Really how does an ugly person find someone?

[Tnsilverwings]

I am widowed for 3 yrs and will be 4 in February, I have tried to find someone and I know Im not ugly or a hollywood star and I havent found anyone either but Im not giving up. So I dont get another, as long as I keep being me for who I am, showing myself as myself and not someone else , sooner or later I will meet that someone. If not it will be alright. I agree with D_lish, the world is not going to end. Its nice to have a special someone but it will be alright.

[sanadee]

Fair enough. So, you claim that it's objectively true that someone could find us attractive. We don't, however, believe that this is the case. It's this belief that colours our perception such that we're unable to see any potential interest from someone. That's not entirely unreasonable.

 

However, there is no evidence whatsoever to suggest that anyone could find me attractive. I have no evidence to show that anyone found me attractive in the past and none to show that it might happen in the future. You're suggesting that I'm just not collecting the evidence properly, because of improper assumptions, not that the evidence isn't there. How do I change the belief, then, without having any evidence or being able to collect the evidence to support the alternative belief?

 

so what will you do to resolve the situation?

[GernBlanston]

Which sometimes clear up without warning.

In circumstances which are anecdotal and apocryphal at best. There exist situations where the likelihood of change is remote enough to be immaterial. Blind belief in hope is nothing but wishful thinking with no basis in reality. I got us off-topic, however.

Why is it ridiculous?

 

In the deepest of predicaments, there always is hope of a way out.

 

People in this thread are offering you advice and you aren't taking it up.

 

Now, what kind of advice do you want?

so what will you do to resolve the situation?

 

I suppose I'm looking for this kind of advice:

 

How do I change the belief, then, without having any evidence or being able to collect the evidence to support the alternative belief?

[catfeeder]

Fair enough. So, you claim that it's objectively true that someone could find us attractive. We don't, however, believe that this is the case. It's this belief that colours our perception such that we're unable to see any potential interest from someone. That's not entirely unreasonable.

 

Almost, just a tweak. It's not just that the belief colors your perceptions to the degree that you can't sense interest from someone, rather it actually blocks your ability to cultivate that interest. In other words, if you decide you're not interesting, then you become uninteresting--and so the world just confirms your decision.

 

However, there is no evidence whatsoever to suggest that anyone could find me attractive.

 

Your expectations ensure your behavior and the messages you send out, so you'll ensure that people won't find you attractive, and then you get to be 'right'. People just respond appropriately.

 

I have no evidence to show that anyone found me attractive in the past and none to show that it might happen in the future.

 

Correct. Follow the stock market, and confirm the statement, "Past performance is not an indicator of future results." Embrace the term, 'late bloomer,' and feel satisfaction in 'getting it now,' instead of hunkering down to nurse regrets about your 'developmental years'.

 

People make changes in their appearance, their interests, their beliefs and their behaviors all the time. They invest, they make mistakes and get hurt all the time. They make continual decisions about what they learn along the way, and those who plod on to try for better eventually land better--or at the very least they ride the wave of interest, focus and optimism while they achieve mediocre.

 

But those who fold, fold. Nobody is going to come along and rescue them for that.

 

You're suggesting that I'm just not collecting the evidence properly, because of improper assumptions, not that the evidence isn't there.

 

No, I'm suggesting that you're generating your own evidence, and it meets your expectations.

 

How do I change the belief, then, without having any evidence or being able to collect the evidence to support the alternative belief?

 

You pull a switchie and build the belief that you can create new evidence, which will support the belief and keep generating more evidence to feed itself. Drop the academic purity of scientific theory, and step into the evil world of business, instead. Use your mind and your creativity to skew the stats and make them say what you want them to say. Experiment with actions to make your equations play out, and learn all you can along the way.

 

You're not publishing a peer reviewed paper, you're living your life. Go abstract, and learn art. Accept mistakes as tests of what works and what doesn't, and keep moving forward to test new ideas. Don't let yourself get stalemated--read books about people you admire, and notice how full the pages are of all their failures. Learn what successful people do with those mistakes, and notice especially what they don't do.

 

In your corner.

[sanadee]

well everything has a beginning.

 

start with attitude, mentality and mindset.

[GernBlanston]

Almost, just a tweak. It's not just that the belief colors your perceptions to the degree that you can't sense interest from someone, rather it actually blocks your ability to cultivate that interest. In other words, if you decide you're not interesting, then you become uninteresting--and so the world just confirms your decision.

