why does the ex call?

[DragonGirl724]

i dated this guy 3 summers ago and he cheated on me & after months of not speakin to him he came crawlin bak applogizing, i forgave him but i wanted nuthin to do with him but eventually i added him to my AOL list anyway. we eventually became online buds again and BS'ed online. but the way u feel about wanting him out of ur life completely just go with it, i felt it too. u got nothin to lose and never doubt your gut feelings. actually he & i are strictly still online buds tho he saw me last year on my b-day, still wanting me back lol. he & i speak about our current relationships (well his relationship & my ex) & we actually seek advice from eachother...

 

-DG724

[raider5]

Kate I must say BRAVO to you!!! It's good that you posted this. Too many on these forums are drugged with hope that they don't see the other side of things. Don't get me wrong. To quote The Shawshank Redemption:

 

Hope is a great thing. Maybe the best of things.

 

And I've always thought that hope is a sufficient condition to stay alive. It's the reason we don't kill ourselves when we do lose our exes--because we believe that it will work out in the end (whatever that may be).

 

But we have to remember to

 

PREPARE for the worst, HOPE for the best!

 

Some people forget about the former. So in that vein I'd like to try and reply to your reasons:

 

Note that 1,6,7 and 9 are saying basically the same things in different words. I think 1 and 9 more closely related and 6,7 are closely related. But they all basically say: "I don't care, but I'll call anyways."

 

But there is a way to deal with all of these: NO CONTACT. Can you honestly say that after months of basically ignoring the other person that any ulterior motive would still reside. I don't think so. After enough time you should be able to see that you still have a part of them.

 

___________________________________________________

1. They don't want you anymore but they want you to want them. They like the attention that your pain gives them. It makes them feel special. thereforeeee they try to keep you under their spell as long as possible.

 

How to know: Are they emotionally secure? emotionally mature? Have they been loved before? Were they needy during the relationship?

 

Note: that their desire for attention means they do want something of you, And these are not mutually exclusive. They can want the attention and still want to be with you.

 

How to test: don't make them feel special. If they keep coming back after a few months then this probably isn't the case.

 

2. They don't want you but the thought of you with anyone else makes them a little bit jealous. So they would prefer to keep your hope alive that they may come back to prevent them the mild pain of seeing you happy with someone else.

 

How you MIGHT know: when did they start coming back? Was it when they found out you were with someone else?

 

How to test: Talk about the person you're with. Do they call more?

 

3. They want to see what you are up to so that they can reconfirm why they dumped you. ie god he's still a garbage collector, god thank god i dumped him!

 

How you might know: Why did you break up? What questions do they ask you?

 

How to test: I think you posed a good thing! They are curious about you. If you portray change, they will doubt their reasons for leaving. This is why it's so important to fix the problems and everything else from the breakup. Because when they come back they want to have doubts, they don't want to again date the reason for a breakup, they want someone new. You want them to fall in love with a different person.

 

4.Mild curiosity at what you are up to without them.

 

How you might know: How often do they call. Mild curiosity might happen once every year, but not twice a month.

 

How to test: Just give it time. If the contact is frequent then it's probably not this one.

 

5. Boredom.

 

How to know: Ask them what they've been doing. Are they really bored. If they are, they would be bored more often. What time of day did they call

 

How to test: Watch contact patterns. Is it only at times when you think they are bored. I must say that I doubt this one ever comes up. There's always a better reason for why they call.

 

6. They assume you will always be there for them and so they figure they may as well give you a call. "They'll listen".

 

How do you know: Are you in friend zone with them? Do they call only to confide in you. What exactly do you think you are "listening" for them.

 

How to test: If in doubt, cut all conversations short and give it time.

 

7. They don't really care what you think about them anymore because you are part of their old past life and so you are expendable. This means they can call you when they are down or lonely or depressed without fear of what you will think of them.

 

This is the same as 6 with a slightly worse motive.

 

8. They like you enough to want to be your friend and so they will call you regardless of how selfish it may be on their part to contact you given the pain you are going through.

