I hate you all!

[Scorpion Fury]

But where are they? Where are these people who doesn't like to drink there face up? Where are these people who doesn't smoke weed or stuff like that? Where are they?

 

They are everywhere.

 

I like to drink and have a good time. One of my best friends does not drink. She is still social and has many friends. Sometimes when we go out on the weekends, she comes with me. She socializes and has a good time, she is just sober when she does it. Since I know she doesn't drink, most of the time when we hang out we do other things that don't involve alcohol.

 

Are you religious? Do you go to church? What are your favorite movies? Do you like to play or watch sports? Do you like paintball? Do you like archery? What type of music do you listen to? Do you like to read? Do you like hiking or camping?

[doityourself]

I think its the people that are around you, I have a 19 year old niece down in FL and although shes around drugs and all everyday. She chooses to not do drugs, goes to work everyday, she lives in her own house and even supports her little sister (16).

 

I know what your saying, when and where I grew up it was "unnatural" to stay clean not smoke or drink. And I fell into the trap of all that, wish I had the courage and stamina to say no like you.

 

Have you ever thought that these people drink and do drugs because its the way that they cope with thier unfulfilled lives? Maybe thats how they get thru thier days.

[BellaDonna]

But where are they? Where are these people who doesn't like to drink there face up? Where are these people who doesn't smoke weed or stuff like that? Where are they? I tell, you people...they are 10 years away! People around my age gets drunk all time. People around my age love to do certain things! Social norms they call it!

 

During my undergraduate years at college I never "partied" with anyone on the campus. I focused on my assignments and and only surrounded myself with like-minded people. I didn't want to live on campus.

 

You may want to look into commuting to college rather than living on campus, or if you do live on campus, many schools have options for "quiet dorms" where students who don't want to commotion of a typical dorm, can live.

[AllDarkness]

They are everywhere.

 

I like to drink and have a good time. One of my best friends does not drink. She is still social and has many friends. Sometimes when we go out on the weekends, she comes with me. She socializes and has a good time, she is just sober when she does it. Since I know she doesn't drink, most of the time when we hang out we do other things that don't involve alcohol.

 

Are you religious? Do you go to church? What are your favorite movies? Do you like to play or watch sports? Do you like paintball? Do you like archery? What type of music do you listen to? Do you like to read? Do you like hiking or camping?

 

Maybe they are everywhere but you never see them or really hear about them.

 

No, I am not religious. No, I don't go to church...though I like the atmosphere in there..., I don't have any favorite movie, I like watching sports though I never really joined any club who actually did sport, no paintball, no archery, I don't have any particular taste for music, I like to read, and the last one: No, not really...

 

I know you are trying to make me focus on myself...but I don't have that much to say about myself...

 

I think its the people that are around you, I have a 19 year old niece down in FL and although shes around drugs and all everyday. She chooses to not do drugs, goes to work everyday, she lives in her own house and even supports her little sister (16).

 

I know what your saying, when and where I grew up it was "unnatural" to stay clean not smoke or drink. And I fell into the trap of all that, wish I had the courage and stamina to say no like you.

 

Have you ever thought that these people drink and do drugs because its the way that they cope with thier unfulfilled lives? Maybe thats how they get thru thier days.

 

Maybe, but they are not the last to try force you to do what they want you to do...!

 

During my undergraduate years at college I never "partied" with anyone on the campus. I focused on my assignments and and only surrounded myself with like-minded people. I didn't want to live on campus.

 

You may want to look into commuting to college rather than living on campus, or if you do live on campus, many schools have options for "quiet dorms" where students who don't want to commotion of a typical dorm, can live.

 

Hmm, maybe...but don't you distance yourself from others, making it harder to get friends?

[AllDarkness]

Well...that is funny...I don't know how these friends should be even if I had a magic wand to create them. Is that a bad sign?

[doityourself]

You would be amazed at the people that you would want to befriend. Stop looking for that perfect person and just enjoy meeting new people whether you like them or not. Have an open mind to new people and thier attitudes.

 

I also LOVE to read, its my past time. My books are my friends. What kind of books do you like?

[doityourself]

Alcide- sounds like you could use some advice yourself

 

hate will get you no where

[BellaDonna]

Hmm, maybe...but don't you distance yourself from others, making it harder to get friends?

 

I didn't personally feel like it distanced me. I still made friends with people in my classes, etc. It just kept me away from the people that liked to drink upside-down from kegs in their free time.

