Does he like me or not??

[wendy torrance]

I'm pretty frustrated right now, and I need some advice.

 

I met this guy at a Halloween party I went to with my friend, "Monica", and her boyfriend, "Mike". I'll call the guy "Chris". He didn't seem interested in me - didn't go out of his way to talk or anything. He wasn't rude, but he just didn't pay me any attention. So later on after the party I was surprised to hear that he'd asked Mike about me and said he thought I was beautiful and seemed "really cool". I was flattered, because he's a handsome guy, and my friends told me he's a good person, smart, with a good head on his shoulders, blah blah blah. A couple of days later Monica said he'd asked about me a couple of times, and what did I think of him? I told her I thought he was attractive but hadn't spent enough time around him to form an opinion about anything else. So she suggested I send him a friend request on Facebook. I did, and included a message, asking if he remembered me, and said it was nice to have met him. A couple days later he accepted and flung me a short message: "Yes of course I remember you! We should all get together soon. Talk to you soon, I hope."

 

So a couple weeks later, I went to a local bar where some of our friends were hanging out and Chris showed up. He seemed happy to see me, and chatted with us for a bit, then he walked away and spent about an hour and a half talking with some of the guys. Then he came back over, hung out for a bit, then left again. This happened for the rest of the night. When he was at our table he was very attentive and even put his arm around me at one point while standing next to me.

 

So after we all left the bar he walked with us to my friend's car and gave me a great big hug... and then kissed me. It was very nice. On the way home though, I realized we hadn't exchanged numbers.

 

So over the next week or so, we didn't talk, but Monica would text me and tell me things like, "we saw Chris last night! He asked about you. He really likes you." At the end of that week she told me that he'd "mentioned" to Mike that he didn't have my number. So the next time we all hung out, I gave it to him. That night he was a lot more attentive, barely left my side. He kissed me again at the end of the night and then when I got home he sent me a few texts. So I thought, well, now that he has my number, maybe he'll use it, right?

 

Wrong! The next morning he texted that he'd had a lot of fun the night before, and we texted each other for about a half hour. But after that, my phone fell silent. I saw him again that weekend and it was more of the same - he was very affectionate, holding my hand while sitting next to me, talking to me, complimenting me on my outfit, etc. At one point I went to the bathroom and Monica told me that when I left he scooted over next to her and told her he really liked me. She said he was grinning and seemed a little bashful and nervous.

 

So it seemed like he liked me when I was at the same place he was - but in between social gatherings, he wasn't calling or texting. But my friends told me he was frequently asking about me, or talking about how much he likes me. I found that weird. And I considered calling him but thought there was a reason he wasn't pursuing me, and didn't want to risk rejection.

 

Thanksgiving Eve, we all hung out at the bar. At first when he saw me he was his usual affectionate self. I hugged him and then turned to go back to my table and he grabbed my hand and pulled me toward him. He held me like that for about five minutes, and then unwrapped his arms from around me but held onto my hand for a bit.

 

And after that, with the exception of him finding me in the crowd a couple times and flashing me a smile, he never made his way back over to me again. Without trying to seem psychotic I paid extra attention to who he was passing the time with, and it wasn't any other girl. He just seemed like he was on another planet. His behavior was such a 180 from what it had been just a couple hours earlier that Monica wondered what could be going on. I admitted that I felt dumb and embarrassed because he was practically ignoring me. And at the end of the night, I walked up to him to say goodbye, and he said, "sorry, I'm really tired tonight, and I just wanted some alone time." I said "Oh, is that why you're ignoring me? That's fine, I was just taking it personally." I smiled wide and hoped I hadn't sounded TOO b****y. He grinned back but seemed embarrassed and said, "You shouldn't." Then he just walked away. I left thinking he'd probably never talk to me again.

 

The next night our friends got together for the holiday. Monica told me she doubted Chris would be over after me calling him out on his weird behavior the night before. But he did show up, and seemed to make an extra effort to be around me and talk with me. I was friendly, didn't make any mention of the night before. I thought, I just don't want things to be awkward. At the end of the night he gave me a long hug goodbye and kissed me on the cheek.