 

How do you know: Do you think you are in friend zone with them? Do they call only to confide in you? Were you friends before you started dating?

 

How to test: OK this is tough, but I don't think it occurs all that often. Think about the friends you have. I can to months without talking to my friends. And NEVER are you or your friends DYING to talk to you. If your ex pushes very hard to be your friend, it's not because they fear losing a friend. They are afraid to lose YOU. I know its hard to see because it makes sense that they might just want to keep you in their lives. But true friends know when to leave you alone, lovers can't stand the thought of losing you from their lives.

 

9. They like the attention of someone who really wants them.

 

This is the same as 1 with more benign motives.

[kate111]

Thanks Raider. You have theorised about my psychological theories!

 

We are really beginning to understand this part of human relationships, I think. We have developed an appreciation of the complexity involved in how "no contact" works on exes. I think this is a valuable exercise. It helps us to get perspective on our situations.

 

Im starting to think my ex is maybe calling mainly because of the last reason. He can't bear to lose me. This would make sense because:

 

He cheated on me for months and months. When I eventually got it out of him, he never said he wanted to leave me at any stage. I just kicked him out. His reason for avoiding telling me about the other girl is that he was too scared.

 

Scared of what? my reaction? losing his love back up plan?

 

I think he may have been too scared of losing me. He was in love with someone else but too scared of losing me.

 

He used to call his ex ex when we were seeing each other too. Maybe he didn't want to lose her either.

 

What do you guys make of all this? Do you think I am right?

 

I would really like to get your opinions because you can see my situation objectively.

 

He has jumped from one girl to another in his lifetime, pretty much always with an overlap.

 

What do you make of that? Why has he done this?Can he change?

 

Has anyone else ever had a boyfriend like this?

 

How should I react to him?

[kate111]

Here is another one:

 

They call you because they don't want you now, because they are dating someone they think is more interesting to them, but they may just keep you in reserve as a back up plan.

 

Then if one falls through there is another one ready to go.

 

They may leave you for the other person because the other person is more exciting but they also realise that it might not work out with the more glamorous new partner. Hence they keep in contact with you so that there is a potential lead to follow if things turn ugly with the new person.

 

Nice huh?

[kate111]

I would love some help from all you wise souls out there to work out potential reasons why my ex would call me. My story is posted in the previous pages.

 

I would like to think he calls for some good reasons, like that he misses me.

 

But I fear that is is because he would like to keep me as "back up" or some ulterior motive.

 

When we first broke up and he called me I asked him why, but he had no answer, so I told him to go away.

 

Please help, because I want to know if I should keep ignoring him or not. He already caused me enough pain as it is. I don't want him to cause anymore in my life.

[kate111]

I realise that I can be pessimistic at times but given that the guy cheated on me for 5 months I think it is understandable why I am suspicious.

 

I have a new boyfriend now, I dont want him back.

 

Apart from a short text message in response to the exe's saying "everything is great" I have not been in contact with the ex for 5 months now. He has tried to contact me from time to time.

 

The ex cheated on me for 5 months before I found out and kicked him out. He now lives with the other woman. Could you ever find it within yourself to forgive him and be his friend? as he seems to expect me to do.

 

I mean with friends like that who needs enemies, right?

 

I just want to know why he is calling so that I can react appropriately.

 

I actually hope I never hear from him or see him again, to be honest.

[fantasia2004]

 

 

 

How can that apply to me when a person is dating someone else and decides to call on your birthday? I sent him a little harsh email and he has not spoken to me since. Why bother? How does this work I mean what are they thinking? wHY DID THEY DO THAT?

 

fANTASIA

[kate111]

After reading Fantasia's post I guess I can now see how hard it is trying to speculate on why someone would call without knowing the people involved personally. There could be so many reasons...

 

Fantasia,

 

I will try to give an answer, but please do NOT take what I say as truth or anything becasue it is so hard to say exactly why he called you. It is just a hunch more than anything.

