it doesnt seem to be getting better even after 2.5months :(

[prahaguy]

ok.. i was with my ex for 4 years. we split more or less last spring. but it was pretty rough many many months before that.. quite a rough relationship overall.. not one is at fault or to blame. just wasnt working. although i carry quite a lot of guilt feeling i caused much of the problems (by being neglectful and distant ) and this i know,is not healthy to feel. i cannot take the blame...

 

anyway.. it just faded last spring. not really meeting. not intimate. but speaking daily. until around mid July. she wanted to really stop speaking. she sorta shared she met a guy, but i didnt ask much else. she said she was trying to move on..be happy. i can understand this.

 

so..i said F this.. quite quickly got on a plane back to the states (where i'm from) to be with my mother and a very dear friend. for 2.5 weeks. my ex and i were pretty much out of contact. 3 weeks was the longest ever.. which happened during the last 2.5 months. i got back here (Prague) 3 weeks ago. and its been hell for me. actually 97% of the last 2.5 months has been horrendous..

 

i cant stop thinking about her.. i kept calling her. not daily,but every 5 days or so. met her a few times. but clearly she was not into it.. anyway,i know deep down..its not gonna work anyway.. at least,right now. but the pain is great. very great. never do i remember feeling such loss/pain in my 36 years. for sure.

 

so..last i saw of her was 6 days ago. and once again,it was quite clear.. not gonna work. so..here i am 6 days later.. doing my best to heal.. get over this. not contact her. i deleted all facebook photos of her and took her off my skype/ichat.. but damn.. i miss her.

 

it will do nothing to call her. nothing. i know this. so... how do i get thru this? what do i do during these moments of anguish and sadness? how do i re-direct my thoughts? that ache just stays for hours and hours sometimes. i'm not interested in other women at all. the wound is to great and far from healed. but wow.. how long can this take!!?? day in day out.. pain.. but maybe just writing this,thinking this only ignites more pain. it'd be best to focus on the positives of life. yes.. and there are many. oh man. why does life throw such things like this at us? i dont want this pain anymore.. i dont want to cry anymore. i just want to move on. with my life. be strong. be ok with being alone. focus on work/career.. but i'm practically non-functional here. i've thought of returning back to America to be with my family and see a doctor. because sleeping all day is killing me. ofcourse i know i should be active, meeting people/friends, gym, walking around, etc. but i'm so so low, i can't even get to that point. i'm truly lost. and afraid...

[corrin]

Sorry you are going through this. It's easy to tell you time will heal. But hearing that doesn't help you when you are going through that healing time.

 

You say it has been 2.5 months. But it really hasn't because you have been talking to her and seeing her. Every time you do this you are stalling the healing process and you may be reseting the clock (i.e., starting over)

 

With all the times you have contacted her, I suspect she would have shared with you that she is struggling with the break up too. It sounds like she's not saying that. You can assume she is over you and now focus on moving on. Try your best not to think about her and stop communicating with her. Let her know first, so she knows to stop communicating with you.

 

Good luck.

[greensleeves]

Hi prahaguy and welcome to ENA! I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now

 

I know it's a cliche, but time will help you to heal from this. You've made the right decision to have no further contact with her; seeing her and talking to her will only prolong things for you. Good for you for deleting the facebook photos and removing her from skype etc., that's a great step for you.

 

I know that it's really hard when you're feeling depressed to do the things that you know will help you, but maybe try taking one little step at a time. Promise yourself that tomorrow or later today, you'll go for a half hour walk in the fresh air and then force yourself to do it. Tomorrow try to do it again or make plans to call up a friend or go somewhere on your own to distract yourself.

Even though you've been broken up since the spring, you've never really cut ties with her yet and it isn't until you do that completely that you'll really be able to move on. So give yourself some time and you'll get through this in one piece. Just keep trying your best to keep yourself busy and moving forward and it will get better for you.

[LillyLooWho]

I know 2.5 months feels like a long time but it usually take a lot longer than that to get over someone with whom you have been in a multi-year relationship. I agree too with the other posters that you are prolonging the healing process by continuing to see her/call her.

 

For me, what helps is planning a project. It could be anything but if you pick one thing to focus on, it can help to distract you from how many days you haven't spoken to her, etc.

 

I hope you feel better soon. Keep posting if that helps.

[mcgirl]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad right now. It may be a small comfort to know there are lots of people on this site who know exactly how you are feeling. We've been there and slowly but surely, we've all gotten through it.

 

It definitely sounds cliche, but time and distance will help you start to heal. It really hasnt been about 3 mos for you b/c you've been in contact with her, and every time you are - its like ripping a scab off a wound. It starts the healing process all over again.

