LETS STAY FRIENDS......is it superficial???

[barwench]

My ex and I broke up about 6 months ago on good terms.....he needed to deal with some stuff from his past that I can not help him with. There is still a longing to be close on both parts but thats a different story.

My point to this is....we promised we would always remain great friends. We had a great relationship....a bond that will probably always be there but when 2 people are friends then they should be able to talk and hang out ....when I appoached this the other day with him.....he said "Wouldn't it hurt to much?"

He means alot to me and I don't want to lose him out of my life but if we can't even have a coffee together without the hurt being there then how can we maintain a friendship????

we can talk on the phone but its very safe conversation...."hows work? school? kids? parents?" the fact that is all superficial is what hurts me! We use to talk about everything...now its gone.

How do I handle this??? I'm scared of losing this wonderful person out of my life??

[JonnyG]

I kinda feel the same. My ex left me to go bac to her ex (altho they planned to get bac together at some stage n e way, i got caught in the middle of their break unfortunately). She says that if it wasent for him, she would def b with me and that she was sorry.

 

N e ways, she said she wanted to remain friends. But unfortunately its difficult. I mean, i want to b more than friends, but know i can't hav that, at least not at this stage. I don't know if i would prefer to b a friend and thats it or giv up, because i miss her so much. It could b uncomfortable to meet up again, altho i reackon i would b able to just hav a day as friends and b fine. Im thinking of asking her after my exams are finished if she would like to go for a coffee just as friends (assuming she is still with him), but i will understand if she says "no".

 

Like u said tho, if ur friends, why can't u c each other still, just not in an intimate way?

 

As pathetic as it may sound, the thought of not ever seeing her again is still pretty hard for me to take.

[dave1977]

This is a really tough thing to deal with or have the right answer for. I myself met this great girl. It is a little different that you but I am going through the same thought process. I liked her very much and told her. With her current circumstances we agreed to be just friends. It tore me up inside, but we continued to talk occasionally and e-mail each other frequently. But, as hard as it is for me to do, I think that the only real way to get over it is not to be with her. Many relationships end with "still being friends", but how awful would it be to tell someone that you can't be their friend anymore. No one wants to say that. But sometimes not talking and not seeing them and keeping busy and meeting other people is the only way you can stop the hurt. That doesn't mean you can ever see them again, but it gives your body a chance to reset and move on. Everyday I thought about this girl. It got to the point where I couldn't concentrate at work and I had a terrible time sleeping at night. I had to tell her how much it hurt me to not be able to be with. And not to take it personal, but i needed to "go away" for a while. That was the hardest thing I have ever done because i know she was hurt too. It was only temporary, but it helped me regain piece of mind. I don't know if I am making any sense at all, but I am in better shape over the last month because of it.

[tiger_lilies]

Perhaps you haven't given this enough time yet? If you were truly friends, then you should be able to see him date someone else and not feel any jelously over it. The reason why it hurts so much is because you are probably still wanting to be more than friends. You haven't given yourself enough time to heal completely yet.

 

I know that you don't want to lose this guy from your life, but maybe time apart is what you really need. If he is honest about wanting to be friends with you, he should understand that you need to be apart from him for a while and most importantly, he will be there waiting when you are finished with your healing.

 

Friends are always there for you, no matter how much time you've been away.

[barwench]

hey Dave

I'm happy to hear that your doing better with dealing with it.

My ex and I talk about once every 2 weeks if that.....its like a check in I guess....but what I was trying to get at is at what point can 2 people who care about one another be able to sit accross from each other and be comfortable??? It was his choice to break the relationship 6 months ago and still it would hurt to much to have a coffee or hang out for an hour??

It hurts me by him saying that. Like I said I stil want him to be a part of my life. We shared so much...now we can't even have a face to face conversation.

I'm sure time will tell....but in the meantime I want my bestfriend back even if I can't have the lover!

[barwench]

Tiger Lilies

That would make sense if I was the one saying it would hurt to much....but it was him. I do miss him but I miss our friendship more.

