why does the ex call?

[kate111]

First of all I would like to say a big thank you to everyone who has been giving me advice. It has been really helpful. To anyone out there who is a guest and not a member I recommend this site highly if you have just been dumped and are going out of your brain.

 

What I have gathered from reading the posts on this forum is that the ex who did the dumping will call you if you use "no contact." This seems to happen in almost all cases.

 

But why does the ex always seem to always call?

 

Is it because they miss you? or out of curiosity? or what?

[Something funny]

Well it's not so strange really, is it? I guess they're surprised we're not hounding after them and they want to know why and what's up. Losing them is hard for us, but losing us isn't that easy for them either, I guess.

[kate111]

I can undrstand why they would contact you at first but what about when they contact you like 6 months afterwards?

[Michael2]

So you got dumped and your ex is calling you, it generally means they doubt their decision and they regret what they did.

 

How do you react you are probably asking? If you have any pride (which I wish I did when my relationship went sour) you tell them you are busy and hang up the phone, without rescheduling any further contact! Be firm, no bs talk, no how is your family how is your pet fish doing, the weather, the news, NADA. THis tells them you dont need them in your life and that you have moved on. Which in turn will scare the you know what out of them!

 

First off, it's very difficult to call someone you've dumped and if you receive a cold reaction on top of that, it's like a huge slap in the face. At this point, if your ex had any doubts about dumping you, these doubts just increased. If you still want to be with them, you could play the cold as ice game until she comes running back...let them beg.It will feel good , trust me, and in turn it will make them realize how bad their judgement was when they decided to toss you to the curb.

 

If you are happier with out them, then forget who they are, dont pick up when they call. This will make them realize you respect yourself.

 

You want them back, leave them alone, ignore them. I have learned this, others on this site may not agree with me, but I GUARANTEE IT WORKS for many cases, if not most.Listen , the hard part isnt getting the back, the hard part is what happens once you do.

[kate111]

Wow Michael 2 you should be a motivational speaker or something because your advice makes me feel good. Really goooood. It totally justifies the attitude I have been taking so far to my ex.

 

So you think the ex has doubts about their decision and calls the poor dumpee up?

 

But in my case it is 6 months later. He messages me, so far, about once every 2 months or so (in other words 3 times). This is hardly begging.

 

Are you sure it is not just idle curiosity? Wanting to settle the past or something?

 

He has a girlfriend now, so his emotional needs would probably be met already.

 

When we were going out together he used to call his then ex (now ex ex?) even though she was married. I don't think he was still interested in her (because he was very into me at that stage). Do you think he was still interested in her?

 

People are talk to exes all the time. Do you think this is their doubts manifesting?

[AnotherChick]

Well Michael had some great points!

 

I've been the ex calling, because I am miserable and that person was the only person who could sometimes make it better. In that case, I had the upper hand because there was a very good reason he was my ex.

 

I've been the dumpee implementing the no contact rule. Like stated in countless other posts, he came crawling back. I let him sneak in for a few weeks, then stated this was NOT working and the no contact rule was back in affect. At which point, he begged to come back. I let him back, and just as stated before, now I have no idea what to do with him. Trust has been blown. I have no idea what made him come back. But after "no conact" he did.

 

I've also been the needy, whiny, dumpee who didn't implement the no contact rule when she should have and the dumping was reinforced again, and again, and again. Thus proving that not giving space fails.

 

I've been the dumper, followed by no contact. Now that I think of the dynamic of the no contact rule, that one is EXTRA cruel. I feel bad now. Thanks.

 

In then end, I don't really have reasons...just that I can attest to what your saying. Why does it have to be so stupid hard???!!!!

[Something funny]

Sounds nice.. But how much of no contact would be "normal"? I'm talking in terms of weeks, months, years?

[Langeveldt]

So you got dumped and your ex is calling you, it generally means they doubt their decision and they regret what they did. .

 

I would love to agree...

 

I got dumped, my ex calls me.In fact we text through the night just like we used to.. She is to put it simply trying to use me as a friend (who still loves her) for all she is worth until she gets with one of her male friends, which will doubtlessly put me out of my misery... Im not strong enough to and see her in the mess she will undoutebly be in..

So im being played, like a complete joke and ive been playing games with this girl for so long now...

 

Sorry I cant be positive for you kate, but If i were you I would run away as fast as possible from an ex because it is a lot easier than the alternative.. I just wish i was strong enough to when she dumped me last year...

[kate111]

I hate to say but Ive been thinking about this one and I think their reasons for calling are a lot more complicated than just having doubts about dumping you.

