Playing your cards right, what happens if it works?

[waveseer]

So lets say you make all the right moves and get back together with your ex. How long will it take before you start to notice why you weren't exactly ecstatic to be with them the first time? I don't think very many people are completely happy with their relationships even if it was their partner's decision to end it, I know I wasn't.

 

I have come to the conclusion that the same things that made me unhappy in my relationship before will make me unhappy in my relationship again if we were ever together again. I believe that most relationships fall apart because of fundamental differences that are hardly ever resolved even when both partners want to resolve them.

 

I have gotten back together with two of the three major relationships in my life and in neither one was the dynamic substantially changed in the long term.

 

If it wasn't worth it before, it won't be worth it again.

[LazyDaisy]

Every situation is different. Maybe the first go round one or the other in the relationship wasn't ready for commitment and after a breakup and then makeup they are ready. Of course, if you just can't stand the way your partner is always late or something of that nature it will irritate you just as much the second time around.

[Mellie]

But maybe they won't be late anymore. Maybe they'll realise what they lost and pull their finger out of their backside.

 

Or maybe they won't. I don't know. That's the ideal scenario though, isn't it?

[waveseer]

Every situation is different. Maybe the first go round one or the other in the relationship wasn't ready for commitment and after a breakup and then makeup they are ready. Of course, if you just can't stand the way your partner is always late or something of that nature it will irritate you just as much the second time around.

 

Yeah, I guess it depends on what I think are fundamental differences. To me, not being ready for a commitment is a symptom of what could very well be a fundamental difference in interest levels or in understanding of what relationships require for maintenance. If someone is only fully aware of how much they want to be in a relationship with me when they aren't with me, then I would likely be taken for granted a second time once they got comfortable and felt safe in the security of the relationship. If someone is unable or unwilling to understand what it takes to maintain a relationship to the point where they were willing to let it go then what makes me think they have really altered their beliefs the second time. Did they suddenly become smarter, humbler, or mentally inspired? I'm thinking no, they simply capitulated to get another chance and their former beliefs about relationship maintenance will resurface somewhere down the line.

[longdist]

Out of curiosity, how much time did you give the breakup before you returned to the relationship? Did either person date someone else in the meantime?

 

I think there is some truth to what you are saying. I've had the same questions run through my head since my breakup. I wasn't happy near the end of it. However, there's also the fact that you won't think anyone or any relationship is perfect while you are in it (at least for long term relationships). I don't know a single person that thinks they found the best person after they have dated or even married a person and have been with them for a substantial time. I think 2 things are required to make it work: 1) willingness to accept the faults/differences in the person and the relationship 2) communication.

 

In my case, I think there are indeed some key ingredients that could make it work (of course I may find out otherwise, since I can't predict the future). These ingredients aren't things that are hard to come by. 1) Communication 2) We both need to show we care 3) Close the physical distance (we were in a long distance relationship)

[kaoticbaby]

i think there are different circumstances. my guidance counselor in highschool is an example (though this is an extreme case.) she was with her highschool sweetheart and broke up during college. years later, they began talking again and eventually got married. if it's a case of maturity and years later you reignite what you had, then it could work. if it's a fundamental difference like you want kids and he doesn't then, no, it can't work.

 

my first ex and i weren't ready to be committed so young. two years later we began talking again, and i saw how much he had matured. i think if i wanted to go back to him, we would be able to make it work this time around. but....i don't. lol.

[waveseer]

But maybe they won't be late anymore. Maybe they'll realise what they lost and pull their finger out of their backside.

 

Or maybe they won't. I don't know. That's the ideal scenario though, isn't it?

 

Being late shows a lack of respect for the other person or people kept waiting. It is self-centered behavior and often is not the only self-serving habit. Unfortunately, not many people can do an about face and realize that the world does not, in fact, revolve around them. They see altering "their basic nature" of being late as a chore, that they are doing you a favor. A favor they will eventually grow tired of performing.

[doiiiieeezie]

Out of curiosity, how much time did you give the breakup before you returned to the relationship? Did either person date someone else in the meantime?

 

I think there is some truth to what you are saying. I've had the same questions run through my head since my breakup. I wasn't happy near the end of it. However, there's also the fact that you won't think anyone or any relationship is perfect while you are in it (at least for long term relationships). I don't know a single person that thinks they found the best person after they have dated or even married a person and have been with them for a substantial time. I think 2 things are required to make it work: 1) willingness to accept the faults/differences in the person and the relationship 2) communication.

