My sister is sleeping with a married man twice her age

[Lilly1607308210]

My younger sister who is 22 is very protective of her phone. To the point where she will not let it out of her sight for one second. My two older sisters and I got concerned, we knew that she must be hiding something but figured she was just back with her stupid ex and didn't want us to know. One night she was staying at my place and her phone was charging. she was reading a book and not paying attention so I started going through it (bad me I know, invasion of privacy, I understand that), I started looking through her texts expecting to find her ex's name. I found a different guys name so I opened them up. I completely expected her to catch me so i wouldn't see a thing.

I found out that she was secretly meeting some guy and that they couldn't be together cause he's married! I was floored, I had no idea that this was her secret. She has been meeting him after he gets off work on his way home, they go to some spot, have sex then he goes home to his wife. She finally heard something so she asked where her phone was, I pushed end really quick so she wouldn't know I was looking and gave it to her.

Well she figured out that I found out and talked to me about it. She said she tells herself she's a horrible person everyday, he is the cousin of her best friend, he's married and has a 12 year old, he's 44 and has been "planning" to divorce his wife. I didn't know what to say at all. So I told her I needed to think it through. She is not the kind of person to take advice. I always said that you can tell her that putting her finger in the fire will burn her but she'll do it anyway.

I told my two older sisters what I found out (also not my place I know but if they found out I would want them to tell me). None of us knew or know what to say to her. She said he broke it off and that she never wants to talk about it again. We don't think he broke it off at all. Now whenever I see her there is this weird vibe that I can't shake, like we are both choosing not to see or talk about the one thing we want to. My two older sisters who are married don't know what to say to her either. One sister even told her that she knows what she's doing is wrong.

She lives with my parents currently but is trying to find a place on her own. I'm sure she wants to be able to have him come over whenever she wants. It sickens me really. How can she do this? What do I do or say? Does she expect to bring him to Christmas IF he does get divorced? He is old enough to be her father!!

So any advice would be great cause I am at a loss here. ](*,)

[DN]

I think that not only did you unjustifiably invade her privacy but you violated it further by sharing her business with your sisters.

 

This is not just a "(bad me I know, invasion of privacy, I understand that) but I still think it was justified because I am looking out for my sister". It was a gross violation of her personal privacy without justification of any sort.

 

This is none of your business and your best course now is to treat it as if you didn't know. Your sister is an adult and is not someone you have a right or a duty to protect from herself or ex-boyfriends or married men.

[nutbrownhare]

Really, I feel for you in your concern for your sister - it is gut-wrenching, seeing someone you love putting themselves in a situation which you know is going to be harmful to them. However, she's over 18 and is capable of making her own decisions - however unwise they may be.

 

It is a very high form of love to be able to suspend your own feelings and judgments and let someone close to you like this carry on with their own life in the way they choose - and then take the consequences of their own actions. Especially when every fibre of your body is dying to reach out and pluck her out of this situation. However, your intervention or that of your other sisters is not likely to make any difference to her feelings for this guy - except that your disapproval may well harden her resolve.

 

At the moment she is looking to get a place of her own. This is good for her own autonomy, regardless of whether she's doing it for 'him' or not. Chances are, the snatched moments which they have together are suiting him and his lifestyle - and he will bail the moment she asks anything more of him.

 

You can't do anything which is likely to change her mind or her actions. None of us can control another person like that, but you can drive yourself crazy trying. What you need right now is support in handling your own painful feelings, not advice on how to change another person.

 

As for the impact on future family gatherings if he does get divorced - well, cross that bridge when you come to it. Don't waste time or energy worrying about something that may well never happen.

[norsewoman]

You really had no business going through her phone. If I were her, I'd be beyond angry.

 

Unfortunately, this is really none of your business. Your sister is an adult and she's going to do what she's going to do. As distasteful as this affair is to you, it's part of her journey, and her lesson to learn.

[agent1607307371]

And now, thanks to his sister, some child will grow up fatherless.

 

Nice selfish responses here. Congratulations on advocating a broken family.

 

The guy needs to tell his sister what for. That is what he can do. She has screwed up a family all for selfish sex.

 

Sorry but how is she more responsible for this than the guy who is actually MARRIED?

And if you actually read the post even slightly before giving the knee jerk angry response, the OP is a girl.

 

I don't think she's behaving well at all, but she's not the worst person involved.

 

 

Lilly, I know it's your first response to save your sister from this situation but i don't think you can. All you can do is be there for her when she stops being fun or he gets tired of her and moves on to the next young woman.

 

But I also agree with DN. Your sisters business is your sisters business. You can't be the morality police if you're invading privacy.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

And now, thanks to his sister, some child will grow up fatherless.

 

Nice selfish responses here. Congratulations on advocating a broken family.

 

The guy needs to tell his sister what for. That is what he can do. She has screwed up a family all for selfish sex.

 

The OP is female. The other posters are not saying that they encourage the sister to do what she is doing. Of course everyone knows it is wrong. However, the OP violated her sister's privacy by going through her phone. The ends do not justify the means. The sister knows full well that what she is doing is wrong and chooses to do it anyway...her life choices are only the business of her sisters if she CHOOSES to share..then the sisters can give their two cents....but to grab someone's cell phone and look through the calls and look through the texts is a violation of their privacy.

[Dragon Age]

Alright, alright. Well it was an invasion of privacy but now that SHE knows HER sister is wrecking someone's home, an invasion of privacy at this point is the lesser (MUCH LESSER) of two evils.

