ocman Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 I hope this is the right forum for this question, I will keep it brief and to the point. Met this amazing woman 4 months ago and have been with her everyday since. We are both divorced, my kids are grown, she had a 9 & 15 yr old. We are in totally in love, but she was engaged to someone that she saw for 3 years. That was over in Jan 2009. He was still calling, texting, emailing etc and she told me that bugged her, but I didn't say anything. He came over to her house about 3 months ago and physcially abused her (grabbed her) then left. She called me crying etc. told me she would put a restraining order on him, but never did. 2 months ago she told me she can't be friends with him because she would probably go back with him, I'm like W T F ? For the past 2 months she said she hasn't had any conact with him (i told her I expect him to call, but it's up to her to put him in check). She left her email open on my computer and I read it and I see that they've had contact (he came by her work and brought her dinner, fixed her car etc.). I confronted her and she told me she lied, I was devasted. Then 2 weeks ago I found out that she lied about having contact with him again. I love her and want to marry her (i know it's only been 4 months), but I have immense anxiety and trust issues. How can I overcome these issues? Any suggestions? thanks Link to comment
Theblueman123 Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 She isn't ready for a relationship, you may want to marry her but she doesn't want to marry you. Her heart still belongs to her ex, and until she changes it will always be that way. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 She's a liar......You have every right to feel the way you feel. Personally, I would be extremely cautious if you continue the relationship with her as I'm inclined to believe that she is going to tear your heart out. There is something wrong with a woman that is fearful of a man but continues to have ongoing contact with him. Link to comment
ocman Posted October 24, 2009 Author Share Posted October 24, 2009 She isn't ready for a relationship, you may want to marry her but she doesn't want to marry you. Her heart still belongs to her ex, and until she changes it will always be that way. She says she wants to get married, but I told her that I need to know that she is 100% over him. I'm like, if you want him then be with him. She says there is absolutely no physical contact with him which I believe. Link to comment
DadaJones Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 He's got a hold on her. She has some issues herself...there will be alot of drama with her... ...she is putting you in a very, very bad situation. You guys were going out and he got violent with her and while its up to her to handle her business that guy knows he can walk in on your life at anytime and impose his will on her. All or nothing...lay it on the line...me, i'd walk. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 She says she wants to get married, but I told her that I need to know that she is 100% over him. I'm like, if you want him then be with him. She says there is absolutely no physical contact with him which I believe. There may be no physical contact but she is still very much emotionally attached to the other guy. That doesn't leave her a lot of room to be attached to you. Link to comment
honestly4u Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 I think you better slow way down. If you marry her...do you think this is all going to stop? I'd bet not. She has unfinished business with the other guy and if I were you I'd hit the brakes...hard! You've only been together 4 mo's...WAY to soon to be thinking of marriage. Give it some time and see how it plays out. I'd keep my eyes wide open because the clues (of problems) are already there. Be carefull or you could be setting yourself up for alot of heartache. Link to comment
gsxr104 Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Trust me you don't wanty to marry someone you can't trust. Thereare going to be way more chalanging circumstances and you need to have a solid foundation of trust in order for it to survive. Link to comment
ocman Posted October 24, 2009 Author Share Posted October 24, 2009 You guys were going out and he got violent with her and while its up to her to handle her business that guy knows he can walk in on your life at anytime and impose his will on her. That's what I'm afraid of, that he will catch her off guard and boom. Link to comment
ocman Posted October 24, 2009 Author Share Posted October 24, 2009 You've only been together 4 mo's...WAY to soon to be thinking of marriage. Give it some time and see how it plays out. We were talking about moving in, but I think I may move somewhere by myself for the time being. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 We were talking about moving in, but I think I may move somewhere by myself for the time being. Ohhh no.......Co-habitating would not be a wise idea at the moment. Link to comment
honestly4u Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 We were talking about moving in, but I think I may move somewhere by myself for the time being. That's probably a good idea. Like I mentioned before, you need to take a back seat here and just watch how things play out. I have a feeling (from what you explained) that the drama surrounding her is just starting to surface. Be an avid observer of sorts. Link to comment
lady00 Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 How has she responded? How has she tried to get you to trust her again? It sounds like she has lied to you on more than one occasion about something pretty important. If it were me, after 4 months, I'd next the person. I understand you are very attached to her, but has she done anything to make you believe that she is willing to permanently change her behavior and cut off contact with the other guy? If not, this relationship is going to be constantly threatened. Link to comment
RougeKali823 Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 You are her go to guy and unfortunately it doesn't seem like she has any sincere feelings for you. I think you should keep your distance. Link to comment
ocman Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 How has she responded? How has she tried to get you to trust her again? She has blocked his number from her phone and says he hasn't contacted her in any way. When I tell her that, that was a huge setback for me, but I'm not 100% sure (maybe 95%) that she is over him, she gets very annoyed by it. Link to comment
lady00 Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 I'm not 100% sure (maybe 95%) that she is over him, . What leads you to this conclusion? 95% sure she is over him is pretty high and seems to me to fly in the face of her behavior with regard to him. If she was in contact with him as recently as two weeks ago, and has lied to you about it over a fairly significant period of time, odds are she is not over him. Link to comment
ocman Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 What leads you to this conclusion? 95% sure she is over him is pretty high and seems to me to fly in the face of her behavior with regard to him. Her attitude about the issue seems totally different now. 2 weeks ago he left her a message, that was it. Last week her 15 year old daughter and her friend went to disneyland, he gave them free tickets, (he works there), her mom was livid. Link to comment
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