My boyfriend watches porn instead of having sex with me - what do I do?

[healthyguy]

Most men masturbate regularly, whether in a relationship or not.

 

Personally, I have a drive that is much stronger than my girlfriend's. She could be satisfied with a few times a month, whereas I need a few times a week.

 

This has only created conflict in my relationship because her drive is so much lower.

 

When it comes to porn and guys, I think you need to be honest. Tell him, "I know that you masturbate, and it's healthy. But, it's currently an unhealthy aspect of our relationship because it's affecting our intimacy and my needs aren't being met as a result of you fulfilling your needs by yourself. What can I do bring you away from porn and into my arms? That's all I want."

 

I wish you the very best.

 

And if you have any suggestions for increasing my gf's drive, I'm all ears.

[treborc]

It looks like this post has all gone quite now but I just had to reply!

 

There are many things going on here. Many of which are very common in relationships. But the cause is not as obvious as you might think. It has very little to do with desire, addiction to porn or anything else mentioned here. These kind of problems are rarely to do with sex at all! This guy is clearly feeling completely emasculated.

 

You need to look a little closer at your relationship as a whole and the problem is as much to do with you as it is him. But I think, with a lot of work you can solve this but it will take the two of you to be fully on-board.

 

 

Firstly, look at other areas of your life together. What sort of relationship do you have? Are you equal partners or does one of you take the lead in certain areas. Who has the best job? Who is likely to suggest what you are going to do on a weekend or evening? Who decides what you are going to eat? Who controls the money and who pays the bills?

 

My point is that your sexual problems are more likely to be about a lack of equality in your lives as a couple and unless you can reach a point where you are equal the sexual problems are likely to continue. Relationships take as much sacrifice as they give rewards and you may find that you both need a little bit more give and take.

 

If his dysfunction has it's roots in a previous relationship this can give you valuable clues. Find out what the similarities were with the first girl with whom he noticed his dysfunction. You may find he is attracted to certain characteristics in his girls that that you can identify with yourself. Although he may be happy with these characteristics in life, these characteristics may not be compatible with what he needs to feel a man!

 

Don't forget men think completely differently to women (biological fact). It will be extremely difficult for him to suggest solutions or alter his behavior unless he can identify the cause. If he loves you, all he will want is to make you happy and will feel completely emasculated if he thinks he is failing to satisfy you or make you happy. This in itself can lead to the kinds of behavior you describe as he gets no sense of failure with his left or right hand!

 

I think you both need some professional assistance to identify these underlying issues and work through them, together, as a couple, and forget about the sex for now. Whilst you do this you should both abstain, including porn and masturbation. The longer this continues the more difficult if will be to correct!

 

And remember, if he can get a full erection there is nothing wrong with the apparatus there is a problem you and him. Viagra is not the answer, at his age you should be able to solve it psychologically.

 

I do hope this helps and I have immense empathy for both of you. Do give us an update as your journey back to a 'joyous' sex life will benefit a lot of people.

 

Rob

[faithbw]

This isn't something that anyone has mentioned yet but I think that perhaps all the men who do this have an avoidant attachment style. People with this attachment style like to avoid intimacy and closeness. Sex for them isn't about being intimate with another partner, it's simply about the act. It's not uncommon for people with this attachment style to find it very hard to have sex with their partners (because making loving actually creates a bond with another person) and when they do, they often fantasize about other people during the act to help them deactive any attachment to their partner. Masturbating, watching porn and oral sex allows them to have sex without the pressure of actually having to create a bond with their partners. Someone mentioned having an ideal sex image. Well, creating ideals that their partners (or most real people) can't possibly meet is simply another method of deactiving attachment with the partner.

 

Ladies who have posted in this thread, I feel your pain. Without going into details, I am dealing with some similar issues. Know that it is not your fault! There is nothing wrong with you! If you're not married, I would suggest pondering this issue very seriously. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is not able to share the most intimate act that two people can share? If you can live with this (maybe there are other things in the relationship that make it worthwhile) then I simply suggest that you get rid of the expectation that you will have sexual intercourse with your partner. If you can't however, then leave while it is still easy to do so. I'm not saying that there won't be pain but it will be better in the long run. You will allow yourself to meet someone who will be able to share the emotional bond that you want to share.

