Why is every girl I find myself falling for have a mental disorder?

[Psychomagnet]

I don't know how to deal with this. every girl I approach who is nearly 100% my type, always has some form of mental disorder, almost always Borderline Personality Disorder. She'll like the same type of music, appreciate my intellect, and will have similiar interests, even be my physical ideal...but she'll be a BPD girl.

 

why does this always happen to me? I get sick of it, I want to find a girl who can instill those exact feelings into me, but without her being a BPD case (or not displaying the symptoms)- my god I want that too

 

Is there something I'm doing wrong? is it all me? why does this always happen, that every female I meet and am REALLY attracted to has a mental disorder? I know you don't know, but maybe you guys have some insights. thanks.

 

I didn't set out to necro this thread but I just saw it and it rings so true in my life that it's flippin scary.

 

In my case it isn't the ones I approach, those always go nowhere, it's the one's who approach and show the most interest in me.

In EVERY case, they have been too perfect, the whole nine...everything I've wanted and then some and everything is mutual and wonderful.

Shortly thereafter they show me the crazy and I always think "ok good so far I'm in there, FINALLY!! I've been waiting for...uh what? wait..omg what?! no not you too...ffs! Why YOU? why couldn't it be someone I'm totally not into??" - still doing this a week later

 

Case in point the most recent one. I can't remember anyone I've met hitting every match with me as she did, my very definition of perfect.

The night before she dropped me via text..of course...she tells me she is on anti-depressants and people have called her bipolar, attention seeking, hot/cold, flaky and a host of other things that are immense red flags. Then proves it the next day by saying the exact opposite of every romantic thing she said the previous night.

 

I would wager that it's part of the reason they are so hard to get over and do the most damage, the perfection is carefully worked on to mask the disorders.

Sad..very sad, but in my experience it hasn't been 1 in 4 having the BPD/NPD/etc...it's been 1 in 2.

[Sirenia]

Could it be one of your parents is like this? We are often attracted to people who remind us of our parents...

[quirky]

I think it's because a lot of 'troubled' people are also more honest and vulnerable, touched by life, the good and bad. In a way they are like life itself with all its contradictions, not very regulated and filtered. And there is a rawness there that is appealing. Usually it makes other people feel alive, excitement is contagious.

 

Movies have also played a huge part in perpetuating that turbulent romance ideal where we associate this as love.

[Psychomagnet]

Could it be one of your parents is like this? We are often attracted to people who remind us of our parents...

 

You know that is a possibility. My mother battled manic depression until they got her med balance right. So it may be that people with varying disorders feel more familiar aka comfortable on a subconscious level. Interesting.

[Psychomagnet]

I think it's because a lot of 'troubled' people are also more honest and vulnerable, touched by life, the good and bad. In a way they are like life itself with all its contradictions, not very regulated and filtered. And there is a rawness there that is appealing. Usually it makes other people feel alive, excitement is contagious.

 

Movies have also played a huge part in perpetuating that turbulent romance ideal where we associate this as love.

 

This may also hold a lot of truth to it. Could be a host of factors that you never see going on but internally it appeals to you in a weird kind of way. The mind and emotions being as complex as they are

[Fudgie]

My boyfriend seemed to attract BPD-types (both romantic interests and friends) for a while. I think it was because of his f'd up upbringing...he had a different sense of "normal". Now he has realized this and now doesn't associate with people who have BPD and bipolar disorder. He has learned on his own how to "sniff these people out" and avoid. I myself was the same way (with friends only) but now I can detect who is manipulative and messed up and I just avoid from the start. My life is a lot better.

 

You need to make a conscious choice to not get close to these people as soon as you find out that they have these disorders. It's the only way to break the pattern.

 

I think it's also helpful to think and see what mental disorders you can "deal with". For me, I am find being with someone who has anxiety or depression as long as they are treated. I have depression and generalized anxiety but I am treated and feel fine. I would date someone who has treated PTSD, someone with issues from childhood, people who have been abused in the past, etc. I will not date someone who has BPD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia (regardless of treatment, been there, done that, no), currently psychotic, current self-mutilation/hair pullers/hair eaters, current eating disorders, or transgenders. I may get crap for this but I don't really care. I know what I can reasonably deal with in terms of a mental disorder in a partner. Why bother with people that you know you will probably be miserable with?

 

Only you can break the pattern here.

