Playing your cards right, what happens if it works?

[Seraphim]

Well the thing is some of us do not see "getting back together" to be an option. We do have the right to feel that way and express it. We can not say "heyyyyyyyy this is only get back together so get lost if you do not feel the same" It is a public forum where all can say how they feel as long as it is respectful. So we can agree to disagree.

[waveseer]

I think you may be taking the wrong perspective on the original post. A lot of people that want their ex back are blinded by the fact that they want what they can't have instead of wanting their ex back for the right reasons. I think the point of the post was to get people to ask themselves questions before putting all of their heart and soul into getting back together. I don't think all getting back together situations are doomed to fail if it does happen, but I do think it's good to question why people may want their ex back.

 

Thank you. I guess I got tired of watching people get good at getting their exes back only to be hurt a second time. If they had paused for a moment to consider what kind of relationship it would be maybe they would have put more effort into resolving their own issues before embarking on a new relationship with someone more suitable.

[Puckdog27]

Well the thing is some of us do not see "getting back together" to be an option. We do have the right to feel that way and express it. We can not say "heyyyyyyyy this is only get back together so get lost if you do not feel the same" It is a public forum where all can say how they feel as long as it is respectful. So we can agree to disagree.

 

No ones questioning the right to believe that reconciliation isnt an option, we are questioning why people spend time in a forum called "Getting Back Together" telling people not to get back together? Its like me telling you I was a Christian, it didnt serve me, dont waste your time being a Christian.... on a church message board.

[waveseer]

Honestly no. Telling people to not bother is not the spirit of this forum.

 

Encouraging people to make healthy decisions for themselves is.

[Tired Tiger]

Both topics would be about getting back together, no?

 

No. One is about not getting back together (A.K.A. the "Healing" forum).

[Brownstone322]

My point is that if the workaholic or the alcoholic didn't change their underlying beliefs then the same behavior patterns would surface again. If people are unhappy in their relationship, regardless of whether they did the leaving, then it is the underlying beliefs of one or both that need to change.

I think everyone here understands that already. In fact, that theme gets repeated here day after day, and rightly so.

 

Certain behaviors and patterns, however, are much more easily modfied (and forgiven) than others. This thread (initially, anyway) skipped right past that distinction, which is enormously important.

[waveseer]

No ones questioning the right to believe that reconciliation isnt an option, we are questioning why people spend time in a forum called "Getting Back Together" telling people not to get back together? Its like me telling you I was a Christian, it didnt serve me, dont waste your time being a Christian.... on a church message board.

 

The mods can move it if they deem it more suitable for another subforum.

 

Anyone can ask a mod to do that anytime. I couldn't move this topic if I wanted to.

 

Frankly, I find coming to me to do so over and over again quite similar to bullying.

[Seraphim]

I think the OP is making a discovery about herself and is talking about herself. She is also assuming people can make up their own minds about their own situation and can think past a message board. I take what I want from here and disreguard the rest. You are filtering information for people for them, not letting them do it themself.

[Puckdog27]

Encouraging people to make healthy decisions for themselves is.

 

But what if they do make the decision to reconcile and end up spending their lives happy forever? Wouldnt that be the healthiest decision of them all? What if they lived their life lonely and jaded because they never gave their soulmate a second chance because everyone here told them it would result in failure? You learned on your own, why discourage others to learn on their own. Sometimes learning through failure builds better decision making as well and they can fix their own issues. We never talk about our own issues here, only the rotten SOB who is not in ourlives anymore. What if being broken twice helps you understand the crap you brought to the party?

[Puckdog27]

I think the OP is making a discovery about herself and is talking about herself. She is also assuming people can make up their own minds about their own situation and can think past a message board. I take what I want from here and disreguard the rest. You are filtering information for people for them, not letting them do it themself.

 

Actually thats exactly what the OP has done by stating it will fail and people never change.

[Puckdog27]

Frankly, I find coming to me to do so over and over again quite similar to bullying.

 

I never asked you to move it. And lets not start accusing people of bullying. Thats like telling a cop Im afraid my husband will hit me one day, and its bullying in and of itself. I stated my point. I digress.

[Seraphim]

Ok so you assume because someone read something on a message board that one person said they are going to make a life changing decision?????? They better do more thinking than that, dont you think?