 

It sounds to me like in your case it could be that the ex wants you to know that he still remembers you and thinks of you despite the fact that he has a new partner.

 

He chooses to ring on your birthday because it is an excuse for him to call. It gives him a reason. He also chooses your birthday to show you that he still cares about you and what happens to you.

 

This could be because:

 

a) He wants you back or is having doubts about leaving you.

b) He wants to start a friendship with you.

c) He doesn't want you to hate him.

 

Could somebody please make idle speculation into the mind of the ex in my situation please? I know it is unhealthy, but please indulge me!

[kate111]

Come to think of it, there is another reason the ex would call:

 

Because they don't want you to hate them.

 

People don't like being hated. The ex realises that considering the cruel way they dumped you (eg by leaving you for someone else/ cheating on you/ going cold and not calling etc etc), that you may very well hate them.

 

If the dumpee refuses to speak to the ex by using no contact then the ex fears that dumpee hates them or is angry at them and this is why they refusing contact.

 

So they will call and try to show their caring side to make you understand or forgive them and clear the air.

[jb987]

I can't say why anyone else would call their ex, but I know why I did (and still do). At first, I would call her every couple months because I had lingering doubts, even once I had started to get pretty serious with someone else. After she got angry and called me out on it, I left her alone for a while.

 

We now talk every month or so. I don't have doubts any more, but I call her because she was an extremely important part of my life for over three years and I care about how she is doing. Still, I worry about sending her the wrong signals (even though she's probably over it too), so I try to keep things pretty light and infrequent.

 

In any event, I think the most important thing is that, unless you talk to that person about it, you have NO idea what they are thinking. You're really not being fair to yourself by trying to read their mind. I'd say if you really want to know, find a time when you're both likely to be in a good mood and ask them about it. Unless they tell you, you really will never know why they continue to call.

[taytay]

Yeah it could possibly be because they don't want you to hate them but he could still have feelings for ya. Me and my girlfriend just broke up yesterday and I have already talked to her on the phone twice for quite a bit of time. But ya know, that's just me and I still have feelings for my girlfriend.

[kate111]

But I can't just ask him because he won't give me a truthful answer. He is not going to say, for instance "well I had lingering doubts about us breaking up and I didn't want you to hate me". He knows that I was/is angry at him for cheating on me (im not really any more but he probably thinks I am). He is going to be too afraid to really tell it like it is.

 

Is it really impossible to theorise the possible reasons in my particular situation?

 

That makes me feel disappointed. Im curious to know.

 

If anyone has any ideas please let me know.

[Stingseed]

perhaps you should call him and talk to him and then let him bring it up why he calls you at that point you mention that you are not mad at him no more thereforeeee he will be opening up and letting you know with a little persuation. And in the end you respond with what you wanna say whether it si closure or giving it another try. Either way this may go I feel this will bring the mystery to an end. But make sure you tell him what you feel in your heart.

 

Like someone said already in this topic sometimes people deserve another chance. I have forgiven my ex for cheating on me and she knows this not by me telling her I forgave her but by me not bringing it up at all in the 2 months of minimal contact I have shown her. Not once. There is something I feel I should tell you. I think you want your ex back to be honest with you. Just talk to the ex she what happens.

[fantasia2004]

Come to think of it, there is another reason the ex would call:

 

Because they don't want you to hate them.

 

People don't like being hated. The ex realises that considering the cruel way they dumped you (eg by leaving you for someone else/ cheating on you/ going cold and not calling etc etc), that you may very well hate them.

 

If the dumpee refuses to speak to the ex by using no contact then the ex fears that dumpee hates them or is angry at them and this is why they refusing contact.

 

So they will call and try to show their caring side to make you understand or forgive them and clear the air.

 

 

You are right kate and jb,

 

But I don't think it is fair for my ex to call me when it really did not come from the heart.But while dealing with him before earlier, he did not treat me as if he respected or cared for me liked he claimed.