Ah, got it. That's an important distinction.

 

 

Follow the stock market, and confirm the statement, "Past performance is not an indicator of future results." Embrace the term, 'late bloomer,' and feel satisfaction in 'getting it now,' instead of hunkering down to nurse regrets about your 'developmental years'.

Well, we have no indicator of future results other than past experience. It could be said that our predictions of future results are inaccurate because we have incomplete information, which is closer to what you're saying. Or, our future results are unpredictable because of random factors. On certain scales, we are able to see patterns in systems and formulate theories as to how they develop. That's what science is, and it's how we're able to understand the world.

 

You pull a switchie and build the belief that you can create new evidence, which will support the belief and keep generating more evidence to feed itself. Drop the academic purity of scientific theory, and step into the evil world of business, instead. Use your mind and your creativity to skew the stats and make them say what you want them to say. Experiment with actions to make your equations play out, and learn all you can along the way.

 

You're not publishing a peer reviewed paper, you're living your life. Go abstract, and learn art. Accept mistakes as tests of what works and what doesn't, and keep moving forward to test new ideas. Don't let yourself get stalemated--read books about people you admire, and notice how full the pages are of all their failures. Learn what successful people do with those mistakes, and notice especially what they don't do.

 

In your corner.

All good advice, conceptually. It seems to come down to this: keep trying, but try different things. Although I may consistently fail, attempt to convince myself that those failures are only because of certain actions taken on specific attempts, not because of an inherent inability. That's the tricky part. That's where it's tough to make the switchie. If the common factor in all the attempts is me, then it's natural and reasonable to conclude that I'm the problem. I'm not quite sure how to conclude otherwise.

 

Remember that consistent failure does not guarantee eventual success. Those people that are successful may very well simply be beneficiaries of chance. There are books about that, too.

 

In the end, though, your support is much appreciated.

 

well everything has a beginning.

 

start with attitude, mentality and mindset.

Q: "How do I change my attitude, mentality and mindset?"

A: "By changing your attitude, mentality and mindset."

Q: "Huh?"

[catfeeder]

GB, I dunno where you picked up that you're unattractive. You're a blast.

 

Well, we have no indicator of future results other than past experience. It could be said that our predictions of future results are inaccurate because we have incomplete information, which is closer to what you're saying.

 

Too literal. How about just thinking of yourself as a pilot who needs to fly on instruments? You can't see squat. You're above the equator and you keep flying North when you want to land somewhere warm. So change course.

 

Or, our future results are unpredictable because of random factors.

 

We're not trying to predict the future--if you can do that, you'll be awfully rich. Rather, you've just discovered that every time you press A, B pops up, and you hate B. So stop pressing A.

 

On certain scales, we are able to see patterns in systems and formulate theories as to how they develop. That's what science is, and it's how we're able to understand the world.

 

Ha! Darling, anyone who wants to argue attraction as a science with a scientist will lose, so why would I want to do that? Viewing it as science doesn't seem to serve you well, and viewing it as an art form has never failed me--so why not just quit using your brilliance against yourself, and come over to the dark side?

 

Look, I can't speak for you, but if my patterns and habits showed me a world I didn't like, I'd find it liberating to know that I can change them instead of defending the limits of why they must be so.

 

All good advice, conceptually. It seems to come down to this: keep trying, but try different things. Although I may consistently fail, attempt to convince myself that those failures are only because of certain actions taken on specific attempts, not because of an inherent inability.

 

Heh-heh. You have a talent for appearing to try, but your stubbornness can't resist a swipe at making the multidimensional sound ridiculous. If you honestly believe that your attractiveness, or lack thereof, is inherent, then there's not an argument in the world that will convince you otherwise.

 

It's not about running around and trying stupid stuff to set yourself up for failure only to talk yourself into believing that it will 'work' next time, or that manipulations even you don't believe will somehow craft a spell to gain you a win.

 

But you know that already.

 

I think your resistance comes from solidly embedded habits and patterns that you're comfortable with and don't want to change. That's okay, because nobody is forcing you to change anything, and you get to decide if they're bringing you what you want. The only problem comes from trying to defend them when they don't bring you what you want--and this is only a problem because the defense solidifies the allegiance to what does not work.

 

That's the tricky part. That's where it's tough to make the switchie.

 

Oh, let me just interrupt you here to say that when you say, 'switchie,' you're adorable.