[Psychomagnet]

Well unfortunately they don't come out with the behavior initially (usually after a few months), they like to wait a little before pulling the 180. Oh I DID bounce on this last one abruptly the second it all landed but I realize I need to be more proactive and jump ship a lot sooner.

I am just curious as to what attracts them to me as I am sure the OP is/was also. I don't wear a sign or anything that says "easy target" lol.

[Fudgie]

I think it is more about your personality/upbringing. If you have a lot of empathy, you'll usually project that. And mentally-ill unstable people who need someone to "feed off" of will flock to you. It's all about what you project to others.

 

Now, I don't suggest trying to be less empathetic or anything, but rather, just learn to spot them more quickly.

 

I think a few months is actually a bit long. That may be when you actually realize that they are messed up. But there ARE signs before then, harder to spot, but they are there. You shouldn't have to wait for things to become drastic or dramatic in order to see that there is a problem.

 

Here are some that have are "red flags" to me....not necessarily completely condemning but still pretty eye-opening:

 

1) Long-term inability to stay in long-term relationships.

 

2) Rampant promiscuity, especially when it's a way to "cope" with life or to fill a void, or to feel loved.

 

3) Drama-prone wherever they go

 

4) Manipulation of you or other people (Can be hard to detect, keep your eyes/ears OPEN)

 

5) Lying over important stuff for no good reason and/or to actually screw you over, NOT out of a need for privacy

 

6) UNSTABLE. Financial, emotionally, job prospects, etc.

 

7) "All of my exes are CRAZY." Yeah, right.

 

8) Stealing, even small things

 

9) Overwhelming negative reputation everywhere for being psychotic/crazy. Gossip/rumors hurt, yes, but I find that it takes a "special" sort of messed up person to be avoided or disliked nearly everywhere for simply making others feel uncomfortable or bad. We as humans react to someone in a negative way when we feel that they are "off". This is a sign.

 

10) Acting impulsively frequently. Do not confuse this with being spontaneous. A responsible adult can go out spontaneously for an event or even a small weekend trip. An impulsive person makes quick, rash choices that are not light ones, may spend money quickly and poorly, and basically has their life impacted negatively because they can't think things out.

 

11) Emotional immaturity.

 

12) Outbursts of sudden emotion....anger, sadness, happiness without real reason or explanation. If their emotions change on a dime all the time without reason and they are having mood swings like crazy, then they are probably unstable.

[Ayanokōji]

Instead of asking why you attract women with mental disorders you should instead ask how BPD is ruining the relationships with these women.

[quirky]

Well unfortunately they don't come out with the behavior initially (usually after a few months), they like to wait a little before pulling the 180. Oh I DID bounce on this last one abruptly the second it all landed but I realize I need to be more proactive and jump ship a lot sooner.

I am just curious as to what attracts them to me as I am sure the OP is/was also. I don't wear a sign or anything that says "easy target" lol.

 

I think it's the comment that an older poster made

 

Girls with disorders (which cause them to be lonely bc they scare off men) painful pasts, or things that make them crazy all have a high need and desire for a deep, intimate relationship. Because of this, they want a serious relationship, and thus are attracted to things like intelligence, depth, warmth, genuine honesty, and a guy that can make them feel a certain way.

 

All the non-messed up girls are LESS attracted to these things, because tehy do not want to settle down yet and instead enjoy "playing the field", "playing the game" or for whatever reason are more attracted to shallow traits that are more likely to conclude with a TEMPORARY relationship that is FUN as opposed to traits which appear less attractive because they foreshadow a long-lasting serious relationship that is full of LOVE.

 

 

Maybe it's not disorders, just being a bit messed up and immature. I might get flamed for this but a lot of the times a girl that is fun and a bit off the wall appeals to a man because she is not that 'serious' and 'heavy' and wanting 'commitmen't..she cannot be pinned down so easily and that makes him feel he's got a challenge.

[Psychomagnet]

I'm saving this list, thank you

It's going to come in handy I think in the future. Looks like I need to check what I project to and hold back a lot more. My empathy gets me into trouble it seems. As in I think it makes me understanding or overlooking things when I should be running.

[Psychomagnet]

I think it's the comment that an older poster made

 

 

 

 

Maybe it's not disorders, just being a bit messed up and immature. I might get flamed for this but a lot of the times a girl that is fun and a bit off the wall appeals to a man because she is not that 'serious' and 'heavy' and wanting 'commitmen't..she cannot be pinned down so easily and that makes him feel he's got a challenge.