 

I really suggest that all of the women in this thread read the book Attachment by Amir Levine and also read up as much as you can about attachment theory. Also see, if possible, if your partners have had similar issues in the past (were their relationships short lived, was sex an issue). I think you'll quickly learn that the issue isn't really with you.

[Bambie]

I know exactly what everyone has been going through. For me it rarely got better, as it is hard for strong habits like this to change overnight. My past boyfriend of 4 1/2 years developed this problem, and it tore me apart for a very long time. We started with a seemingly average sex life - however, as time went on things slowly began to change. We barely had sex and he became very secretive. He never initiated sex, I felt like he didn't want me anymore and believed I wasn't attractive in his eyes, even though he would always compliment me. We lived together, and at night he would often stay up on the computer without me. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and he was still out there after hours alone. I would open the door to see that he was watching porn every time, and he would rather masturbate than be intimate with me. He never had erectile problems during sex, it was just like he preferred to watch ranchy videos than actually be with a real person that lived with him and desired him.

 

I would always confront him, and even though I would see the porn websites on his computer screen, he would always close them and deny it! Eventually he promised he would never view porn again for me and work on restoring our sex life. One day a few weeks later, while looking through the computer for a project I had made, I stumbled accross the recently accessed folders on his computer - folders full of porn he had saved. I confronted him again, and of course we fought. He would always delete them, and yet porn would always magically be on his computer again and in his browser history. I felt bad searching to see if he had collected any more videos, but if he was truly being honest with me saying he had stopped, then he would have nothing to hide. EVERY TIME I was disappointed. Things would always seem better for a short time, but always relapse in a constant cycle of misery and feelings of inadequacy and unwantedness. He always claimed I was so sexy and that he wanted me, but this always continued. The trust was completely gone, and I was always suspicious and paranoid.

 

I broke up with this man about a year ago. I couldn't take it any more. You get to the point where you realize that this is your only youth, and you need to determine what you truly want it to be like. You need to decide if these issues are something you can deal with for the rest of your life. Maybe you will get lucky and things will change, but if it is continuous, you need to make yourself happy. I'm glad to say I am dating a new and trustworthy person who makes me feel so special, and I hope everyone else's issues work out!

[candlelight]

wow, i almost cries with this post because am going through a similar situation. i gave birth 2 months ago and he seems distance, he watches porn, i tell him that i want to be intimate with him he tells me he doesnt want to. He says that he wants to give me time, but i dont think thats true, becausr i will understand if i wasnt ready but i am. Of course i am 30 pounds heavier but even when i l

[candlelight]

wow, i almost cries with this post because am going through a similar situation. i gave birth 2 months ago and he seems distance, he watches porn, i tell him that i want to be intimate with him he tells me he doesnt want to. He says that he wants to give me time, but i dont think thats true, because i will understand if i wasnt ready but i am. Of course i am 30 pounds heavier but even when i look nice he doesnt say anything or try to seduce me. I feel so unwanted and sad, i was in a relationship worst than this and i coulnt take it, i feel depressed and unhappy.

[chchgal]

My boyfriend is 18, we have been together for just two years and I love him to bits. Just yesterday I found out that he has been watching porn almost every day and satisfying himself. For the last 6months I have been asking for sex as he only gives in about 3 or 4 times a month. I feel disgusting, my boyfriend would rather jack off than have sex with me. I used to have huge self esteem issues which have now re surfaced. His excuses? Sex takes to long and feels like a 'chore'. I have done everything I can to make it sexy, steamy and amazing and no matter what I do nothing works. He says he doesn't want sex because it makes him sweaty and tired. He is and 18 year old!! I have cried myself to sleep many nights and speaking to him about it just made it worse. He has a way with words so that he even makes me believe its my fault. He tells me I'm not allowed in the bedroom because he is 'studying'. I can't handle it anymore but life without him would be even harder! I have moved away from all my family and friends to be with him and he just doesn't appreciate it. A few months ago he came to me saying he needs to treat me better and he really does need to but now that I know what he has been doing nearly everyday behind my back I know he is full of it. I don't understand an 18 year old guy who would rather jerk off than have sex with his girlfriend. I feel so unloved, ugly and like nothing.. He tells me he would do anything in the world for me, I haven't seen anything like that from him since we first got together. I thought I was alone but because of you and your story I know I'm not! Not that it makes it hurt any less... I think I have to talk to him some more..

