My boyfriend watches porn instead of having sex with me - what do I do?

[Unreasonable]

Okay so I haven't read all the pages so forgive me if I missed some points.

 

At 26, for normal men, whether or not you can keep an erection is usually psychological. At that age I think most men could masturbate regularly and still be "up to" having sex at least a couple times a week.

 

I know for myself, I don't have problems staying hard while having vaginal intercourse (I'm 42 and getting hard in the first place isn't like it use to be), however, if I get into a mindset that I'm "performing" it can be VERY hard to come and I can get fatigued to the point where I almost can't go on. Haven't failed yet but I'm not looking forward to it if it does.

 

While it may have something to do with excessive masturbating, perhaps it is also partially due to performance anxiety?

[shelty24]

Its fairly obvious your bf has an addiction. Break up with him . Why are you staying in this mess when all you seem to do is bloody cry and all your confidence is gone.. look up co-dependency and ask yourself why you put up with this

[Hurting74]

I met my boyfriend 3yrs ago through mutual friends, and although he was clearly interested in me, I had just come out of a bad relationship, so I was not ready to date. We would run into each other from time to time, and he was still interested, but I still was not ready. About 6 months ago we started talking over social media, and although he was working out of state at the time, we made plans for a date when he got home in a couple weeks.

 

Once home we started dating immediately, and I seriously wondered why I waited so long. He was truly amazing in every way...except that it didn't take me long to figure out that he wasn't very sexual. Although we had actually sent each other some very racy text messages while he was out of town, and built up a lot of sexual spark. There just was t much follow through once we were face to face. I decided to chalk it up to the fact that he was just so great, that he actually valued me more than just a place to put his penis. Essentially ignoring my gut.

 

We moved in together and started building a life and making plans for the future. I am 41 and he is 32. I have never wanted for attention from men, I have been told that I look 26ish. And I am a very sexual woman. I enjoy it and am unapologetic about it. But now, our sex life is virtually non existent. We have had many discussions about why he doesn't seem interested, and it's either he doesn't know, or that he's never been very sexual, or that circumstances haven't been right, etc. All excuses right? I have not been shy about my feelings of being neglected in this area of our relationship, and he always says he will figure it out or do better. But nothing has changed, I mean unless he's drunk of course. Then he has no problem, which really pisses me off. I have asked him to have his T levels checked, and althoyhe said he would, he hasn't. I've mentioned counseling, but he says he doesn't think that's necessary. I've tried seducing him, using pheromone perfume, playful games from the local sex store...he typically rejects me with some lame excuse. Even seems to become nervous and uncomfortable if he thinks I may be coming on to him. He says that he is sexually attracted to me, but doesn't know why he doesn't act on it. He also admitted that this has been an issue in previous relationships.

 

Anyway recently, I found a post it note in his work bag that had 11 porn star names written on it. When I confronted him about it, he said it was from when he was out of state, and before we started hanging out. Without any proof to dispute his explanation, I had no choice to believe him, even as strange as it was to me that he felt them important enough to write down. I have made him aware of how I feel about porn and that it actually destroyed my marriage. It was an extremely painful time in my life, and that it is harmful to relationships. He told me that he had no use for it.

 

But as that pit in my stomach persisted, I decided that I needed to check his phone. Sure enough he has been viewing porn almost every day. Apparently at work? Needless to say, I lost it. Aside from robbing me/us of something very special and intimate...by taking his sexuality outside of our relationship is cheating. He says it is just out of habit, doesn't pleasure himself to it, and was stupid for doing it knowing how I felt. I told him that I wanted him to see a professional, but he won't. He says he is just stopping. He cancelled all his social media accounts, and keeps telling me that he will prove to me that he is not a liar or a cheater. But I ask what he intends to do, and he says he doesn't know. So I have nothing tangible...and at this point words really mean nothing. It's been a few days since this all happened, and I am just in a fog. He seems distant and although we talk about how we are feeling every night before bed, I still have that pit in my stomach.

 

I should also mention that his father (who I have never met) is a registered sex offender for using porn in front of my boyfriends niece.

[Unreasonable]

Hurting74, he is masturbating to porn, and he isn't gonna stop. And he's just gonna get better at hiding it. He's lying about it because some women just can't deal with the facts.

 

Six percent of men don’t watch at all in a week’s time; 30 percent watch one to two times a week; 39 percent watch three to give times; 19 percent watch six to 10 times; 7 percent watch 11 or more times.

