Leveller Posted October 18, 2009 Author Share Posted October 18, 2009 It would seem my situation is far from unique then. Link to comment
Leveller Posted October 18, 2009 Author Share Posted October 18, 2009 It is her birthday tomorrow and she sends me this. 'Op ur goin 2 send me, nice text 2moro as a friend 4r my birthday'. This is pretty much what I expected. Link to comment
WomanWriter Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 No, that sounds demanding. I would just ignore it! Link to comment
mad rabbits Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 she isn't making my life bad because I've chosen (twice) to step away. I have nothing to do with her. Fair enough leveller, but she's still occupying your headspace! You are here posting about her after all... Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 She seems to be controlling your life. If you ask for a b-day wish how real is it then? Why is it so important to her that you be her friend? Do you really need or want a friend like this? Lost Link to comment
Leveller Posted October 19, 2009 Author Share Posted October 19, 2009 All I know is that she has consistently maintained contact with me. I have made my feelings very clear. For god's sake I tod her a month or so ago I still loved her and told her we should have worked and I meant every word. Link to comment
gsxr104 Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 I think you'll see a definate reaction when you lay it all down on the line. Link to comment
quirky Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 OMG, the message she sent you is SO manipulative! I hope=I expect, as a friend=she knows that only in that capacity you can communicate with her. Tell her you'll do whatever YOU want, when you want it and how you want it! By the way, is my ex selfish? hmmm..I've got a lovely little thread I composed some months a go outlining traits of selfish manipulative people Link to comment
Leveller Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 OMG, the message she sent you is SO manipulative! I hope=I expect, as a friend=she knows that only in that capacity you can communicate with her. Tell her you'll do whatever YOU want, when you want it and how you want it! By the way, is my ex selfish? hmmm..I've got a lovely little thread I composed some months a go outlining traits of selfish manipulative people ] After wishing her a happy birthday and a brief text exchange I told her tonight I wanted to cut all ties and she said 'don't be awful to me'. I've been VERY clear all along. Why she persists and/or is trying to turn me into a 'friend' is beyond me. If she does this again I've got to tell her where to go. I find the whole thing bizarre. Then again it's her birthday and I wasn't going to get much sense from her. I really don't want anything to do with her at this point. I've also tried to make this clear. This was the first time we'd talked in a month but I KNEW she'd contact me and I KNOW she will again. This is a silly stupid game we're playing...a month ago she got jealous over an old ex of mine. She has invariably been the one to break NC since I got back in touch in July. Why does she persist? She wants her cake and eat it. I have never been in a situation likes this before. What exactly does it mean to have your cake and eat it? Link to comment
Queen1607308152 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Some of the post I read on here helps me to understand just how much relationships are crazy. I'm not trying to sound mean but life goes on. Understand that selfish comes from within. If one is selfish they can't understand your feelings because they only care about theirs. The key word here is SELF!! Link to comment
sharples2 Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Your girl sounds just like mine. Honestly you need to ignore her and she will get the hint. I did that to mine. Its going to be her B-day coming up in December. I bet you she is going to be expecting a text from me saying happy B-day. Well she is in for a shock when one doesn't happen. I told her that if she loves me to not contact me. Its been great since cause she wanted to stay friends so I will be there incase she is ever single again. That is what your ex is doing to you. Link to comment
Leveller Posted October 21, 2009 Author Share Posted October 21, 2009 My god Sharples I read your last thread and our ex's do sound so similar. The mind games are very similar. Three things strike me. 1. I think they like the chase and the thought that we are still hung up on them... 2. If they were in such strong relationships why do they continue to contact us and play mind games? 3. The mind games can work both ways. An anecdote: My ex told me she was now 'in love' with the guy she's with but didn't tell me cause she didn't want to hurt me. OK, don't believe this (it was her best friend who 'loves me to bits' who first told me). She might love him but looks rather like the cat who ate the cream and told me (yet again) 'he has fallen for me hook, line and sinker'. They argue regularly and go NC (he gives her the silent treatment). She has frequently called me to her house or to take her out when this has happened and stupid boy here obliged. Anyway the night she told me this (beginning of Sept) I said fine, no more texts, calls, calling up the house, taking you out for food etc. Anyway I told her I was back in touch with another ex (one who wants me back) and she got jealous. She sen me a text at 2:30am, 7:30am and about four more including 'Don't u love me anymore ha ha?' before I replied with something a bit more mature (she is 45!!!). A week later I broke this when I saw her shopping, I took the shopping back to the house and caught up. She knew I was going away and sent me 7 texts to my 2. Depite what I had said I knew she would contact me again and she did as you know. I just KNEW it. When I asked her to cut all ties two days ago this was the precise response 'Im ok and dont b awful 2 u. Liked the company'. Now what I think will happen is this. She will contact me again. I