I fear I am becoming unhinged

[citymouse]

The fluidity of conversing is incredibly important to healing. Even in if your therapist is quiet, you can communicate through body language and you are encouraged to think on your feet continuously. Additionally, your therapist is responsible for tracking your progress. He or she can connect the dots that you might not see.

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Sorry for the multiple posts but this is just hitting a button for me. I agree wholeheartedly with what Ms. Darcy says here.

 

I think, too, the verbalizing that the patient does, is part of the healing process. You hear yourself say things out loud. The tone of your voice, the pauses, the choice of words. Your therapist watches your body language and facial expressions, just sits there and listens and mirrors it back to you, or asks a simple question you hadn't thought of, and then the gong goes off. The aha moment.

 

It's an incredibly vulnerable process and that is why it is so intimidating. In the past, I have tended to resist going into therapy -- until I just couldn't stand it anymore.

 

I remember one time when I described a particularly symbolic dream to my therapist. I hadn't assigned too much importance to it, just thought it was another depressing dream about me and my ex. My therapist sat up a little straighter and started scribbling on her pad... the insights we arrived at together were a turning point for me, the beginning of my release.

 

You can't get that type of stuff here on the boards.

[rapunzel]

Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it.

 

I have to admit one thing keeping me from therapy is the cost. I just got my health insurance premium increase: $580 a month for an HMO. $25.00 copay on top of that. I am self employed. It is insane. I go to the doctor once a year.

 

So if I go to a therapist once a week, we're looking at another $100 on top of my $580.00 per month. And I'm not convinced a therapist is going to tell me anything I don't already know. I KNOW what the problem is.

 

As I've pointed out, the problem here is that I have never been able to get away from this man for long enough to get over him. I know that complete NC is the solution but I have resisted because I did not want to give up this part of my life - this music group we are in together. I know if I leave, I will get over him as long as he is not in my sights. My estimate is I will need 6 months. I feel better when I don't see him, and then I see him and well, I don't have to say anymore.

 

I'm going to see how the next show goes and then see how I feel.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I hear you. I had tried a therapist at about 4 different points in my life when things had gotten overwhelming for me and I found them totally useless and actually quite patronizing. I have read a lot and analyzed my thoughts and feelings on my own and have come to better self-awareness by doing it on my own rather than dealing with therapists who really did not understand me or the situations I was in.

 

Your situation is indeed different from most people trying to get over someone because you work with this guy and it would be a shame to give up what you like doing simply because this guy is there. When someone is not in your space and you don't have to deal with them it is easier to heal..that is not to say it is easier to get over them...but it is simply easier to reach acceptance and to see them through a different lens. Right now you see him and your heart melts...if you didn't have to see him prancing around you would be able to focus on his character rather than on his physical presence and his charming way about him.

[SnowFox]

For people who can't afford therapy and who feel trapped in repetitive patterns of thoughts and emotions.....I recommend learning meditation and then practicing it daily.

 

I have those obsessive tendencies. And when I am unhappy or stressed or disappointed, they lead me to rumination, which is what can drive me into depression.

 

I see a lot of those same patterns in what you write Rapunzel.

 

I can honestly say that meditation has been a bigger piece of my overall ability to rise above those tendencies than therapy has.

 

My intention is not to create a comparison between therapy and meditation, but rather to say that, in my experience, and that of people I have been in meditation groups with over the years, both can play a very strong role in healing unhealthy mental and emotional issues.

 

The good thing about meditation is that it is free.

[rapunzel]

I hear you. I had tried a therapist at about 4 different points in my life when things had gotten overwhelming for me and I found them totally useless and actually quite patronizing. I have read a lot and analyzed my thoughts and feelings on my own and have come to better self-awareness by doing it on my own rather than dealing with therapists who really did not understand me or the situations I was in.

 

I agree. Possibly I have not found the right therapist but I have never had a lightbulb moment with therapy, nor have I heard anything that was the key to make me change. I find that reading books and talking to people, and since I found ENA, talking with others who are going through the same thing has been the most helpful.

 

Your situation is indeed different from most people trying to get over someone because you work with this guy and it would be a shame to give up what you like doing simply because this guy is there. When someone is not in your space and you don't have to deal with them it is easier to heal..that is not to say it is easier to get over them...but it is simply easier to reach acceptance and to see them through a different lens. Right now you see him and your heart melts...if you didn't have to see him prancing around you would be able to focus on his character rather than on his physical presence and his charming way about him.