 

For instance, consider these reasons to call:

 

1. They don't want you anymore but they want you to want them. They like the attention that your pain gives them. It makes them feel special. thereforeeee they try to keep you under their spell as long as possible.

 

2. They don't want you but the thought of you with anyone else makes them a little bit jealous. So they would prefer to keep your hope alive that they may come back to prevent them the mild pain of seeing you happy with someone else.

 

3. They want to see what you are up to so that they can reconfirm why they dumped you. ie god he's still a garbage collector, god thank god i dumped him!

 

4.Mild curiosity at what you are up to without them.

 

5. Boredom.

 

6. They assume you will always be there for them and so they figure they may as well give you a call. "They'll listen".

 

7. They don't really care what you think about them aymore becasue you are part of their old past life and so you are expendable. This means they can call you when they are down or lonely or depressed without fear of what you will think of them.

 

8. They like you enough to want to be your friend and so they will call you regardlesss of how selfish it may be on their part to contact you given the pain you are going through.

 

9. They like the attention of someone who really wants them.

 

 

If these reasons are at all accurate then it seems if you want to keep your self respect then "no contact" is definitely the wisest choice for yourself.

 

If they really want you they will fight for you.

[ziggystar]

hey kate111,

 

whoa! all the reasons you just ASSUMED are all negative. and you wonder why you're mad or hurt? they're assumptions that your mind is making up without any evidence at all, and you are causing yourself pain, not him. as many reasons as you can name that are negative, i can name many that are positive or at the very least neutral. and all the negative reasons you have given seems to suggest that you may have a low self opinion. why wouldn't he call? just remember, you are worth it. but he's not paying up the worth, so move on.

[kate111]

Ok ok, i know these are all negative reasons!

 

It is not that i have negative self worth, it is just that i think there are reasons other than Michael's ie that they are having self doubts.

 

In other words people shouldn't get their hopes up that the ex may want them back just because they phone them.

 

I am just brainstorming to think of possible reasons.

 

What are the positive ones?

[ziggystar]

3. They want to see what you are up to so that they can reconfirm why they dumped you. ie god he's still a garbage collector, god thank god i dumped him!

 

this says to me negative self worth. you assume that their reasons for dumping you were valid and he's checking up on you to reconfirm that. and you are making the comparison to yourself as a garbage collector. where did that reference come from? from your own mind. in your mind you assume that he thinks you to be as lowly as a garbage collector (which by the way, garbage collectors are some of the most humble and good people i know). you fabricated this entirely in your own mind, without any evidence to create some bad feelings which ultimately hurt you. if that's not negative self worth, i don't what it is.

 

here's a positive reason. he still cares about you and realizes he made some mistakes. although he knows that it's over and doesn't want to change the what had happen (not that he can), he wants goodwill to flourish.

 

but really why are you THINKING ABOUT WHAT HE IS THINKING? it's a futile exercise. you're not a mind reader and never will be. let it go. stop. you will only hurt yourself in doing so. positive or negative, you shouldn't be doing any reasoning on why he's calling. it's irrelevant.

 

it seems like you are not healed from the experience, and i would continue to heal. if it bothers you that he is calling you, tell him to stop. i know how it is. you want him to tell you he was completely wrong and he was a jerk and that he messed up, so that you can stop feeling like you're dirt. but self worth has to come from you. you can't give it to the hands of others. even the most loving healthy relationship is about having individual self worth not dependent on the other.

 

ie. i hate you. should you hate yourself because i said i hate you? i know i'm a stranger, but whether it's a stranger or someone you know. the minute you get hurt or mad, there's a part of you that feels that is the truth. i'm not saying you shouldn't get mad, but to the extent where it affects you for a prolonged period, it becomes your problem. and yours to let go of.

[kate111]

Ziggystar, I do not think it is fair to say outright that I have negative self worth from the garbage collectors comment. Let me justify:

 

YOU are the one assuming that I think garbage collectors are crap. My comment implies that the ex has some problem with garbage collectors (or shall I call them town tidiers?), not that I do.

 

The comment about garbage collectors was not made because I personally believe that I am a garbage collector and that the ex would ring me up to confirm that I am crap because of this. This is taking the comment far too literally.

 

The situation is just a practical example of the following mindset: What I mean is that the ex has some problems with you, or doesn't think you are cool enough or good enough for them, and then when a bit of time has gone by and they are maybe starting to remember some good things about you then they need to call you up just to check if they were right about you so that they can rejustify their past decision to dump you.