will reject her and this might then get her head out of her a*s. This whole fake friends bit is a mindgame to keep the thread of contact with me. She will not tell me she misses me even though I know she does. I am certain that she would love me to chase her again and I could see much more of her than I do (which has been nothing but MY choice). I am also pretty damn sure that we would have slept together again and I would have been third man in. I have a funny feeling that should I reject her, then reject her again she could well come after me. As Melrich commented 'It's a basic human response. Have you ever seen two 3 year olds play? Put a piece of paper on the ground. They will ignore it until one of them picks it up. When one does pick it up the other one will then wail like a banshee because he/she now wants it. A second ago it was just a piece of paper on the ground. Now that one of them has picked it up it is the most desirable thing on earth. That is how we are programmed'. Rochelle also said on your thread if 'she was so content with the other guy, why is she still talking to you, if you found out your girl was still talking to her ex all the time pretty much, how would you feel and what would you think or why is she with you then?'. Whatever happens I am fine, not blissfully happy with everything, but fine and my life will get better. I can't see my ex's life getting better (for a variety of reasons including her effectively losing her job, money worries, S.A.D. and not going on holidays) and although her bf might be a challenge they hardly appear a match made in heaven and she still wants me in her life (and as far as I know he knows nothing about me). Everytime I have withdrawn my time and attention I have got a reaction. We shall see how this plays out. As we live 30 seconds apart in a small village it is hard to stay away from one another though. Link to comment
sharples2 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Its crazy huh? I never thought I would have to deal with anything like this when it comes to relationships. I was always the one who ended them or never really got close enough to love someone until my ex. My best frined told me that I was late on having a first love. She was always in control of the relationship and I never really noticed. I wanted it to work out more than she did. I wanted to go back to college and she told me that I had to put a ring on her finger in order for me to go back because she didn't trust the other girls there. I read a few books and its always the one who needs it the least has all of the power. There was another reference in there that was close to what you were saying about the paper. If you have a 3 year old and its playing with a new toy. It gets bored of it and tosses it to the side. Another 3 year old comes along and starts playing with that "Old toy". Now all of a sudden the first one wants it back. I didn't really try hard enough to get my ex back when we were both single and I just thought we were going to get back together. I wasn't in a rush and I knew that her and I were both going out on dates with other people. It bothered me a little but I knew that nothing serious would come out of it. It wasn't until I found out that she was dating my manager on a serious level was when I tried to really get her back. I would love to understand what the heck is going on in her head and what she truly means vs what she says. Some girls like to see two guys fight for her. Or to try to have thier ex chase them to help build their ego. I would do so well with not contacting her on a 3-4 month time and we would end up getting in contact with one another and it would be right back to square one. I have given up on trying to read what she is telling me or her texts. Enough time has gone by where I have stopped reading into what she tells me cause it is just a waste of time. Where has it gotten me, no where. The just want to be friends card is BS. I guess to really get them to come back is to completely walk out of their life. If you were really that important to them and they wanted to make it work they would come chasing after you or try to start again. If they don't then you are in a better place to move on without them trying to mess with your head any more than they have already. I am glad that I was able to go through this whole learning process because it will make me a stronger person and to know what to look out for in my next relationship. The whole outlook on the next relationship is "If it doesn't workout then no biggie" no matter how much I like/love the person. I won't allow myself to become too attached to them. What helped me was the ability to let go and to stop trying to hold on to something that I have no control over. Wish them the best of luck cause I know that both of them will not last long. Her new BF just got out of Divorce and the stats on that is their first relationship is just someone that gets used(my ex) to be their healing rebound GF for the time being, then she will get tossed to the side once her BF has fully recovered. If could last 6 months it could last 2 years, but in the end it won't last and I will not be around waiting for that to happen. "When they only hint it means that they are not serious...they just want you to jump at the hint so that they can turn around and say "sorry, not interested, you misunderstood". The hinting is not about stubborness, it is about ego...say just enough to get the dumpee wondering, play on the desires of the dumpee so that they will go out on a limb. Once they know the dumpee still wants them, they are content because they want to FEEL loved but don't want to GIVE love. So don't be fooled by hints. She dumped you...if she really felt she made a mistake she would be calling you up, acknowledging her mistake and asking you about getting back together. Dumpers who are serious about reconciliation do not hint and send vague messages, they get straight to the point and sort it out directly so that there is not a shadow of a doubt that they are sorry and want to try again." Link to comment
