Texas2004 Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 My girlfriend broke up with me about 2.5 weeks ago due to commitment issues on my part - she's 32 now and really wants to get married and have kids and I'm not there yet. We were together for about 15 months. I know I wasn't totally happy either because I'm not ready. The split was very amicable. Well, we've had a little separation but are talking again, trying to be just friends. She says shes ok with this but she made it clear that she doesn't want to go back to being together (because it just wasn't working). I'm ok with this and do want her in my life as a friend. However, my heart aches thinking about her being with other guys and no longer with me. It really makes me question - does this much pain signify that she is the one for me? Or am I just upset that I can't have her anymore? I'm just so confused and in so much pain. Any thoughts? I know that I don't want to go back to the way things were, I'm just wondering if this proves that I should be committed to her? Link to comment
greeneyes111 Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 You know they always say you want what you cant have. Maybe its just jealousy on your part that someone else will be with her when your not, and not so much that you want her. I think you need to consider if you think you will be better of with someone else in the long term... as the short term mostly when you break up with someone you of course dont like to think of them touching or being with someone else. But that normally goes. If you believe your relationship was not worth it and you said you both agree it could just be that, a thought. If you dont miss her because of other details or of what you had and only worried she may be with someone else i would think you were better of not together. As surely you both deserve to meet someone that you have a happy relationship with. Link to comment
karvala Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 It really makes me question - does this much pain signify that she is the one for me? Or am I just upset that I can't have her anymore? The latter. This is why so many people yo-yo in their relationships, and have that "can't live with, can't live without" dynamic. Any new found sense of commitment the breakup gives you will soon evaporate once your slippers are back under the table. It would be best for both of you not to go there. Link to comment
honestly4u Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 I'm confused Are you saying that if she did not want marriage & kids you would still be together?? Link to comment
Texas2004 Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 She wants to take the relationship to the next level, and I'm just not there yet. I love her dearly and want to be with her, but I can't give her what she needs. Therefore, it is not fair for us to stay in this if we can't make that work. My point is that I don't want to go back to the way it was, where neither person was really happy. I'm trying to determine with my current pain if it shows that I need to get over my commitment issues and realize I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I need to say that I don't feel my issues are with her. There was no cheating, yelling, abuse, anything like that. It is just that I am still wanting to be on my own for a while and I'm not wanting kids yet. And I know she doesn't want to wait on me for when I am. Maybe that's not fair of her but I'm ok with that. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 So, if you had been together for longer, you might have been willing to consider marriage and kids? Are you saying that she was rushing you or that you didn't want these things with HER at all? Link to comment
gsxr104 Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 I was thinking..... she would love you if you wanted to get married and have kids, but if you didn't, then she doesn't love you? Link to comment
Texas2004 Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 Shuttlefish - you are right that is a personal ego issue. I need to get over that. Ms. Darcy - the answer is absolutely yes. I know I want to get married and kids some day, I'm just not there yet. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Ms. Darcy - the answer is absolutely yes. I know I want to get married and kids some day, I'm just not there yet. The unfortunate part of this is that I kind of agree with you on this one. I personally don't believe a year and 3 months is long enough to figure out if you want to marry someone. I like 2-3 years. If she cannot be happy with a longer timeline, then it looks like you two are not compatible. I'm really sorry about this one because I think the best remedy in this case is a little more patience on her part and an earnest effort to explore the idea of marriage on yours. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 This is natural, and that's why a solid period of being apart is probably a good idea before attempting to resume a friendship. Lots of people who break up know that it's for the best--that doesn't imply that the human ego is equipped to want someone else to step in, especially so soon. Link to comment
Texas2004 Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 I'm just really torn on it...my gut tells me that I want her in my life no matter what, however, I'm just not sure how to deal with it if she gets a new boyfriend. I very well might not be able to deal with it and half to end all contact. I guess that is something to cross when we get there. Link to comment
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