 

He's clearly in one of those categories. if you feel the need to check the browsing history of any man who's too dumb to use private browsing you're gonna find it. Your only solution is to find a man that's more discrete (very easy), a man that can use porn and still have a normal sexual drive with real women (also quite easy), or a man that doesn't use porn at all (pretty damn hard).

[Hurting74]

Thank you so much for your reply to my post Unreasonable. I understand what you are telling me, and I agree that he is lying about not using porn to masturbate (not my 1st rodeo). It would be ridiculous to believe otherwise. But I feel the real problem is that he has been lying to me and choosing not to meet my needs.

 

I won't dispute the statistics you provided, because we could debate until the end of time about whether women need to accept that "men will be men" or that men need to understand what the affects of habitual porn use have on a relationship. But I can tell you from experience that it is extensive. Not only does it negatively affect a women's self esteem (we can't compete with porn stars no matter how hard we try), it devalues the intimate nature of sex, and it also causes men to become desensitized to real sex/women. I have found a plethora of scientific facts regarding the neurological damage that porn usage causes.

 

I believe that anytime a partner takes their sexuality outside of the relationship, it is cheating. Men need to ask themselves if they would do what they're doing in front of their spouse? How turned on would they be if they came accross a pornographic video of their spouse on the Internet for other men to exploit? And I would venture to say that clicking on anything with the word "teen" in it is living very dangerously. I can only imagine that if a man were to happen upon an Xrated video of their 15 yr old niece online, they would become enraged not sexually excited ( if not, then that's a whole separate issue). Some of these people on these sites have no idea that they are being videotaped, and I doubt that habitual porn users are taking the time to verify that fact, nonetheless the age of the females in them. It seems that there is a "no holds bar" sort of attitude where porn is considered, and most people would not click on anything specifically stating that the person in the video is in fact "underage" or a child. But what does underage mean concerning Internet pornography? Is it 16 or 18 or does anybody really care? It is okay as long as she just looks 18? I think that we can all agree that that doesn't mean that she really is. If anybody thinks that is acceptable, and it's just safe to assume that she is in fact 18...well then I have to call bullsh*t and tell you point blank that you are stupid. Claiming ignorance is not a defense regarding a crime against a child, and maybe there are some case were the term "living dangerously" is just an expression, but in this case I think it's pretty literal, and pretty sick.

 

Just my opinion and as always I welcome any reply or feedback.

[Unreasonable]

Hurting74, I'm not saying porn is good. I'm saying its highly pervasive and is just going to be more so as technology progresses. It could very well result in the extinction of the human race for all I know, I can't see the future. The question is, what are you gonna do about it? You've done all this research and have come to your conclusions. That's completely academic. What are you gonna do with this knowledge?

 

Right now, for you to be happy, you need to deal with how the world is, and not how you want it to to be. How you do that is up to you, but I think it would be better for you to try to find a like-minded individual, than try to make a person, who most likely already knows your position on this (quite well), change.

 

Should there ever be a marked decline in pornography usage, it is not going to come from individual men having epiphanies because they were berated by their crying girlfriends and forced to read a bunch of articles on the internet. Virtually no men are going to want to deal with that, so they will lie to avoid it.

 

it will be because of large, decades long campaign, backed by science, similar to the anti-smoking campaigns. It will have to be in the public consciousness. You don't have time to wait for that.

[Hurting74]

Okay, what you just responded resonated with me, and although like a ton of bricks...I finally get what you're saying. And you are absolutely right. Everything you said. And I hope you know that I appreciate you taking the time.

 

I obviously have some soul searching to do. And although he says has just stopped, I do not trust that that will happen. I am just laying low until he gets comfortable, and I can catch him again. That way, he can't claim ignorance and I can say that I gave him a chance. That's no way to live for either of us.

 

The part of all of this that is mind blowing is that he doesn't want sex with me. Funny (and insulting to me), that not long ago, an acquaintance of ours actually said that I resembled a porn star? ?

 

 

 

QUOTE=Unreasonable;6312566]Hurting74, I'm not saying porn is good. I'm saying its highly pervasive and is just going to be more so as technology progresses. It could very well result in the extinction of the human race for all I know, I can't see the future. The question is, what are you gonna do about it? You've done all this research and have come to your conclusions. That's completely academic. What are you gonna do with this knowledge?

 

Right now, for you to be happy, you need to deal with how the world is, and not how you want it to to be. How you do that is up to you, but I think it would be better for you to try to find a like-minded individual, than try to make a person, who most likely already knows your position on this (quite well), change.

 

Should there ever be a marked decline in pornography usage, it is not going to come from individual men having epiphanies because they were berated by their crying girlfriends and forced to read a bunch of articles on the internet. Virtually no men are going to want to deal with that, so they will lie to avoid it.