[spec]

what are you rebelling against? life? everything?

 

i can only say that when i started just going with the flow, really going with the flow, accepting it, without trying to change it, without trying to resist it, without judging it, merely observing it and trying to remain detached from it, then life is actually more interesting...

 

You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait, just learn to become quiet, and still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet....Franz Kafka

[AllDarkness]

It's a good sign that you took the time to consider it. If you don't know what you're after, no wonder you can't find it.

 

I'd suggest you take some time to consider this. Don't look at what others have, just think about what kind of life would make you happy.

 

Keep talking....

 

FE

 

I must admit, I have no idea what to think...

 

You would be amazed at the people that you would want to befriend. Stop looking for that perfect person and just enjoy meeting new people whether you like them or not. Have an open mind to new people and thier attitudes.

 

I also LOVE to read, its my past time. My books are my friends. What kind of books do you like?

 

It is not about me not wanting to befriend other people. I can't find a reason for why people would like me! Most people are conservative when it comes to friendship. They want to stay with the friends they already have so they stick to themselves...those who are not like that has already so many friends that I would be insignificant to them...

 

I haven't any favorite books. I just reading books...

 

I didn't personally feel like it distanced me. I still made friends with people in my classes, etc. It just kept me away from the people that liked to drink upside-down from kegs in their free time.

 

It seems as people has different views on this. Actually a lot of people think it is bad thing to do.

 

what are you rebelling against? life? everything?

 

i can only say that when i started just going with the flow, really going with the flow, accepting it, without trying to change it, without trying to resist it, without judging it, merely observing it and trying to remain detached from it, then life is actually more interesting...

 

You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait, just learn to become quiet, and still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet....Franz Kafka

 

What? I am not sure I understand? Going with what flow?

 

And I don't know about Franz Kafka's life but I know that being quiet and solitary doesn't really make you happy. In fact, quite the opposite.

[spec]

.What? I am not sure I understand? Going with what flow?

 

And I don't know about Franz Kafka's life but I know that being quiet and solitary doesn't really make you happy. In fact, quite the opposite.

 

going with the flow of life....keep a strong and happy vision of a brighter future but in the meantime, just go with the flow that comes to you...do the best you can and then just accept the flow...without rebelling against it

 

quiet in your mind

still in your emotions

solitary to be able to understand yourself

 

to understand what would make you happy, and to aim towards it....you will find out how, when you understand yourself, accept what life gives, and be grateful for anything that you do have, that you take forgranted...eg for me, it's my eyesight...being able to see a tree, being able to see the sun.....my hearing...being able to listen to the birds and to leaves rustling in the trees

[AllDarkness]

.

What? I am not sure I understand? Going with what flow?

 

And I don't know about Franz Kafka's life but I know that being quiet and solitary doesn't really make you happy. In fact, quite the opposite.

 

going with the flow of life....keep a strong and happy vision of a brighter future but in the meantime, just go with the flow that comes to you...do the best you can and then just accept the flow...without rebelling against it

 

quiet in your mind

still in your emotions

solitary to be able to understand yourself

 

to understand what would make you happy, and to aim towards it....you will find out how, when you understand yourself, accept what life gives, and be grateful for anything that you do have, that you take forgranted...eg for me, it's my eyesight...being able to see a tree, being able to see the sun.....my hearing...being able to listen to the birds and to leaves rustling in the trees

 

Well, okay. Sounds a bit religious or something. But it creates more questions than answers...

[AllDarkness]

After all this time, maybe it is better just not to care about other people in general. I mean, people will never accept me anyway. I am and have always been strange, wrong, and a disgrace to the world. Maybe what I should do is to accept the fact that I am alone in this world. It is not about my past. It is about who and what I am now. I will never be accepted, liked, or have any friends. It is just who I am supposed to be.

 

So maybe it is best if I just didn't care about people at all. Hell, if anyone ask me for my help, I would not help them. It is their own problem. Not my problem. Why would I care? They don't care about me anyway.

 

I think I will train that. Trying not to feel anything for other people. Maybe that would make me at least a little bit happier.

[Scorpion Fury]

If you wanna be lonely and miserable, then go for it. But I don't think that's what you want. Someone has to break the cycle, and it's best if it's you kid. Like I have said before, we can only help you so much. You have to be able to help yourself. I don't think turning your heart into stone is going to make you one bit happier.