 

So the confusion continued. This past Saturday we all hung out at the bar again because a friend played a show. Chris was not as affectionate with me as he had been, but still sat with me, talked with me, and reached for my hand a couple of times. At one point he walked up to me and told me he owed me an apology for the way he'd acted the night before Thanksgiving. He said he'd just lost his job, and didn't know what he was going to do... he'd had a lot on his mind, but it was nothing personal and he just wanted me to know that. I thanked him for telling me. Then he asked what I was going to be doing after the show, and said I should come over to his house since most of our friends were going to end up there. He said, "I want to hang out with you some more." So I said "maybe" I'd stop by and ended up going there with Monica and Mike. We all sat in the living room, watching TV and chatting. Chris sat accross the room from me, caught my eye several times and would smile or wink at me, but that was it. We left about an hour and a half later... there was nothing going on. Chris was on the front porch talking to another friend of ours and I walked up and hugged him goodbye, and he said, "See ya." That was it.

 

So today I texted him and told him I had a really weird, amusing dream about him, sure that he'd get a kick out of it. And he never responded. I am about ready to give up, but Mike and Monica insist that he DOES in fact like me. Then why is he so "whatever"? Should I approach him? I'm embarrassed and confused.

[hexaemeron]

I'm really having a hard time understanding your issue. He shows interest every time he's near you or near your friends. What concerns me is that you seem to have some... seemingly unrealistic expectations of holding him in sort of wide eyed thrall 24/7.

 

I think you're setting yourself up in a bad way because this guy from your own description sounds like a really nice guy, but you're sounding super needy and entitled of his attention.

[wendy torrance]

Um... I'm not needy. I'm wondering why, in between us seeing each other in social settings, he never attempts to contact me IF he likes me as much as my friends tell me he does. And why is he telling them all of this? We aren't in high school. He knows I like him. It's not some mystery.

[hexaemeron]

Um... I'm not needy. I'm wondering why, in between us seeing each other in social settings, he never attempts to contact me IF he likes me as much as my friends tell me he does. And why is he telling them all of this? We aren't in high school. He knows I like him. It's not some mystery.

 

To clarify, I didn't say you were needy. I said you sounded needy. It sounds like between losing his job and you know, the rest of his life that has nothing to do with you, he has a lot on his plate. He might be a little overwhemed and enjoys spending time with you around your mutual friends.

 

It doesn't sound like a problem to me.

[Jpo]

I'm really having a hard time understanding your issue. He shows interest every time he's near you or near your friends. What concerns me is that you seem to have some... seemingly unrealistic expectations of holding him in sort of wide eyed thrall 24/7.

 

I think you're setting yourself up in a bad way because this guy from your own description sounds like a really nice guy, but you're sounding super needy and entitled of his attention.

 

Yeah, I don't see exactly what the problem is either. Obviously he likes her, as he has said it several times, and shown it. I don't see why he needs to spend every minute with the OP, they aren't even dating. If I was at the party or whatever, I wouldn't want to hang out with the girl I was interested in constantly, I would feel like I was suffocating her.

[wendy torrance]

Well, okay then. I didn't mean to take your words out of context.

 

I've just never seen this before, and had no idea what to make of it. Even his friends think he's being weird. That's why I posted on here - to get some unbiased opinions.

[hexaemeron]

Well, okay then. I didn't mean to take your words out of context.

 

I've just never seen this before, and had no idea what to make of it. Even his friends think he's being weird. That's why I posted on here - to get some unbiased opinions.

 

Can I ask if you've called him?

[dani_katze]

Wendy,

how close are your friends? I would like to understand why your friends keep telling you that he likes you, do they want to help you to try to find a boyfriend? How old is Chris? How old are you? I just need to know some more of our circumstances to give an opinion.

[Boughs]

Easily solved.

 

Just start calling him more often. Ask to get coffee before work or something.

 

Let him know you are trying too.

[greensleeves]

I don't think you sound needy, just confused by his behaviour. There could be alot of things going on with him, for example, if he just lost his job he might be reluctant to enter into any type of relationship (casual or serious) right now...at least until he gets that part of his life sorted out. He might also be a bit shy.

