she needed time, but started dating someone new

[JEastern]

Hi everyone,

 

So it's been a little while since I have posted here...it's been a rocky year with this girl I dated. You can look up my previous threads to see what has gone on.

 

Needless to say, this girl and I have tried the relationship three times, and just about three weeks ago, she ended things again. She claimed she just didn't feel the connection right now and needed time to be on her own.

 

I wrote an email a few days later saying that we should move on from the past and work on being friends considering we have a similar social group and see eachother at various events.

 

Today, we arranged to meet for lunch. It started off with small talk, and ended with me bringing up how this is difficult for me. She said it was hard for her as well, but after some talk, it came out that she has been on a few dates with someone new that she feels more of a connection with. So, I got a pit in my stomach, and didn't know what else to say.

 

So now I feel really angry, I was lied to again. She told me she needed time to herself to figure things out, where in fact she was developing things with a new guy. I asked her how long it has been, and she said she's known him and they were talking before things ended with us. I'm going to see her socially tomorrow, potentially with the new guy and I don't know how I'm going to act.

 

This is the closure I knew would happen...just not so soon. I don't know if/when I'll be able to be friends with her. I still care for her a lot, and it's just overwhelming to enter this new phase knowing she has moved on already.

 

Please share thoughts or advice. Thank you in advance.

[CamDoggie]

Hey man, I know how you are feeling. I am getting through a 5.5 year relationship and she leaves because she says she needs to figure things out, and not even a week before that she was saying how should couldn't wait to be married and have kids with me.

 

She ended up going straight for someone else and made me feel like * * * * (he was a rebound). They lasted like 1 month. After that we ended up getting close again, and she said she wanted to be with me. But right as I was about to ask her to be with me again she went for ANOTHER guy that said reminded her of me...huh?

 

So yea, she sleeps over at his house like every night, and I am left here feeling used and sick to my stomach. My advise, even though I'm new to this as well, cut her off and go NC. I'm on my 3rd day now, and even though I get nauseous thinking about them having sex (bleh) I am working my way towards feeling better again.

 

Don't get used like I did man...I thought I knew her and she totally betrayed me.

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

Dude my ex told me the same thing...i need space and i juat need to be alone for a while really means : i wanna get plowed by another dude. Im gonna be honest with you if you have no intention of ever getting back together with her just punch the other guys lights out. I know im gonna get flamed for this but the only reason i havent pummled my ex's new guy is because i still have hope for the future.

[JEastern]

Hey, thanks for the reply.

 

I got used big time. There were many red-flags that I missed/ignored and in hindsight, I should have just left things at being friends instead of doing the relationship for the third time with her. This has been going on for the better part of 8 months...the on again, off again...so it's not as long term as yours.

 

She has a very hard time communicating, so it's always me who initiates the conversations about "us" which today is one example. If she wanted to date, or was in the process of dating...why couldn't she just be honest with me.

 

It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about her possibly having sex with this new guy.

 

It's a long road...this whole thing is just unbelievable.

[In the Dark]

The thing is Cuz.....

It's not the guy who is at fault.

It's your ex.

 

Of course you will be able to get away with smashing the new guy buthe's not the one who decided to break up with you.

[90_hour_sleep]

the ''figure myself out'' line is pretty genuine when it comes up. i don't think people know what they want. they only know that they want to feel something strong...and will go to great lengths to experience that feeling. it's nothing personal against you. it's really just a sign of inner turmoil for the other person. it's not any easier for them in the long run. sure it feels good to have someone...but sooner or later you're forced into facing your demons...and the longer you put that off, the more it's going to hurt.

 

it's a chance to let go. it's probably the hardest thing we can do as humans...but the sooner you learn how to let go of whatever happens...the more ready you'll be to find some peace in your life. learn to let go of the anger you feel. experience it...but don't hold onto. try to understand that she's ultimately as confused as you are. if she really knew...she wouldn't be flip-flopping. she wouldn't be chasing temporary pleasure. pleasure never lasts. sooner or later it turns into something else...and you're left wondering if what you had was ever all that great to begin with. maybe it was just another escape. you can't run .you can't hide. sooner or later you face what hurts you. be grateful for it when it happens.

[hopelessincan]

Dude my ex told me the same thing...i need space and i juat need to be alone for a while really means : i wanna get plowed by another dude. Im gonna be honest with you if you have no intention of ever getting back together with her just punch the other guys lights out. I know im gonna get flamed for this but the only reason i havent pummled my ex's new guy is because i still have hope for the future.

 

LOL. Sorry but this cracked me up. This reminds me of a guy friend of mine who actually did this. 35 years old. LOL. tsk tsk

[JEastern]

I can't trust her at all right now, but a little part of me feels like maybe down the road it's possible things will ignite again. I can't believe I still think that way, but I still really care for her.