 

You have no friends, but what opportunities do you have to meet new people? Are you making an effort to make friends? From what you said, no, you're not.

 

How about instead of turning your gold heart into stone, you do the opposite? Help anyone that asks. Smile at everyone you see and ask them how their day is going. Make the effort to reach out to people. You are so afraid of others rejecting you that I know you are pushing people away, whether you see that or not.

 

You have to help YOURSELF, honey. Being reclusive and sad and pulling away from people isn't going to help you become more happy. It's been a major cause of your unhappiness thus far, and it's going to continue to push you deeper in the black hole of depression.

 

Reach out. The world DOES NOT hate you.

[AllDarkness]

Then there is nothing more to say, I guess. My life will be lonely and miserable, I just have to accept that too.

 

I am not sure whether I want any "friends". Maybe all this "I want a friend"-thing is just something I believed would make me happy. Fact is that I don't even know what it feels like having a friend. A clever guy once said that if you really want something, you would just go get it and not think about it.

 

Smile at everyone you see? And ask them how their day is going? I am not that stupid enough to not see that the world doesn't smile back at you. Smiling at people makes people feel uncomfortable making them dislike you even further. So that is probably not going to happen.

 

Fear of getting rejected? There is no fear, only the knowledge that I WILL get rejected.

 

I would rather feel nothing than feel pain.

[BellaDonna]

Then there is nothing more to say, I guess. My life will be lonely and miserable, I just have to accept that too.

 

 

That is the depression talking. Was there something in particular that happened today that triggered those low, self-defeating feelings again, AllDarkess? You were in better spirits a few days ago. Can you pinpoint something that may have brought you back to this place inside again?

 

Smile at everyone you see? And ask them how their day is going? I am not that stupid enough to not see that the world doesn't smile back at you. Smiling at people makes people feel uncomfortable making them dislike you even further. So that is probably not going to happen.

 

I don't think you should smile in situations where it does not seem socially appropriate. Use your best judgement.

 

You don't always have to smile, but the key is not to frown at the world either.

[confused111]

you know i think your are right. i think this world is alot of the time. there are people out there who only care about themselves. tbh i think most ppl only care about themselves.

 

at the end of the day we're all in life alone. and only u have the power to change. u have mentioed genes alot, well i have studied psychology for years and the environment plays a huge part in your life. 'talent' and 'skills' are words used to some up hard work. yes there are people out there who are fantastic at things and dont appear to have worked at anything but there equally ppl who have worked hard for what they got. only u can make a change to ur life.

 

bad things dont need to have happened in ur life to feel this way. everyone copes differently. i think its great that u are reaching out and trying to make that change. u are only 19 years old. so many things can change for u yet.

[doityourself]

See I kinda liked this post.

 

I also have come to the conclusion that I really dont care what people see or think of me. You get what you get with me, dont like it then go somewhere else.

 

I mean hell, whats wrong with me that I cant make friends, Im caring, giving, honest. So Im joining your side when it comes to giving people the hand.

[ceez]

you were almost there you're right you shouldn't care about what other people think of you, and once you start to accept that and do your own thing then you will start to attract other people like you.

[AllDarkness]

So...tomorrow is my birthday. 20 freaking years...what a waste of life.

 

Not caring about what other people think leads to arrogance, does it not? I mean, how can arrogance attract people? Doesn't make any sense...

 

I see not many people are responding anymore. That is probably for the best.

[hockeyboy]

happy early birthday.

 

20 is so young. I'd say 23-26 were my best years.

 

What are your plans for tomorrow?

[ProtestTheHero]

So...tomorrow is my birthday. 20 freaking years...what a waste of life.

 

Not caring about what other people think leads to arrogance, does it not? I mean, how can arrogance attract people? Doesn't make any sense...

 

I see not many people are responding anymore. That is probably for the best.

 

On the contrary -- I've followed this thread with great interest. I could have written this thread 300 times...everything from being messed with, ostracized, beat, depressed, alone, angry, etc. I just have not had much to say because I struggle with the same things. Women around my home town think I'm a joke. I'm the definition of everything that isn't masculine, sexy, hot, or appealing. Wrap all of that up in a tortilla and fill it with a mind that is trying to cope with the reality that I exist in and you can see that we are not very different.

