I fear I am becoming unhinged

[rapunzel]

Just looking for some support/kind words this evening. None of my friends are around and they are probably all sick of me/this stuff anyway...

 

My ex (for lack of a better term) is dating a woman who lives very close to where I live. Through the all knowing Google, I figured out who she was and where she lives. Through the entire year plus we were broken up, I never once called, emailed him, nor once wanted to drive by his house. Especially the drive by- I knew it was risky, and I knew if he EVER saw me, that would just be plain awful.

 

So he's been seeing this woman for at I'd say 2-3 months. And I am finding I cannot resist taking that road home, to see if his car is there. And today we had a slight email volley over some band business...and I was afraid I sounded "negative" when I responded to something he wrote. He never responded. He doesn't care about me - at all - I need to accept this.

 

I was out for drinks with some friends tonight, and once again, I took that road home - mind you, I did NOT have to drive that way - but I have this apparently sick need to torture myself and confirm if he is still seeing her - and there was his car - again, in front of her building - why not? It's Friday night. She probably cooked him a nice meal, they'll snuggle and hang out on a cold wintry night - have fabulous sex, etc.

 

So, he's still seeing her and my mind is running amok - they are in love. He hit the jackpot - he's 50, she's 35. Maybe she'll bear his child.

 

I know it's over, he's NEVER coming back no matter what kind of email I send. I also know that this is teetering on really messed up behavior, that I usually ascribe to other people - and here I am - doing what I would consider pretty messed up stuff.

 

I'm sitting here alone, and he is with her, less than a mile from where I live.

 

Has anyone been in such a sad and lonely place as I'm in right now? If I did not have to see him at rehearsal on Monday, would I even be doing the stuff I'm doing? I know I need help, and I think I know the answer to my problem - I need to cut all ties with him - something I have been resisting - but it appears I'm getting worse and can't resist driving by this woman's place - to keep torturing myself and confirming that I am barely a blip on his radar at this point.

 

I guess this is what they call rock bottom...and thankfully there is no place to go but up.

[tina-rocks]

Sorry rapunzel you are suffering tonight.. I think I understand why you keep doing this to yourself. It's because you are hoping inside that he will not be there when you go.

 

Sometimes the thing we most want which is to keep contact can be the very thing that has the worst effect. Maybe seeing him is not helping you right now as the wounds are still fresh from the breakup. It might be time for you to go NC. It will be hard for you I know but you have to do what's best, in order for you to start to heal.

 

I honestly feel your pain and wish I could erase it for you..

 

If you need someone to talk to I am a good listener.

 

Christina x

[engraved2008]

You really love this man and what happens is that sometimes we love a man more than ourselves,i have been through this,and the gelosy just made me sicker,could not eat or slee,i almost ended up in hospital...and he was partyng...i m better now ,i still think of him...but i do not think of him daily and not in a desperate way,yes i can love again one day,and time will heal...there is hope even though we feel like the our sky is falling apart.

[SparklyBoots]

Hey hun,

 

First up big hugs....don't be so hard on yourself. Is this really any worse than folk who torture themselves by looking at the ex on Facebook...this urge to know is common in a lot of folk...BUT there comes a point where you just really have to decide to stop torturing yourself.

 

A good friend of mine recently gave me a lecture which really hit hime. She told me we all choose what we do in this life. We can sit and wallow and let ourselves be sad or we can choose to be happy and look at all the rest of stuff life has to offer...she was tired of seeing me choose sad...at first I felt a bit indignant and thought well if only it was that easy...but you know, I tried it, really gave it a go and I am already feeling much better.

 

You know that driving past this place is not healthy for you....what you don't know can't hurt you the way seeing his car does...just be strong and stop doing it...it may be difficult to start with, but the more you succeed in not giving in to the urge the easier it will get.

 

I know this sounds simplistic and won't really help, but you sound like a strong woman - you have got this far so far...keep that strength going and start moving forward again....

[ghostgirl116]

is there a chance that, just for your sanity, you can NOT be in the band? is it your only means of a living? can you find other work? another band? is being in this band a way to hold on to him? oh, i have soooo been in your shoes... and oh my gosh, i'd rather be punched every day. please just stop driving by that place. it can be that simple. you DO NOT HAVE TO drive by her place... you make yourself. why do we kick ourselves when we need to love ourselves? are you not deserving of love? i am so sorry that you are going throught this pain. there is nothing like it... please don't torture yourself by making yourself physically see the evidence of their relationship by driving by her place.

 

xx--gg

[rapunzel]

Sorry rapunzel you are suffering tonight.. I think I understand why you keep doing this to yourself. It's because you are hoping inside that he will not be there when you go.

