Great, I'm gonna have some fun 2.
Dear-dude-that-broke-up-by-email,
I'm writing because I want to thank you for breaking up with me by e-mail and setting me free. I now realize what a loser you are. I can't believe what a coward you are. I called the nursery school program, and they agreed to let you in after they assessed your maturity level. It might be hard for you to believe, but one thing I can tell you for sure: you really need to work on your skills in bed. I mean, you're just plain bad at sex.
Sorry, but you're not worth keeping as a friend. Why are you so boring? I've seen rocks that are more interesting than you. I never want to see you again! Stay away from me or I'll beat you with a frozen salmon. I think you get the idea.
Get lost loser!
DaVinci