[Lilly1607308210]

Thanks agent and nutbrownhare. It is our first response to pull her out cause she is the youngest and it's something we are used to. I know that there is really nothing I can do, I just need to wait for it him to move on or her to see the light. But I hate seeing her get hurt. Although if i'm powerless the best I can do is wait for the dust to clear.

[Unity]

Lilly,

As hard as this is to digest, you should really recognize that your sister is an adult and has to make her own choices, and spreading her personal life all through your family isn't going to solve much other than alienate her further. (Clearly she is already feeling alienated because she never told you what was going on, or felt like she could confide in you).

 

I think you should sit her down and apologize for snooping but tell her that you love and care about her and she should at least protect herself against an unwanted pregnancy and STD's.

[lavenderdove]

You really can't live another person's life for them, nor stop her from making stupid decisions like dating a married man. She's going to learn about this the hard way, and just telling her to stop won't make her.

 

And most likely, this married man won't leave his wife for her... unless he has so much money he doesn't mind paying child support, alimony and giving up half his assets (or more) to his wife. Most married men who cheat won't do that, they just switch from young affair partner to partner, changing girls whenever one of them gets too demanding.

 

So I think she is being naive and is in for some serious heartbreak. If he genuinely loved her, he wouldn't put her in this position, he would have already left his wife for her.

 

So i think this will resolve itself, one way or another, and your best bet is to stay out of it.

[agent1607307371]

Thanks agent and nutbrownhare. It is our first response to pull her out cause she is the youngest and it's something we are used to.

 

 

I am the oldest. I know exactly the feeling you are talking about. Unfortunately sometimes they have to get hurt before they learn.

 

And not actively disapproving isn't fun but it's not approving at least.

[In the Dark]

You being the older sibling looking out for your younger siblings brings me to a slightly off topic but I guess related thought of what would you do if you find your own child is cheating on their partner.

 

The thought to me is a devastating one personally.

 

Despite your snooping which is very much looked down upon here in ENA, I know it was out of concern for her current behavior.

 

I'm certain you don't want something worse to grow out of what is already happening.

She's part of your family for crying out loud.

 

Now you want to talk or slap some sense into your little sister for her choice in dysfunctional relationship of being a married man's mistress which I think is understandable.

 

Thing is what would be the plan of action?

To let this continue as it makes you upset?

 

To know your little sister is a home wrecker?

 

How she could do such a thing?

 

Find out she ends up wrecking this mans marriage and ends up moving in with him and he becomes a regular at your home?

 

Not good thoughts.

 

But I doubt there is anyway you could stop this.

Even if you do mention her kind of relationship in passing negatively around her.

[GoneCrazy]

So i see a few people on here are giving you crap about the privacy, i will agree its not right for you to looks through her phone, but your the older sister just trying to lookout for her.

 

Personally i think you did the right thing, and now helping her out, i'm not sure you should have shared it with your other sisters. Either wway just watch out for her and make sure shes broken it off with the guy, hes still married, plus its only a matter of time before the wife finds out.

[norsewoman]

So i see a few people on here are giving you crap about the privacy, i will agree its not right for you to looks through her phone, but your the older sister just trying to lookout for her.

 

Personally i think you did the right thing, and now helping her out, i'm not sure you should have shared it with your other sisters. Either wway just watch out for her and make sure shes broken it off with the guy, hes still married, plus its only a matter of time before the wife finds out.

 

It's wrong to violate another person's privacy, period. Plus, how do you suggest to the OP that she "makes sure" her little sister breaks it off with this guy?

 

I think what the little sister is doing is wrong, and I understand how distressing it is...believe me, if there is any way I could have controlled who my nieces and nephews married, they wouldn't be where they are now. There's really no way the OP can force her sister to bend to her will.

[Miss Firecracker]

Lilly,

 

No one will talk her out of what she's doing. No matter what you do, she will stop this when she decides to or when she gets caught.

[arcadefire]

Lilly, do not feel feel guilty for looking through your sister's phone. You did so out of love and not out of malice.

 

The greater of two evils, I'm sure any sane person would agree, is your sister engaging in this dangerous affair with an older married man. The only person who can talk her out of it is herself.

[GoneCrazy]

It's wrong to violate another person's privacy, period. Plus, how do you suggest to the OP that she "makes sure" her little sister breaks it off with this guy?

 

I think what the little sister is doing is wrong, and I understand how distressing it is...believe me, if there is any way I could have controlled who my nieces and nephews married, they wouldn't be where they are now. There's really no way the OP can force her sister to bend to her will.

 

If she didn't look through the phone then the sister woudl have kept going and most likely would have gotten hurt in the long run, then she would have left guilty cause she might have been able to prevented or try and help.

 

Now in this case she looked saw what was going on the little sister told her whats happening and now they can at least talk or try and make sense of it all. First off i would call the guy tell him whats going on an knock it off. That will most likely scare him away specially if hes gonna go through the divorce court, it will help the wife out, if she finds out hes been cheating.

 

And when it comes to privacy i understand everyone needs theres but when its a family member really acting weird, and protective over a phone, if someone specially a family member picks up my phone, goes on my comp, and starts looking and using it i aint gonna jump off the wall cause i have nothing to hide (well maybe not the comp lol) I would be annoyed/angry if it happens over and over again.

 

In the end if she trys talking to her sister and she just doesn't wanna listen then fine let her sleep with whoever and let her deal whatever comes her way, in the end i would be happy knowing i stepped in and tryed to help.

[waveseer]

The past is dead. In the present the more options your sister feels she has the less likely she will be to stay with this man. So, have parties, organize outings, attend events always inviting her so she can meet more appropriate men. Don't get discouraged, it could take a couple of months, but eventually she will find someone she likes better than mr. married with children.