Does the silent treatment work! or are you just forgotton?

[vckyjam]

Do you think that the no contact rule works? its been 8 days, im trying not to keep looking at my phone etc etc.........and im trying to keep busy, but feel like im a psyco.....(even tho i have not been in touch with him) GRRRRR help

[maninaredstealth]

for the most part i think so but it also depends on how serious you too were and how you guys ended. i was also the same way a month ago and still alittle bit now although she was the one who broke up with me, i have decided not to talk to her anymore. just keep busy is the main part and like ive always said. if you visualize a picture it can and may happen. with you not calling your ex back he may realize with in that time of silence that he does want to work things out. never know though. in the mean time keep busy, go out, even at times sit and think about the situation and what went wrong, why you would want it back. all in all just analyze the whole situation. you cant sit there and ponder the thought that he will come back because he may never, so just imagine the worst case and be prepared for it. read my post it might give some advice but i would also really like your opinion on the matter.

 

its called " ex and i broke up and after 1 week she hooked up with someone" please read it and tell me your opinion. hope i helped.

[abcd1234]

I think it depends on each individual situation and how much the two people cared for each other. If the relationship just wasn't working out because you were not compatible or something, then no-contact isn't of much use.

 

If the relationship was very serious and the couple broke up suddenly and unexpectedly but there are still feelings then no-contact stands a good chance of working well.

 

You have to stick top it for it to work though. Its a test of nerve and endurace, there is always the feeling of wanting to call because it is unusual for them to not be around but you have to fight that urge for it to be successful.

 

abcd1234

[vckyjam]

We loved each other, (well he says he loves me) its been a 2 year relationship but the problem is that it has been long distance! we have called each other /e-mailed and text, most days for the past year and a half and seen each other every 3 months or so, he has just gone back home, i left him at the airport crying his eyes out.....But i dont know what to do, i cant go to live in aus as i cant get a visa, but he could come and live here if he wanted, the thing is he worried about coming here just in case things go wrong......Im so confused, i dont think he knows what he wants in life, Because i thought at some point he would move to be with me, being told that "IM NOT SURE" was a big kick in the teeth for me, so i thought the only way i can get through this is to not to talk to him, Beacsue i dont want to be walked all over, I told him not to contact me. i know i have the right thing, but im scared, But im also a girl with pride, so i know i wont give in........So far he has not called me, i want him to call so much, but then again if he does call and his feelings have not change about coming here, then its gonna take me longer to get through this

[abcd1234]

A person cant pack up and move countries just like that. I think that his concerns are probably reasonable. If you two were to break up while he was here he would be quite stuck, he would be left with nobody.

 

Are there other reasons for this no-contact or is it only that he was unsure about coming to live with you?

 

abcd1234

[asia604]

its been 5 months for me for the no contact thing, and I still haven't heard from ex, (I broke it off because he cheated on me). I would like him to call me, but a part of me just doesn't care anymore. We were even planning to get married.

[vckyjam]

god,seems silly me going on, when you were gonna get hitched!

[kipster]

its been 5 months for me for the no contact thing, and I still haven't heard from ex, (I broke it off because he cheated on me). I would like him to call me, but a part of me just doesn't care anymore. We were even planning to get married.

 

Do you still love him asia? Hell you were going to get married? Why not give him a call, just to see what's going on. Don't let pride get in the way. He cheated, and that's a HUGE NO-NO, but he can't change that. That's something that either has to be dealt with or not dealt with. I know a couple that's been married for 50 years even with infidelity, that remains stable after forgiving and forgetting. I'm not saying I'd be able to look past it personally, infidelity is the #1 cardinal sin for me, but everyone is different and makes mistakes....

[lisaria]

Hey guys,

I don't know if the no contact works or not when it comes to getting back together. It hasn't worked for me and it's been 2 months since the last email. Asia, we were going to be together "forever" too and he also cheated on me. He's still with her as far as I know. I wonder everyday. I think about calling or emailing but so far I've been strong and resisted. After 5 months, is it any easier? There's always the thought in the back of my mind that he's going to contact me because we really were meant to be together and it had never, ever felt so right.

Anyway, does it really work, cuz' I sure don't know.