 

If the common factor in all the attempts is me, then it's natural and reasonable to conclude that I'm the problem. I'm not quite sure how to conclude otherwise.

 

Well, this isn't about trying to convince you that whatever you're doing or saying or however you're appearing isn't a problem. If you've mistaken all my suggestions as a boildown to some dopamine drip of, 'It's not you--just beee yourself, and your lover will come,' then please as least give me the benefit of rereading my posts.

 

Remember that consistent failure does not guarantee eventual success. Those people that are successful may very well simply be beneficiaries of chance. There are books about that, too.

 

Nobody is endorsing consistent failure. If you believe that you'll fail consistently, then why not just stop cold in your tracks, come up with a list of the Top 10 things you believe that other people do to enhance their attractiveness that you, yourself, do not do? From there, you can debate the merits of those things and decide for yourself whether or not they might be worth pursuing.

 

You're either interested in changing something to get what you want, or you're invested in defending why you will not do that. It's no skin off my back either way.

 

Q: "How do I change my attitude, mentality and mindset?"

A: "By changing your attitude, mentality and mindset."

Q: "Huh?"

 

Priceless.

[sanadee]

You improve your attitude by the following:

 

- thinking positively

- making steps to improve your appearance, by dressing smartly, being in trim.

[dr_styles]

I'm a pretty analytical and logical person too, because 99% of the time that's how things go. I don't think that's something I can change because what makes sense, what has evidence, is always going to be more convincing. I'll try a bit of self-delusion but that only goes so far, and a bit like all those sayings, all those mindsets, you can only do it for so long before it wears off.

 

If the past has some guy being hit on all the time, pretty sure he'll be be confident of his looks in the future. As mentioned a lot, confidence and success are primarily positive feedback type things. It breeds more of it. If you don't have it, all I do is keep looking for that initial win to get some more - and this is what people generally say, basically don't give up - but that's not I'm saying. Sure, I say keep going, but I don't attach this magical claim that somehow it makes me happy or content.

 

I dress smart and look trim. The other I'm getting tired of doing.

[Shudder]

well everything has a beginning.

 

start with attitude, mentality and mindset.

 

 

cant agree more with this. just earlier today i read that if you are unhappy, then naturally you will be depressed and unhappy about various things including yourself. but if you turn that around and are happy, then that in turn will draw others towards you and you will feel good about yourself.

 

i do notice that when i'm happy, people around me are more joyous and i feel better, but when depressed, others pick up very fast on that and avoid me like the plague.

[Shinobie]

so what are you going to do to improve your sexual attractiveness?

 

Well first I'm trying to find something that will help clear up this acne I have which is probably one of the reasons Im having trouble. But the thing is before, when my face was clear I seemed to be getting the same results. I got called ugly by certain people so it gave me the mindset that I'm ugly to everyone which that probably isn't true. Maybe I'm just so forced to think that no girls are looking my way but maybe some were in the past. I've practically forgotten how long I've had acne though and does that make you pretty bad looking or can people see through it? When I get a job again I also need to try to get some better clothes to wear.

[limbo101]

The truth is that just about everyone eventually marries if they want to. So you can and will find someone.

 

 

Not true. I'm 33, dying to be married and have a family, but I can't get a date. The only men attracted to me are men that I am just not interested in, and I am not even picky. But the only ones who want me or grossly unattractive, way too old, or husbands that just want to cheat on their wives. So this is not a true statement...you can't get married just because you want to. Some of us just won't find love, true love, plain and simple. There ARE people in the world that grow old alone, even if they had love, it wasn't TRUE love, so here they are...and I'm pretty sure I will be one of them. Just because it sounds pathetically sad, doesn't mean it can't happen. I'm so tired of hearing "there is someone for everyone" - it's pretty clear there is no one for me.

 

I am "cute" but I am not a 10 by any means and men my age are even pickier about attraction than younger guys. They want a 10. That is what's worth committing to, to them. I'm fine the way I am so I can not provide these men with the damn fairy tale they are seeking. So again, no one out there for me.

[sanadee]

Do you look for dates? Or is it a case of expecting men to come to you?

[limbo101]

Sandee -

 

I've used every dating site out there, multiple times, I've been using the current one for 6 months and I've yet to get a date out of it. The men I like don't write back; if they do write back, it'll be once and they will disappear after. And again, the only men there who like ME are not appealing at all whatsoever...I don't require "drop dead gorgeous"...just average makes me happy. But average, smart, mature and available is 1 hard package to come by.

