Really how does an ugly person find someone?

[notsogood]

What makes you ugly? You don't have to answer if you don't want to. Yea I know it is kinda stupid to just say "confidence" is the answer to everything when things build up your confidence.

[catfeeder]

I guess I should apologise for making the last few posts about me, it wasn't my intention. What I wanted to convey is what I've seen in this site, where one person asks this sort of question, and another responds with "confidence," and one party gets frustraded with this answer, and the other party gets frustraded by the other's frustration, which is what happened just now, admittedly. I was just trying to shed a bit of light of why this happens.

 

Good observation. The reason confidence comes up so often in these discussions is because it is different from looks. So when someone says they're ugly and believes that this precludes them from being attractive, those of us who've loved ugly men are quick to raise, "Not so! I've loved an ugly man. There was something else about him that attracted me..." and in most cases that's his confidence.

 

Well, if he's ugly, then what exactly is he confident about? THAT'S where we're trying to go. He could be confident about anything. I had a crush on a super once because he was confident when he discussed plumbing, and he taught me things I didn't know about the building, and this attracted me to him.

 

He was probably NOT confident about his looks.

 

So the point is, find something to be confident about, and work that thing. Sure, work on your looks to whatever degree you can (then you can be confident that you've done your best with what you've got) and build up your interests and talents to a reasonable degree of confidence in those things. Then go play in that arena. Meet people who share your joys or causes or investments, and you'll do better socially -around- the things that you love enough to develop confidence in.

 

Thanks for hearing me out, and my best,

Cat

[LightbulbSun]

So what you're saying is that, if you're average looking, you have to have something else going for you besides looks?

[sanadee]

So what you're saying is that, if you're average looking, you have to have something else going for you besides looks?

 

 

More often than not, yes.

[catfeeder]

So what you're saying is that, if you're average looking, you have to have something else going for you besides looks?

 

Most people already do have something beyond looks. Whether they're confident in it or not can influence how apparent that 'something' is to anyone else.

 

Perfectly average people find lovers all the time.

[DunwichChild]

What makes you ugly? You don't have to answer if you don't want to. Yea I know it is kinda stupid to just say "confidence" is the answer to everything when things build up your confidence.

 

Meh, I don't know, appropriation of the opinion of others? maybe... I was told I was since I started school until I was 17, it's second nature now.

 

And I guess other thing that irks some is the assumption of being a fat, smelly slacker, which it's understandable to assume and understandable to not enjoy as a description, especially when they've said it's not the case, at least not the trifecta.

 

Good observation. The reason confidence comes up so often in these discussions is because it is different from looks. So when someone says they're ugly and believes that this precludes them from being attractive, those of us who've loved ugly men are quick to raise, "Not so! I've loved an ugly man. There was something else about him that attracted me..." and in most cases that's his confidence.

 

Well, if he's ugly, then what exactly is he confident about? THAT'S where we're trying to go. He could be confident about anything. I had a crush on a super once because he was confident when he discussed plumbing, and he taught me things I didn't know about the building, and this attracted me to him.

 

He was probably NOT confident about his looks.

 

So the point is, find something to be confident about, and work that thing. Sure, work on your looks to whatever degree you can (then you can be confident that you've done your best with what you've got) and build up your interests and talents to a reasonable degree of confidence in those things. Then go play in that arena. Meet people who share your joys or causes or investments, and you'll do better socially -around- the things that you love enough to develop confidence in.

 

Thanks for hearing me out, and my best,

Cat

 

Maybe some guys don't want to be known as "the ugly man I love", such a qualification sounds dissonant. And some guys don't want their immense nose to grow on a woman, or for a woman to love him despite his chinless profile...I would think they would rather be thought as hot without a period of adaptation; most would take it, though, after all no story ever goes as planned.

 

I like the rest of your post, though, it's good advice. Thanks.

[Shinobie]

i think one reason, and no offence to the OP, is that nobody needs to be in a relationship.

 

i think the idea we must continually be in relationships or dating is a social norm, and just something said be society for no reason.

 

if you cannot get a date, so what? it doesn't make you a loser or a bad person. Just focus on things which give you joy, and you would be happy.

 

Also, how old are you? I think younger people value dating more than older people do.

 

For some of us who have never been in a relationship there is that need to be in one. Its hard for people to understand that have already been in a relationship although I know by already have been in one you know what you are getting into. You have to be in the person's shoes who has grown up watching all his friends date and eventually get married which some have already. Where as I haven't done one thing with a girl. It's basically that need to be wanted by someone and it only gets worse with age but I'm only 22. I couldn't imagine how it would be by my 30's and I just hope I'm dead by than. People call people who are dateless losers all the time and put them down. So it's not hard to associate that with someone who is dateless their whole life. Although its like ugliness is a curse and the people better looking than them are no better than them yet society dictates it to feel like it is. I guess I just want to know why I was created ugly and why I feel the need to want to be with someone but there is no way to answer that question.