As for the daing thing.....he doesn't want a g/f right now...that was the whole thing....was married b4 me wanted to know how to do it alone...find himself! Like I said it was a good respctable breakup.

I just wish he could still talk to me like he use to!

Thanks for reading!

 

[LordWeymont]

It really hurts to break up. For both sides, the breakup is usually tough and hard on emotions. As a firm believer in the no-contact rule, I could not help but to recommend it wholeheartedly. I have been through a rough breakup recently and know the feeling of wanting to reach out. Because when one thinks about it, we're not losing just a lover, but also a best friend we confide our feelings and thoughts. In almost bizarre reasoning state of mind, our relationship is a drug. When we lose that drug, we have to go cold turkey. Ask a drug addict how it feels to go cold turkey. Of course, I am simplifying a break up. As many would attest, jumping into a friendship after a break up is simply not possible in the short term. If even one person feels more for the other, the frienship cannot work in the beginning. I really believe this is a concrete rule of breaking up. There are those who disagree and I respect that, however; the rule exists for a reason. These so-called golden rules are put forth by those have 'been there and done that' for a reason.

 

Gawd, wish it were simple.

 

 

Out. CW

[saren]

I think I know the feeling.

 

I fell in love with a guy who I was friends with. In the beginning of our friendship, we were very open and talked about everything. I trusted him more than anyone else in the world. But I started to like him and hid it from him, because I thought I wouldn't stand a chance, and he'd freak out.

 

He eventually figured it out before I told him (which I learned later), and his behavior changed. He started ignoring me if he saw me in public and I went up to say hi. Then, right after, would message up my computer on MSN all friendly and talkative, as I return home, feeling dejected, to these messages.

 

He asked, so I told him my feelings for him. He acted like everything was alright. I had to tell him on MSN because, over time, he stopped offering to spend time with me in person, so I had no other means of communicating, since he only answered my calls when I called from a phone he didn't recognize the mumber of on his call display. Some friend.

 

He then took to standing me up every time he agreed to go out somewhere with me. Everytime, I'd get so excited, because I liked this guy more than anyone I'd ever known, and would take the train home crying at the end of the night when I'd given up on waiting for him. Then I'd ask on MSN what happened, and he's say "I fell asleep", or "I don't know, I can't remember".

 

The last time I allowed this to happen, I come home after waiting for his no-show, because he decided to go rollerblading with his friend. He sends me a message on MSN saying "So, are you mad at me?" and said he wrote me a letter, and then promptly signed off.

 

The letter said that he knew I liked him more than friends, and that he didn't feel the same way, and that was why he was avoiding me. He said that I was a really good friend whom he missed hanging out with, and that he wants that back. Hopes I'm not too mad.

 

I didn't feel a thing. Yet. So I wrote a gracious letter in return.

 

But the poor treatment I received had really bothered me. I was sick of someone who considered me a "friend" to only be able to deal with me through the medium of MSN. I found soon after that he had a new girlfriend as well. He didn't tell me, I found out in one of those forwarded quiz things, and figured it out when I saw the same name in answers about 10 times or so.

 

He was totally obsessed with her when I talked to him. Together every day. Expensive restaurants. Hockey games. Always had to cut me off to go pick her up, or leave the computer mid-conversation on MSN for half an hour without telling me was walking away when I was talking to him, because the phone rang.

 

It both disgusted me and riddled me with jealousy at the same time, and I racked my brain wondering why I wasn't enough. What part of me was deficient that I didn't shine enough to catch his eye for all my efforts. If I wasn't thin enough, smart enough, ambitious enough, athletic enough. I felt like the most deficient human being on the face of the Earth.