[jaysmaury]

I only read the first two paragraphs of your original post, but I saw that you said he goes limp during intercourse and says it's nausea or whatever but he can keep it up during oral and masturbation. There have been times during intercourse that I blew my top WAY earlier than I anticipated and I was embarrassed about it, so I blamed it on something (very similar to what your guy did). It's rarely a problem to maintain one's composure during oral - no premature action going to happen there for the most part. Maybe he just came prematurely and is embarrassed. If it is a persistent problem, he is probably too embarrassed to talk to you about it, thereby not allowing him to get past step one. In order to stop ejaculating prematurely a guy needs to get some action and get comfortable with his stamina/endurance - however, if he's too embarrassed about those first few times being failures he may never get the chance to do so.

[jaysmaury]

To all the women on here talking about their guys watching porn - you need to lighten up. We enjoy porn because we are visually-stimulated creatures. Stop taking it so personally that we look at porn - women are hot and we have fantasies and it is nice to see those fantasies acted out by real women.

 

All but one of my ex gf's made me feel that porn was so taboo to the point that I HAD to hide it and lie to them about it. We're not going to stop enjoying it, no more than you are going to stop enjoying the things that turn you on. I think it is unreasonable to demand a guy stop looking at porn, in any form, simply because he's in a committed relationship. It's not like we're out looking for other women. You might as well come to grips with it and realize it is NOT cheating on you and our crazy perversions are no reflection of you or the relationship. And the one girlfriend of mine that was open to it actually found some porn she was into and came to me with it and we watched it together. It opened up the doors of communication to the point we expressed to each other our innermost and craziest desires and fantasies. It led to the best sex of our lives!

 

Embrace it, ladies! You will be pleasantly surprised - it will end up helping you more than him.

[leetowan]

My part is this. I knew my BF is sexual active. Before he met me. He used to have a friend to benefit with. And as a handy man, He used or maybe still had one costumer who can pay him for sex if he could fix the fence for it as an exchange etc etc etc. Then he met me... Yeah I caught him on that, during in our serious relationship, i caught him. At the beg. we were both easy on each other, just having sex without any monogamous relationship. After three months later (LOL) he asked me to be in a serious relationship with him. And he promise of course he wont hurt me. To make a short story. I caught him on those activities. And he promised he will be good. It is hard to trust and love someone like that, very hard. But I realized he is very a sexual active person ( like me ). So to keep himself honest in our relationship, he went for more porn online/movie (pirates movie is my favorite). I get it, and I understand that for someone who is very very sexual active. I would do the same thing. Unfortunately, I get SO pissed off whenever he used porn, he used it WAY WAY TOO MUCH PORN. He could not play with me because of too much porn. So that PISSED ME OFF! Here I am feelin hot and ready. And he freakin used up all his energy on porn. =P SO I turn myself to my vibrator instead. I don't know if this helps, Mangue. But I myself need answers too. lol Good luck.

[leetowan]

Me and my bf do the same thing, watching porn together. But as like what I said before this message. My BF mostly went over board on porn and he don't have enough energy to play with me. So I turn myself to my vibrator. I rather have a good hard one than a over burnt limp. Good luck. ANd thank you.

[audesapere04]

I literally cried when I read your post. Please know that you're not alone. I'm going through the same thing, my boyfriend has ADHD and I've looked up any connections with that and low sex drive/porn addiction. I don't think he's *addicted* to porn, but he watches it everyday.. sometimes when I'm only gone for an hour or so, occasionally when I am home. Perhaps I'm in denial...

I try really hard to blame the ADHD for it, and not blame myself, but gosh it gets difficult. Nothing compares to the worthlessness a woman can feel when a man would rather get himself off than touch the woman he "loves."

Even writing that, I feel terrible for putting love in quotation marks, but it reaches the point where.. if he did really love me, than why doesn't he love me physically as well?

I've attempted to bury the emotions as well, the resentment I feel towards him and his porn, the resentment I feel towards myself, the hurt and rejection and embarrassment...and occasionally anger.. but that surfaces in its own ways in due time to the point (happened today where I'll be watching a funny video and laugh hysterically at it then suddenly burst into a fit of sobbing and tears for seemingly no reason at all.