[StrawberryYogurt]

Meh, I don't know, appropriation of the opinion of others? maybe... I was told I was since I started school until I was 17, it's second nature now.

 

Well, you are 23 now. That's six years since you've last been called ugly. Don't let the past dictate the current or future. Perhaps you are not ugly anymore. I myself was not good looking at all in my teens but I am now for sure.

[dr_styles]

"you need to get there"

"how?"

"By making yourself look more attractive/using correct hygiene and setting goals and attaining them"

 

Well I'd say I'm pretty confident in how I've tried my best with my looks - enough for me to worry much about it because I've done what I can. I'm still aware my "attractiveness" still seems to be pretty low - at least I don't have enough personality to compensate for it. Haha believe me I do take care of myself in all the regular ways hygiene, exercise, etc. And look I know I know, some of you have seen my pic and think I look good (thanks) but in the end, I will speak from my eyes.

[DunwichChild]

Well, you are 23 now. That's six years since you've last been called ugly. Don't let the past dictate the current or future. Perhaps you are not ugly anymore. I myself was not good looking at all in my teens but I am now for sure.

 

I think that's just due to most people's inclination of not being much of an ass whipe as they get older.

[notsogood]

Well I'd say I'm pretty confident in how I've tried my best with my looks - enough for me to worry much about it because I've done what I can. I'm still aware my "attractiveness" still seems to be pretty low - at least I don't have enough personality to compensate for it. Haha believe me I do take care of myself in all the regular ways hygiene, exercise, etc. And look I know I know, some of you have seen my pic and think I look good (thanks) but in the end, I will speak from my eyes.

 

Good points and in a way everyone views flaws in themself. Everyone sees things in themself that they thing look ugly when they look in the mirror that other people don't. I dunno just do the best with that God has given you.

 

Some people are meant to be single forever Not because of their looks it just works out that way.

[sanadee]

i suppose i should clarify what i mean by "need".

 

Human beings need closeness with others, this is a given which all persons know and would readily accept.

 

But the idea that we need continual dates is not an innate human need per se. it largely is society that lambasts people for not continually dating, since it looks uncool or loserish. It's kind of, in a way, related to sex. Nobody needs sex, but it is seen as cool in society to sleep around and be a player. Sex is a normal and natural drive, but to say a person has to continually sleep around is false.

 

What i am about to type may be cliche, but there is somebody for everybody. Look at the obese man in Mexico, before he died he had somebody. People with disfigurements still get married and date.

 

the key for them is bringing other things to the table apart from looks/physical attractiveness.

 

I will re-iterate my earlier post, in that a less attractive person has to rely on other parts of their being apart from looks, if s/he wants a date. This could be a sense of humour, a kindly nature, interesting hobbies, a bright attitude, etc.

 

Take today, for example. Have you at work (if you do work) chat to people? or ask them how they are? Do you chat with your co-workers? If not, why not? If you connect with people, then others would think "this is a nice guy, I'll always have time for him".

 

Life may not be wholly fair, but to say an ugly person is wholly precluded from getting a date is IMO false. By emphasising other parts of one's being, other than looks, dating can be facilitated better.

[GernBlanston]

But the idea that we need continual dates is not an innate human need per se. it largely is society that lambasts people for not continually dating, since it looks uncool or loserish. It's kind of, in a way, related to sex. Nobody needs sex, but it is seen as cool in society to sleep around and be a player. Sex is a normal and natural drive, but to say a person has to continually sleep around is false.

Fair enough, though I think this thread is focused more on those of us who can't get any dates rather than some concern about not having dates all the time. Furthermore, sex is a basic physiological need, at least according to Maslow.

I will re-iterate my earlier post, in that a less attractive person has to rely on other parts of their being apart from looks, if s/he wants a date. This could be a sense of humour, a kindly nature, interesting hobbies, a bright attitude, etc.

I agree, there's more to being attractive than just good looks - there's body language, smell, voice tone, etc. Some of us don't have those other things to bring to the table either. I would disagree, though, that a sense of humour, kindliness, etc. are critical to attraction - not sexual attraction anyway. Certainly, these are things we would likely value in the people we spend time with, including our platonic friends. These factors don't apply specifically to those we would like a sexual relationship with.

 

Life may not be wholly fair, but to say an ugly person is wholly precluded from getting a date is IMO false. By emphasising other parts of one's being, other than looks, dating can be facilitated better.

An ugly person is not precluded from getting a date, no. There are those of us who don't have the necessary qualities to be sexually attractive, however.

[sanadee]

Fair enough, though I think this thread is focused more on those of us who can't get any dates rather than some concern about not having dates all the time. Furthermore, sex is a basic physiological need, at least according to Maslow.

 

well, why don't you get any dates at all? if it is looks, then as others have stated there is something one can do to improve one's looks. dress nicely, exercise, have good posture.

