Biting the Bullet...

[messedup85]

I went away over the weekend on a trip without my boyrfriend and I had asked him while I was gone if he could clean the house for me because I had so much to do for the trip I ran out of time. Well...when I got home on Tuesday he did do some cleaning but it was far from saying it was clean. So I just decided fine....I will do it tomorrow after work......this is what I have done for three years!!!! But yesterday morining I was just looking around at the overflowing sink of dishes, the scuzzy bathroom, the crap ALL over the place and broke down and cried. I have hit my breaking point on my own actions.

 

So now I want to tell him enough is enough he has had a free ride for long enough and I am sick of being his mother when I should be his girlfriend. He says over and over he appreciates everything I do but I am really feeling taken advantage of and I can't do it anymore.

 

Why I haven't talked yet.....I am afraid of hurting his feelings!!!!! HOW MESSED UP IS THIS!!!! I am dieing on the inside because I am so mad at him and fed up and I can't even tell him this because I may "shatter his whole little world" Obviously I have confrontation issues always have had them so now what I am asking of you fine people? How do I bust in tonight and just spill my heart out to him and tell him enough is enough and have the strength to not crumble???

[Day_Walker]

If you believe that pouring your heart out is going to solve the problem then you are mistaken. All you are going to do is tell him your feelings on the issue. If you want him to help around the house then address that issue, I would avoid crying and being overly emotional. Tell him that he is a grown man and he can start doing things around the house. In fact I would have him pick the things that he wants to do around the house. Then he will know that he has to do these things and he is responsible for them.

[hossman]

I don't know the history, but if he's staying in your place and he's not doing much to help out, and you asked him to clean the place up while you were gone and yet you came home to a sink full of dirty dishes and him saying he "appreciates everything you've done"...well he's no more than a freeloader and you're just enabling his unwanted behavior.

 

It's time to get tough.

[messedup85]

Oh we have been living together for 3 years now!

[DontGetStung]

Probably too far gone now to change, he's gotten too used to you doing these things for him. Like your thread title says, just "bite the bullet" and just continue on as you have, for the duration of the relationship.

[Resolute]

I disagree with DontGetStung, If it bothers you, just ask him if he could do a little more help around the house. Tell him your overwhelmed and its hard to do that all that work alone.

Don't start attacking him with words by saying 'you never do anything' instead say 'I would appreciate it if you could do a little more around the house'.

You get the point, just talk with him and you shouldn't hurt his feelings unless your making an attack on him.

And dont spill your heart, if you start crying over the dishes he may think theres something more going on. But if it really does bother you that badly, then go for it, you have nothing to lose, he won't break up with you when you ask him to pull his own weight.

[kaoticbaby]

And dont spill your heart, if you start crying over the dishes he may think theres something more going on.

i do think there is something more going on, though.

 

i think it's that the OP is feeling very unappreciated in general. there's probably more aspects of their relationship that make her feel this way, but chores are just the tip of the iceberg and the issue most easy to point out physically (just a guess, of course, but i'm giving the OP the benefit of the doubt that she wouldn't cry over dishes unless there was something deeper going on.)

 

my guess is that 3 years in the same house with a girl who does everything for him without ever complaining is allowing him (and probably would make ANYONE, because come on nobody is perfect) take her for granted. if she has confrontation issues, it is likely that she's never made this an issue before and he has simply no idea.

 

am i right OP, that there are other things that he does that make you feel this way, aside from just cleaning?

 

if so, maybe you can elaborate so we can get a better perspective on who this guy is and what can be done to alter this situation a little bit more in your favor.

[Resolute]

You bring up a good point Kaotic, I didn't really think of it that way.

I know i've been backpacking my family and doing all the work for about a year and a half now and it gots me stressed out and beaten. Three whole years of that can probably take it's toll on you, and I just live with my family - If it was with an SO i'd expect some appreciation.

An uncle of mine is like this, they've been married for a good amount of years now, upwards of double digits, and my aunt is an intiresting character. She is a classic example of the learned helplessness theory. It's sad to visit because she's doing dishes and cooking and he's just watching tv all day.

I remind myself to never take anyone or anything for granted, and i'm still guilty of doing it.

Stand up for yourself without making a fight out of it if at all possible OP.

I hope everything goes well.

[messedup85]

There are a few underlying issues of course I don't cry over dishes LOL!! My main issue is that I am too nice with everyone, I put everyones happiness before my own. This is something I NEED to fix. I found a really good book concerning this issue and I am connecting to it very well and I am hoping it can help me get over this issue as well as opening my mouth and saying what is bugging me! Plus I don't think he would get mad at me about asking him to do his share it's that fact that I am inconvinecing him that is holding me back because I AM TOO NICE!!!!! This is going to stop!!! Thanks everyone!

[Ms Darcy]

Make a list of the things to be done and sit down with him to divide them up. Easy right? Good luck!