It can all be so unbearable. I've responded to posts similar to this on other websites encouraging women in situations like this/mine when I'm feeling particularly positive about it.. but in the end I am always left feeling very defeated about the physicality I receive in my relationship.

And there's just so much trouble with hearing how much he loves me and wants to marry me sometime.. how he'd do anything for me and vice versa.. and then this lack of sex.. you can't just *leave* someone you love like that. No matter the sex, I know I'd feel terrible and shallow about it, but in the same I know I'm a woman with normal wants and needs of a human being.

I'm only 20 years old, my boyfriend 26... and I'm in a practically sexless relationship.

In my view, there's only 2 options: bare through it or leave him.

And I cannot do either. I'm just .. stuck. In love, defeated, and useless.

3

[Notagoodninja]

I know this post is older but my ex husband was addicted to porn also and never would F$%% me! And much like you I kept thinking- THIS IS THE LAST OF MY YOUTH! I want my brains to be $%# out ya know? I don't want some lazy bastard husband who jacks off all day and won't even go down on me or give me pleasure in ANY way for months!!!!!!! Ladies THIS IS YOUR YOUTH and for a lot of us the very LAST of our youth.........give your youth to men out there who give a ****

[breckenhulse]

I am so sorry you are going through this too.. My situation isn't quite the same..

Awhile back in August I dropped my boyfriend off at work and then came home went back to sleep for a few hours. When I woke back up I went to sit on the couch and sat there with my eyes closed for a second and then my boyfriend's phone started vibrating on the table next me and scared the * * * * out of me. So I grabbed it to make it quit and i pushed okay which opened the message and I read it.. From some chick that we worked with at chilis and said something like hows your day sweetie? * * * . So I continued to go through his phone and saw he had been saying "i miss your face" and "cant wait to see you" and "you looked hot today" and they played world at warcraft together.. * * * ..agian. I'm a very attractive size 2 petite and 20 years old. Name isn't saved in the phone so I get on his computer to look for clues and so I went to the history... I feel so bad about it too.. I feel terrible I went through his privacy like that, but then I found lots of disgusting porn.. Well, I talked about the girl thing and never mentioned going through his history.. Now January, still haven't said anything.. Sometimes I will mess around with him when he's sitting next to me on the couch and he kinda smiles and ignores it.. I come out in just my underwear and strut to the bedroom and he doesn't follow.. and then he will go to his computer and I feel so unwanted when he ignores me I just shut down and just wanna watch tv and fall alseep.. Lately I've noticed he is watching that disgusting porn while I'm on the couch in the same room with him. I know he is watching it. I just don't have the balls to say anything or get up and look over and say * * * ? This stuff is raunchy too. He likes the 18 years old taking it by seven black guys, and he even signed up for a site that said on the main page MARRIAGE AFFAIRS AND CHEATING! IT'S OKAY HERE! And then lists off women in our area..

Recently he lost his job so me being a server at applebees in kansas don't make crap for money and i have to come up with at least $1200 for February along with my college classes.. I am so stressed right now on top of him watching porn when I'm home after trying to make him want me or even the thought of him inviting some skank over while I'm gone..

I don't know if me giving him a second chance was stupid after he cheated.. I just want help too.

[Dusk1983]

An open letter to women on behalf of men in long term relationships

 

We love you. We know every fold, contour, line and curve, of your body. We know the way your breasts move when you're on top, the shape of your legs when they're raised in the air, the colour of your pubic hair. We know how deep your belly button is, the colour of your labia, how to find your clitoris, and the unique smell of your vagina when you're aroused. We know when you're wet.

 

We even know exactly how to make you come, where to probe, to push, how many fingers, and how quickly to use our tongue. We know the sounds you make, and how your breaths change and increase in pitch, when we're doing it right. We know how you like to lie when you really want to come, and how noisy you are when you finally do.

 

We know everything about your body.

 

And now all of our instincts are telling us to find a different one.

[arissa10]

SO, im glad I found this. I got really upset reading all of this as well. Im having the same problem just not in the proportions some of you have it in. I didn't really think my boyfriend had a problem. Im 21, we have been dating for three years and going well, ive known him for 8 years. I've always been very open with him and if he watches porn I dont mind because he usually came to bed afterwards and ravished me. lately not so much, he's always "too tired" to have sex and or just says no. We used to have sex every night, no more than that because of work and being full time university students. He used to watch porn every so often too, sometimes I would watch it with him, I really didn't mind, it was no big deal. The past few months though, I feel like he just isn't interested in me anymore. Im not unattractive, I have low self esteem, but im 5'9" i weigh 123 lbs. and I have clear skin, no acne hardly ever.

