why does the ex call?

[kate111]

StillinLA,

 

Yours is a bit of a complicated break up because although she broke up with you, it was ultimately because you took her for granted.

 

First of all you need to work out whether you took her for granted because of your depression or whether it was just because you didn't appreciate her enough.

 

You need to think about whether you want her back due to your own insecurity, ego or pride because she dumped you or whether it is because you really love her and want to build a life with her.

 

Because if it was due to your own depression or you want her back because she dumped you then you should stay away from this woman. It would be heartless to harm her again.

 

I mean don't say this in a judgemental way, I just mean that sometimes these forces can exist in a person without them even knowing it. You need to reflect and decide.

 

ok now assuming you do want her back for the right reasons:

 

It sounds like she really cares about you. She calls you and misses you. She hints that you are more special to her than her boyfriend. These are all good signs.

 

However she has a boyfriend and so she would definitely have feelins for him too. It would be hard for her to leave him and go back to you. She has involved herself with this other man.

 

You have to realise that you have hurt her very badly and she would have a hard time trusting you again. She probably fears that if she agrees to go out with you again she risks being taken for granted again. Being taken for granted hurts.

 

So you are going to have to constantly reassure her and make her lose her fears.

 

Tell her that you are waiting with open arms for her to come back.

 

Don't pressure her. She may need to take her time. She needs to do this project and she also has a boyfriend to think about.

 

You stuffed up and so you have to pay the price for that. That price may be waiting for her. Even if it takes years.

 

You need to go out on a limb here and tell her that you love her and you are waiting and that she is the only girl for you. Then give her space and time to think about it and come back if she wants to.

 

Be nice to her and let her lead the way.

 

And as for not being loved by a parent, don't let that shape who you are. We all have the power to change. Life is all about self-betterment in my view.

[kate111]

I could use some objective opinions from you guys too if you have anything you would like to add.

 

My story is a few pages back, for anyone new.

[stillinLA]

Thanks Kate111 for your great insight. You've said exactly what my therapist has said! Are you her in disguise?

 

I do love her in earnest and I have told her so. It has nothing to do with my ego or insecurity. I have told her all the things you mentioned. I've done it in an honest and truly caring fashion. I realize I'm paying the price for my lack. If she wants to come back, that's wonderful and if not I'll understand and we will still support each other as good friends.. After all, I caused her so much pain already. I want forgiveness and she has forgiven me but I know it still hurts her. I do want to have her in my life and I am prepared to give 100%.

 

We were always very nice to each other despite my taking her for granted, as strange as that may sound. We are still very nice to each other. That makes it sometimes harder, I suppose. We get along so well.

 

I will wait and I have told her so. I've said that she's the only one. I will give her time and space to decide.

Thanks again, Kate.

[fantasia2004]

 

 

Dear Kate yes and no it was very hard but after I got a job it stopped for awhile.

 

Because he just wanted space he said. The stupid part is I begged like a fool to be his friend. Like as if I had no life and no one would compare to him. It was really stupid. An incredible ego boost for him. That is what he wanted. He in my opinion already changed his numbers to avoid me yet he still called me on my b-day like he did on New Years Day but these days in my opinion I felt he did that simply because he was with his girl on both days. It burns me up. Call me on your own from the heart not because you felt sorry for me or because I told you what wagoing on.

 

I do not want him calling the shots anymore nor does he care in my opinion even if others see otherwise and say he does care. I still have yet to believe. I just want closure on why do you need to try to be nice to me by calling when you have no intention of treating me as a human. That is what I felt like and that is what I have to let go of.

 

I feel ashamed of the past but I definitiely want the present and future to change. I just want more assertiveness on my part and confidence. I just want to be more secure with myself and be able to stand up for myself which I did not do with my ex because I gave him way to much power. And for that I paid a terrible price which I must let it go. Besides I feel like he really could care less. I love him though so that will be hard to let go but in time it will happen I am sure of it. I just have to let the past be the past.

Like that earlier post with that guy recieving therapy and reflectin g but evolving I too want to change for the better and with that I am also recieving therapy which should help.

Thanks

 

Fantasia

[kate111]

Dear Just Jeff,

 

You have not stuffed up at all.

 

I hope you don't mind that I have put this reply to your private message onto the public "why does the ex call" thread but I hope to share info with everyone and am also hoping to get some objective input on my own situation.