 

Sometimes the thing we most want which is to keep contact can be the very thing that has the worst effect. Maybe seeing him is not helping you right now as the wounds are still fresh from the breakup. It might be time for you to go NC. It will be hard for you I know but you have to do what's best, in order for you to start to heal.

 

I honestly feel your pain and wish I could erase it for you..

 

If you need someone to talk to I am a good listener.

 

Christina x

 

thanks..not to go into my entire story, but we work together as musicians and I would have to quit the really wonderful group we are in. Otherwise, I would be No Contact all the way - in fact, I would not have even known he was with this woman except I saw them at a gig we had in October.

 

I suggested taking a leave of absence to my bandmate/confidante, he thought it would not work as it would be too "weird." So, I don't know...

 

But thanks so much for listening, I think I just needed to vent about it. I am feeling a little better now. It's not the end of the world...

[rapunzel]

Somehow it DOES feel worse than Facebook - in that it happens in REAL time. There's his car, I'm in my car, I'm driving, he's in her apartment - it's just surreal. I have NEVER done anything like this in my life, which is why I feel I am becoming unhinged...

 

I DO think I can stop but it probably has to come with a STOP to the whole madness and having to see him for rehearsals and performances. I wanted to get over it....I'm still very hopeful that one day I'll wake up and be over it. Maybe that will happen this weekend? Maybe I won't have to quit? pray that some day - very soon - I will wake up and be over it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Somebody I know put herself on a dating site and within a few weeks found herself a boyfriend. She just decided one day that she was tired of being single so she put herself on and grabbed the first man who showed interest. He is unemployed and about 13 years older than her in his sixties, long distance. Does it hurt that she can decide she wants to have a boyfriend and voila, instant boyfriend...oh yes it hurts badly. On the other hand, when you are not selective and will take anyone and under any circumstances, most people can find someone. Would I want the kind of man she has..absolutely not...I am not interested in men in their 60's. What hurts, however, is the fact that she has someone to go places with, to do things with, to enjoy life with, and I sit here year after year after year on my own doing activities on my own, going on vacations on my own etc...and no matter how hard I tried, I never had any relationship just fall into my lap when I decided this is what I wanted. I had a good cry tonight...because I look ahead to the next 20 years of my life and I see the same thing as the last 46 years. Twenty years ago I never imagined that I wouldn't have a partner...now I can't imagine I will ever find one in the next twenty years...and that thought makes me very very sad, especially when I see people around me who settle for anything and have someone to have fun times with.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hey, R...

 

I just happened to sign on tonight to do some work, and I'm glad I found your post.

 

You know I've been there. I don't need to tell you. I know exactly what you're going through -- sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, and I think, "My God! Who is this person who is so wrecked, so tied up in knots, over some GUY who doesn't deserve it!" I am a strong woman -- as are you -- I am smart. I am savvy. I have self-respect and dignity -- as do you. And YET...I let this one guy get so under my skin that my life has been turned upside down and inside out. No one can tell, of course, except my closest friends; I hold it together quite well, as I suspect you do. On the inside, though, I've been a wreck, for quite some time -- sad, unable to concentrate, having lost interest in the things that I used to so enjoy doing, anxiously analyzing his ever word and action (or lack thereof), looking for signs of him still wanting me. The worst is thinking of him with someone else. I know how tempting it is to do that, especially when you know he is with her, but one thing you have to keep reminding yourself of is that driving past her house does absolutely NOTHING for you. When you are tempted to do it, pause, take a deep breath, and ask yourself "How does this help me?" The answer, of course, is that it doesn't, and stopping to really ask yourself that question will make that fact even more real for you.

 

And, as we've discussed, you have to work at not making comparisons. I know it's hard to avoid doing. My ex just announced the other day that his previous ex -- the one who has ripped his heart out several times already -- wants him back again. He didn't say whether he's going to take her back, but I am living my life operating on the assumption that he is, because quite frankly, that's his pattern, and I don't see him breaking out of it. It's unhealthy, and he's admitted that, but he is unwilling to let go. Sometimes I catch myself wondering why she's so much "better" than me that he would give her repeated chances to break his heart and not even give me ONE real chance to love him. The truth is, she's not "better." She's not prettier, she's not smarter, she's not more successful -- we're all unique, and we can't make those kinds of comparisons. I may not BE her, but I am my own person -- beautiful, smart, successful, etc. in my OWN ways, and putting myself up against her is pointless and a recipe for grief. YOU are special in your own ways -- beautiful, successful, smart, kind -- regardless of what she is or isn't -- nothing changes who you are or makes you any "less than."