[CuZiNeeDYoU]

The thing is Cuz.....

It's not the guy who is at fault.

It's your ex.

 

Of course you will be able to get away with smashing the new guy buthe's not the one who decided to break up with you.

 

I know that...youre absolutely right! But imo this kind of situation is the most painfull one, because not only are you being rejected... You are being replaced alltogether! Sleepless nights, loss of apetite and mental pictures of your dearest taking someone elses *** from behind. I have never felt such pain. And you start thinking...well there is absolutely nothing i can do to affect her anymore. I cant threaten to leave her, i cant tell her ill never speak to you again cause thats what she wants. You feel powerless against her newfound happiness. So the only option that remains is to attack her new source of happiness i.e. The new boyfriend. Anyway thats the way i saw it in the beginning

[peanutbutterandjelly]

this was a really great post. thank you!

[WomanWriter]

Can we start an "I need to find myself/I need to get my life together" club? Seriously, I was told the same thing...that he wanted to be alone and independent...said there was no other woman. What happens? He is in a relationship with someone he started working with shortly before our breakup.

 

So, yeah...it's sad. And now predictable. Anytime someone tells me he needs to "find himself" I am going to remember the many stories here on ENA and recall that it's a line of crap. It is. Almost every time without fail. This is another one to add to the list.

 

I think we have the biggest club on ENA! I wish we could take a poll to see what the most common reason given was for breaking up. I'm sure the whole "It's not you, it's me/I want to be independent/I want to find myself/I'm not ready/I can't be in a relationship right now" concept would win by a huge margin!

[JEastern]

It's a great post 90_hour, thank you.

 

I just don't know if this connection is temporary, or legit for the long-run. She claims she really likes me, but can't bridge the gap between friend and relationship. It's not the friendship that's beyond being in a relationship...for whatever reason, she couldn't find a way to bridge it. I will add, she's six years older then I am.

 

After reading other posts in the forums, I'm curious if, to her, what we had was enough to have her coming back TO ME, or if I was the temporary fling? Does that make sense?

[90_hour_sleep]

this was a really great post. thank you!

 

maybe...but i'm drunk. haha...seriously. drunk and lonely at the moment. but i think i get it...regardless of that.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

ill join lol

[tina-rocks]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation JEastern,

 

It's so hard to bare sometimes knowing they are with someone else and I suspect you are feeling very anxious over this up coming meeting.

 

I think it would do you a lot of good to step back for a moment. This would allow you time to reflect and will allow you to see the things you missed during your relationship with her. Also you will feel less fuzzy about the little details which are niggling away at you.

 

I know this is difficult for you trust me, so give yourself the room to breathe.

 

Hugs! sent your way with some strength to get you through this tough time ahead.

 

Always here to chat if you need to.

 

Christina x x

[90_hour_sleep]

It's a great post 90_hour, thank you.

 

I just don't know if this connection is temporary, or legit for the long-run. She claims she really likes me, but can't bridge the gap between friend and relationship. It's not the friendship that's beyond being in a relationship...for whatever reason, she couldn't find a way to bridge it. I will add, she's six years older then I am.

 

After reading other posts in the forums, I'm curious if, to her, what we had was enough to have her coming back TO ME, or if I was the temporary fling? Does that make sense?

 

no one knows that. it's probably the most frustrating part of the whole breakup experience. just...not knowing. fortunately...it's the way life works in virtually all situations. we never know what's going to happen. when you got together with your ex...did you know if it was going to work out? we're constantly presented with situations that open us up to being okay with not knowing. if you dont' know...is there really any sense fighting that you don't know? maybe it feels practicle...but does it make you feel better? not usually. it makes you feel worse. acceptance is difficult...but i wonder sometimes if it's not the most worthwhile thing we can learn how to do. it hurts to always be fighting what is. someone left you...yep...it hurts. it feels horrible. but...it's the reality. nothing you can do will change the fact that that person is gone. why not go into that. stop fighting...and go with the experience. it's obviously important. things don't just happen. everything that happens is interconnected. i think it's physics...i could be wrong. it's not easy. there will always be setbacks. there will always be moments when the pain swims in again. but...it has to be that way. if the pain comes back...it means you haven't dealt with it.

 

i think back to my own relationships...the most recent one in particular. it really did feel perfect for so long. and, i imagine her new relationship feels just the same. it won't always feel that way though. not that that's what i'm hoping for. nothing lasts. everything ends at some point. letting go. it's really what life is all about. either you resist with everything you have...and cling to whatever you have...or you learn to let go. it's the only thing that brings peace.

 

i dunno...i'm tired of holding on the things that are gone. it's great if you feel like being miserable...but sooner or later, that gets old too...and you're left wondering why you've spent so much time being bitter, and angry...and just plain miserable. maybe it's what needs to happen. it feels good to let go of that though...to finally feel okay again. i wish it for everyone.

