Is this good or not? quick reply please

[baker53]

Ok so I saw my ex today in class. The last time we talked was a week ago when we had class together. We still talked to each other and were friendly but I'm confused on some things.

 

1. We sat next to each other and talked like normal but she did look a little upset.

 

2. I told her her hair looked nice and she said "you don't have to say that."

 

3. We walked out of class together, she went to the bathroom, I asked if she wanted me to wait, and she said to do what I wanted.

 

4. She then told me how she was really sick last night and that she did not sleep well. I then touched her arm and said "sorry." She pulled away and said that I shouldn't do that, and that I don't have the right to do that.

 

5. She proceeded to tell me that she has no food, is broke and can't pay her bills, and that she probably will not eat again until Thursday.

 

6. We went to our next class together and talked about thanksgiving. She said that she went to her neighbors house and got drunk off a bottle of wine. (Her neighbors are a husband, wife, a 14yr old girl, and a 1yr old boy.

 

7. She asked when she could get her stuff from my place. I told her whenever but I am busy so I may not be here when she does. She said that I did not need to be there.

 

8. In our next class we had an exam and she finished a few minutes before I did. I was hoping she would wait for me but when I walked out she was gone and did not wait.

 

9. When I was walking back to my car I saw her driving. She slowed down and rolled her window down to talk. We talked about the test we just had and some other stuff. Before she drove away I rubbed her shoulder and she did not pull away this time.

 

Is any of this a good sign? Is her telling me how broke and hungry she is a cry for help? Should I do something to show her that I care for her (i.e. buy her groceries, take her out to eat, or give her money for bills)? What do I do?

[newinvention]

Need more input - how long together, who broke up with whom?

[Scorpion Fury]

I take it she dumped you? What was her reason?

[jimmajam]

I think it's too early to tell. How long ago did you break up?

 

She still doesn't seem interested in that she told you to "do what you wanted" and didn't wait for you when you waited for her. Her telling you about her problems is probably because she knows you might help her out. I suggest not acting on it. She's probably exaggerating and as much as you care it's not your worry anymore.

[gsxr104]

If you genuinely care about her, then help her any way you can but do it with no strings attatched or expectations. Just because she accepts your help may not necessarily mean that anything will come of it. You're 50/50 at best.

[baker53]

We broke up a little over a week ago and have not talked since last tues. This was the longest we have ever gone without talking. We broke up because she feels that we are more best friends than boyfriend and girlfriend, she doesn't feel that romantic spark anymore, and that I neglected her and did not make her feel special. We were together for 3 years and 2 months as well and I do want to get back together with her.

[Scorpion Fury]

We broke up a little over a week ago and have not talked since last tues. This was the longest we have ever gone without talking. We broke up because she feels that we are more best friends than boyfriend and girlfriend, she doesn't feel that romantic spark anymore, and that I neglected her and did not make her feel special. We were together for 3 years and 2 months as well and I do want to get back together with her.

 

If she broke up with you because she's not into you any more, I would go NC. That's the only way she might miss you. I sure as hell wouldn't buy her any groceries.

[baker53]

I just don't see why she would tell me all that stuff. I was thinking that since one of the reasons we split was because I neglected her, that I should use this opportunity to "save" her and show her that I still care. I would tell her that I am doing this because she is my best friend and hopefully she will be happy that I helped her and it will get the ball rolling again in our relationship. What do you'll think?

[jimmajam]

I just don't see why she would tell me all that stuff. I was thinking that since one of the reasons we split was because I neglected her, that I should use this opportunity to "save" her and show her that I still care. I would tell her that I am doing this because she is my best friend and hopefully she will be happy that I helped her and it will get the ball rolling again in our relationship. What do you'll think?

 

Think if you were in that situation. You may be to proud to ask for help, but if you tell someone that you know cares about you, deep down you probably hope they will help. Don't make something out of nothing, you'll drive yourself crazy. I did it for months.

 

Plus if she wants to "stay friends (bull * * * * )" then of course she'll tell you something like this as a friend. Again, maybe hoping for help without actually asking. I would distance yourself for your own sanity.

[LoveSoDeep]

After 3 years she said she just didn't feel the spark and didn't want to try...personally that sounds like a cop out there has to be another reason deeper than that.

 

I would say be nice to her and be her friend but don't push and don't expect anything more than freindship or you could get hurt. if she's coming by to get her things from your place maybe say something like "hey I know you said you didn't have money for food...so feel free to raid my fridge while you're there i think there some of that ____ you like so please take it." That is what I would do for my best friend if she was broke and hungry and going to be at my place anyway. Then go at her pace. if she says you shouldn't touch her then step back if you push it will just push her further away.

 

And to answer your question...not those aren't good signs...they are actually just the opposite...give her space and they may get better smother her and they will undoubtedly get worse.

[baker53]

OK this is what I did. I left her a an envelope on her care with $20 in it and a note. The note said:

 

"I could not stand the thought of you not eating. Go buy yourself some dinner with this. Everything will get better."

 

I figured it was a completely selfless and nice thing to do. Do you'll think it was a bad idea to do that or not?

[Scorpion Fury]

OK this is what I did. I left her a an envelope on her care with $20 in it and a note. The note said:

 

"I could not stand the thought of you not eating. Go buy yourself some dinner with this. Everything will get better."