 

This could go the other way too. The other side of the coin is that they are remembering good things about you and doubting their decision to dump you (like Michael2 theorised)

 

I am asking the question "why does the ex call" not only because I am confused about the possible reasons why my ex who cheated on me and then keeps calling me could possibly have for contacting me, but also because I am actually interested in human nature itself. I like trying to understand humans and like trying to put myself in other people's shoes. That is why I like giving advice and asking questions on this website. I like it because I can have a chance to discuss the things I am interested in honestly with other people.

 

So don't worry about me trying to look into the ex's mind. It is not because I am an obsessed psycho (or not at this precise minute anyway) but simply because I am interested in human beings.

 

The positive reason you gave is a good one and one that I think could definitively be true in my situation. I know my ex cared for me and he probably does want to make things ok with me again despite what he did.

 

Now I am starting to think maybe it would be better for my own mental state if I call him, or wait for him to call and just make polite chit chat to let him know (and put in my own mind) that he is forgiven or something. Should I?

 

Are there any other positive reasons the ex could have for calling?

 

Obviously the possible reasons are endless and are as varied as life itself but are there any typical thought/ feeling patterns involved here?

 

Going once. going twice! any other reasons?

[Belle]

Kate,

 

I don't think you have to justify your post. I think you pretty much summed up the reasons why an ex calls. I don't think they always have your best interests at heart. Actually, I think they rarely do. Considering his past history, I wouldn't talk to the guy but I can't stand cheaters. I think if you don't want him back, it's good to just let him sweat that you don't want anything to do with him. Funny thing is that this seems to keep them calling. I have had 4 exes from the past 16 years try to get back together in one way for years after the breakup.

 

Funny about the obsessive thing. Rejection does bring that out a little doesn't it? But think of the pleasure you'll have when you tell yourself you deserve better and the bugger can't get you to talk to him and you'll have moved on.

 

Belle

[kate111]

Thanks Belle,

 

Rejection does tend to bring out obsession, I agree.

 

My ex did cheat but he was a long way away and so he just figured it was easier to put off telling me for awhile I guess. Just a selfish coward. Not really bad i guess.

 

Just a train of thought...

 

When someone is dumped, alot of the time, especially if it comes with no warning, the dumped person hopes that they will get back together with the ex.

 

When the ex calls the dumped person this often resuscitates the dumped person's hope that they may have a chance of getting back together.

 

The dumped person interprets the call as a positive sign and they keep hoping for something more. This hope prevents the dumped person from moving on on with their life and creating a life which doesn't involve the ex.

 

So it is important to realise that the ex may have negative reasons for calling.

 

The faster you realise you have been dumped and try to create a life of your own without seeing the ex, the less pain you will go through.

 

I think I went through this the hard way.

[ziggystar]

i'm sorry if i offended you, that was not the intention. and yes, this is a discussion and yes, it may be not what you would have thought of and or want to hear, but it is a point of view. you put it out there and we respond, because ultimately we are more or less in the same shoes as you are in this forum. i just think the best way to understand human nature is to examine oneself, since you have all access to yourself, rather then trying to get into the head of somebody else. the best of luck to you.

[kate111]

Ziggystar,

 

Human nature IS what is in the heads of others (and oneself). Hence looking into the mind of the ex, and oneself.

 

There is no other way, psychology is not a science, it is never objective, we can only learn about others through ourselves. Ourselves through others.

 

That is what this website it all about.

 

OK can we move on now. Would love to hear some more positive reasons.

[AnotherChick]

That dialogue seemed to get a little tense. However, there are some really good points.

 

Kate, you're list had some valid points. Sometimes the "breaker upper" breaks up because the other party seems needy. This has happened to me. Then, when the person who was dumped doesn't call, thereforeeee proving they are NOT needy, the "breaker upper" realizes they were wrong. I think that sums up your list really. All that would make sense because, as humans, we all tend to be wrong at one time or another.

 

Ziggy, was very right, that your list was on the negative side. Sometimes an ex will call just because THEY CARE. They might care, even though they know they were the cause of your pain. I think that mere fact that they care is very positive.

 

Finally, I know from first hand experience that Ziggy had another good point. You can't try to read minds. It will drive you crazy. I can say I have done that and driven myself crazy. If he's still calling you, just say..."can I let you go, I've got something going on.", or even "I need to call you back" then you don't really even have to call them back if you don't want to. But if you excersize that a few times, he will really go away.

 

If you feel for him still, and he's calling. For goodness sake, take the calls and work on the relationship. Sometimes everyone is worth a second chance. Even you when it comes to giving a second chance to your own feelings.