 

So that is why I asked why would he call if he does not care or want me anymore? He treats me like **** and talks down to me like a child, and constantly feels the need to prove something to me. This is my own opinion on that last statement. So why still if you don't show in body language and you have someone else told me never to talk to you again? Action speaks louder than words!

 

 

Fantasia

[kate111]

Thank you stingseed for your advice. I myself have a new boyfriend and my exboyfriend is living with the woman he cheated on me with. So there is no possibilty of getting back together anymore.

 

I don't want to call him, because I am afraid it might open a can of worms.

 

What I want to know is, what possible reasons could there be for him to call when he has a new girlfriend and i have a new boyfriend? Why does he call once every 2 months even though I ignore him or fob him off?

 

He sometimes sees my friends and asks them what I am up to as well.

 

Do you think he wants to be friends or just use me as back up?

 

I have forgiven him but I don't feel ready to see him out and about with his new girlfriend, if you know what I mean.

 

Fantasia,

 

If you give me some more details I will try to help you decifer what your ex is playing at.

[fantasia2004]

Fantasia,

 

If you give me some more details I will try to help you decifer what your ex is playing at.

 

Sure kate, Like what specificly are you needing for me to tell you?

 

We were dating for 2 1/2 years and we had problems arguing after we split up. He was dating this girl right away after we broke up with me. He barely talks to me now but before we used to talk alot and hang out more than when we were together. Exchange of money to help him out in the past because he did it for me while I was sick with cancer. Anyway recently I told him before my b-day that he can forget about paying me back and he got mad and said he wants to pay me for what he owed me. I said no and told him it was okay to let it go plus that I was looking forward to another year of being alive and well but I think he must of felt guilty.

 

If you did not want this tell me or be specific of what you want to know because my head is spinning from everything.I just feel that I am not making sense at the moment.

[kate111]

First you hav to tell me what exactly you want to know

[fantasia2004]

I just want to know is he playing games with my head on purpose like your list says or does he really mean it ?

 

If you aRE DATING SOMEONE else and you do not wish to have me contact you at any time then why should you bother calling for a day of birthday greetings?

 

Kate he does not care he does not respect me , why should you do this if you want nothing to do with me? I hate him for it.

 

 

You have someone else why bother calling me.?O don't know anymore

[DragonGirl724]

HELP!!! ok advice plz. since our 2 month breakup i wrote my ex a letter 2 weeks ago sayin im sorry for smothering him & influencing his choice to break up & i relize how foolish i acted & i appologize but i never once asked for him back. i said i learned & grew from this & if he ever wants a friedship/relationship possibly in the future its gonna be on him. i have to move on with my life. etc...

 

well, he has IMed me twice that week veryyy briefly talkin about his car *like his car is sumthing i give 2 ***ts about right now* but yea i kept convo short & logged offline. he didnt IM me or call me at all this week (probably b/c of final exams) until tonight he IMed me as soon as i logged online. literally the second my buddylist loaded. yeah i was psyched! lol he has me on Alert where it plays a certain sound & a box comes on his screen sayin im online. we talked about how his finals went & the new car hes buyin & how his mom thanked me for the Mothers Day card i sent her & asked when im done with classes. it lasted like 15 minutes until i said 'ok im goin out ill talk to ya later. goodnite' and he just said 'you too'.

 

i did the right thing right?? (leaving early in the convo) i mean he was most upset at me b/c i smothered him so i figure its good to see im not stickin around to talk to him for a long time...my philosophy at least . I HATE MIND GAMES!!

 

Question: am i thinking too much into this that he contacted me?? i mean we were pretty NO Contact for a large amount of the 2 months 1 week breakup. and i havent INITIATED a conversation with him in over a month.

 

Is it just plain curiosity to see how im doin? does it mean anything at all? he hasnt mentioned the letter, is it b/c hes just not ready to think it over?? he said to me originally that he needs time to be free w/ his boys & this isnt to date around. i have no reasons to not believe him so im jus worried hes keepin me on the 'back burner' or maybe he is still in love with me but feels this is something he has to do right now...me no know???