 

In my case, I think there are indeed some key ingredients that could make it work (of course I may find out otherwise, since I can't predict the future). These ingredients aren't things that are hard to come by. 1) Communication 2) We both need to show we care 3) Close the physical distance (we were in a long distance relationship)[/QUOTE]

 

Same issues that I face... communication being the big one. I think there are some fundamental issues that you can't get past and in a lot of cases, when you sit down and really think about it, the relationship is over for the better. However... even relationships that were long dead and gone can be revived.

 

Maybe I'm just a hopeless optimist when it comes to this.

[longdist]

Being late shows a lack of respect for the other person or people kept waiting. It is self-centered behavior and often is not the only self-serving habit. Unfortunately, not many people can do an about face and realize that the world does not, in fact, revolve around them. They see altering "their basic nature" of being late as a chore, that they are doing you a favor. A favor they will eventually grow tired of performing.

 

Your basing assumptions on the hypothesis that people can't inherently change. I think it can be very difficult, but sometimes I think a wake-up call can happen. I think I fell into this self-serving category. However, I've been working on changing that habit. It's not easy and I don't think I would have ever put forth the effort without a wake-up call from my ex. However, lately, most of the things I do are for other people. I try make daily compliments to others as well. This is all very uncharacteristic of the way I used to be. Do I find myself reverting back? Yes, every so often. However, I recognize and keep pushing forward. Some of it is setting in and I don't feel like living for others is as much of an effort anymore. Anyhow, that is my own personal experience with changing myself. Otherwise, what hope would I have in any future relationship?

 

So I guess that added one more thing that needed to be fixed in my relationship

[waveseer]

The first gbt was a few months separation and the second was over two years. In both cases other people were in between for at least one of the partners.

 

I agree with you that willingness and communication are key to maintaining a good relationship. My point is that if the readiness, willingness, and ability to be with each other broke down completely once than in all likelihood the same fundamental differences that caused it the first time are still lurking somewhere in the background if not the foreground.

 

So, in the case of an ldr. One might assume that if the distance were closed the problems would be greatly diminished. I doubt this because ever issue that can be addressed near can also be addressed far. I had an ldr and I can assure you it was not the distance which caused the relationship to dissolve, it was an interest deficit. Now, maybe for some people it's more difficult to maintain interest at a distance, but certainly not impossible for the willing. So I must conclude that the interest deficit would be there locally as well.

[waveseer]

i think there are different circumstances. my guidance counselor in highschool is an example (though this is an extreme case.) she was with her highschool sweetheart and broke up during college. years later, they began talking again and eventually got married. if it's a case of maturity and years later you reignite what you had, then it could work. if it's a fundamental difference like you want kids and he doesn't then, no, it can't work.

 

my first ex and i weren't ready to be committed so young. two years later we began talking again, and i saw how much he had matured. i think if i wanted to go back to him, we would be able to make it work this time around. but....i don't. lol.

 

I do think an exception can be made in my theory for people who've not yet reached a maturity level whereby their fundamental beliefs have solidified. But for most people this happens fairly young. I did not always live up to my beliefs, but I've had the same basic beliefs since I became an adult (18), if not before. I also believe that major events or upheavals can rearrange people's fundamental beliefs, however, I do not think they are the rule. Imagine hoping your ex has a major life crisis so they will wake up and smell the roses. Pretty unlikely I'd say.

[coolchick64]

Waveseer, starting that thread on this forum is like waving a red flag at a bull!

 

I tend to agree with you, though . . . (esp. after recent events!) The thing is, relationships always involve conflict, communication, adjustment, so just because you're on one side of a break up or the other doesn't rule out the possibility of eventual success. Sometimes a break can clear the air and make new patterns possible. However, when two people break up, it's usually because the issues are too hard to address for whatever reason---lack of commitment, lack of interpersonal skills, (or in my ex's case, lack of basic humanity)---so, in the end, I have to agree with you. Getting back together is going to be a frustrating disappointment in many cases.

[longdist]

I also think that disinterest can breed disinterest. I think in a lot of cases the interest was there, but disinterest was shown to try to "gain ground" in the relationship. Sometimes, I used it to hurt my ex for something she would do that hurt me, instead of just communicating. So with 2 stubborn people the negative results begin to grow. There was obviously an interest there if the relationship began.

 

Maybe the question should be what caused the disinterest, if it wasn't always there.

[waveseer]

I agree that people CAN change. I also know from experience that most people DON'T change, not in any lasting way. I am so glad that you were able to see what you needed to change and I applaud your effort to become a more giving person. I hope you are enjoying the internal rewards that being of service can produce.

 

I do suspect, however, that the temptation to revert back would be very great with your ex. Maybe not even worth the risk of losing your hard won progress.

[waveseer]

Any relationship can be revived and anyone can choose to ignore the behaviors that they formerly found distasteful. People are far more likely to become more accepting over time apart than any other method of change.