 

He obviously seems to like you or else he wouldn't be opening up to his friends about you. But maybe the fact that the two of you always seem to show up at the same events is making things very convenient and he doesn't feel the need to contact you because he just figures he'll run into you anyway....there's no need to "pursue" you at all, plus the fact that you've already kissed, held hands, etc. takes away from the excitment and anticipation of getting to know someone so there's no mystery at all.

 

Maybe be a little less available?

[wendy torrance]

I don't see why he needs to spend every minute with the OP, they aren't even dating. If I was at the party or whatever, I wouldn't want to hang out with the girl I was interested in constantly, I would feel like I was suffocating her.

 

This isn't about me wanting to spend every minute with him. I don't! He's a cool guy, but I'd freak out if someone wanted to be around me all the darn time.

 

It's just that in the past, even when I have seen someone who has made it abundantly clear that he is not interested in anything too serious, there was contact - however sporadic - between actually seeing one another either one-on-one or in a group setting. The fact that Chris ISN'T making any attempts to contact me is what I think is weird. And our friends all think the same thing.

[wendy torrance]

Can I ask if you've called him?

 

Yes. I called him once one night after we'd left the bar, because he asked me to text him and let him know how I'd be spending the rest of my evening. I texted him and got no reply, so I decided to drive home as it was very late. He texted me when I was halfway home and I called him to explain that it got too late and I hadn't heard from him. We talked for about ten minutes. He said he was sorry he hadn't gotten my message soon enough.

 

Since then, I saw him a few times, but there have been no more phone conversations or texts.

[hexaemeron]

Yes. I called him once one night after we'd left the bar, because he asked me to text him and let him know how I'd be spending the rest of my evening. I texted him and got no reply, so I decided to drive home as it was very late. He texted me when I was halfway home and I called him to explain that it got too late and I hadn't heard from him. We talked for about ten minutes. He said he was sorry he hadn't gotten my message soon enough.

 

Since then, I saw him a few times, but there have been no more phone conversations or texts.

 

Hmm... it doesn't always occur to some people to call frequently. I have asperger's syndrome and I fall into this sort of category often. Have you asked him about it?

[wendy torrance]

Wendy,

how close are your friends? I would like to understand why your friends keep telling you that he likes you, do they want to help you to try to find a boyfriend? How old is Chris? How old are you? I just need to know some more of our circumstances to give an opinion.

 

My friend Monica and I have been close since we were 14 years old. We're 30 now. Chris is 27. Monica's boyfriend Mike is much closer with Chris and most of the others than Monica and I are, but we all consider ourselves friends. I've only known this group with the exception of Monica and Mike for a few months. I don't necessarily think they are trying to "find" me a boyfriend. They know we like each other, is all. I certainly have not gone out of my way to tell them I want to be set up.

[wendy torrance]

Hmm... it doesn't always occur to some people to call frequently. I have asperger's syndrome and I fall into this sort of category often. Have you asked him about it?

 

I have Asperger's syndrome too. He is quite quirky and "different" - this is one of the reasons I like him. We're both a little odd. Our friends say we "mesh very well" together...

 

I haven't once discussed AS with him. Maybe I should. I can't believe as someone who has AS I didn't consider that that could possibly be his issue! Eeek. However he seems much more social and friendly than even I am, and I push myself to make friends and spend a substantial amount of time with them.

 

Thanks for that!

[wendy torrance]

But maybe the fact that the two of you always seem to show up at the same events is making things very convenient and he doesn't feel the need to contact you because he just figures he'll run into you anyway....there's no need to "pursue" you at all, plus the fact that you've already kissed, held hands, etc. takes away from the excitment and anticipation of getting to know someone so there's no mystery at all.

 

That's a good point. Thanks!

[dani_katze]

It came to my mind that maybe he's watching you more before coming more close to you... but I wouldn't neither call nor text him again. Because if he keeps acting this way maybe he's just playing or too insecure with women.

[annie24]

I find this very strange. has he ever asked you out on a real 'date'? not just casual meetups with friends at the bar.