 

maybe you were a temporary fling to her. who knows. but, friendship is a more powerful bond than passion. passion always fades...always. friendship is a true bond. there's substance to it. but, unfortunately, that doesn't always keep people close on an intimate level. we're always left looking for more. end the cycle!! haha.

 

she doesn't know what she wants. she'll figure it out on her time. maybe it will work out for you. if you're both ready. all about timing...isn't it.

 

 

[fantom1399]

Wow... Reading this thread makes me think of my break up with my ex. After 3 years of being together, she told me that she just wants to think about herself and she needs to keep herself happy. I don't know if she's with another man right now and I don't want to know because it's just going to set me off but if she's with another guy, then her whole speech and a freaking lie. I just don't understand what "I want to be alone" means. Oh Man.

[JEastern]

Tina, thank you for the kind words.

 

90_hour, I'm sick of feeling miserable over this. Last thing I want is to dwell on this any longer, but it's still fresh and stings. I know I'll move on, and when I find someone new, and they actually want to be with me, it will be great. The hard part is getting past the 'rejection' and 'replacement' and starting back at square one.

 

Many things just don't make sense, things were really great again, but she just switched off all of the sudden. I could sense something, and started doubting everything and actually created some anxiety for me. Everytime she would call, would it be a break-up talk? It wasn't good.

 

I want her to be happy, and I told her that today. I just wanted to get some answers, and hopefully I didn't sell my dignity.

[BriarRose]

Whenever someone says they need space, it usually means they have met someone and want to see where it goes. This is equally true for both men and women.

[90_hour_sleep]

Tina, thank you for the kind words.

 

90_hour, I'm sick of feeling miserable over this. Last thing I want is to dwell on this any longer, but it's still fresh and stings. I know I'll move on, and when I find someone new, and they actually want to be with me, it will be great.

 

Many things just don't make sense, things were really great again, but she just switched off all of the sudden. I could sense something, and started doubting everything and actually created some anxiety for me. Everytime she would call, would it be a break-up talk? It wasn't good.

 

I want her to be happy, and I told her that today. I just wanted to get some answers, and hopefully I didn't sell my dignity.

 

 

 

well...it's not easy to just stop being miserable. there's a period of time when it seems completely natural...like it just can't be any other way. there's no formula for it. but, when you're ready, you'll really begin to let go.

 

to me, letting go isn't just about cutting someone loose completely...it's more about just opening up to what you're going through. there's no denial, or repression. you acknowledge everything that's happened. there's a certain sense of accountability. there's no blame. blame is so useless in the grand scheme of things. blame is the same as finding someone new when you're not ready. it's a distraction. it keeps you from really getting into what you're going through. keeps you stuck in the same place. no wonder it never leads to anything better.

 

you'll get over your dignity. can't deny what you're feeling. might as well embrace it.

[In the Dark]

I know that...youre absolutely right! But imo this kind of situation is the most painfull one, because not only are you being rejected... You are being replaced alltogether! Sleepless nights, loss of apetite and mental pictures of your dearest taking someone elses *** from behind. I have never felt such pain. And you start thinking...well there is absolutely nothing i can do to affect her anymore. I cant threaten to leave her, i cant tell her ill never speak to you again cause thats what she wants. You feel powerless against her newfound happiness. So the only option that remains is to attack her new source of happiness i.e. The new boyfriend. Anyway thats the way i saw it in the beginning

 

Yes it is a gut wrenching thought to be lieing in your bed knowing that right now she is in another guys bed getting ****ed while you are there thinking of her.

 

But it's inevitable.

 

Yes she has won.

 

It was ALL her choice no matter how much it destroys you.

You're out of sight out of mind.

So she doesn't feel hurt......

 

All your ex's doing.

All her choice.

Destroying the person she is ****ing isn't going to make things better at all as she was the one who gave you this incredible pain without a care in the world.

 

Sorry nothing is positive thereis nothing positive about what she did.

 

Or a bright side to it.

[jimmajam]

I think maybe the next 60-70 years will suffice.

[Ms Darcy]

It sounds like you had an on and off year with her. If she were to come back today and say she wanted to get married, how would you feel? Is she your ONE?

 

Because I think if she isn't, then at least you know there's someone better for you out there.

[JEastern]

If she were to come back today, would I take her back? No, I wouldn't be able to believe anything she says.

 

Needless to say, all the thoughts you have when you wake up haunt you...so it's tough right now. Coming to grips with rejection and replacement.

 

What also hurts a lot is how during our relationship, near the end...she was already shopping around. She met this guy somewhere and was in contact with him. She just dropped me and moved onto the new guy. Did she even really care how much she hurt me?