 

sorry for the overload of Q's

 

thaks guys i love u all

 

-DG724

[kate111]

Fantasia,

 

You are asking the same question that I want answered. Why does the ex call when they have a new partner? I don't know.

 

It could be for any of the reasons that have been thought of in this section.

 

But in order for me to know which reasons are probable in your case then you have to tell me more intimatly the circumstances of your relationship and subsequent break up.

 

If he calls you and you do want him back. Just be nice and don't talk about the relationship. sooner or later he will have to tell you what he wants out of you, i guess.

 

Dragongirl,

 

I have read your posts on this website and have replied to you from time to time.

 

From what I have gathered reading your posts, it seems like this guy really cares about you. He seems like a nice guy.

 

But NOBODY is too busy to spend time with someone they are in love with.

 

Maybe he loves you but is not in love with you.

 

I don't think he has any of the more negative reasons for calling that I have listed here.

 

It seems like:

 

He calls you because he knows how much you love him and he feels guilty that he doesn't feel as passionately as you do. He worries that you might not be coping without him.

 

But while he doesn't feel as passionately as you do, he does still have deep feelings for you and wants to call you from time to time. He is still interested in you.

 

What he doesn't realise is that by calling you he is creating more harm than good. Because by calling you he is keeping your hope alive that he is still in love with you.

 

What you need to do is back right off for at least a month. Don't answer his calls or anything. This way he can miss you and realise the depth of his feelings for you.

 

When he is with you he probably feels like his feelings for you are not as strong as yours. This is why he thinks he doesn't love you or feels like you shouldn't be boyfriend or girlfriend.

 

What you need to do is to stop speaking to him altogether and let him miss you and realise that he does have deep feelings for you.

[DragonGirl724]

kate,

 

youre right with a lot of things. and i figured after the letter i am gonna stick to NC or at least not contact HIM at least, but now i think ur right i think i should appear offline to him all the time. for a while. and i think he misses me he IMed me immediately, i mean so fast he had typos in the first sentenced & wrote 2 sentences before i read the first. and he told me after the 1st month he misses me & he said to me almost exactly what u said:

 

When he is with you he probably feels like his feelings for you are not as strong as yours (THOUGH PROBABLY B/C I WAS ACTIN OBSESSED THE LAST 2 MONTHS). This is why he thinks he doesn't love you or feels like you shouldn't be boyfriend or girlfriend.(

 

hes told me that when i saw him right after the breakup. thing is i think he also has a complex within himself im not toooo sure of. tho i know he told me hes not 100% happy w/ himself right now either. hes very uncertain as to where his life is headed. and b/c he said he broke up w/ all his ex's for pretty much the same reason. except his ex's end up hating him and he ends up hating his ex's and cuts them out of his life completely but 'im different'. and i know for a fact ill never hate this guy. its like an unconditional love i cant explain. i truly think hes the one for me. its a gut feeling i cant verbalize. he is my heart & i can see us getting past this. timing is everything & im startin to think he broke up with me after 7-8 months b/c he wasted a lot of time before with ex's & it didnt work out so maybe he figures if he breaks this off now in the future there wouldnt be all those years of damage like he had with his ex's.

 

he keeps bringin up. 'i wish i met u like 2 yrs down the line or when im matured b/c u dont deserve this and your so different' i dunno i think we have a nice chance. im hopin this summer thru parties & other plans, he said he wants to take me out for my 21st birthday & all this other stuff we can begin to create new memories. ill probably end up just acting liek i did when i first met him, hard to get, yet didnt show i cared too much, leaving him with the thrill of a chase, who knows maybe by then there will be a guy who'll make him extremely jealous *b/c i know he would get upset if i was with another guy* who knows really. i so tired of tryin to figure out whats goin on in that head of his. so i guess only time will tell. i wish i had patience damnit!!