 

Sounds like:

 

She contacted you because although she cannot commit to being your girlfriend and has a crush on someone else she still hasn't reconciled herself to the idea that you won't be in her life anymore. She is a bit worried that you are going to replace her or move on without her.

 

Hence she texts you and says those things.

 

She probably wants to be with this new guy but doesn't particularly like the thought of losing you either.

 

She is mixed up. She is still attached to you, she cares about you, but she is excited and attracted to this new guy. She is confused about what she wants and dragging you into it.

 

She just wants to keep your hope alive by giving you mixed messages until she is sure of her decision to stick with her new guy and ditch you.

 

Fortunately there are things you can do to make her doubt her decision to dump you and attract her into your life.

 

Act independent and friendly when she calls and don't appear too needy or desperate to talk to her, otherwise she will get turned off.

 

Do not call her. Be mysterious and keep yourself busy with projects.

 

Make yourself as attractive as possible.

 

Minimal to no contact is the best idea so that she can't see how you are hurting. Better to let her hear from mutual friends etc how you are going so well and doing things etc. Then she will start to get really interested in you again.

 

Don't let her see your pain. Act adult and take it like a man. It is her loss after all. Hopefully she will realise this and try to get back with you.

 

 

Cheers, hope you win her back!

[fantasia2004]

 

 

 

I know you gave this advice to jeff but what did you mean by being attractive to her ? Did you mean acting independent and etc, or you mean pysically so? Just curious.

 

thanks.

[kate111]

There are heaps of things you can do to make yourself "attractive" to your ex.

 

It means doing the things that you feel good about yourself. It means taking time out and trying to better yourself. Examples could include

 

getting a new haircut, exercising, taking Spanish classes, buying yourself a few luxury items, saving for a new car, listening and helping your friends more, having a dinner party. Getting involved in projects, going to art gallery openings, reading books etc.

 

It means developing a positive view of life and being and proud of yourself and your accomplishments.

 

It means not relying on your ex to make you happy anymore. It means becoming more in touch with the things that you like and developing your skills. It means getting to know and like yourself.

 

This will make you more attractive to your ex.

 

Anyone got any comments on my situation?

[nm10465]

When My ex calls me I always get confused and wind up becoming more and more depressed. He broke up with my 3 months ago. We were going out for 6 months, but were casually "talking" to each other for 2 yrs. He'll call, and we'll have a great conversation, but all it leads to it mixed signals for me, because some of the comments that he makes borders on flirtatious...

[kate111]

My ex texts me every couple of months.

 

He hasn't texted me for about a month. Maybe he never will again, since I have ignored him or been marginally rude.

 

I will keep you posted.

 

What response should I have if he does text me?

[nm10465]

Since he texts you, it's an easier form of communication because you cannot hear the tone of the other person's voice. How rude were you the last time? Depending on the level of rudeness would gauge how you should act if he does get in contact with you via text message. You could always just text him back a "Hi, How are you?" and leave it at that

[kate111]

NM10465,

 

Contact with the ex definitely is troubling. I sympathise with you with the ex calling and flirting with you.

 

Sounds like your ex likes you enough to flirt with you but can't commit to a relationship.

 

How annoying!

 

So does the level of niceness go up or down as rudeness increases? Why is that?

 

Im still hoping one of clever souls can decode why my ex calls me every couple of months.

 

This is my story:

 

My ex and I were seeing each other for 1 year before he went away for work for 5 months. We maintained contact and I waited for him.

 

When he came back I found out that he had been seeing someone else. I hit the roof because I loved him and he had two timed me and because I had been waiting for 5 months. I kicked him out.

 

He tried to contact me but I refused because I was angry and hurt.

 

It is now 6 months later or so and he lives with the other girl. I have a new boyfriend and he knows about my new boyfriend through mutual friends.

 

He still tries to contact me every couple of months. So far I have ignored him or just said a curt "everything is great".

 

Why does he contact me every couple of months? Can't he just leave it?

[nm10465]

Wow, that is a two timer!! Did he start contacting you after he found out you had a boyfriend, or before this? It's just a confusing thing all together. My ex and I haven't spoken in over a week now. My birthday is tomorrow so I am seeing if I get a phone call from him or something. Regarding the level of niceness. My ex started out very nice when we first started speaking on the phone. Now sometimes he will call me derogotory names to annoy me, which works... Don't you wish you could just live inside their brains the split second b4 they decide to call?

[fantasia2004]

Found out the ex called on my b-day because he was trying to be nice when I told him I thought you could care less he responding and said well I know now not to do that again.