 

True. Quite true. Thanks for acknowledging that CAD.

 

I am able to focus on his character as well as his physical appeal. He admitted to me several times that he has had problems with running from his relationships rather than trying to work things out. So he's now with this new woman and we'll see if he runs from her too. I guess I should be thankful that she will deal with his 'stuff' now and not me. I highly doubt at the age of 50 that, even if he is in therapy, he will suddenly solve all his problems, stop wanting what he can't have, and focus on one woman, commit to her and curb his pension for gazing at other women. It seems unlikely that it will be smooth sailing for he and she. I know it's not my business but I assume that he's in love and treating her like gold due to her youth and status but in truth, I know nothing about them. I do know what he told me: he could not commit to the last one and was cavalier about their relationship until she finally didn't want him anymore - and THEN he wanted her bad....but it was too late.

[rapunzel]

For people who can't afford therapy and who feel trapped in repetitive patterns of thoughts and emotions.....I recommend learning meditation and then practicing it daily.

 

I have those obsessive tendencies. And when I am unhappy or stressed or disappointed, they lead me to rumination, which is what can drive me into depression.

 

I see a lot of those same patterns in what you write Rapunzel.

 

I can honestly say that meditation has been a bigger piece of my overall ability to rise above those tendencies than therapy has.

 

My intention is not to create a comparison between therapy and meditation, but rather to say that, in my experience, and that of people I have been in meditation groups with over the years, both can play a very strong role in healing unhealthy mental and emotional issues.

 

The good thing about meditation is that it is free.

 

Thanks TG. Yes, I have attended meditation classes and I think this practice will be helpful. This is a very good idea and I should commit to it and not give up on it. It takes discipline to do it but it is worth the effort. I found a guided meditation mp3 on line that was good so I'm going to start with that. Maybe I'll even do it after I sign off here.

 

I am actually feeling a bit better. I know no one can help me but ME. Things got so bad in my "monkey mind" that I considered retiring from music altogether. That's just crazy. I'm not the best singer in town but I'm good and I have a lot to offer. This afternoon I spent some time singing which I haven't done in weeks (outside of formal rehearsals). It felt really good to do this. I also emailed my other music colleague to tell him I want as many gigs as he can get me in 2010. This past year I was so depressed I was telling him I didn't want to work that much and I think I may have tarnished my relationship with him a bit, so he was considering using another singer.

 

I am going to just focus on my music and take care of myself. The ex is just on the periphery, he's not the reason I'm in music, I was a musician before I met him....just because he rejected me does not mean I suck as a musician (and believe me, my confidence in that department has also suffered). The other band members like me and heck, he even likes me - just not THAT way.

 

So it's OK. I think I will be OK because I'm sick of feeling this way.

[donpeel83]

Hey Rapunzel. I saw this thread a day ago or so and ive been meaning to leave a post.

 

Like yourself, i did basically the exact same thing. When i split from my ex after it turned out she was a cheater i found myself driving past her new flat and trying to work out what her new bf's car. I had no need to be near to her flat but, like you said, i was torturing myself by doing this. I know my ex isnt a good person, far from it, but still i was doing these stupid things. Hell, still i have temptations to do it. I ended up having to fight these urges and basically i fessed up to my family what i had done and got a very stern talking to. I embarrased myself to basically try and shock myself out of doing it. It has worked and despite the fact i havent drove past there for a while i do still get the urges.

 

The important thing you need to remember is that these actions are natural when you go through a break up. Dont beat yourself up to much. Whilst it is not healthy what you are doing, at least you have reconigsed that your doing it. That is the first step and like other people said try things such as meditation. For me, personally, i hit the gym and go boxing and its helps release negative energy and i end up feeling great. Just hang in there, chin up and DO NOT beat yourself up chick. You are not a lesser person for doing this. It is a common and natural thing and you have identified it and are working on bettering yourself. You'll get there hun.

[gardnergirl2]

I am going to a Christian counselor starting next week, and they do not charge. However, they do ask for donations, which I plan to give. That is only fair.....See if there is something like that in your area. And, they are qualified counselors, not someone just off the street..