it doesnt seem to be getting better even after 2.5months :(

[LillyLooWho]

Hobbs, I'm not sure that if you hadn't paid her rent she would still be with you. You sound like a nice guy and you just need to find a nice girl, not someone who uses you for what you give them and then leaves. You need someone who is more like you emotionally -- two lovesick puppies.

 

I mean unless we are seriously screwed up, there are people out there who would be happy to be with us. We just have to find them. We are busy looking backwards instead of frontwards. I just don't think we should take all the blame for the relationship going bad. Yes, they broke up with us but that doesn't mean that they didn't do anything wrong. Too many people on this forum are willing to take all the blame. We can't all be jerks. I think we are just looking for a way to control the outcome. It's like we think - if I'm to blame, then I can fix myself, and then there will be no reason he/she won't take me back! They need to do some work too, imo.

[LillyLooWho]

I meant the two lovesick puppies remark as something nice, not sarcastic. I'm a lovesick puppy. There are a lot of us out there.

[prahaguy]

thank you.. your thoughts and words are very helpful.. its been over a week now without any contact with her. usually once or many times per day i have the phone ready to call. so odd how the pain can turn logic/rational thoughts/behavior to such the opposite and almost do things that make no sense. but again, i appreciate all yours thoughts on this. when i think things are getting just a little better, i crash again. this is what confuses me. i'm just waiting for the pain to subside...abit. calling her and hearing her would relieve this for a very short time but then i'm sure i would feel even worse after. i must move forward as best i can.

[prahaguy]

i literally cant take this anymore.. all i do is think about calling her. the thougghts will NOT stop no matter what i do. this is insane.. f it,i gotta call

[LillyLooWho]

The ex is like any other addiction. You know it is better for you to stay away, but you can't. Your brain says no, I want that. If you call I hope it goes well. I figure that the calls are all part of the breakup. It is a process. A breakup takes awhile to become firmly in place. Sometimes it takes months for the breakup, from start to finish. Let us know how the call went. Crossing my fingers for you.

[susie198]

What you're going through is intense physical withdrawal of the brain chemicals that we have circulating when we are in love. These take 3 - 4 weeks to get back to normal. So your reaction is normal. But bear in mind that each time you have contact, you start again at day 1. That is why it seems to be getting worse for you. Because you keep restarting the healing process.

 

That is also why you're feeling the need to call. You are craving your fix - that brief high when you hear her voice. The same thing happens when you get an email or a text. Its a brief but beautiful rush - one that our body craves because we're in withdrawal. That satisfies us for a while, and then again, we start to feel the same craving all over again.

 

Please read up on this. There is a lot of information on the internet about it. There is a very powerful physiological reason why you are struggling like this. You are completely normal - but it is well known that some people suffer more than others from the withdrawal. No two people will have exactly the same response. It would appear that you are one of the unlucky ones - your withdrawal is intense. However, by contacting her periodically, you're going to make your recovery much, much longer. If you want to call her, do some research on this and get an understanding of what you are going through. If you understand it, you'll be better able to control and tolerate the symptoms. Do this for you, because you are important, even if you're not in a relationship with your ex.

 

Secondly, you need to accept that your relationship is in the past. Its over, done, finished. Accept (its hard I know), that it is ok for you to have a life outwith a realationship with your ex. Keep telling yourself that. Live for this hour, the next hour, the next day. Keep your thoughts in the future. When you are tempted to think about your ex. tell yourself its over, finished, done. And focus on what is in front of you right at that moment.

 

Thirdly, set yourself one positive goal a day. It can be small - in fact its better if it is. And keep achieving that little goal your focus for the day. Keep thinking about how you can achieve that one small goal. It may be getting out and going for a walk and talking to one new person who looks interesting, it may be going to visit an old friend for an hour, it could be going to the gym But each day, when you find yourself thinking of the ex, change your focus. Focus your energies and your thoughts on achieving that one small goal. Your confidence is crushed and achieving small goals will help you recover faith in yourself again. If you don't make it the first day, don't give up on yourself, try it again the second day and so on. Never give up on yourself. You can do it.

 

Also, is there anyone you can use as a crutch? Someone who will be there for you, day or night, to talk to you when you get an urge to text or call? Someone who can help you through the first few tough weeks? If you can, find someone, if not, then what you're doing right now, i.e. coming on here, will help.

 

After three to four weeks, the worst of the physical withdrawal will be over. And if you've been working on your goals, you will feel more empowered and able to face your life alone.

 

I can't promise you'll be happy. But you'll have taken some very important steps to being happy again in the future and won't feel so scared about leaving the past in the past, where it belongs.

 

I wish you peace in your heart.

 

Susie198

[kalikat]

wow - you are exactly where I am right now! All I can think of doing is calling him. I know I shouldn't - but the pain is so huge! and the tears never seem to stop. He broke up with me about 3 months ago. I have been crying ever since (at least that is what it feels like. And the pain feels like a huge rock just sitting on my chest, suffocating me.

He wasw always the one I turned to for comforting. And now when I need it more than ever, he's not there. it is excruciating.

I will make you a deal: You don't call & I won't call.

think that having someone to depend on

(& vise-versa) may help.

Haven't tried this before. couldn't hurt to try...right?

God knows - I don't know what else to do. I am literally minutes from texting him to see if I can spend some time with him today (ugh!)

[prahaguy]

susie198:

 

fortunately i do have people i can speak with daily.. but only on skype. no one here in prague.. but these people have helped me thoroughly. i've gone 1 week (i didnt call yet) and i can't even imagine another 2 or 3 weeks more. wow. yes, clearly i'm one of these ones who suffers more. which is a real bummer. i'm too damn emotional. way too much. this is killing me. but thank you for your thoughts and feedback. very much. and everyone else here... its really really crazy she is not in my life anymore

[annie24]

hi - i am really sorry to hear all of this. hang in there. there is no defined formula about how long it takes to get over someone. obviously, 4 years is a long time, a huge chunk of your life, and i understand why it hurts - you might have had a future planned with her, a life intertwined with her, and all of a sudden - things are different and she is gone!!!

 

i think that 2 things will be your friend right now- no contact, and lots of distractions. since you don't have many friends in prague, you need to do everything you can to start meeting friends. start attending athetics classes, martial arts, dance classes, language clubs, offer to help out people with their english. go to church, sign up to volunteer, etc.... anything that will help you meet people and make friends. stay busy. whenever the sad thoughts creep back, go watch a funny movie, go to the gym, find something interesting to do.

 

things will get better in time, though i know, not soon enough.

 

good luck

[prahaguy]

whats helping me now is psychotherapy and drugs (valium).. i appreciate everyone here who has been helping me.. i've been a bit selfish not writing to others..just been so consumed by my pain. but &*%#, i miss her

[annie24]

hey, it's ok, take your time. but seriously, are you engaging in some new hobbies, getting out of the house, etc? that will help!