 

Then I told him later which unfortunately slipped that I missed him a little crazy ? You should read my post on Is it foolish? In getting back together

what do think after all that.?

[kate111]

NM10465,

 

What do you mean he calls you derogatory names sometimes on the phone? If you tell me more about your situation then I can give some advice on how to stop that.

 

My ex boyfriend called me a few times after we broke up and then again when he found out I had a new boyfriend. He hasn't called me in a while.

 

Can you offer me advice?

 

fantasia,

 

I hate to sound harsh but It sounds like your ex boyfriend calls you because he feels guilty and also feels sorry for you.

 

The reason for this is because you cannot let him go and move on. He feels like you have no life without him and since he doesn't feel the same way about you, he feels sorry for you.

 

He called you on your birthday and expected you to be grateful for that call because he feels sorry for you.

 

You told him you miss him like crazy. Im sorry to say that this is a bad move. You need to stop revealing your feelings to someone who is NOT your boyfriend anymore, and not somebody you can trust. He is someone who broke up with you because he doesn't want to be close to you anymore. Don't tell him this or you will drive him further away and lose your pride on the way.

 

You need to be nice and cordial to your ex boyfriend but do not enter into any conversations which turn into deep and meaningful stuff that your ex no longer wants to share with you. You need let it go.

 

Please! for your own pride and sanity. Do NOT call your ex. Do not tell him anything about yourself. Do no contact and try to get on with your life. If you are meant to be together then he will start to miss you and will come back. Until then just try not to think of him.

 

If you need to vent, write it on enaotalone but DO NOT tell him. It WILL get better, believe me.

Goodluck.

[kate111]

This is my story:

 

My ex and I were seeing each other for 1 year before he went away for work for 5 months. We maintained contact and I waited for him.

 

When he came back I found out that he had been seeing someone else. I hit the roof because I loved him and he had two timed me and because I had been waiting for 5 months. I kicked him out.

 

He tried to contact me but I refused because I was angry and hurt.

 

It is now 6 months later or so and he lives with the other girl. I have a new boyfriend and he knows about my new boyfriend through mutual friends.

 

He still tries to contact me every couple of months. So far I have ignored him or just said a curt "everything is great".

 

Why does he contact me every couple of months? Can't he just leave it?Apart from a short text message in response to the exe's saying "everything is great" I have not been in contact with the ex for 5 months now. He has tried to contact me from time to time.

 

Could you ever find it within yourself to forgive him and be his friend? as he seems to expect me to do.

 

I mean with friends like that who needs enemies, right?

 

I just want to know why he is calling so that I can react appropriately.

[kate111]

Now I find out from a mutual friend that a friend of mine has been hanging out with my ex. This female friend didn't know my ex before she met me. Apparently she has been bosting to this mutual friend about hanging out with my ex.

 

Im scared that she will be telling my secrets to him.

 

Why is she doing this? Should I be worried?

[Jerseygirl]

i think u should keep doing what ur doing, and not give in to contacting him. That way, he'll feel less guilty i think, and could possibly then act less friendly. And that would only hurt you. I think right now you have the upperhand in the situation, and u have the power over him. The only time i would say u could be friends with him is if ur completely over him, and the way he acts after u agree to be friends (either nice or hostile) will not effect you, you won't care. Only then would i say to give in.

 

About ur friend who talks to ur ex. ..it depends how close you are if she is telling him ur secrets. I would say def. stop talkin about him with her, but shes obviously not a friend worth having if shes saying stuff shes not supposed to be saying to him about you...

[kate111]

Jerseygirl,

 

Do you mean that he will feel less guilty if I do talk to him or less guilty if I don't talk to him?

 

As to the female friend, She wasn't the greatist friend ever and I have heard some pretty nasty stuff from other friends about her, who also tell me she is probably up to no good.

 

But what no good could she be up to? Could it damage my reputation?

[liveandlearn]

hi,

 

i've been reading posts here for a while now, this is my first post. i know a lot of people here are going through a lot of heartache and are going through similiar situations. i feel you guys, it's so painful and confusing. but i know we can all get through these difficult times. i hope you guys can help me out. i split with my ex about 2months ago. we had been together for 4yrs. i love her more than anything in the world. i still think she is the one. i still do want to get back together with her but it's so confusing. i go back and forth. and i sense that she does not want to. still to this day i'm not sure who dumped who. i broke it off because she found someone else. in my mind she dumped me cause she found someone else. but i did initiate the break up. initially i did everything that people do. kept asking for reasons, begging and pleading, telling her i would change. she said couldn't do it anymore. she didn't even want to work anything out. i was devastated. it still hurts like hell. i stopped chasing her after the 2nd week. i did all the apologizing and took all the blame for the end of the relationship. i was guilt ridden for a while. but since then i've come to terms with it and i'm no longer going through that. i know i screwed up. but i also know there was more to it than just me. i realized that it takes 2 to make it work and 2 to break it.