Lisa

[asia604]

hey kipster

 

yeah we talked about getting married, we pretty much our whole life together planned out, like how many kids we were going to have, where were going to live, what kind of house and furniture we would have. Heck I even picked out my engagement ring and wedding dress. I do love him and still think about him every day, but I can't call him, because every time I have before he would blame me for everything, and I don't want to put myself through that, what really irks me is that he cheated on me, yet why am I the one suffering?

[kipster]

hey kipster

 

yeah we talked about getting married, we pretty much our whole life together planned out, like how many kids we were going to have, where were going to live, what kind of house and furniture we would have. Heck I even picked out my engagement ring and wedding dress. I do love him and still think about him every day, but I can't call him, because every time I have before he would blame me for everything, and I don't want to put myself through that, what really irks me is that he cheated on me, yet why am I the one suffering?

 

I know where your coming from (My EX picked out her ring as well, go figure). But sometimes we blame others for our unhappiness which is what I suspect your EX is doing. He cheated, knew he was wrong, and is somehow trying to expunge his guilt by projecting it on you. I.E., trying to irrationally convince himself that you PUSHED him into doing it, perhaps. I'd say fine, when he accuses me, I'd say your right, "I am the blame for it, I understand you were hurting at the time and you simply had to do what you had to do" in your most soothing tone. Don't fight with him and give his negative energy something to build upon. If you Agree with him sincerely (even though in your head you know what he's saying is a crock) then whom does he have to argue with or to support his negative feelings? Also, he loves you still. No one has their wife to be pick out her own dress, ring, engagement ring, etc., cheats, and then all the sudden is not in love with the other? My EX picked out her ring and although I'm disappointed in her decision to have this split, of course I still love her. That just doesn't go away for us, unless YOU WERE THE ONE THAT CHEATED. THAT'S THE CARDINAL SIN FOR US GUYS. But you didn't. I sense he's just feeling guilty, its eating his A_S alive, and he's simply trying to rationalize it. Don't fight it, go with it knowing full well the Real Deal...

[asia604]

but I just can't he contact me? I do love him, but I just can't forgive him for what he has done, I am very confused.

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

People are all different. The no contact thing could go either way. They may not call but they never forget about you. You made mamories together. I think the longer the chances are they have changed their pattern. And a lot of times we can be left out. The no contact is for you to heal, and for him to miss you.

 

 

Kuhl

 

8)

[asia604]

Hello

 

People are all different. The no contact thing could go either way. They may not call but they never forget about you. You made mamories together. I think the longer the chances are they have changed their pattern. And a lot of times we can be left out. The no contact is for you to heal, and for him to miss you.

 

 

Kuhl

 

8)

 

I am not even sure that he misses me, and if he does then isn't he the one calling?

[princesa]

Dear vckyjam,

 

I was in a long-distance relationship too, and I broke up, because he said he wasn't sure. Actually he said he wasn't sure if he was that madly in love to travel as much as the long distance relationship required, not to mention taking the step to move together in one country. Funny thing is, he wanted to continue...I guess because he too had got used to being so much in contact, to knowing that the other person is out there somewhere missing me. But for me, no matter how much I miss him, what he had to offer just wasn't enough, was it?

I broke up and started the famous no contact-rule. He called once after that, after a week or so, but I said again that there was no point in keeping in touch if that was how he felt. And after that: complete silence, and now it's been a bit more than 5 weeks.

I can tell you that no day has passed that I didn't missed him. He is still my last thought before falling asleep, my first thought when I wake up. I spend my days wondering about what he's doing, where he is. I hate knowing his timetables, I even know the exact time his alarmclock rings every morning and I wake up thousands of kilometers away and wonder whether he heard it.

But what can I do? I can only hope he'll think it over. As you must know, long distance relationships are anyways that difficult and hard, that instead of really expecting a miracle to happen and him changing his mind and preferring our relationship to one he might even have already found where he lives, I'm trying to do my best concentrating on myself and my healing. I've seen friends, worked out, started being creative again, made plans...

This doesn't mean I've lost hope. No, in fact I'm still planning contacting him "in a subtle way" myself on his birthday this month. But I ain't going to beg or tell him how much I miss him, that's not the point and it surely is not going to make him love me.