Leveller Posted October 23, 2009 Author Share Posted October 23, 2009 Well I didn't expect her to contact me this quickly. I had two texts yesterday. The first asked what I had been up to because she hadn't seen me around. The second threatened to delete my number if I didn't reply. I do want her back and I see no reason why we wouldn't work long term. What would you do in response to these texts, particularly given what's been said on this thread already? Link to comment
sharples2 Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 If you want to work things out with her then I would reply and tell her that you want to meet up to talk. Let her know how you feel about the relationship and what both of you can do differently this time so that I can workout. It just seems like there were some small things that got in the way. Good luck. Link to comment
Leveller Posted October 23, 2009 Author Share Posted October 23, 2009 Hey man, this might be an option but I've tried this before, plus she's still with this other guy who she says she's 'in love' with. Given that she seems determined to keep me in contact with me I have my doubts they are a match made in heaven. My insinct says to reject her and man up but I remain open to suggestions. Link to comment
mad rabbits Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 Rah! I am so frustrated with you leveller. I read what you say and you understand everything that goes on, and yet you go back to picking apart what she is thinking, doing, blah blah blah as if it means anything! YOU KNOW, you get it, so go with that... You are so much smarter than this. Really. Link to comment
Leveller Posted October 23, 2009 Author Share Posted October 23, 2009 Yes but the bottom line is I still want a fresh chance with her. Link to comment
sharples2 Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 I forgot that you said she is with someone else. I wouldn't contact her or reply to her text. The only time I would give her any contact is if she called me and left a voicemail and in that voicemail that she wanted to talk about getting back together. You need to figure out what her intentions are first before you give her any sort of contact. If she was happy with him then she really doesn't need you around or any contact from you. It looks like she really isn't that happy with this new guy but is willing to stay with him. She is just making sure that you don't go anywhere and find someone else incase things went bad. Mine has been doing this for months and I let it happen. I wish I knew the things I do now because I wouldn't of responded to any of it. I would of just walked out and I am betting that she would of broken up with him in fear of losing me. I will say that I had about a 20 min conversation with my ex last night and it really made me look at things differently. I might have gotten the closure I needed. My ex said that there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't think of me. I was the one who helped her get out of a nasty relationship with her previous ex of 10 years. She says that she thanks god for me to come into her life and that I mean alot to her. She said she will always love me and just wants me to be happy. The only thing that I didn't get was when she made a comment about how possesive he is of her. Some guy grabbed her when they were out and he told the guy that he would kill him is he touched her again. She isn't allowed to go out with her friends as much or talk to anyone. If a guy ever bought her a drink he would flip out. She said that he doesn't know that her and I still remain in contact with each other and would flip out if he ever found out. I think that he is this crazy because he walked in on his wife cheating on him and he has really bad trust issues. but that isn't for me to deal with, she needs to see it. The only thing I mentioned to her was that she needs to take is slow with this new guy because he is recently divorced and 90% of relationships right after a divorce do not end up well. If she rushed things with him and got married and had a child and then it turned out like crap then its her fault. I told her that I care about her and that if she ever needed anything that I will be here for her and wished her well. Her big thing is that I am only 23 and she is going to be 28 in December and that she is ready to have kids and start a family and that I am too young. But the new guy is 30 (looks like he is in his 40's) seems because of his age a better option. How long has it been since your breakup? It has been 15 months for me and I am finally starting to feel that I am over/close to being over her at this point. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 Rah! I am so frustrated with you leveller. I read what you say and you understand everything that goes on, and yet you go back to picking apart what she is thinking, doing, blah blah blah as if it means anything! YOU KNOW, you get it, so go with that... You are so much smarter than this. Really. DITTO. Going around in circles isn't going to change who you're dealing with. Link to comment
Thornbirds18 Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 I didn't sense my ex's selfishness until his old love came back into the picture. Both of them are pure selfish animals and care less about my well being. The only thing is to be selfish yourself in terms of this matter. Do whatever makes YOU feel good and have peace, even if that means cutting them off from your life completely. All the best... Link to comment