 

we've kept minimal contact since the break up. never talked about the relationship. i saw her today for the first time in a while. she wanted to talk. we met and we talked for a while. it was very awkward. a lot of awkward silence, a lot of small talk. how's work? how are you doing? she kept asking how i was doing. i wasn't sure what she wanted to hear. did she want to rid herself of guilt? was she asking me cause she really cares? did she want to get back together? all these thoughts running through my head. i kept telling her i was ok and that i was doing my own thing, doing what i have to do. the whole time i'm wondering why is she asking me this? i decided to ask how she felt. she told me she was sad. i told her that it is very sad after 4 years, after all that we've been through. she also said she wanted closure. she wants closure now? after 2 months? doesn't make much sense to me. why does she need closure? she wanted to end it, i wanted to work it out. i wanted closure 2 months ago. she never gave me closure. she never apologized for what she did and she never came clean about the guy. she asked me if i hated her. i told her no. she asked me if i would avoid her, i told her i didn't know. i just couldn't do it anymore. eventually i had to tell her that we can't be friends with just yet. it's not the right time to be friends. i don't know how she felt after i told her that. i'm not sure what her intentions were for having this talk. i'm so confused right now. i'm not sure what she really wanted out of the conversation we had. i still love her and i still do wish we could work something out. am i looking for mixed signals that aren't even there? should i call and ask? what is going on? what should i do? any input will help.

 

thanks

[kate111]

Dear Liveandlearn,

 

Sounds to me like your exgirlfriend misses you. She calls you and wants to retain some kind of friendship with you but don't get your hopes up because this does not necessarily mean that she wants you to be her boyfriend again.

 

If she comes back, you want it to be for the right reasons ie because she loves you, you don't want her to come back because she feels guilty or sorry for you.

 

You seem to realise this already. In your post you say that when she asks how you are doing, you say you are ok and when she asks to be your friend you answer truthfully that you are not ready for that.

 

Good on you.

 

What you need to do is to let her go and just do your own thing for awhile. Be nice to her but keep your own counsel, she doesn't need to be privy to your personal information anymore.

 

You need to start what we call in this forum "no contact". This means that you don't call her or try to see her and stop answering her calls or answer them less frequently. Whatever contact you have must be upbeat and you must end the conversation first. Don't talk about the relationship with her unless she initiates it.

 

If she decides she wants you back, she knows where to find you. But in the meantime start working on making yourself a better man. It is self betterment time.

 

Take up some hobbies, go to the gym and try to become a better person. This will be good for your own self confidence and self worth and is also likely to get back to her somehow (through friends or from her phoning you).

 

The best revenge is success! (and also the best way to make you attractive)

 

If you do this and she has any doubts about dumping you then this may give you the best chance of getting her back.

 

Let us know how it goes.

 

I would appreciate help with my situation too, can you help me?

[liveandlearn]

thanks for the response kate111,

 

the thing i'm hung up on is that, does she really miss me? i hope she does. but she never really calls or emails telling me anything of that sort. to me it seems like she feels guilty and wants to make sure i'm ok so it eases her guilt. she hasn't told me about the guy that she ditched me for. but i do know for sure there is another guy in the picture. my hopes aren't up at all. i still believe that she has nothing left to give to me. she's sick of giving. that's what i sensed when i saw her. i think she's emotionally exhausted. and in a weird way i do understand where she's coming from. i think she just feels bad for what she did but she's afraid to apologize and admit her mistake.

 

i definitely agree that if she wants to get back together that she has to realize what was wrong with the relationship. and i would want it to be a whole new relationship.

 

the only time i've contacted her was regarding bills, personal items, etc. i have not once spoken about the relationship. what got me confused initially was that she was very very cold to me after the break up. then she slowly started giving me info on what was going on with her and the emails became a bit more warm. she still hasn't called me. every contact has been through emails. i don't want her to know what is going on with me because she decided to walk out on me. she doesn't need to worry about what i'm doing. that's why i suspect that she feels guilty and she wants to ease the pain by not admitting to her mistakes. that if i'm ok then it then she doesn't have to feel as bad. i go through bouts of anger thinking about it. the no contact has really helped me regain a good emotional state. but today when i saw i think i took a few steps back.