 

I wish you all the best! Good luck!

[Mix Maxster]

And that's misunderstanding... i'm seeing a lot of it. Accusations that is based mearly on thought. Isn't that how wars are started??? isn't that why we went to war? Because we thought the person had intentions of doing something or was hiding something that turned up not to be there. (i don't follow the news much so i could be wrong???) but ya the point i'm trying to make is the same point ziggystar made before, we don't know what the ex is thinking and we shouldn't be as it will make us sick to our stomachs. In all honesty the best advice someone thinks they're giving you is to move on, when in fact it is good advice. Why? because only then do you realize there's more people out there aside from you ex. That someone will love you just as much as you thought your ex did. Now is that wrong? No, ONLY if you start getting into relationships and then just moving on to someone better when the going gets tough. Or when they're going through hell, acting all happy about it.

 

So in any case, the positives I'd say to the situation is to think of it like this. At any point in time did the ex play mind games like this? Did they ever do anything that you're thinking they're doing? or did you only start thinking of this stuff after the breakup? I usually find that what we think isn't always what is going on. You also have to look at it through their shoes, if they're the ones that cheated or broke up with you, don't you think they probably are expecting you to hate them and be mad at them? Don't you think they're expecting to be rejected. They may even say things just to reassure themselves they are right in the fact you hate them. SO as dumb and stupid as it all sounds, it's usually much more complex than that and we just don't know what's going on. I don't think they're calling to rub it in your face or calling to tell them how much you suck or calling to prove to themselves they were right in leaving. I mean why would they need to??? seriously, they left did they not? They were confident in their decision so why would they need to talk to you again? For fear they made a mistake? Perhaps, it could very well be the reason, but maybe the problem is them and they aren't being fair to themselves in knowing that the person they had was really good for them and that they meant a lot to that other person. As confusing as that sounds, I meant it to say that the breaker might have some insecurities with themselves thinking they don't deserve someone, although they'd never admit it, it may have been the case. It could all be far fetched, but it coudl also shed some light as to why they are calling. The best attitude I have for handling my ex is to be unsure of anything and not expect anything. To handle it all ambigously and to be uncertain is the best because you can remain objective. That's just me, it helps bring understanding to my situations but it may not be that way for everyone.

[Belle]

Mix,

 

That last bit was pretty insightful for someone your age. I have to admit, you may be onto something. Not having expectations or assuming is probably the better part of valor. And the insecurities the dumper might be feeling is also possible. I think my dumpee/dumper may have been there.

 

Good post.

 

Belle

[Sli]

Hi Kate111, interesting subject, definitively gets you thinking…

 

Ever tried to see the 3d picture in one of those stereogram things? If you're too close you won't see a thing and you soon get frustrated staring at the jumbled mess. You have to have the picture at the right distance to see anything or for it to mean anything to you. What I'm getting at is that sometimes it's only when we take a step back from a situation we can get some focus, we get to see the whole picture. This can quite often result in epiphany and a true realisation of the part we played in the relationship.

 

From my experience, when all that jumbled mess of emotions is forgotten, and with the added effect of rose tinted specs, mostly positive thoughts remain. I can say in the past I have tried to contact every one of my exes for various reasons after we've split… curiosity, reminiscence, regret, self realisation, guilt or just simple nostalgia to name a few, some with success some not. But never once has my motivation been a negative one, maybe misguided at times but never out of malice or to cause further pain.

 

Sli

[tere]

in my case, my ex calls and hangs up whenever I answer... I know it is him because of the phone ID. Two weeks ago, I was driving to my house and I saw him driving in his car... at the moment he saw me he tried to cover up his face but didn't do it successfully. He doesn't live anywhere near my house so I know it's hard for a coincidence.

This kind of behaviour gets me confused and wondering what will he might be thinking.

[AnotherChick]

Wow Sli! That is a really interesting and cool way to put it. I think you are on to something.

 

Tere, you are being stalked. Seriously. That's a post all by its self. Be careful of this guy.

[DJOakTree]

About a month and a half ago (actually March 10th to be exact), my girlfriend straight left me. We had been having problems, and at the time I couldn't really see why. I love her so much (yes,still) and I had always made sure that I asked her if she approved of the things I did. Now, the reason I put it like that is because during our time together (I started doing it the same week we got together...fast times), I had taken quite a liking to crystal meth . For a while, she knew, the first 3 months, then I felt compelled to promise her that I would quit (stupid, stupid, stupid!). Well I quit for a few weeks, but then I ended up back with it and I struggled for about 4 months with it. Well, I was too ashamed to tell her (try being one of the smartest kids at school, but a failure and a crystal meth addict...), so I hid it until one day she "caught" me. Not to say that it was the first time she knew, she's not stupid, but this was the first time she confronted me about it. After that it was a simple fact, and she started taking me to get it (she waited in the car), loaning me money (which I payed back a few days later, as promised), and almost every night she drove me to my friend Jamie's apartment.