 

I know we've discussed this before, and I've told you that I agree it's best for you to sever ties with him, permanently if possible. I still believe that -- that at least, for a significant amount of time, you need to have nothing to do with him. I know that people have advised you that quitting is a bad idea, but sometimes, there are things we need to do for our own well-being and peace of mind, things that other people may not understand. In a perfect world, we'd all be able to work with our exes and not feel terrible; in reality, though, working with an ex is HARD (if you still love him) and while I agree that no one should dictate our decisions to us, I think that sometimes we have to take measures to protect ourselves. Do what you need to do for yourself.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. No more drive-bys, OK? If you feel like doing it, take a deep breath, pause, and ask, "How will this help me?" When you start to compare yourself to his new girlfriend, pause and make a list -- even a mental one -- of all of YOUR good qualities -- leave her out of it.

 

You have my support. I am sad tonight, too, as I knoew that the thing I worried about most is inevitable -- mine's probably going to reconcile with his previous ex, having left him at least three times before. I can't get my mind around it, but there is nothing I can do but let go.

 

 

Hang in there and be kind to yourself.

[rapunzel]

is there a chance that, just for your sanity, you can NOT be in the band? is it your only means of a living? can you find other work? another band? is being in this band a way to hold on to him? oh, i have soooo been in your shoes... and oh my gosh, i'd rather be punched every day. please just stop driving by that place. it can be that simple. you DO NOT HAVE TO drive by her place... you make yourself. why do we kick ourselves when we need to love ourselves? are you not deserving of love? i am so sorry that you are going throught this pain. there is nothing like it... please don't torture yourself by making yourself physically see the evidence of their relationship by driving by her place.

 

xx--gg

 

Thanks...yes, I could leave the group. It's not my means of a living but in this very small music community I live in, my decision would have an impact. I can't go into all the details now. No, It's not a way to hold onto HIM - it's a way to hold onto this COMMUNITY - to belong to something, to feel important to people, my fellow musicians - but the failed relationship with him tarnished the whole experience - yes, because I ALLOW it to.

 

I do feel I'm deserving of love but at 48, I know my chances are dwindling. I am trying to accept that that may have been it, and it's OK...some people don't even make it this far, so maybe I can feel blessed to know I could feel THAT level of passion for someone.

 

I think after tonight I have to make a conscious decision that I just cannot take that route anymore, nor can I go a bit out of my way to see if his car is there. I need to fully accept that he is NEVER, EVER coming back to me and I AM torturing myself for NO good reason. I am BETTER than this.

[browneyedgirl36]

Awww...CAD...I know, I know. I think the exact same things sometimes, tonight being one of those times. When I was younger it NEVER occurred to me that I would 39 and never married, with very few relationships in my past. I never thought I would be living alone, going on vacations alone, not having anyone to share my life with and give love to. I think that's why I got so attached to my ex -- it was my first glimpse in YEARS of a future with someone, and I hate the thought of letting go. I have no choice, though -- he isn't giving me one. I have to.

 

We are all strong. We will survive. But it is hard, wanting what seems to come so easily to so many others and wondering why it doesn't come to me at all.

[rapunzel]

OH, do I hear you CAD. I am the same way. I don't want to date a man in his 60's, I am a YOUNG 48. Yes, it would be nice to be with someone, to have a partner to do things with. I feel the same way as you do, and I know I have to work on accepting that this just may be it for me....unless I am REALLY lucky.

 

Well, we're just not people who will settle and it's OK. We would not be happy settling....in fact, we'd probably be LESS happy but I completely hear what you are saying, and I also fear the same fate.

[tina-rocks]

thanks..not to go into my entire story, but we work together as musicians and I would have to quit the really wonderful group we are in. Otherwise, I would be No Contact all the way - in fact, I would not have even known he was with this woman except I saw them at a gig we had in October.

 

I suggested taking a leave of absence to my bandmate/confidante, he thought it would not work as it would be too "weird." So, I don't know...

 

But thanks so much for listening, I think I just needed to vent about it. I am feeling a little better now. It's not the end of the world...

 

I understand as my ex husband and I were in a band together and I used to help in the studio doing singing for the various bands that came in.

 

It would be hard for you to give up with a band you are strongly connected to and where the music obviously works and you all gel. you have been very brave I think to keep this going with the band knowing he will be there and I can understand you not wanting to give that up.

 

I'm glad you are feeling a little better now...

 

You will get through this just hang in there..

[curiocity]

Here for ya. Your story is sad but like you said, its rock bottom. You will come out of it. Just dont lose hope. Feel free to IM if you need to.

[rapunzel]

Thank you, you put that so beautifully and it really resonated with me. Especially the part about not comparing myself to her. Ugh, despite that, I found out even more by looking at her Facebook profile - with their new privacy settings showing MORE than you could see before - and finding out she went to a prestigious boarding school instead of a high school - the same boarding school JFK and countless other illuminaries went to. So know I know she's from old, old Yankee money. So she did the boarding school, and then the Ivy league college, and the really elite Ivy league colllege for grad school. And i know this should not matter - he's not from old money - but he has looks, charm, sexiness and talent. I fell in love with him, why wouldn't she?