 

This one is a big eye opener to me as well. I think you may be more right than you know of. I also agree that a woman that isn't so "heavy/serious" is very fun to be around (at least for me) and this last one was amazing fun until the drama.

I think that also ties in with why it sucks so much when they turn out this way and why it's painful to walk from them. They are attracted to the intelligence, creativity, depth, warmth, genuine honesty etc thus they get involved with those part of you and do a lot to make you feel amazing about yourself so much more so than a super serious woman who is rather "meh" about you.

[happpybear]

i also attract unusual types, most of my friends have mental illnesses, some of my previous BF's had depression anxiety issues, also controlling and game-playing,

 

Anyway, i used to attract weirdo's randomly in public, at bus stops, train stations, etc It was exhausting and disconcerting to say the least. i have an open face, and am very expressive with my features (i would be a terrible poker player), i am also very empathetic.

 

a couple years ago, i was in a bus shelter and a crazy woman came to chat with me, she was nuts. after she left, I exchanged glances with an elderly woman (who had watched this all happen), all she said to me was "you have a healing spirit, that's why she came to you"

 

Since then i have come to realize that messed up people will gravitate toward those they sense can help them or understand them. If you are empathetic, they will find you. My messed up friends consider me their therapist, i am glad to help, but at times it gets emotionally draining because they can never help me in return because they don't know how.

it was the same with my exes, i was tired of always being the giver.

 

Check your own behavior, are you too giving, a people pleaser? not saying you should stop, but you have to make boundaries. When i am out in public now, i don't make eye contact anymore, i try to look distracted, and i have not attracted any crazy random people in quite some time.

 

also with dating, I think there are a lot of messed up people out there, so it is unavoidable, but you gotta jump ship as soon as you start seeing any of those red flags posted above. For me, the early warning signs that are easy to suss out early are how much a person drinks and how often, how they behave when drunk, and stories of reckless behavior (especially sexually) and if they partake in any hobbies that are risky or dependance forming (gambling, extreme sports). these are signs that (may) be harmless, but things i mentally hold on to, and can be found out early in the dating process (like three dates or less), they let me know whether i should end it, or just keep my eyes wide open but continue.

[Psychomagnet]

I agree, you make good points here.

I used to be too much of a pleaser and too giving. Years ago after getting used and tossed I curbed that quite a bit. It has not reduced the number of bpd types that come my way but significantly reduced the amount of time I spend dealing with them so that's a positive at least.

I try my best to hold my boundaries and am very proud of myself for walking away when I did, even if it was a tad later than I should've, I didn't let it drag out 6 months whereas before I have let it go on years.

One thing that rings SO true in what you said is by evidence, ALL and I mean ALL of them (especially this last one) tried to keep me around to act as a therapist after things ended. Not a friend in any sense (because they knew from day one that I will never accept that) but an actual therapist where I'd get to hear all their drama and get nothing in return. This last one even said "you're someone I feel I can trust and be close to" two seconds after telling me we can't be a couple.---Irony is she is an actual psychologist (go figure).

 

Perhaps people like us SHOULD pursue a career in psychology, that way when we date we can say "I'm only a therapist on the clock"

[happpybear]

Perhaps people like us SHOULD pursue a career in psychology, that way when we date we can say "I'm only a therapist on the clock"

 

i have had many troubled people tell me to become a therapist or counselor, and i have helped many friends more than there own therapists, but i don't want to do this for a living, it would too mentally and emotionaly exhausting for me. I would have a hard time disengaging.

 

ALL and I mean ALL of them (especially this last one) tried to keep me around to act as a therapist after things ended. Not a friend in any sense (because they knew from day one that I will never accept that) but an actual therapist where I'd get to hear all their drama and get nothing in return. This last one even said "you're someone I feel I can trust and be close to" two seconds after telling me we can't be a couple.---Irony is she is an actual psychologist (go figure).

 

this is what i mean by boundaries, because essentially these people are totally using us. you have to be able to say no. i have one friend whom i only hear from when she is having problems. when i have something to talk about she never answers her phone and calls me back days or weeks later. she is absolutely not there for me at all when i need her. but i have known her for so long that she is a sister to me. she is also depressed, and depressed people are so self-absorbded that i am pretty sure she has no idea that she is using me, i have adjusted my expectations accordingly, but i cant cut her off. there are others who i have had to cut off completely because they were such downers and anything i did to help would go on deaf ears and they would keep repeating patterns, i had to cut it off for my own peace of mind. but i think that is ok.