 

thanks kate111 ur words they made a lot of sense.

 

much love,

-DG724

[kate111]

You need to give him time and space.

 

Maybe he will come back. Maybe not.

 

You have a chance if you just back off and develop yourself.

 

I know it seems like he is "the one" but remember there ARE others out there who may be in a better frame of mind to give you the attention you need.

 

I know what it is like to get obsessive. Just try to control it. Try to put yourself in his shoes and imagine what it would be like having someone obsessed by you. Would it turn you off? probably.

 

Try not to rely on him for your happiness. Develop some interests that take up your time and to get your mind off him.

 

Have you been following my posts at all? what about my situation? tips, ideas, advice all welcome.

[turkishdelyte]

WOW, I would like to first thank everyone for this post....helped me out alot, although I have convinced myself to believe all the "negative" reasons...HAHAHA

 

So here is a question, my ex BF(?) broke up with me about 3 weeks ago, I went HARDCORE NO CONTACT for almost 4 days (I know, its not a long time but keep reading)...I decided that we would do NC and he agreed, we were pretty much planning on getting engaged probably sometime this year....lately hes been stressed and FREAKED about marriage....so throughout those 4 days I got a minimum of 10-15 calls from unrecognizable numbers, most I didn't answer and the ones I did the caller hung up....DUH? I wonder who it was, I would get blank messages and a million and one calls from various payphones close to my house(the bf lives down the street btw)....so on the 4th day he calls and gives me some dramatic story about him leaving the city, he can't live this close to me and BLAH BLAH..and I of course am being super B*****! He says he misses me and loves me and wants to get back together? Hmmmmm, we talk and it turns out he still needs time? he doesn't know if we will be together in the "end" but wants me to know that no matter what happens he will always love me?

 

WHAT DO I DO? If we break up he calls a million times wondering why I am not stalking him.....do I go back? Put it this way, I put pressure on the boy and so did his family, he is freaked, do I give him time? or leave it alone?

 

And why does he call whenever I do no contact? like a minimum of 10 times a day?

[kate111]

Turkishdelyte,

 

That really sux. How annoying.

 

It sounds like your fiance (exfiance?) is having doubts about making that final step towards marriage with you.

 

He calls when you do "no contact" on him because he is scared to death of losing you.

 

He calls because he doesn't want you to move on or to forget him. He thinks you might decide to dump him and move on yourself.

 

He needs to realise that if he doesn't make a decision soon the its a case of "use it or lose it".

 

You could do one of two things:

 

1. Give him time and space. Tell him you are happy to stay in the stage that you are in without going towards that final step of marriage just yet.

 

or if you are not happy waiting for him, or it has been long enough:

 

2. Tell him to go away and decide and then come back. Tell him that you cannot handle this on again off again stuff and that you want to know one way or the other so that you can plan your life. ie get married and settle down or move on.

 

If you decide on (2) it would be better to avoid making this sound like an ultimatum as this would probably make him freak and run a mile.

 

However if he really is unsure then there is nothing you can do about taking that uncertainty away, i don't think (anyone else know how?).

 

It sounds like this guy really cares about you because he is so afraid to lose you. I would sit down with him and have a big talk about things so that you can sort out some kind of compromise. Because if you are going to get married you are going to have to talk about these things.

[kate111]

Im still hoping one of clever souls can decode why my ex calls me every couple of months.

 

This is my story:

 

My ex and I were seeing each other for 1 year before he went away for work for 5 months. We maintained contact and I waited for him.

 

When he came back I found out that he had been seeing someone else. I hit the roof because I loved him and he had two timed me and because I had been waiting for 5 months. I kicked him out.

 

He tried to contact me but I refused because I was angry and hurt.

 

It is now 6 months later or so and he lives with the other girl. I have a new boyfriend and he knows about my new boyfriend through mutual friends.

 

He still tries to contact me every couple of months. So far I have ignored him or just said a curt "everything is great".

 

Why does he contact me every couple of months? Can't he just leave it?