 

I have trained myself not to care about people. I can see, read, or witness tragedy and feel nothing, because I believe that if it were me on the side of the road or coloring some wall, no one would give it a second's thought anyways. I have dismissed people to varying degrees of success. I've found that when I don't respect or care about people I don't respect or care about their opinions. I always thought it was an interesting concept to care for humanity but to not value the opinion's of its "constituents."

 

The reason why I went to college and why I am studying to do well is because I want to put myself in a position, whether it be with status or money, where people will be very hesitant to come out against me. I don't trust people or give them the benefit of the doubt because I know they are self-interested, I know "hot guys" will tear me down in the presence of "hot girls" so that they can demonstrate that their value is above mine. The only thing I have to combat that right now is to make them afraid of me, but I want to progress past that and have object things backing my value, like status and money. Perhaps if you choose to go to college and choose a profession that comes with status and money, you'll find that people will look at you differently. I know that smiling certainly didn't work for me.

 

Happy 20th, dude. I hope you can at least enjoy it a little bit.

[ceez]

Happy birthday!!

[BellaDonna]

Happy 20th Birthday AllDarkness!!!!

 

I still read your thread all the time.

[tiredofvampires]

Another one here who has been following along with you -- with a few intermissions (so I'm catching up).

 

It's your birthday today. I know that when you're as depressed about all your prospects as you feel on a regular basis, a birthday can almost feel like a cruel slap of reality, or a day of mourned losses instead of a celebration of anything. I know because I've had so many of those.

 

But you have to understand that your life is a work in progress here, and perhaps try to see your life as an "undertaking"...a challenge. What do I mean by challenge? I don't mean the kind of challenge where you take off to the blast of a gunshot, and with all the grist of trainings behind you, you burst through a band of tape accompanied by the sound of cheering crowds. I mean the kind of challenge where you don't know what the hell you're doing, and know you don't know what the hell you're doing because there was no damn training manual -- but you commit to becoming a warrior within your own mind. No no has to see this progress, or evaluate you -- no one has to grade it. But you need to stake out a private mission where your only task is to discover yourself a little more every day. I see you doing a lot of that on this thread, whether you realize it or not. You are FAR from unintelligent in the ways you are processing things -- and the questions you are asking are as important, if not more important, than getting immediate answers right now, as frustrating as that sounds (and hey, these are NOT math problems; answers of this nature don't get solved by simple equations of logic or short cuts of calculation). Force does not lend itself to answers out of difficult situations. Be okay right now with just asking tons and tons of questions. Because when you ask the right questions -- this is what I'm finding more and more for myself -- the more you de-limit yourself to what you assumed to be true and thought you knew.

 

Here is an example of one of your very bright questions (and you're being skeptical, which is good):

 

Not caring about what other people think leads to arrogance, does it not? I mean, how can arrogance attract people? Doesn't make any sense...

 

"I don't care what other people think" is a double-edged sword. It can be used for good -- or for real harm. It can be used to stand strong and not be cowed, against the asinine multitudes, or the individuals, who do not treat you with the dignity you deserve. This is called self-respect. Or it can be used as a blunt tool of oblivion and numbness, wherein you make the whole world an enemy instead of picking your battles, tuning out anyone who could possibly be a good influence on you, and turning your sense of inferiority inside-out into superiority. This is called arrogance.

 

Living is a process of learning how to differentiate these, and then picking your battles. And starting to discriminate between the ideas, input, feedback, opinions and thoughts of people who you'd benefit from listening to -- and knowing which ones to reject. Which input, feedback, opinions, etc. are not of service to you. This is a very, very tricky craft -- so much so, I'd call it an art. So you are in fact on the path of becoming an artist...a warrior...in learning the skills of discernment. Discernment about people. This, again, is a process of investigation and therefore NOTHING IS A WASTE (get rid of the word "waste" in your vocabulary about yourself, since with this "project", all you're doing is assessment and re-assessment...and that's really all the task of living is.) It takes a long time to know why you'd care what one person thinks, and why you wouldn't care what another does. The people who demonstrate that they respect your basic dignity, these people you might try to gingerly begin to trust in what they think, to be able to weigh it out with your own thoughts. The people who demonstrate that they don't care about you or your dignity, these people you can completely disregard. And if you're really listening...if you're really paying attention...you'll know which is which. By tuning into how they make you feel, on a gut level...by how they treat other people...by how their priorities match up with yours.