[Brownstone322]

Frankly, I find coming to me to do so over and over again quite similar to bullying.

Um, I think it was a rhetorical question, that is, a point for discussion.

[waveseer]

Um, I think it was a rhetorical question, that is, a point for discussion.

 

I think people are afraid to look from vantage points other than their own and they forget that they can simply ignore any topic they do not like.

[Brownstone322]

I think people are afraid to look from vantage points other than their own and they forget that they can simply ignore any topic they do not like.

To be honest, your vantage points don't seem especially flexible either (not that that's important to me). In fact, when someone disagreed with your approach (and his point had merit, although I could take either side), you accused him of "bullying." I don't think I've ever seen anyone else do that.

 

But I'll restate my theme: Your initial comments were so general as to be inconsequential. That said, it has generated lively discussion, which isn't such a bad thing

[waveseer]

To be honest, your vantage points don't seem especially flexible either (not that that's important to me). In fact, when someone disagreed with your approach (and his point had merit, although I could take either side), you accused him of "bullying." I don't think I've ever seen anyone else do that.

 

But I'll restate my theme: Your initial comments were so general as to be inconsequential. That said, it has generated lively discussion, which isn't such a bad thing

 

This is what helps people examine themselves and their relationships. I do think spending some time visualizing the reality of getting back together is appropriate and helpful.

 

I never expected anyone else's reality to mirror my own.

[Seraphim]

I am sure many people do get back together and it works. And kudos to them but you know people DO need to know it often just as much does NOT work. People have to want to change and for the most part most people think they are fine. Sooooooooooooo, to initate any change they have to see something wrong in the first place. This happens sometimes. An overwhelming number of people do not or this place would not be flooded with people with issues from A to Z.

[Brownstone322]

I never expected anyone else's reality to mirror my own.

Actually, the record doesn't bear that out. You offered us this:

 

I believe that most relationships fall apart because of fundamental differences that are hardly ever resolved even when both partners want to resolve them.

 

...

 

If it wasn't worth it before, it won't be worth it again.

These were profound generalizations that, in any kind of peer-reviewed setting, would demand infinitely more support than you have offered. (Or, as my professor for my final grad-school research project liked to say, "Show me your data.") This isn't an academic setting, of course, and standards here are necessarily low, but the support your premise was nonetheless disappointing.

[waveseer]

Actually, the record doesn't bear that out. You offered us this:

 

 

These were profound generalizations that, in any kind of peer-reviewed setting, would demand infinitely more support than you have offered. (Or, as my professor for my final grad-school research project liked to say, "Show me your data.") This isn't an academic setting, of course, and standards here are necessarily low, but the support your premise was nonetheless disappointing.

 

I stated my reality. You stated yours. Perfect. I am not in debate class and I don't have to worry about losing points here.

[Seraphim]

What are the stats for getting back together that works out?

[jasper01]

That was an excellent analysis. So, are you saying that people expect their partners to telepathically know what the issues are and solve them?

 

I would have been jumping for joy at a partner willing to work with me to solve issues I identified and communicated.

 

Nope. What I'm saying is the problem solving strategy of saying to one's partner 'I'm unhappy please fix it', followed by a waiting for things to be fixed is a flawed long term approach.

 

Another problem solving strategy I've seen is a response to the 'I'm unhappy please fix it' strategy. Its' the 'sweep it under the rug and maybe it will go away' strategy. That doesn't seem to work either.

 

One that I know of that works is to say, btw remember we had that issue come up the other day? I kinda figured out what was going on for me but I'd be really interested to hear what was going on for you..

[Brownstone322]

I am not in debate class and I don't have to worry about losing points here.

That much is evident.

 

What are the stats for getting back together that works out?

Never seen any. I'd avoid profound conclusions about that too.

[waveseer]

Brownstone, I totally respect your right to your own opinion.

 

I just wonder why you took all of the "I" statements out of my original post when you quoted it. There were more "I" statement than not, which generally means a person is stating an opinion, not a fact. I think you took my words out of context.

[avman]

Moderator note: I suggest everyone focus on trying to help the OP instead of engaging in pointless arguments with each other over semantics.

[Puckdog27]

With all due respect avman, the OP wasn't asking for help.