 

I went through a horrible breakup several years ago w/my ex-fiance. Shattered my world. I could not do NC for the life of me. It was just physically & emotionally impossible. Keeping in contact with him just kept me engulfed in pain. It wasn't till I reached my breaking point and shut him out of my life completely that I was able to start healing. It took several months - but each day things got a little better. It will start to get better for you too.

 

It hurts like hell right now - I know. Be kind to yourself. I understand that for some, forcing themselves to get out of the house, take a walk, interact w/people helped them feel better. For me it didn't. Being out and about bombarded me with constant reminders of my loss and I was just going through the motions. So take baby steps and do what makes you feel ok...even if its just for a few minutes. You will get through this.

[libra89]

hey. everyone has given advice about giving time, being kind to yourself, keeping yourself occupied and so i would not say anymore about those. would like to share something i do everyday to help myself feel a little better.

 

every morning, i would stand at the window and stare at the blue sky for a moment and remind myself how big the world is, how much there is to explore and experience and simply to enjoy the beauty of nature.

 

take good care of yourself, cry if you need to. i always feel better after crying. and we will heal with time.

[prahaguy]

thank you mcgirl... i just want so badly to call her or go see her. it really hurts that she seems to have moved on (although i really dont know this,but feel it).. just seems her healing process is way ahead of mine. the idea that she's functioning and doing normal and maybe spending some time with a guy... makes me completely and utterly sick.. but in many ways..i feel i deserve this. all this. being that i was quite a bad boyfriend many times to her. but maybe i'm forgetting her behavior as well. clearly.it just wasnt working..both of us together. i'm so confused. and hurt. and lonely. also living in a foreign country is very hard. i have some good friends here,but its not the same. i need a hug. some nice physical simple attention. i miss this. my X was the closest person to me in this country. now she is gone

[prahaguy]

thank you all for your kind words...

[susie198]

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. There is nothing worse than feeling that your head is a washing machine going round and round and never stopping. Its so draining, so tiring and so stressful.

 

I've split up with the same guy three times in the last two years. On the first two occassions, he dumped me but continually phoned, texted and generally tried to stay in touch. We got back together, the first time after a few weeks and the second time after a few months. I just couldn't get over him and even though I had major doubts, I went back as the feelings were so strong.

 

This time is the third, and in my mind, the last time. On previous occasions, I have not healed because of continued contact with my partner. I wanted, it, I needed it, but in the end, I've wasted two years of my life with someone I knew after three months was not right for me. This time, I've gone strictly no contact. In four weeks, I'm almost back to normal. I'm dating again, back to the gym, I'm happy either alone or in the company of friends, I'm busy with projects. I've got me back. But the only reason this is working is because I forced myself to accept it is over, done, dead. Finito. And then enforced no contact.

 

Its the only way to heal.

 

Susie

[quirky]

Yeah, I had an adictive on/off situation with my ex, he kept breaking NC every 3-4 weeks. I'm still inlove with him but reason has to go above passion now and no point of contact unless he can offer me what I need. Contacting them just to cry and say I miss you serves no purpose for either party in the end. It's 6 weeks NC now, sucks as you know but in a way leaves no option but to be strong. As they say "if you're going through hell, keep going"

 

I also relate to you being in another country, I know how lonely it can feel. I don't know if it will help you go back to the States. Why are you there? for work? Are you staying with flatmates, on your own?

[prahaguy]

quirky girl:

i moved here 5 years ago.to work.. then met her. everything i see in Prague reminds me of her. everything i live alone.. and feel so incredibly lonely. sure i could go out and find some girl..but this doesnt interest me AT ALL. actually makes me sick to think of touching another woman. and i'm not that busy right now with work. i'm in the process of changing my career here which leaves me too much time to think. i thought to just go home so i can simply hug people i care about. i'm so f-ing tired of this and i'm soooo close to calling her. i feel so emotionally weak. emotionally a weak man. i have such strengths in other aspects of my life..but not in this way

[quirky]

I honestly feel for you..No need to even think of finding anyone else. Don't call her. "If you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting"

 

I understand so well the association of the city with your ex.. Do you like Prague overall? Are you planning on staying there long term? You could definitely go to the States for a short holiday but I have a feeling you'll still be reminded of things when you are back in Prague again. Have you reached out to any friends there? You have to slowly make new associations, gotta be strong here, it's your only option. You are not alone, keep posting here if you're down. You need time and you need to be your own best friend now.

[prahaguy]

quirky girl:

 

i am doing all my best not to call her.. but the moment i get those images (hundreds, maybe thousands of them) of her/us.. i get crazy inside. i'd love if i just simply cried to death and that was it. but its more. its a pure burning feeling deep inside of me. near my heart, somewhere in that region. a horrible pain that i'm sure most of you here know of. and that emotion/feeling is what drives me to some irrational state to get very close to calling. but today i didnt. so its good.