So my advice for you is that you keep on applying the NC-rule, because begging and discussing isn't going to make him move to England either. Maybe he's already really bored without your daily contact - this is what I hope my ex is experiencing! I know how much it hurts, but believe me, your life goes on, even though you can't help but think about him and hope.

 

take care,

Princesa

[hellokittykitty]

it worked for me - he contacted after 3 days.... but longer than 5 I think it is probably just not going to happen.

[bustertypsy]

it worked for me - he contacted after 3 days.... but longer than 5 I think it is probably just not going to happen.

 

Don't be ridiculous!!!! It takes a hell of a lot longer than 5 days for someone to realise if they made a mistake.Where did you come up with the 5 days????

[AngryHeart]

lol, I'd hope it takes longer than 5 days!

[Pinkbunny]

Don't be ridiculous!!!! It takes a hell of a lot longer than 5 days for someone to realise if they made a mistake.Where did you come up with the 5 days????

 

I agree with this!!!!! Different people take different amounts of time to realize they screwed up.

[JadedStar]

Firstoff if you do NC just to win someone back I find that to be a bit of a game and really don't advise it.

 

As for does it work or do they forget about you that depends 100% on the feelings the person has for you. If they love you then obviously they will miss you and maybe want you back. If they broke up because the spark was gone and they fell out of love then even if the NC makes them curious and they come back why on earth would you want them back?

 

The thing that I think these NC games do that people on here advocate is help a person to get back an ex who really wanted out. They might out of an act of jealousy and curiosity come back, but i can assure you that you both are probably the same people and will fall right back into the same situation and the break up will repeat.

 

If both parties don't undergo a lot of work and changes then getting them back is useless. I mean no disrespect to the ones who adhere to the NC challenge but i think it is a form of game playing and the problem is you might get back a person who is not really into you as you deserve.

[wiser]

The thing that I think these NC games do that people on here advocate is help a person to get back an ex who really wanted out. They might out of an act of jealousy and curiosity come back, but i can assure you that you both are probably the same people and will fall right back into the same situation and the break up will repeat.

 

If both parties don't undergo a lot of work and changes then getting them back is useless. I mean no disrespect to the ones who adhere to the NC challenge but i think it is a form of game playing and the problem is you might get back a person who is not really into you as you deserve.

 

Very well said.

 

I did the NC thing with my stbxw...we split up for a few months and then we reconciled. We did try counseling for a while. Long story short...we had a "second honeymoon" when we first got back together, everything was amazing. But the underlying issues were never resolved and we were right back at it a few months later. I moved out shortly thereafter, for the last time.

 

No contact is not the answer for a troubled relationship.

 

P.S. This thread is titled "silent treatment". That's something else. That's passive-aggressive behavior and is done to manipulate the person with whom you are in daily contact with.

[AngryHeart]

^LOL, love the avatar. Sorrry, just had to say that.

 

But back on topic - NC is a different thing to "silent treatment" NC is meant ot be used to heal yourself. If you're not in a place to be friends than NC is the best way to go. If you're constantly talking to your ex you won't move forward. But the silent treatment, like "wiser" says, is a different thing.

 

NC isn't a sure way to get your ex back. The harsh reality is, you may not ever. Fact of life! BUT if there is anything that will get them back it's likely to be it. Why? because you are giving your ex space, time to miss you, and time to think the whole situation through. If you're always in their face they aren't going to have that time. It will push them away further. But it is also true that just because NC might attract your ec back to you - it won't get rid of the problems that caused the break-up in the first place. thereforeeee another break-up is VERY likely to ocurre. The key is to work on yourself during this NC phrase so that IF you do get back together, there is more chance of it working out this time. But a relationship takes two people, so the ex would also have to work at their issues.

 

Getting back together takes a lot of hard work that shouldn't be rushed. I made that mistake before with my ex, when neither of us had changed ENOUGH to be successful. But I wanted it so bad that I convinced myself we had. We hadn't. I wasn't changed enough, and he hardly even recognised his flaws.

 

NC is a win-win situation because if it doesn't get your ex back - it will help to heal you faster. You can't really go wrong. BUT it is so hard. I'm only on day 6, but this site has helped so much. The people here are so supportive, and it's made me a lot wiser.