 

I used to do modeling (no im not bone skinny, i promise, im curvy, all my weight goes to my hips and my breasts.)

 

He hardly ever initiates sex anymore. . . its like he doesnt want it. . . and it makes me feel really unattractive and unwanted. . . We wont have sex for days and I'll just beg him, I will be wearing a leather outfit or i'll be naked when he comes home and most of the time he just tells me he's too tired or to go use my vibrator, that's what he bought it for . . . thats never the answer I want to hear.

 

I feel like he doesn't like how I look either. He will look at photos of other women, who's bodies are like kim kardashins, full hips and breasts and small waist, that stuff, and sometimes, and much more recently thats what it takes for him to get turned on.

It makes me wonder if im boring in bed or I suck or something.

 

And very lately, for example, the other night, he came home from work early 8 p.m. He wasn't tired in the slightest, had a coke, was happy and playing with the cat. I started coming on to him, because we hadn't had sex in a while, and he completely ignored it. And i wasn't being subtle, I was literally trying to take his clothes off. He just wanted to play MW3. And I know guys and their video games, I get bad with the video games sometimes too so I can't tell him he plays too much or anything. And i don't mind much anyways. So he played for an hour, then he gets on him computer in the living room, and I go to ask him if he wants dinner and all and hes watching videos on youtube for game strategy and all. Around 3 am, he was still wide awake and I couldnt take it anymore, so I put on a new laytex outfit he had never seen. Not to mention i've never worn latex before.

I try to seduce him and he just says he's tired and wants to take a shower. Okay fine. I go back later when he was in the shower and check his history, (not to find trash on him, but I needed to pull up stuff for class I had saved in history) And all the stuff I saved was deleted so I was Pissed over that. Ad what was it deleted for? Porn. Then I see he had been watching it since he came home. . .while I was trying to get him to have sex with me and he wanted porn over me. .. .

 

I know i'll never be able to compete with those photoshopped girls and those beyond gorgeous women, and that what he likes. I can't compete with them. And this has happened on many accounts and it's upsetting and I cry over it. I love him and he says he wants to marry me and be with me forever. But I always feel like Im not enough and im not what he wants and that maybe im wasting my time and him with his porn and not having sex with me makes me feel that.

 

Im just so upset and hurt. I don't know what to do.

[duke5555]

I read most of the posts here. Im THAT GUY. I wouldnt say that watching porn in my case is an addiction. I just noticed that I started watching more porn the moment I started losing sex interest in my girlfriend. The confusing thing is that I really loved her and she has the look of a Victoria secret model. She is the most perfect girl I have ever seen. After 4 months of dating her I started losing interest in sex with her and I started getting urge to have sex with other girls (I was 27) and to watch more porn. I did not want to start cheating on her so I broke up. She loved me too and she was COMPLETELY stunned with my abrupt decision to end our perfect relationship. I think that in majority of the cases listed above (and also in my case) the guy has conquered the girl and has started feeling too comfortable next to her and the traction/itch/tension/interest has disappeared. Whether the girl is just too boring or a bit stupid or not exciting enough, etc. The fact is that the girl constantly needs to intrique her guy in order for him to chase her and try to figure her out and consequently have regular and successful sex with her. Im not saying that there is something wrong with those girl but it could simply be that it was not a good match. A couple in which one party does not psychologically and thus not physically interest the other. What do you guys think?

[Ms Darcy]

I think that in majority of the cases listed above (and also in my case) the guy has conquered the girl and has started feeling too comfortable next to her and the traction/itch/tension/interest has disappeared. Whether the girl is just too boring or a bit stupid or not exciting enough, etc. The fact is that the girl constantly needs to intrique her guy in order for him to chase her and try to figure her out and consequently have regular and successful sex with her.

 

I think this point of view unfairly puts the oweness on women to keep a man's interest when men should equally contribute with an interesting personality, good sex, and the emotional maturity to commit to one woman.