 

Yet I keep wondering - what is the likelihood they will last with their age difference and different backgrounds? And I KNOW this should not be my concern.

 

I'm sorry to hear your ex is just stuck in his old pattern - and it's VERY good you are leaving the country!

 

Thanks for your thoughts, I will definitely consider leaving....this is getting too much and I need to break the chain, painful as it may be.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Awww...CAD...I know, I know. I think the exact same things sometimes, tonight being one of those times. When I was younger it NEVER occurred to me that I would 39 and never married, with very few relationships in my past. I never thought I would be living alone, going on vacations alone, not having anyone to share my life with and give love to. I think that's why I got so attached to my ex -- it was my first glimpse in YEARS of a future with someone, and I hate the thought of letting go. I have no choice, though -- he isn't giving me one. I have to.

 

We are all strong. We will survive. But it is hard, wanting what seems to come so easily to so many others and wondering why it doesn't come to me at all.

 

In 2009 there have been several deaths of people I once knew from school or through friends..in their 40's, plus the death of my uncle in his late 60's. It has just really hit home that I am not young anymore and that time is marching on..and that I might very well be one of those aging "spinsters" you always read about knitting slippers. I understand how you feel about thinking you have finally found someone, that your time has finally come, only to find out that it was not to be and it is back to the drawing board.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

In the superficial-land your ex lives in, those "credentials" might matter..but those credentials don't really make the woman. Character is more important. Perhaps you should really look at how your ex's values and what he wants in a relationship are so completely opposite to your own that long-term you two never would have worked out. He lives in superfical-land whereas you live in the real world.

[jettison]

Here rapunzel, flirt with this cat for awhile. It will make you feel better.

 

image removed

[curiocity]

Here rapunzel, flirt with this cat for awhile. It will make you feel better.

 

image removed

 

Oooooh creepy!!!!!!

 

 

[jettison]

Oooooh creepy!!!!!!

 

 

Not at all, if you look closely, he is mouthing "Paws open. Paws closed. Paws open. Paws closed," in his statesman-like voice. He is here to calm us all down with his hypnotic feline powers.

[rapunzel]

Not at all, if you look closely, he is mouthing "Paws open. Paws closed. Paws open. Paws closed," in his statesman-like voice. He is here to calm us all down with his hypnotic feline powers.

 

OKAY, fine! You are messing with me but it made me laugh, you scoundrel!

[jettison]

OKAY, fine! You are messing with me but it made me laugh, you scoundrel!

 

Good! Remember missy, it's not about finding love. It's about removing the barriers that don't let love in. Maybe you've already read it, but it wouldn't hurt you to read The Alchemist (again). You are more ok, and much less unhinged then you really think. You really are ok, but you just haven't realized it yet.

[rapunzel]

In the superficial-land your ex lives in, those "credentials" might matter..but those credentials don't really make the woman. Character is more important. Perhaps you should really look at how your ex's values and what he wants in a relationship are so completely opposite to your own that long-term you two never would have worked out. He lives in superfical-land whereas you live in the real world.

 

Well, yeah....the thing is, she is probably a really nice person. So maybe he really did hit the jackpot. I just don't know a 35 year old woman from a blue blood family and an Ivy league background can have a future with a 50 year old musician...very handsome, smart musician....with no money...but stranger things have happened.

 

His values are: he wanted a younger woman, he lied about his age online by 6 years to pursue women 7-15 years younger than he was. He totally got what he wanted!

 

I'm not convinced he lives in superficial world but thanks for saying that.

[rapunzel]

Good! Remember missy, it's not about finding love. It's about removing the barriers that don't let love in. Maybe you've already read it, but it wouldn't hurt you to read The Alchemist (again). You are more ok, and much less unhinged then you really think. You really are ok, but you just haven't realized it yet.

 

Hmmm...I never read that book. I will.

 

I would like to believe what you are saying....but I don't meet enough suitable candidates to "let love in". I fear I will never feel that level of attraction again. It happens every 8-10 years it seems.

 

Ya know, maybe it's just time to get a cat and call it a day. Maybe even two cats.

[curiocity]

Hmmm...I never read that book. I will.

 

I would like to believe what you are saying....but I don't meet enough suitable candidates to "let love in". I fear I will never feel that level of attraction again. It happens every 8-10 years it seems.

 

Ya know, maybe it's just time to get a cat and call it a day. Maybe even two cats.

 

See you still got your sense of humor. Not all is lost. Men, my dear, are overrated. So are relationships.