 

So while it may feel easier and better and safer in the short run to stop caring about everyone, en masse...this will also make you feel more isolated and separate. It's like what you've done is amputated part of your foot to get around picking out the shards of broken glass that are stuck in it.

 

This is a refinement process then. You don't have to become arrogant, even if you have righteous indignation. I'm a pretty righteously indignant person at times...but I've over the years come to temper that more with knowing what my cause is, and what it isn't. And to never get complacent with my own anger. I think your "cause" now is maybe not to be defined except as this: to not cave into an apathetic slump of resignation, and continuing to ask some more questions, leaving the door open about what will emerge and who/what will walk through it in your life. That's all. And yet...that's a lot.

 

I also want to say...about school and partying and drinking and the whole "social scene" that comes with college...and being supposedly in one's prime doing such things. This is a quick curriculum vitae of my "wild life":

 

-- Tried desperately to get hooked on cigarettes early in high school. Rode my bike to parks to sit alone, choking on smoke so I could eventually look cool to cool people (this was terminated by an ODing chain-smoking incident where I passed out)

 

-- Took a drag on a joint in high school on the way to a concert with friends, felt nothing except kind of nervous and fearful that it was a "gateway" drug and that I was "experimenting with drugs"...very, very cool

 

-- Got completely hammered at a beach party (still high school) with friends and my serious boyfriend, to the point that I couldn't walk and was peeing my pants...came home wondering why that was supposed to be so much fun, I felt so out of control

 

-- Various sleepovers with girlfriends involving wine coolers

 

-- College: turned down offers to parties to study, because I wanted a clear head for class and also I knew by that time that alcohol was a cheap shot at fun; saw lots of party animals on campus and just felt really relieved I was completely out of the running, since alcohol was such a big let down. I didn't dorm on campus, except for a couple of semesters, and really never integrated as part of dorm life...and nor did I care to. I liked loud music, but only with friends who liked me, too. (And real friends are hard to find, even if you make some casual ones, so don't confuse having a wild social persona with having really great friends.) I liked the cafeteria all-you-can-eat buffet -- eating ice cream for breakfast if I liked was awesome. I liked to be with people, but only if we had things in common and they also cared about my well-being. I went through most of college floundering with deep self-esteem issues (that I'm still working out...work in progress, as I said), but one thing I did know: partying it up and being a typical college kid doing all that stuff did not constitute a genuine experience for me, or real connection with people and in fact, I felt it to be rather a generator of untrustworthy interpersonal connections. I knew deep down I couldn't find what I needed with people in such situations...they only made me feel invisible, vulnerable (trying to be invulnerable!), part of a herd, like a poser or just plain ridiculous. It was a relief to realize I was terminally "different". It freed up a lot of wasted energy I'd been expending for the decade prior, trying to make it to cool, hip and "normal."

 

And guess what? I'm here to say that on the other side of that, it's no loss at all. Twenty years from that time...I can tell you I don't feel I missed out on a lifestyle pinnacle. And I didn't have to wait even 10 years (as you said) to realize I have little regret, or even curiosity about those things I missed. (I do get curious about casual sex, but that's a slightly different beast, and not limited to college life.)

 

I also went into the work force before college for close to 2 years, to defy my parents, who had raised me on a very strict college track. I wanted to work like everyone else, "in the real world"...I wanted to earn my own money, to do things I wanted for a change (since I'd never had the chance under their thumb.) BUT...I also was afraid of what "being an adult" entailed...I didn't feel ready. I didn't have what it took, or so I thought. I didn't want to face it...and didn't think I could cut it in college, it was for "other kids who had their life planned out and together", and I was only a frightened mess...I felt lost about what I wanted to pursue, didn't think I'd ever amount to anything (unlike other people who would be successful)...and just was drifting about on a lonely ocean of fear and doubt. But eventually I did register, on my own terms...and did many things I never thought I could. So as you can see, you don't have to have it all mapped out...just put one foot in, and you're already on the path. Which is not going to be a straight line to finish. Start things even if you feel you're a directionless mess and the way looks crooked ahead. Direction often is shown to you, once you begin.

 

I know when you're this down on your life, it seems laughable that anyone would say this...but the fact you are even alive and thinking at all is a miracle, a mystery, and there will never be another warrior with your particular tasks ahead. I know I haven't given you any concrete advice...but this: persevere.

 

Happy Birthday. I hope today you did something that made you feel a bit better, maybe even fun.