Not too keen on daughter's holiday visit this year either

[spinstermanquee]

She hasn't changed any of her partying ways.

 

During the past year she has only called us when there was an issue that required a rescue (usually financially: car repair, financial crisis, tuition, etc). I don't think she really means it that way but she's only 20 and life happens. The thing is, she's so generous and thoughtful with her friends and acquaintances, but so thoughtless and selfish with her immediate family (e.g., does not know or acknowledge any of family's birthdays, holidays, anything). I feel used and it's hard to not pollute my communications with those feelings... yuk.

 

I have said to her, trying to be positive, "It would be nice if you called more often, and we DO like to hear when things are going well." This was met with much protestation about school and work rules her life, yada yada yada. So busy. Can't bring car to you to fix 'cause have to work. Find out, she had a date that weekend.

 

Then we pay remote mechanic for the thing that's wrong. And don't hear from her for another month. She promised to call on x date, didn't. Then when we finally got in touch with her again (she doesn't answer our calls and doesn't have her voice mailbox set up) she gave same old excuses.

 

Is this normal for late teen-early 20's behavior? Is there any hope her for my husband and I to enjoy a reciprocal relationship with our daughter any more? I have no problem helping her financially but I would love for her to stay in contact. It troubles me that she cannot stay in touch. There are no communications issues with her friends...

 

Anyhow I want to craft a loving way to bring this up with her when she is visiting this holiday season and I would appreciate POSITIVE SUGGESTIONS ONLY. I DON'T NEED TO HEAR ABOUT WHAT A BAD MOM I AM!!! Please no flamers. I really want to be able to connect with her in a heartfelt way and hearing what a jerk I am doesn't help me do that

 

Please and thank you for any helpful suggestions you provide.

 

God bless and happy holidays

[DN]

Tell her that love and connection is a two way street and that if she wants to receive she needs to give.

 

She is now and adult and needs to start acting like one.

[spinstermanquee]

Thanks DN, do you have any suggestions as to how I can bring up the subject "non-confrontationally?"

[DN]

I would just bring it up in a matter of fact way with a fairly neutral tone of voice saying that her father and you feel that she is taken advantage of you and isn't reciprocating the love and affection that you shower on her.

[anya1607307555]

I think she needs to miss your support in order to meet you halfway. Personally, I would gently decrease the financial aid along with the conversation DN suggested, so that your actions equal your words. Continue to be open and loving with her but 'connecting with her in a heartfelt way' will only happen when she stops taking you for granted.

 

In a way I do think it is common behaviour for her age. My sister gave my parents hell, it's taken a lot longer than average for her to become less selfish but it improves year on year. There is always hope for a better relationship, be kind to yourself.

[anggrace]

I was pretty selfish and not very concerned with my family at that age. Im NOT saying it's normal and okay. It's just the way it was. BUT my parents never stopped giving me love. What they did stop was giving me money... not that they ever gave me much, but they did help. Twelve years later, looking back, Im so grateful they never stopped loving or accepting me. Im very close with them now and always looking for ways to repay them for all the love they gave me. It was a lesson I had to learn on my own.

[spinstermanquee]

Thanks all for your helpful suggestions.

[Seraphim]

I would say it is normal yes but not ok.