 

she told me that i would never change and i could tell that she doesn't trust me one bit. i've been going through a lot of changes, i'm finding out things that i didn't know about myself and fixing them. i'm doing this for myself not her. because i realized that i need to change. and if doesn't think i can change, that's fine. because i know i am. there's nothing i can do to change the way she thinks. i've already come to terms and realized that this relationship is over for now. but yes, there is a part of me that is still hoping for that second chance. but i'm not putting my life on hold for that. i'm definitely moving on with my life. i want to be happy. and i want her to be happy. the only thing i have control over is myself. and i don't want to feel like this anymore, i don't want to be stuck in this bad place. i have a choice and i choose to be happy. but i think i would be happier if i was with her. she makes me really unhappy but i feel that she can make me happy. isn't that strange? it just doesn't make any sense.

 

i will keep you posted on how it goes. i think this is just the beginning.

 

as for your situation. i'm not quite sure how you feel about your ex. it's been 6 months and you both have new partners. do you still have feelings for this guy? are you over this guy? i'm not sure how your relationship ended so it's hard for me to make any kind of call. did he admit to cheating? did he apologize? and when he calls what does he say? what kind of emotional state are you in when he calls? from what you've posted it seems like you aren't totally over him, since it bothers you? if you are over him don't bother asking why he's calling and just tell him to never contact you again. it seem like he keeps messing with you. if you still have feelings for him ask why he's calling and ask him for a straight answer. it's hard for me to say but at this point i wouldn't want to be friends with this guy. just like i can't be friends with my ex. not just yet at least, and who knows how long it's going to be before i can be friends with her. i think it'll take a while for me. i think you'll just know when it's time you can be friends with your ex.

 

hope that advice helps you. it's very hard to sort these things out in your head. it gets very confusing. it definitely makes it easier to figure out when you express it. i'll try and help you out as much as i can, i'll do my best.

 

i'm really glad there's a forum like this where people know and understand what we're going through. i appreciate you all for making these tough times a little easier to deal with.

[kate111]

Dear LiveandLearn,

 

Does she miss you? Probably.

 

But unfortunately for your own sanity you need to assume she doesn't and expect nothing from her.

 

If she calls or you speak to her, just be nice and don't give much away. Don't try to make her feel guilty because she will come to resent you if you do that and it will not make her feel attracted to you anyway.

 

More attractive is the person who can let the other person go and who moves on in their life.

 

When she knows that you are not relying on her for your personal wellbeing anymore, she will no longer feel guilty. If she calls you when she no longer has reason to feel guilty then you can be pretty sure she is calling because she misses you and not out of guilt reasons.

 

Better if you just treat her as an attractive stranger rather than an ex right now.

 

As for my problem, wondering why my ex calls, well it isn't really a problem as much as a matter of curiosity now. It used to mess with my head but Im not sure if it would now that I have a new boyfriend whom i love.

 

 

However, I have ignored and being marginally rude to my ex for 7 months now. Does that make me seem like I care too much? I am worried about the impression I am giving. For the sake of my pride- (not to get him back) do you think I appear hung up or in love with him by doing this?

 

What should I do about that "friend" who is hanging out with him? Ignore it?

 

I don't want to give him the satisfaction of thinking that I care.

[Jerseygirl]

kate i think u r pretty much over him, and u have some1 new whom u love.. i think its time u should befriend ur ex. This way it shows u are a better person who doesnt care about ur ex anymore in that way. It will make u look like a more confident, independent person by doing this, rather than keeping a grudge and making him think that u care about him.

[kate111]

Dear Jerseygirl,

 

Thanks for answering.

 

The only problem is that what my ex did to me was really wrong. he went away for 5 months and met someone else and didn't tell me. I had to find out when he came back. He should have just told me.

 

In other words I wasted 5 months waiting around for him while he was cheating on me.

 

I mean could I actually be friends with a person like that? Maybe I should be polite and say that I have moved on and I don't really want to be friends or something.

 

Because, don't get me wrong, I have moved on, but I don't exactly want to go out socialising with him and the girl he left me for. That would still get to me.

[Jerseygirl]

hm..clearly he doesnt deserve ur friendship. Your idea sounds good to be polite and tell him uve moved on and r not willing to be 'friends'