[duke5555]

Im THAT GUY. Im in the same situation as your boyfriend. My honest opinion is that you need to leave him. I know that because I also stopped wanting to have sex with my girlfriend who I, at the time, loved sooo much. I still think she is the most beautiful girl I have EVER seen in my life. So her physical look was not at all an issue. It is VERY WEIRD. To be able to love a girl, love her soul, her being and her looks, and NOT to want to have sex with her any more. I still cant grasp it but if we just look at the situation at hand objectively we see that you cannot possibly marry him and spend the rest 50 years in marriage without sex with him. That just sounds terribly wrong. I think that in all our cases guys just start feeling too comfortable with their girls and so they lose interest to CONQUER and have sex with them. The girl represents NO challenge to the guy any more and the sexual lust is lost. Unless you are able to reengage his psychological (and thus physical) interest in you I suggest you leave him. You two have just become best friends and thats it. You have become real best buddies who dont have sex and that is just awkward so its best to either leave him and never see him again or actually turn your love relationship into an actual friendly relationship and start seeing other people. Sorry for the bad news and my negative new on all this . I spent months thinking about why I stopped having desire for sex with the girl I loved so much and thats what I figured out so far.

Pls, read my previous comment here for more explanation:

"I read most of the posts here. Im THAT GUY. I wouldnt say that watching porn in my case is an addiction. I just noticed that I started watching more porn the moment I started losing sex interest in my girlfriend. The confusing thing is that I really loved her and she has the look of a Victoria secret model. She is the most perfect girl I have ever seen. After 4 months of dating her I started losing interest in sex with her and I started getting urge to have sex with other girls (I was 27) and to watch more porn. I did not want to start cheating on her so I broke up. She loved me too and she was COMPLETELY stunned with my abrupt decision to end our perfect relationship. I think that in majority of the cases listed above (and also in my case) the guy has conquered the girl and has started feeling too comfortable next to her and the traction/itch/tension/interest has disappeared. Whether the girl is just too boring or a bit stupid or not exciting enough, etc. The fact is that the girl constantly needs to intrique her guy in order for him to chase her and try to figure her out and consequently have regular and successful sex with her. Im not saying that there is something wrong with those girl but it could simply be that it was not a good match. A couple in which one party does not psychologically and thus not physically interest the other. What do you guys think? "

[duke5555]

the poetic comment on the previous page was kinda smart. the guy has figured out the girl and is not interested any more. off to the next one. sad but true.

[baybeedoll]

This is a sad situation for both of us.

[Lucy55]

I honestly cannot believe that men would give up the perfect girlfriend, a woman they love and adore so that they can get their end away with someone different. I'll say it again. You are actually prepared to throw away a perfectly good relationship for sex with someone else? And how long will this last for? At what age will you actually grow up? At the end of the day when you do settle down, you do know you will be settling for second best?

 

Don't you think your girlfriend would like sex with other men too? Don't you think your girlfriend might be bored with your technique after so many months? Do you think it's just a 'man thing' that men want sex with every female they can? Women feel that way too. We want the muscular guy down the road with the tight ass and the really hot guy at work etc. Thing is, if we love you and you treat us with respect and kindness and the sex is good, we will stay. We don't finish relationships so we can go rushing off looking for the next guy to have sex with. We don't end relationships suddenly because we know every part of YOUR body and are bored because we know every move you make in bed. No. We aren't that damn immature or flakey. As for all this porn watching, men need to take responsibility for their actions (yes I will say men because they are the highest users of porn). Most women usually don't mind if you watch it. I couldn't care less if my boyfriend watches it but for Godsake can't you control how much you watch? He can. So we have a great relationship sexually. He doesn't hide what he does either. I think men need to grow the hell up and to stop thinking only of themselves. If they don't get their act together, they will end up having a relationship with their hand. Already far too many young males are watching too much porn WORLDWIDE. As if the world isn't a * * * * ty enough place, we now have to fix the stupid morons who refuse to take any responsibility for their behaviour. Why oh why is it always women who are left to pick up the pieces? Can't you for once in your lives step up to the plate and be a MAN? Not some stupid, little boy-child who wants to masturbate all godamn day because he's too damn lazy to do anything else with his time. At the very least, admit you have a problem and go and get help. Take your girlfriend with you if you want. DO SOMETHING. Don't just sit there and say to yourself 'Oh I can't stop watching it'. Women are getting sick to death of men and their childish excuses for doing the stupid things they do.