 

I figured it was a completely selfless and nice thing to do. Do you'll think it was a bad idea to do that or not?

 

I guess that's not so bad. But don't call her.

[jimmajam]

OK this is what I did. I left her a an envelope on her care with $20 in it and a note. The note said:

 

"I could not stand the thought of you not eating. Go buy yourself some dinner with this. Everything will get better."

 

I figured it was a completely selfless and nice thing to do. Do you'll think it was a bad idea to do that or not?

 

Your heart is in the right place as a human, but I think it was a bad idea. It's awesome to do for a close friend, girlfriend, family member, even a stranger...but not an ex that you still want to get back. When you want her back and she doesn't want you or isn't ready it only hurts you in my opinion. Now she knows that you still have a lot of feelings for her. She knows she can get things from you. Now it's going to be hard for you to tell if she's being sincere or just toying/using you.

[LoveSoDeep]

Your heart is in the right place as a human, but I think it was a bad idea. It's awesome to do for a close friend, girlfriend, family member, even a stranger...but not an ex that you still want to get back. When you want her back and she doesn't want you or isn't ready it only hurts you in my opinion. Now she knows that you still have a lot of feelings for her. She knows she can get things from you. Now it's going to be hard for you to tell if she's being sincere or just toying/using you.

 

You know what....not every one is out to use other people.

 

To the OP if it made you feel good as a person to help her than good for you for doing it! I volunteer at a homeless shelter and I do it b/c it makes ME feel good....who cares if the guys who come in aren't totally homeless or even if they make good money pan-handling and just use the shelters for free food. Doing something nice and slefless for them makes people who volunteer feel better! Okay sorry for the outburst....if this becomes a pattern and she comes to you for more money next week I will happily eat crow and apologize.

 

Now of course you shouldn't expect anything in return for helping her out that's the idea behind selfless acts. So if you truly did this b/c you care for her and want her to have food and you won't be hurt if she doesn't even thank you...then no harm done. Now just try to give her space.

[jimmajam]

I agree, but when there are emotions, feelings, history ... most people don't act like themselves towards the other person. My ex is acting like I had NEVER seen her act before and I was friends with her for 2 years before we dated. Then dated for 2 years. It's common and I'd rather be prepared than do something stupid or get hurt. This was a great gesture as I said, but to an ex he could be used or even hurt more. If he can take it fine, but I doubt he wants any more pain.

[drewciouS281]

dude that was a nice gesture but probably part of the reason she broke up with you. When a girl tells you that your more best friends, its because your either smothering her with being tooo nice and or she just lost the spark because of that. No matter how long a couple is together, there always has to be a bit of that chase especially the man playing the hard to get role. Always! Your being too nice, Your being at her beckon call, she knows she can have you when she wants you and is just giving pity cries. I mean, take a hint when you touched her shoulder and she said you shouldnt do that anymore. If she says that, than agree.

 

Try switching things up with her if you plan on continueing contact (which i highly disagree to do). Treat her like an ex. Dont talk to her, if she talks to you make it very short. Dont be rude, but just short. The money thing was nice but its only showing her more the reason she broke up with you. I know it seems confusing cause you were trying to be nice but in her eyes, this is why your friend material. NEVER EVER CARETAKE FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE, YOU CAN CARE FOR THEM BUT DO NOT CARETAKE FOR THEM!!! DIFFERENCE???

 

CARETAKE = This is when you go out of your way to meet someone elses needs. You put yourself on hold for them. You are at thier beckon call eating thier table scraps from the floor while they eat the lobster. You give and give to them from an empty place in your heart expecting something in return. I call this covert contracts. This will push them away rather than keeping them because it shows that your weak and will do whatever they want. Most women in some ways want to be man handled (not in a perverse way) but in a manly way. They want the man to take charge

 

CARING = This is when you are loving to them and its ok to give them nice gestures or items time and time but not often. This is when you show you care for them but will not be at thier beckon call or do any little favor they ask for. You give them things they need, and not expect anything in return. You give it to them out of pure abundance.

 

EXAMPLE: My girlfriend at one point in our relationship was going through a period of control or trying to atleast. She was sitting right next to me and the chapstick was on the night table next to us. She asked if i could get it for her even though she was just as close to get it. I did, no biggie. Soon after she asks for her drink which she could have easily gotten it herself following with a massage. I told her to stop being so damn lazy and get it herself and as for the massage NO!. Now i didnt say this rudely but enough to the point that she is just trying to see what she can get away with but after i put her in her place she attacked me passionately and we had awesome sex. Now if i got her all that stuff and the massage, would i have gotten anything in return? HELL NO! All those things add up and a woman no longer feels challenged enough to keep in the relationship. Its like walking a dog on a leash at all times. Shes gonna get worn out of giving commands and the dog keep abiding by them. Make sense man? If you want any chance of her back, you need to change!

[OptomisticGirl]

The way she said "you shouldn't do that" or "you don't have to say that" I don't think was good. She could have just been in a bad mood and you doing those nice things reminded her that she doesn't have you... or she could have really meant it.

 

I suggest NC or LC, but keep it short. She wants to be an ex and not be with you, make her realize what that is like. My ex asked me today to pay his credit card bill because he doesnt have internet and I always paid if online and I had to say no. As much as I wanted to help and I knew he had the money, it' snot my job anymore. He kind of knows when its due... but it was a sweet gesture baker.