[quirky]

If you are empathetic, they will find you.

 

so funny ! !

 

I have a few things to add to the topic. First off..I was one of those messed up girls myself. Not all the traits but quite a few of them, no stealing or bad rep. I used to date quiet, shy, intelligent and caring guys. The guys that dated me all had low self esteem, like I did. They liked drama too and my craziness made them feel alive. Guys felt free to cry around me, one had sexual problems until we got together..my energy was somewhat encouraging them to open up and let go. That was then forming co-dependency. In a way I felt very much like the messed up person but in most of my relationships both ex boyfriends and friends have told me how much I inspired them. Maybe because I would always encourage people to follow their dreams, maybe because I was so vulnerable to life that it helped others reach their deepest part..I don't know. But people actually even thanked me years later. Back then I was almost a megalomaniac, I was so arrogant, believed I was chosen or something but was also incredibly fragile, I wasn't lying about anything, I was just totally overwhelmed by life.

 

The irony here is that there is a big part of me that is the giver, my myers-briggs type nowadays is that, the caregiver. I also attract weird people but I don't mind it as much, I don't feel mega ordinary myself. I don't let anyone use me though and I cut people off when I feel they try to take advantage of me. The only time in my life I felt used was with my most recent ex..he had lots of issues. He was the only guy that was different to the ones I used to date in the sense that he didn't try and save me, we were both lost.

 

Personally..I have really grown nowadays, I don't fall into these dynamics at all anymore. So now that I am healthier, I don't attract as many people as before !

 

This last one even said "you're someone I feel I can trust and be close to" two seconds after telling me we can't be a couple.---Irony is she is an actual psychologist (go figure)

 

This is not ironic at all, most people that become psychologists is to understand and heal their own pain. I am doing a couple of courses now related to psychology.

 

Here comes a very important question. There are reasons why we are attracted to the people we are. Throughout my life I had a lot of shy, quiet guys be attracted to me and a part of me hates it because I considered them weak, that they liked me because noone else talked to them first and they latched on to the attention I gave them just because I hate anyone feeling ignored. I spoke to a counsellor about it and she said 'The reason those guys gravitate to you...there is something about them that resonates with you' And then I realised..it was the loneliness I saw in them. I had that loneliness too eventhough I was social and bubbly and talked to everyone..I felt alone in all those efforts because others usually didn't make them first, they were more inhibited, less interested etc. I remembered how I always felt lonely or that I saw the world through a different light, eventhough people liked me. Once I realised that I have a different approach to those guys.

 

Do you think happybear and psychomagnet that there is something in those people that resonates with you on a deeper level? Or something about them that you find you need as an individual.

[happpybear]

Do you think happybear and psychomagnet that there is something in those people that resonates with you on a deeper level? Or something about them that you find you need as an individual.

 

still trying to figure it out, one of the many reasons why i am not dating right now actually.

[Fudgie]

What I have found is that I am not a very happy person deep inside. I've never been. When I am at my happiest, I am "reasonably content" and I cannot think of a time in my life where that has changed. My boyfriend knows about this, when he (or anyone) asks if I am happy, I say "I am content".

 

That being said, I am still fun to be around, people like my sense of humor, I smile, I joke, I laugh, etc. My life is not a sad life. But I am not 100% happy and I think I am that way because of many internal issues I am working on as well as the person that I am. Right now, I am fine with being reasonably content. I hope to upgrade to "happy" in the future but that may or may not happen so I am just going to enjoy life.

 

Deeply unhappy people, who usually (but not always) turn out to be mental, do seek me out because of this. Deeply unhappy people can see other deeply unhappy people. It is obvious. I can pick them out myself. To me, it's very obvious when someone isn't satisfied with life completely. Maybe they ARE content and enjoy life, but deep down, you can just tell. I'm sure others can tell with me.

 

I am also empathetic and when I'm in the right mood, I'll listen to anyone's sob stories. I may think that they are BS or lying or just ridiculous, but I will listen and hold my tongue.

[Capricorn3]

This thread is almost four years old. - The OP hasn't been back since 2009.