 

i find being this is the most painful experience of my life, that my strength at getting through this is almost nil. i find i am not pushing to fight. but instead, giving up and lying in bed and crying. or reeling those endless thoughts over and over. this is where i must push.. push to the gym. push to meet friends. push to take a walk,etc. but i dont. i dont fight. i quit. and give up. and this is my choice. but a bad one. and an unproductive one. seems i'm used to this behavior for years. quitting early. and not pushing myself hard. now when it comes to an extreme emotional experience..its pure hell.

 

i want to stay in prague. i have a very very good opportunity in a certain career which is just beginning. so for me to run away or wallow in all this insanity is only going to kill this great chance i have. and i do have friends here. but they arent the same as my family or great american friends. so, skype has been a savior here. but a phone call is a phone call. i need to hold people. to feel love.

 

thank you for your words and care. and to all else who writes here. thank you.... goodnight

[BraveStar]

I really do feel for you man. When my girlfriend left me I had to move back and forth from my parents house to the flat I shared with my ex for a month, I hated it. I found that a lot of pain was caused all the uncertainty, for me moving back home was the best thing for me. If you enjoy your job and your life there then moving back to the states may not be the best plan. I'm not saying that everything will be better if you moved away but I find that getting as far away as possible from an ex is the best thing. I hope that you manage to figure everything out and things get better.

[LillyLooWho]

Tomb7, a little compassion please...the guy is really hurting. We've all been there. If you are over your ex of 8 years in four months, I'm not sure how serious you were about her to begin with. Either that or maybe you are just putting on a brave front. Whatever it is, don't rub salt in the wounds. Yes, we all know we have to move on. If it was so fricken simple, there wouldn't be this site to begin with. He will move on once he is able and every day is a new day to move a little bit further away. It's a process.

[LillyLooWho]

Tomb7, that is great that you don't want to be that person, but don't make others feel bad because it takes them longer to move on.

 

I hope you do get over your ex, but I would have more hope for you if you were more humble in your recovery from the relationship. Saying you will never relapse back to it is a lot to live up to.

 

But hey, like I tell everyone on here, I just want you to find peace. There's a seat for every a$$ and I hope we all find our seat.

[Talus]

That's similar to telling a depressed person to snap out of it. Be happy... I see where you're coming from but it's just not that easy mate. Everyone is different. Yes that's what needs to happen, you gotta cut them from your life and look on the bright side but it takes time. Some people do it after a week, some people take a few years. I think one day we all reach that point where we "snap out of it". However when someone is hurting that bad, telling them to do just that doesn't actually help.

[Amazeng]

I wish I could tell you something, anything, to make you feel better. Reading what you've written, it sounds like we're going through the exact same thing. My bf and I started the breakup process a little less than three months ago. Did a lot of back and forth and now haven't spoken in about three weeks. He has emailed a few times and part of me wishes he would stop but part of me doesn't want him to. But the agony that you've described, the everyday pain, the wishing it would stop...I'm there.

 

However, someone earlier posted the suggestion to start a project to focus your mind on something else. I have done this, and I find that when I am engaged in this project, I feel much better. However, it must be a project that's going to move YOU or YOUR LIFE FORWARD in some way. (Not simply passing the time doing a jigsaw puzzle, for example.) This way you can feel like you're sowing seeds into your future, a clean, fresh, future. If you have regrets about how you've been in the past, get a clear picture of who you want to be now, and then be that. What makes you happy? You lived for what -- at least 30 years without this person? You had happy times and a fulfilling life before they came along, didn't you? If not, then that's something to look at.

 

Just wanted you to know that there's someone, and I'm sure many more people, going through exactly what you're going through right now. But we all will get through it, one day at a time. And take it from someone who has started and stopped NC a number of times -- going back to contact is indeed like ripping the band-aid off a wound that hasn't healed. So do yourself a favor and let her go.

[prahaguy]

thanku for that.its nice to have this support here..and even tomb7us, i hear you. for sure.. i'm empty. i miss her...

[prahaguy]

I really do feel for you man. When my girlfriend left me I had to move back and forth from my parents house to the flat I shared with my ex for a month, I hated it. I found that a lot of pain was caused all the uncertainty, for me moving back home was the best thing for me. If you enjoy your job and your life there then moving back to the states may not be the best plan. I'm not saying that everything will be better if you moved away but I find that getting as far away as possible from an ex is the best thing. I hope that you manage to figure everything out and things get better.