[before I continue, Jamie needs a quick introduction... She was almost 20 (my girlfriend and I were 17), very good looking, loaded with drugs, and her and I had become very close very quickly. But she was like my older sister, she helped me with my problems with my girl, and I had a place to really relax. And I know this looks really really bad, but I assure you our time together was strictly friends (or, as stated before, really like family).

About this time was when we started really having problems . I would go to Jamie's every night and obviously stay up, and then go to school with my girl during the day. I have to admit that it is really bad to have only slept maybe 70 or 80 nights out of the past year. But I asked her if she was okay with it, I made sure, and she always told me she was.

My girlfriend and I had plans to get married upon turning 18, move to Tuscon to attend U of A, we even talked about how many kids we wanted to have. I always did everything I could to be the "perfect" boyfriend. I mean, here I am, a broke, jobless tweaker, dating a beautiful, wonderful straight-edge girl who has a job and a car, etc. But it wasn't about that stuff at all, all I ever wanted was to be in her presense. I am completely, 100% content with her in my arms.

So one day we pull up to my house and she told me she didn't love me anymore, with the emptiest pair of eyes I have ever seen. She had tried breaking up with me twice before, but I begged her back... This time though I knew it was for real. Well this pretty much sent me off the edge. I started lying, cheating, stealing, anything to get more crystal ... In 4 hours I snorted more than 3 times as much (I did a Teener, or about 2g) of it as it would take to kill someone who had never tried it before. I got real, real bad. I didn't have anyone to go home to, I felt again alone in the world. In a few days I am being sent to inpatient rehab. I get to live in the hospital for about 3 weeks...*sarcasm*YAY!

So from my side, why does the ex call? Because I had a future that I cared about for the first and only time in my life, and I had put 9 1/2 months of work towards that goal, and then overnight she decides to just push me out. I call because I want closure. I call because I want a real reason why. I call because I hope that she'll change her mind. I call to make sure her and her little sister are doing ok and to let her know that I still love her and no matter what I will always protect her. Of course she doesn't want that, but that's how I feel. So really, I call because I DO CARE. I would sacrifice my life if it would make sure that she has a good life.

I think that maybe you all are focusing too much on what people are thinking when they call and not enough about what they're feeling. She has said and done some cold things to me, and I continue to cry my eyes out whenever I think of her (which is a whole lot). For the life of me, I can't figure out why I still love her so much even though she really doesn't care. Sometimes I get so angry and I want to tell her how much I hate her for doing this to me (yes, she did it to me, she promised, the day before, that she would never leave me no matter what, and less than 24 hours later she doesn't love me.), but when I see her it all goes away. Her presense has always had that effect on me. I dunno... I guess what I'm trying to say is I really can't say what I think when I do it, because what I feel is way too strong and confusing.

8) Moral of the story: STAY AWAY FROM HARD DRUGS. NO MATTER WHAT. I'm lucky to be only 17 and receiving help for it, hopefully I'll live to see 30 now.

[kate111]

Thank you all so much for your wonderful insights.

 

I agree that there may be many thoughts and feelings involved here. They could be positive ones or negative ones or both together.

 

Probably the ex doesn't even know why they are calling half the time themselves.

 

Maybe it is pointless trying to work out why.

 

But what about the possible reasons in my personal situation?

 

My ex tries to contact me about once every two months even though I ignore him pretty much.

 

He two timed me for a while, while he was away, then when he came back and I found out I, (naturally) kicked him out and now he is living with the other girl.

 

Can you understand why I am so interested in asking this question? What reasons could he possibly have? What does he want from me? I mean shouldn't he just hope to never see me again given that he deceived me and I threw him out? Shouldn't he just let sleeping dogs lie.

 

I find it hard to trust his motives given the circumstances. What does he want from me? friendship?

 

I wish him all the best, I really do, and if he is happy with the new girl then that is fine.

 

At the moment I am cordial and no more. Do you think I am doing the right thing?

 

I have forgiven him, but it doesn't mean I want to be his friend.

 

I just want him out of my life. I don't want to talk about him or think about him or see him or anything. Is that reasonable?