 

it will be because of large, decades long campaign, backed by science, similar to the anti-smoking campaigns. It will have to be in the public consciousness. You don't have time to wait for that.

[Unreasonable]

Glad I could help. Honestly, I wouldn't bother entrapping him. If he does not want sex with you, I think he has issues beyond what you or he can fix most likely. Many men use porn without it lowering their sex drives considerably below their partner. This has NOTHING to do with you, and does not reflect on you, at ALL. This is his problem. Don't let it get to your self esteem.

[Silverbirch]

You are going to be miserable with this guy. Stop wasting your life with him.

[Unreasonable]

@Hurting74 - How about, instead of entrapping him (which I view as an invasion of privacy), wait it out a bit and see if your sex life actually improves? If, according to your theory, it's the porn that's making your sex life bad, then him quitting should improve your sex life over time, right?

 

If your sex life remains unsatisfactory - dump him. Sexual incompatibility is enough reason to do that. You don't need to make it about the porn. Who cares if he quit or not if the sex remains bad? If its bad, its bad.

 

However, if your sex life becomes satisfactory, then I think your problems are solved. The biggest problem that I see in your relationship is he does not seem to be interested in you sexually. And that is a big problem.

[Hurting74]

I know you're right. Idk why I am seeking the affirmation of a stranger to help me realize the truth about this situation. I am a mature, attractive, intelligent, and experienced woman. I know what I want and need, and I don't need to settle again, knowing full well that the lack of sexual intimacy in this relationship is not something I will be happy with. And it is really unfair for him to expect me to continue to be an willing celebrate partner, (while he gets his needs met through an online fantasy world with someone that doesn't really exist in real life). or remain monogamous when I've clearly stated that I am not happy. I know what the inevitable outcome of me continuing to fight for something that he just is incapable of giving. I'm sick of feeling neglected and it is truly humiliating to have to ask or beg for something that should be so natural.

[Hurting74]

I have definitely considered that scenario. And that's actually what I've been doing, esp because as you pointed out, he is just going to get better at hiding it. I've told him that he is going to really have to step up the romance and intimacy, and bring me back to him. Maybe that was a lot of pressure, but as I've stated I really do feel that his lying and rejection of me sexually, combined with the discovery that he's been using porn, makes me feel betrayed and is a form of infidelity. It's only been a couple weeks, but he has made no gesture or effort. It's been almost a month since we've been intimate...and I'm just tired of waiting.

[Unreasonable]

I think after a month I would be seriously questioning things too. I've been married 21 years and I don't think we've gone two weeks w/o having sex. And even that would be because of unusual circumstances (business trips, etc). Most couples have sex a couple times a week.

[PaintWithLight]

I have definitely considered that scenario. And that's actually what I've been doing, esp because as you pointed out, he is just going to get better at hiding it. I've told him that he is going to really have to step up the romance and intimacy, and bring me back to him. Maybe that was a lot of pressure, but as I've stated I really do feel that his lying and rejection of me sexually, combined with the discovery that he's been using porn, makes me feel betrayed and is a form of infidelity. It's only been a couple weeks, but he has made no gesture or effort. It's been almost a month since we've been intimate...and I'm just tired of waiting.

 

 

You might have just played into his hands with this ultimatum. This could be the exit excuse he has been looking for. He is quite a bit younger and even though you look 26 years old and resemble a porn star, the truth is he would rather find another outlet for his sexual expression (porn) than to be intimate with you. Clearly things are not working for both of you.

 

I do not think by leveraging his porn habit into a form of infidelity will bring him back. He has lots of opportunity to be with you and he has declined. You have made it clear what you would like so he has to feel guilt in disappointing you. Guilt will only increase the distance between the two of you.

[Blondie1981]

I've been having the same problems only that my bf does want sex,usually when he's drunk tho.I looked through his phone because he has been very distant to me and has been since we met 5 years ago,I found that he was looking up porn dating sites and has been for the last year.I confronted him about it and he says he does it cause he's stressed.we have 4kids in the house and 2 of them are under 5.last year a few male friends of mine contacted me through fb and chatted..they ended up asking me would I ever be with them if I wasn't with my bf.I told them no and to go away.I told my boyfriend about them as soon as it happened and now he says that its my fault he's looking at porn! I don't know what to do and I'm confused.

[Capricorn3]

Hi Blondie1981: This thread is five years old and the OP has never returned. It would probably be a good idea for you to start your own thread so as to get replies to your particular situation. Thanks.