Should I Give Her Space, Or Is She Telling Me to Go Away?

[Texas2004]

My girlfriend and I were together for about a year when she broke up with me about 3 months ago. There were no fights, abuse, anything like that. Basically, she wanted a stronger commitment to marriage, kids, etc and I at the time was not ready for this.

 

In the time since, she has dealt with some major issues (mainly the loss of her brother in a car accident). It was a very traumatic time, and I have done my best to be there for her as moral support (without any ulterior motive of winning her back). She has been very open and thankful for me being there for her.

 

We had started getting closer again (talking, hanging out) without any physical connection. I was actually quite content with this, as I was trying to be supportive and give her some normalcy in her life.

 

However, two weeks ago, she was talking with me on the phone and brought up out of the blue that she had dated a guy briefly (3 weeks after we broke up!) and had significant issues with him, and asked me why she had challenges in keeping men interested (as she thought I didn’t have interest in her because I wasn’t ready to commit). Needless to say, I struggled with how to answer.

 

I told her I was upset with how the guy treated her, that she deserved better, but I also indicated some of the challenges we had in our relationship (because she asked). I did also tell her how much more I loved her now and how attractive I still found her, and how I would always be there for her.

 

The whole conversation, she really said nothing to me, though I could tell she was crying. She told me I gave her a lot to think about, and we called it a night.

 

Fast forward to now, I haven’t heard anything from her for the past two weeks and am totally confused. Why can’t she tell me what she’s thinking? If I put too much out there, at least tell me that. If she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore, wants to make it clear we can only be friends, then tell me that as well. She broke up with me originally so she should be able to at least tell me this.

 

Or, is she wanting to possibly get back together but she doesn’t want to get hurt again (in case I’m still not ready to commit)?

 

It really bothers me that she can’t at least send me a text or email or call, just to let me know what she’s thinking. I mean, she had the courtesy to break up with me in person, why does she now treat me like I don’t exist? Should I just leave it alone and give her space? I’m in a lot of pain, because I still love her with all my heart.

 

Any thoughts on what might be going through her head?

[curiocity]

Dude!!!!!!!! Doooooooddddddd

 

She lost her brother dood. She needs you. You need to stop thinking about the relationship. You need to make sure she knows you are there for her any time of the day or night.

 

And dude, if you love her, you should let her know that without any expectations. You should say something like, babe, I love you, just wanted you to know that, and I am here for you if you want to talk.

 

Just go at her pace.

 

 

Dooooooooooooddddddddddddd

[jessica911]

i dont think what im telling you now would help you.

 

but, you seems like my ex bf, if you really are ready for it, then tell her. IF shes still into you. or else just be there for her and let it be.

[Keyman]

Dude, just reading your message, you ex girlfriend sees you as a friend at the moment. You've been tehre for during a time of intense emotion. You were her rock and still are. She has even admitted to dating someone after she broke up with you. To me, there has not been any signs that she is interested in getting things going again with you.

 

My advice, as you obviously still want to be with her, is to just wait. Give it time. If you go throwing your heart at her now, she will run away and may never come back. So give her time, and go easy on her. I'm not saying that she will come back, as she has already expressed that she had interest in someone else, and dated him. Be there for her still. Drop her a brief line without the "I want you, I love you" emotion and just ask how she's coping and telling her that you'll always be there for her. Let her come to you, but also be accepting of the fact that she may not come back, and after a certain time prepare to move on.

[petnames]

I honestly think this is a rare situation in which you have proven that you can be there for her and her friend, and she knows that, and I don't think that she will think of it as pressure if you call her and ask her what happened. It is very reasonable for you to be confused as to her response, it was never resolved for you, at all. Just be prepared for anything.

[Texas2004]

Good points...my feelings have changed for her - I actually have realized a stronger love for her since we broke up, because I discovered through my support for her with her brother's death (her only sibling), my love was unconditional. I never thought about myself, only her.

 

I told her this in my conversation, and I was also very clear that I would always be there, no matter what happened with us.

 

I know deep down that she doesn't hate me, in fact, she probably still loves me. However, she just can't deal with it right now for whatever reason.

 

I think NC on my end is best, because I can't sit around each day waiting for that call. I just have to press forward and when she is ready, I will be there to talk.

[tattoobunnie]

She wants a commitment, you don't wanna give her one. You may never be ready for another 10 years. Unless you're like 22 or super young...If you really love her, let her go, and let her be with someone who can give her what she wants and needs.

 

And if you honestly think that you can potentially marry her one day...tell her that, and what's holding you back, career, finances, goals...and how long you may be. If you can't answer that at all, any part of it, it's something inside of you that while you love her a lot, you don't want a future with her. I'm not saying this to mean at all, but you are holding her back from finding that right dude. Even though you both haven't spoken in a few weeks, the minute you contact her, she'll stick around for the possibility. But if there isn't one, be the good guy, and let her go.

 

Either poop or get off the pot.

[SparklyBoots]

If you have been there as moral support for her, there is nothing wrong with contacting her to see how she is...you don't have to wait for her to contact you...and you don't need to talk about your relationship. Just be there for her...she may be wondering why you haven't been in touch...one of you needs to take the initiative here....

[Texas2004]

A lot of good advice here. I took the initiative and sent her a message today telling her exactly how I feel. I actually am ready for a commitment and want to try to make it work with her. I know in my heart that this is not a "want what I can't have" scenario.

 

I do know however that we would have to work repairing what has been lost from the breakup, and then move forward together.

 

I actually think I'm in a win-win here. If she truly loves me and wants to make it work (and now she knows I am willing to commit), then I think we stand a good chance.

 

However, if she can't do it, which is probably the most likely thing, then I know she isn't the one for me.

 

I'm just glad I have shared all of my emotions with her. I would have regretted not getting it all out.

 

Anybody think was a good idea? Or should I have stuck with NC?

[tattoobunnie]

Doing NC at this point is really only your means to provoke a response, in a sense, a form of manipulation. All is did is not contact you for the past two weeks...that doesn't warrant you disappearing because she isn't pouring massive attention on you.

 

You will stand a good chance at getting back together with her if you can remember this. Trust that your both heading towards something, a goal takes time to grow if it has been broken before.

 

"However, if she can't do it, which is probably the most likely thing, then I know she isn't the one for me."

 

Um...no...you specifically wouldn't give her a commitment prior, so if she takes time to commit to you now...it means it takes time to trust and rebuild your relationship as a couple together. While you've been thinking greatly about things, she may not have at all. Keep that in mind if things aren't progressing at a speed that you want.

 

When men say, "I'm not sure if I can give you a commitment," it translates to a woman, "you're not the one I want, or you're not good enough..." While in most cases, it's the guy's rationality and timing of things...you broke a lady's heart. I know you're redeeming yourself with supporting her, but people also make judgment calls on another when there is no external struggle, no one leaning all on the other. All relationships...good, bad, bland, cruise control, awesome.

 

What I'm saying...you may be ready full-force...others, She may totally want you back, but things take time to process.