Leveller Posted October 27, 2009 Author Share Posted October 27, 2009 I'm probably going to get slated for this but... My ex has been contacting me as you all know. Well I had a further text on Friday, then a missed call... I spoke to my friend, who knew the situation, and asked his opinion. He said 'what do you want to do'. I said to go up to her house but if I did I knew what would happen... We talked and I got a lot of issues of my chest which had been bothering me for months and I wasn't very nice to her...and then I was nice(ish). She told me what I already knew that she missed me. Her bf had been giving her the silent treatment for weeks and had missed her birthday. She explained where she felt I had gone wrong and that I wasn't always nice to her which is probably true but then my job was unstable and I didn't know what would happen...I subsequently lost that job when funding for my position ended. One thing I think I finally dispelled was the myth she has cultivated that we are 'worlds apart'. Anyhow we talked and the inevitable happened and we slept together for the first time since May - this is about the 8th time since we split... I made my feelings clear that I want us to get back together and she agreed to come to Rome with me in December. The following day I booked her on the same flight as me. Her bf reappeared the following day and stayed over. My friends think I am a fool. Strangely (or rightly or wrongly) I don't. I've had enough at this point. I have told her twice in the last few weeks that we should cut contact but she has repeatedly contacted me. She thinks I am seeing someone else (I am not but another ex is in the picture) and I said I am not short of female company (which is true although I have not slept with anyone else). Anyway I don't feel as though I have done myself any harm. I feel in control of the situation and knew what I was doing. I will not wait around for her and although I want her back I'm actually not that bothered. I feel sorry for her bf and told her to tell him about me. All that he knows is that there is a [my name] but nothing else. I on the other hand know a great deal about him and their relationship. I think she has boxed herself in to a corner now. I have said everything I wanted to say, and in the way I wanted to say it, and I don't care anymore. I'm sorry but I really don't care. She has done enough and it's about time I turned the tables. I said to her that between us we are making a real mess of things. I'm not proud of this situation but at the same time I think her position is now very fragile. I will wait to see what happens but she has made her bed. This was one of the big reasons her pathetic attempts to keep me around as a 'friend' was a non-starter. This can only end one of two ways. She can stay with him and this will probably come out or she comes back to me at some point and I will make a decision whether to take her back. I was fully prepared to walk away. She wouldn't let me go. Link to comment
123skyscraper Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 leveller, i totally understand your position. i sympathize with you. but you gotta do better than this. cut her out of your life completely if she is as selfish as you say she is. she will never change. you deserve better. cut the drama. the reason i know what you are going thru is i went thru the same thing a few months ago. actually in a way i am still going thru it now. my case is very complicated, so in short the ex dumped me for no real reason, couldnt stand to be alone, started dating a new girl less than a week after me. people told me she's a cheap version of me and he's trying to replace me. all the while he emails me telling me how special i am, how much he loves me, how much he misses me, admitting to find someone else, post their pictures everywhere on facebook. he prob has a phd in manipulation, and i was so in love with the guy that i became totally blind. we talked about marriage, family, kids, house etc. we work at the same company. a month after the breakup i cut off all contacts with him, asked him to never contact me, that i want nothing to do with him, he ignored and kept emailing me, stopping by my house, calling me etc. well i sent him an email telling him i would take him to HR. havent heard anything from him. there was a knock on my door, i think it was him. today i saw him driving by my neighbourhood. yah, am being harassed and stalked. one more contact from him at work and it will be a battle in HR. my point is: you need to make a decision. if i were you, i would walk away from this woman. end of story. no contacts. no explanation. have nothing to do with her. cut the pain. cut the loss. you are better off without her drama. start respecting yourself. she has another bf, and the grass isnt greener (same as my case, a cheap version). she is only keeping in touch with you so that when she feels lonely she can come see you for sex or support or whatever fills her ego. dont let her use you. move on. put your foot down and be a man. Link to comment
Leveller Posted October 28, 2009 Author Share Posted October 28, 2009 She can be selfish but also loving, caring and kind. As for the pain and the loss that largely stopped a while back. If I'm honest I was the one who initiated things this time after her texts and call. I haven't done anything for her for months now and won't do so again (unless she is in real trouble of course). She didn't use me, and hasn't been, if anything I used her. I got to say and do what I wanted to do. That balance has shifted. My words and actions are no longer based on raw emotion and I took no BS off her. The bottom line is I can, will and have been walking away but I still believe we would work long term but if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen... Link to comment
sharples2 Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Leveller you know your ex is just like mine. The best thing I did was finally realize after all this time that nothing has changed. What if there is someone else out there for you that you are missing out on? I wouldn't respond to your ex until she calls and leaves a voicemail that she wants to get back together and thats it. Don't respond to anything else. Make her feel like you are no longer there. If you keep the contact then you will never get her back. She knows that you will be there whenever she wants. If you want, I can forward you a book that I got earlier this year that helped me out with trying to get them back. Opened my eyes to many things. Link to comment
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