 

 

I agree, there's more to being attractive than just good looks - there's body language, smell, voice tone, etc. Some of us don't have those other things to bring to the table either. I would disagree, though, that a sense of humour, kindliness, etc. are critical to attraction - not sexual attraction anyway. Certainly, these are things we would likely value in the people we spend time with, including our platonic friends. These factors don't apply specifically to those we would like a sexual relationship with.

 

Says who? relationships are more than about sex. Sexual attraction is relative though, and in some degree can be influenced by personality. again, one's look in clothing, hygiene, etc. can influence sexual attraction.

An ugly person is not precluded from getting a date, no. There are those of us who don't have the necessary qualities to be sexually attractive, however.

 

How do you define sexual attractiveness?

 

And if you aren't sexually attractive, how would you circumvent or resolve this problem?

[GernBlanston]

Says who? relationships are more than about sex. Sexual attraction is relative though, and in some degree can be influenced by personality. again, one's look in clothing, hygiene, etc. can influence sexual attraction.

Of course, relationships are about more than just sex. On the other hand, what do you call a relationship when there's no sexual attraction? You call it a friendship. We're talking about getting a date, not about getting friends.

 

How do you define sexual attractiveness?

As I indicated above, and as seen in other threads, sexual attractiveness seems to arise from a combination of factors including looks, body language, smell and voice tone.

 

 

 

 

And if you aren't sexually attractive, how would you circumvent or resolve this problem?

If you're not sexually attractive, you don't have much hope of entering a romantic/sexual relationship. It's pretty much a dealbreaker.

[Shinobie]

When I'm around friends and or at work(currently out of a job atm tho got laid off) I'm always nice and try to have a bright attitude around people. But most of the time people just treat me like a friend and nothing more. When I'm out with friends or something else I'll try to make eye contact with some girls but none look over. I don't usually start talking with co-workers unless they start talking to me first since I'm really shy around people. When girls get to know a nice guy ( especially an ugly one) it seems like they would immediately think of them as a friend and nothing more. I don't necessarily think its impossible to get a date if you are ugly but its extremely hard. Like gern was saying if you aren't sexually attractive who is going to want to date you. I'm sorry for being this way its just hard for me to change.

[sanadee]

so what are you going to do to improve your sexual attractiveness?

[corvidae]

Hi, I'm Matt. I'm 30 and I've never dated, because I'm not very good looking. You think in time you learn to live with it, but you don't. Not really. Coping is tough, but you just do, and sometimes it gets too much, but boo hoo...there's nothing you can do.

[AuthenticAuthor]

It takes great ambition to radically change yourself, and it doesn't just show in your appearance but in your demeanor. Ambition itself is very attractive; it is what shapes us into heroes. Hell, even Sumo wrestlers get dates and that's because they have powerful ambitions both in and off the ring. And in order to have persistent and powerful ambition you must first realize that your attitude affects your chances for success, and that you have total control over your attitude. If you're determined enough, you'll start improving every aspect of yourself until you're confidant you can face just about anyone or anything.

 

I leave it up to your imagination to figure out the best way to do that. Just know that this is achievable, and that the price for it is time, energy and a chance you'll lose sight of the more important things in Life.

[catfeeder]

Yep to the above. The message I'm getting from those who consider themselves unattractive is that it's a fixed decision, and that's that. In other words, there is no room to consider that not everyone views people through the same lens. If you've decided that you must be unattractive, and to ALL people, then there's really nowhere else to go from there unless you're willing to change that belief.

 

Nobody here can encourage or argue you into flexibility about your assumptions. If you decide that they are true, then they become so for you. That's really too bad, but what can anyone else say to change your mind? When we try, we come off as preachy or naive, but the real shame of this is that by deciding you are unattractive, you've made a blanket decision for everyone who crosses your path in the future, and so you behave 'as if' its so--and you make it so. Then you have your evidence to support your decision.

 

Oh well.

[sanadee]

OK, so is the vibe here helping oneself, or wallowing in hopelessness and self-pity?

 

Nothing in life is hopeless.

[GernBlanston]

Fair enough. So, you claim that it's objectively true that someone could find us attractive. We don't, however, believe that this is the case. It's this belief that colours our perception such that we're unable to see any potential interest from someone. That's not entirely unreasonable.

 

However, there is no evidence whatsoever to suggest that anyone could find me attractive. I have no evidence to show that anyone found me attractive in the past and none to show that it might happen in the future. You're suggesting that I'm just not collecting the evidence properly, because of improper assumptions, not that the evidence isn't there. How do I change the belief, then, without having any evidence or being able to collect the evidence to support the alternative belief?

[GernBlanston]

Nothing in life is hopeless.

That's ridiculous. There are such things as incurable diseases.

[waveseer]

That's ridiculous. There are such things as incurable diseases.

 

Which sometimes clear up without warning.

[sanadee]

That's ridiculous. There are such things as incurable diseases.

 

Why is it ridiculous?

 

In the deepest of predicaments, there always is hope of a way out.

 

People in this thread are offering you advice and you aren't taking it up.

 

Now, what kind of advice do you want?