 

thanks man. i know moving back won't be the answer. but i guess i feel i just need some nice affection from very close people. today marks 1 full week with any contact with my X. hope you're feeling well..

[atlanticstar]

Hey Prahaguy

 

Welcome to ENA!

 

I think most of us have done the "bad partner" thing at some time in our life. We all get comfy and complacent with things if we're brutally honest. My last relationship was no exception and if I look back now, yes I did some things wrong there and could have improved in a few areas. But what’s done is done and I will only take half of the blame because she wasn’t miss perfect either. You can't punish yourself forever and you must learn to forgive yourself and learn from those mistakes we all make through life.

 

Her healing process may well be ahead of yours if she was emotionally detaching herself towards the end of the relationship (which is what my ex did). If she has moved on with someone else before dealing with the emotional stuff, she is merely wallpapering over her past. When things end with the new guy, she'll potentially have two relationships to grieve the loss of and that will hit her like a ton of bricks.

 

Lots of people say stay busy, do things you like etc etc and that is sound advice. But what you must not do is try to avoid the pain and loss. Its part of the parcel and you have to experience it fully to learn. Trying to block it out or steer around it won't actually help you in the longer term and serves no purpose if you believe in life "lessons".

 

I think the hardest part for me is stopping my brain from replaying everything over and over (like an old video tape) and trying to find "clues" to where I went wrong. Also the "I should have done this..." thoughts do drive you crazy sometimes. It is certainly draining on you emotionally and physically. You have to remind yourself that you don't have a time machine so going over things doesn't really serve a purpose. You cannot change the past.

 

I can understand your thoughts of not wanting to date and this is how you should feel. You shouldn't look for someone else until you are "whole" once again.

 

You mentioned that you have good career prospects where you are, then that is where you're best placed to build a new future. You are right, running away doesn't actually solve anything. You already have some sound knowledge and wisdom inside of you!

 

4 years is a long time. Its going to take quite some time to drain her from your system. There is a "formula" bantered around that it takes half as long to get over someone as the relationship itself. I think there is a little truth in that but we are all individuals so it won't apply to us all. I was with someone for 7 years and it took me around 2 years to get her out of my system completely.

 

Just acknowledge the pain and move forward a day at a time. It will fade as time passes and things will improve for you. Stand still and look around in the meantime. Don't make any rash decisions about anything.

[LillyLooWho]

Great post Atlanticstar. That helped me too. Thanks!

[Hobbes]

Nice post atlanticstar, appreciated it.

 

I think the hardest part for me is stopping my brain from replaying everything over and over (like an old video tape) and trying to find "clues" to where I went wrong. Also the "I should have done this..." thoughts do drive you crazy sometimes. It is certainly draining on you emotionally and physically. You have to remind yourself that you don't have a time machine so going over things doesn't really serve a purpose. You cannot change the past.

 

That is indeed very draining. I get moments where I replay something and suddenly realise something I hadn't before and it's like a quick Eureka! and I feel the urge to write to her that I know that was a bad moment and to explain why I acted that way and how I wouldn't now. Of course I won't, it's just daydreaming really.

 

In the last couple of weeks before she split she said I was a boy and not a man a few times jokingly and I didn't really think much of it at the time but now it's up there in front of me, font size three thousand, a huge warning sign. She made me into that but the worst thing is that I let her. In some ways the replaying helps you to improve yourself for the future when you can see some of the things you did from your now totally different predicament but you are right, not too much point in dwelling in the past too much.

 

I've seen a lot of people say that they change after relationships and improve themselves. The sod's law for me in this is that I have become the person she really wanted all along (probably the person she originally met before she made me grow a vagina) but she doesn't want anything to do with me for now. Who knows with time though. Oh that is not a very NC thing to say now is it. I'm dealing with it.

 

Also, as you said, she was far from perfect either, but I tend to not remember that enough!

 

Hope you are doing ok Prahaguy. I know it's a tough time.

[LillyLooWho]

Hobbs3, It is funny how we adapt to our partner and with some we are more dominant and others more submissive. I wonder how much we actually change though. Maybe we are just more aware of our flaws and can try to moderate them a little. Hey, at least we learn more about ourselves with each relationship and become a better partner in the next relationship. I figure I might have it figured out when I'm 90!

 

Oh yeah, also, it is good for all of us to remember that we were not the only ones at fault in our relationships. Our exs were not angels even if we have forgotten all of the bad stuff. We're all works in progress.

[Hobbes]

Yea this time I will need to change Lilly. I had a 4 year relationship in my 20s with a great girl and she broke up with me and I said 'but you made me exactly how you wanted me to be' and she said 'yes i know..' with a sad look on her face. I didn't see what she meant then as I was too naive. I was a lovesick puppy doormat type.