[kjp]

Very sad to find this thread, but also comforting to know it doesn't only happen in my relationship. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year, we don't live together. He suffers from depression and has been taking medications for it the whole time we've been together. I used to always try to make him have sex with me daily, but now I've given up and just take it when I can get it, which seems to be 1-2 times a week if I'm lucky.

He has trouble staying hard when having sex with me, and doesn't like blow jobs because apparently his penis is too sensitive for the sensation. I've never been able to make him come from jacking him off or from a blow job. Although he can have an orgasm from having sex with me, he always needs to masturbate for a while beforehand, and usually has to stop once or twice during sex to masturbate again (to get hard again). He very rarely wants more than one orgasm a day, and I guess it's easier for him to come on his own (with porn), so he's rarely interested in being intimate with me if he's already came before I see him in the evening.

He doesn't usually use porn while we're having sex, makes him feel a little awkward to watch it with me. I'm not against porn or masturbating, as long as it isn't robbing me of getting laid. But in my case, I think it means that I get much less sex than I would want.

So, I don't know what to do. I love this guy very much, I don't want to end the relationship because of this, but we've tried talking about it and he's against using any Viagra or the likes, so it's as if we have to be in a relationship where we get ourselves off.. and that's just really sad. It also makes me feel incredibly unattractive and undesirable. It's horrible.

[runner]

i am so happy i found this thread. but at the same time sad because i think i have been crying for the past hour reading everybody's story. it is really scary. i have never thought me and my boyfriend would come to this point. he doesn't have the drive to have sex with me anymore. we've been living together for almost 3 years and we both agreed that we are sexually compatible. a week ago he told me he feels like he is getting older and he's only 28 and that he is starting to be boring and doesn't have the drive to do anything. all he does is work, watch documentaries when he gets home and sleep. i am also working and in school. so I'm out by 8 and back home by 10 at night monday to thursdays but i still try to meet his needs so we were having less sex but we still do it at once or twice a week. so when he told me a week ago that he is losing the drive to do anything, i didn't want him to lose the drive for our sex life. i tried twice and i failed, he gets ticklish whenever i try and give him a blow job and stops me and laughs and i get really really hurt coz i feel unwanted with sex. i know he loves me and all and assures me that I'm the one for him but its just hard to take in. the two times that i tried i just found out from my computer's history that he has been watching porn in the morning like half an hour after i leave. i really don't mind him watching porn, its normal for guys to do it and we watch porn together sometimes so i really don't care. it just hurts me right now that he is lazy to do the actual act that night and masturbates in the morning right after i leave. i addressed him the issue awhile ago and told him bout me seeing the porn downloads and I'm not mad because its normal but i asked him why would he do that though while i on the other hand was trying to make love with him. i asked him is it laziness or your just not attracted to me anymore and he answered he doesn't know why, he doesn't know why he is acting the way he is and why he doesn't have the drive anymore but told me he really loves me. so i started googling and saw this thread. i told him stuff that i saw from this thread and maybe he can come up with an idea why he's like that. i started crying coz i felt its partly my fault because he always initiates to have sex and probably just got tired and I'm just too tired to do much because of my work and school. i also feel like i wasn't taking care of myself a lot, i gained a little bit of weight since we started living together from being a 5 to becoming a size 7. so my goal is to pull myself back together. getting a full makeover right after my finals and start working out again. he knows how hurt i am right now with the way things are happening and i don't blame him for that i told him to go back to the gym so he can get his stamina back. him gaining 30 lbs just made him really lazy. i hope this phase of ours won't take too long.

[20sgal88]

The erectile dysfunction is from the porn. He has an addiction problem with the porn and his penis is massively desensitized to the touch of a vagina or perhaps anything outside of his own hands. You need to talk to him about this. Ignoring it will mean you will never have a healthy sex life and it will lead to resentment in the long run.

 

It happens a hell of a lot.

 

This is absolutely correct. My ex boyfriend has this problem. I know where you're coming from. It destroys intimacy. And yeah, the lenis gets so used time the pressure exerted on it by his own hand that it doesn't function properly in a vagina. I was a virgin when I met my ex. Lost it to him. It wasn't like I had a vagina comparable to a wizard's sleeve. Lol it's not your issue. It's his. If he cares about you and the relationship, he will seek help for it.