 

why don't you ask him out?

[wendy torrance]

I find this very strange. has he ever asked you out on a real 'date'? not just casual meetups with friends at the bar.

 

why don't you ask him out?

 

No, he has never asked me out on a real date. I have wondered if maybe it's partially what one of the other responses stated - that he knows I'm frequently around at social gatherings, so he doesn't really need to worry about that... no effort is required to be able to see me. That or he could be shy. But even though it's only been a month since we met, I have to admit I do find it a little odd that he hasn't asked me out, to hang out someplace other than the bar or a party. I was quite shocked when he told me last weekend that he thought I should stop by his house, because it was the first time he had hinted at us seeing each other outside of the "normal" setting in which we spend time together. And when I did go to his house, he was very distant.

 

I'm very nervous to ask him out. My confusion and past embarrassment, however brief, is keeping me from asking. I really believe that if he truly wanted to spend more time with me, he would let me know that.

[annie24]

well, it may help you get some clarity. if he likes you so much, but is shy, then just say to him, 'let's grab dinner after work on thursday' or whatever and see what he says. i don't think it's a big deal. i bet he would say yes. at least you'll have some 1-on-1 time with him and see what happens.

[wendy torrance]

well, it may help you get some clarity. if he likes you so much, but is shy, then just say to him, 'let's grab dinner after work on thursday' or whatever and see what he says. i don't think it's a big deal. i bet he would say yes. at least you'll have some 1-on-1 time with him and see what happens.

 

Okay, I'll give it a shot. Thanks, annie

[annie24]

ok, good luck!!! hope it goes well! and if it doesn't, then at least you can stop wondering and move onto the next guy.

[sophie274]

He sounds like he likes you, but for whatever reason is not particularly interested in dating you. I think you've shown him VERY clearly that you like him, have given him your number ... I don't know why he hasn't asked you out but it doesn't really sound like he is planning on it.

 

I think it's fine if you ask him out, and I think he'll probably say yes, but he honestly doesn't sound that interested to me, given all the opportunities he's had to ask you out and hasn't.

 

I still hope I'm wrong and it works out for you though!

[Ms Darcy]

He sounds like he likes you, but for whatever reason is not particularly interested in dating you. I think you've shown him VERY clearly that you like him, have given him your number ... I don't know why he hasn't asked you out but it doesn't really sound like he is planning on it.

 

I think it's fine if you ask him out, and I think he'll probably say yes, but he honestly doesn't sound that interested to me, given all the opportunities he's had to ask you out and hasn't.

 

I still hope I'm wrong and it works out for you though!

 

Finally ... this is the response I agree with

 

I can't help but wonder if your friend is putting a bug in his ear the same way she is putting one in yours about him. "Oh Chris, she likes you" blah blah.

 

You have reached out and made your interest clear. I mean, he's not so shy as to kiss you or invite you to hang out with friends. He easily could have asked you out already. What's missing for me is a desire in him to date you.

 

He can like you all day, if he doesn't want to date you what good is that for you?

[wendy torrance]

Finally ... this is the response I agree with

 

I can't help but wonder if your friend is putting a bug in his ear the same way she is putting one in yours about him. "Oh Chris, she likes you" blah blah.

 

You have reached out and made your interest clear. I mean, he's not so shy as to kiss you or invite you to hang out with friends. He easily could have asked you out already. What's missing for me is a desire in him to date you.

 

He can like you all day, if he doesn't want to date you what good is that for you?

 

Sigh... Yes, you're right. I texted him yesterday - a very brief text that just said that I'd had this weird dream about him that I thought he'd find funny - and he never responded. Not a huge thing but I figured if he can't bother to fling me a simple reply - "Haha", "Lol" or even "Weird!", then he really must not give a sh*t. So I'm not going to ask him out, or call, or text, or anything. I feel kind of dumb for wasting my time typing out that lengthy first post, but I did get a lot of replies, which I really appreciated.

 

I don't know why my friends were going out of their way to tell me over and over how he frequently mentioned me and how much he liked me. But whatever. It doesn't matter anymore.