 

I only get to be out socializing about once a week, because of my crazy work schedule, this is all I have time for. It's just rare to meet someone interesting. However, I met what seemed a "perfect guy" last weekend, until he told me he's married - and after making out with me. It happens sooo rarely, and if it does, there is always 1 reason or another that I can't have the guy - or he's just not into me. The other scenarios are being approached by men that, again, I am just not interested in. I'm not all that picky, but I also know right away if a man is appealing to me.

 

I've done everything I possibly can to fit into my life, to meet someone, if I had more time for things besides work, I might not have this problem - I don't know. I've been searching for a new job that has more convenient hours and such, but it's very difficult right now. I'm stuck with the job I have until a new thing comes along. Until then, my social life suffers, and I'm painfully lonely.

[iwishiknew]

In the majority of the posts on this website on trying to find someone the keyword attraction comes up and without it you basically have nothing. Humans are visual creatures yet the other qualities about a person can make you like someone but they never seem to overshadow how bad looking someone is. Like a person who has never gotten a compliment about their looks or has never had a girl smiling their way and making eye contact in their life? Like who is there to approach when nobody gives you subtle hints because you are bad looking?

 

I never got any good compliments about my looks. Only compliments I was beening told many times that I'm ugly and to short. I never get any smiles from girls either when I'm out or running at the park. When I look at girls trying to make eye contact, they just ignore me and turn their head the other way. They are not interested in me and don't want to give me a chance. After all these yrs since I was a teen and never having a gf or a date, I'm pretty much use to it. It sucks being single and not being able to date but there is not much I can do if I don't have physical attraction. I'm a nice person, I dress up nice, I'm caring, I'm outgoing, I love sports and having fun but I just don't have physical attraction to attract girls. Physical attraction is important key element to have, which I don't.

 

limbo101, I have done online dating for 9 years and I never met any girls from it. I have given up from online dating. Online is a waste of time and money. It is just a looks game.

[Shinobie]

I know its quite unfair how we can be put on this earth lacking attractive facial features yet we still have that need to want to be with someone.

[sanadee]

Why are you so self-pitying?

[corvidae]

He's self-pitying because he can't get a date. Believe it or not, there are men out there who can't get dates and it's not their fault and there is nothing you can do to change it. You can say "come on! do something about it! Don't wallow in self-pity, go out there and take control of your own life." Well, that sounds well and good, but sometimes there really are no options left...you really are at the end of the line, the cards have been dealt and you've got nothing. Is it self-pitying? Or is it just learning to cope with the crushing reality.

[sanadee]

It only compounds the problem. and it's also not good for your own mental health/wellbeing.

[sanadee]

and another thing, what type of women do you approach? Is it 10s? 5s? 2s or 3s? This may be another factor in being dateless.

[GernBlanston]

and another thing, what type of women do you approach? Is it 10s? 5s? 2s or 3s? This may be another factor in being dateless.

Although I'm reluctant to speak for the others, I'm quite sure that excessive pickiness is not our problem. Aside from appropriate hygiene and a personality that isn't completely objectionable, I expect that we would be happy to at least try to start a relationship with any woman who would like us. I know I would.

[dr_styles]

Yeah I put my hand up to that too. Seriously if you were (literally) dateless and still picky ... you're an idiot.

[sanadee]

Although I'm reluctant to speak for the others, I'm quite sure that excessive pickiness is not our problem. Aside from appropriate hygiene and a personality that isn't completely objectionable, I expect that we would be happy to at least try to start a relationship with any woman who would like us. I know I would.

 

so why not have good hygiene?

[GernBlanston]

so why not have good hygiene?

Huh?

 

I have excellent hygiene. That's one of the things I'm actually good at. As a minimum, I would like to date a woman who has good hygiene. I don't really think that's setting my sights too high.

[limbo101]

I have to agree with Corv.

 

It makes me think of all my friends saying "It will happen" and "you just haven't met the right one"...blah, blah, blah...I appreciate their optimism, but what about reality?...Like Corv said.

 

The reality is that not EVERYONE finds someone. Looks don't even always have a thing to do with it. For me that plays into it only part of the way. The rest is a matter of what I want, as well...which is just an average-looking, smart, funny, available guy. My standards just can't get any lower. So, when my friends say such things, I think, hey I'm trying to face reality that I may never find this guy...why can't they face it too? It's just because they don't know what else to say...saying to wait longer is about the most comforting they can get.