 

I told him that I preferred to talk in person, and I wanted to see him. He was immediately hesitant because he was afraid of an "umpleasant situation". I just told him he'd better show up. I was prepared to never speak to him again if I meant so little to him to not show up one more time. I met him and I asked him why he was behaving the way he did. What was bothering him. What could I do for him to make him not scared of me anymore. I told him how much he hurt me. He said not to take it personally, that this was just how he deals with people. Awkwardly, and with avoidance, to try to keep from hurting feelings. I explains that that hurts people more, because it erodes trust. I told him that he has been a poor friend and that I don't deserve to be treated this way. He agreed with everything I said, but said nothing more. I think he just took it all upon himself. But he didn't even look me in the eye. He sat, arms crossed around chest, looking under full emotional attack. Head down. Eyes darting. I told him he looked like he was in a bad job interview. He kept repeating that that's how he deals with people. And then his little girlfriend called and he had to leave to meet her, and said "I'll see you around on MSN"

 

He went right back to the same small talk junk on MSN when he messaged me up a few weeks later. I hadn't bothered to speak with him, except a brief line of wished luck on exams. His MSNing me made me feel sad for some reason I couldn't determine. Same superficial crap. I felt bummed out for the rest of the day, and his computer disconnected, cutting him off. THREE DAYS LATER, he emails me apologizing for that, says I'll talk to you soon, and said we should get together soon, hopefully on better terms than last time.

 

I talked to him regarding what we had spoken about in person. He said MSN alleviates the awkward feeling, and to believe him when he says he's not upset with me, and that all that stuff with us was resolved. He said that, even though the way he went about it was twisted, he did all this not to hurt me and had my best interests in mind.

 

I didn't feel resolved.

I didn't want him to know how much I cry over him.

I didn't want him to know how much he hurt me. What good would it possibly do?

 

Depending on where I am on the wavelength, I can be either "Pfft, I don't deserve to be treated like that, screw THAT guy!" or "Why am I so unwantable to the only person in the world I see?" ... I'm upset at his seeing this chick, but I have no desire to go hang out with him. I'm hurt and angry.

 

We never dated, but I feel the loss of a major breakup. I don't want to talk to him, so I block him most of the time on MSN. I unblock for a while when I'm at work, so that he doesn't think he's blocked. I then consider him in comparison to my other male friends, and how they treat me. I want this man more than anything else in the world, but obviously I wasn't good enough for him. Or he wasn't good enough for me. I think about my friends, whom I trust and can talk to, and they don't treat me like he ended up treating me (he never did when we were new friends)

 

He'll eventually notice that he's damaged a friend who wanted nothing more than to hold him, and ask me why I'm not talking to him. I'll have to tell him, that even though it's been three months since that letter, I'm still hurting, and that he's been really mean to me, and that I don't have room for such cruel people who have the nerve to wear the title 'friend' in my life or heart. I miss my friend, but I feel sad when I talk to him, because he's been so long associated with sad feelings from being blown off all the time, and never having my calls answered when I needed someone there to talk to.

 

I doubt he'll even notice, though, because he's so caught up with that stupid girl. He only talks to me on when he needs some entertainment when he's writing an essay. Course he says it's only due to the convenience of MSN.

 

I don't think a friend is someone who you sit accross a table from wishing you could run, or someone who makes you cry just by MSNing you. I'm not sure if our friendship CAN come back, now that he's destroyed my belief in his actually caring about me at all (due to how he treated me)

 

So I don't talk to him, so I can try to focus on moving on after spending a year and a half trying to catch his eye. I'm trying to find a way to not dwell on it and analyse it and think about him all the time, when chances are, he's not thinking about me for a second. Naw, of course not, off with that stupid girl. I've started casually seeing someone, but I'm not feeling all that smitten.

 

I keep trying to tell myself I deserve better than that.

That he fell short of ME, and not the other way around like I felt.

That he's not a true friend if all he does is make me cry, and make no attempt to better it.

 

None of my other friends have made me cry as much as he has.

I just don't know what to do to move on, because I'm still obsessing and dwelling over it and it just brings me down. I don't know what to do...

 

Secretly, I hope he'll come to me someday, but in all honesty, only when he grows up. And I told him that when he grows up, to give me a call. He didn't get it.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just tired of being so sad.