[jasper01]

My thought is the problems that come up are the big, underneath reason we are attracted in the first place. So seems natural to me for those to come up again. I see a difference between wanting to solve a problem and knowing how to solve it. And I also believe I won't learn how to solve problems by avoiding them. One thing I've learned is that waiting for my partner to solve the problem doesn't usually work. And most of the time folks do exactly that - so I see what you're saying. But I believe we have a choice about it.

[waveseer]

Waveseer, starting that thread on this forum is like waving a red flag at a bull!

 

I tend to agree with you, though . . . (esp. after recent events!) The thing is, relationships always involve conflict, communication, adjustment, so just because you're on one side of a break up or the other doesn't rule out the possibility of eventual success. Sometimes a break can clear the air and make new patterns possible. However, when two people break up, it's usually because the issues are too hard to address for whatever reason---lack of commitment, lack of interpersonal skills, (or in my ex's case, lack of basic humanity)---so, in the end, I have to agree with you. Getting back together is going to be a frustrating disappointment in many cases.

 

There are many people who stay in a holding pattern hoping for a reconciliation of their former relationship only to discover what you did, or something eerily similar.

 

I am not trying to bait the bull, I am trying to help those who care to examine their former relationships on a deeper lever to see if they even want another chance. Free the dumpees!

[waveseer]

I also think that disinterest can breed disinterest. I think in a lot of cases the interest was there, but disinterest was shown to try to "gain ground" in the relationship. Sometimes, I used it to hurt my ex for something she would do that hurt me, instead of just communicating. So with 2 stubborn people the negative results begin to grow. There was obviously an interest there if the relationship began.

 

Maybe the question should be what caused the disinterest, if it wasn't always there.

 

I can see where that dynamic would take a heavy toll on a relationship. What did she do that was stubborn? Why didn't you tell her what hurt you?

 

Most relationships never get off the ground if there is disinterest at the beginning, so I can agree that it likely came about later.

[coolchick64]

yes, fly and be free!!!!

[waveseer]

My thought is the problems that come up are the big, underneath reason we are attracted in the first place. So seems natural to me for those to come up again. I see a difference between wanting to solve a problem and knowing how to solve it. And I also believe I won't learn how to solve problems by avoiding them. One thing I've learned is that waiting for my partner to solve the problem doesn't usually work. And most of the time folks do exactly that - so I see what you're saying. But I believe we have a choice about it.

 

That was an excellent analysis. So, are you saying that people expect their partners to telepathically know what the issues are and solve them?

 

I would have been jumping for joy at a partner willing to work with me to solve issues I identified and communicated.

[BlueRizla]

That just reminded me of the first time myself and my ex split up. She ended it as I was really struggling with some issues in my life.So much for compassion. I could see at the time there was work I had to do and I got cracking. On reflection she was critical, abandoning and lacking in accountability but I wasn't fully aware of that then or maybe I was but didnt want to believe it. I just took all the blame on myself and she was happy with that... jeez! I just wanted her back.

 

It was about a 6 week break. The morning we got back together we had a talk for a few hours before I had to fly off to work. The build up had been intense. I knew it was rushed. Just before I left we went for a walk down the beach. I remember walking along being so happy I was with her then suddenly this sense of dread came over me. I didn't say anything but I knew something was up. I connected with my centre and it was a worry that I hadn't done enough work on myself to really make this work again. It was too quick, too soon. I knew my fears had rushed me into this.. but it was mixed up with a fear that she would just leave again, that she would be just as critical again and she would not take the time and effort to really understand me. That she was not going to do any work on herself. Essentially I knew she was too selfish for me and not willing to look inside but I was blinded by love and fear of losing her again and ignored it. I was ignoring my own issue with abandonment and I knew it.

 

When I think about it now it was so prophetic as the same thing happened..just in a different way, and we split 3.5 months later.

 

For me to reconcile with my ex would take some major negative experience in her life to make her look inward and see her faults. It's sad that it may come to that. She just wont do it otherwise. She had a bipolar father and my take is that she had abandonment issues but her mother was solid as a rock...therefore she had this outer shell of unshakable self esteem and self worth and inside she is as messed up as anyone else. She wont go there. I respect that even if I dont like it. Her life works for her so who i am to judge.

[Puckdog27]

Im just curious, you named this thread "Playing your cards right, what if it works?" then you go on to say that reconciliations normally dont work and people almost never change. How does that title fit your view?

[Brownstone322]

These kinda topics always come down to the same old generalizations. What we first need to know are (for openers):

 

1. How long were you together?

 

2. How old are you?

 

3. Why'd you break up? What were the issues?

 

4. What kind of stressors might the two of you have been under at the time?

 

This is the stuff that really matters. If you go back, what will you be going back to? There's a big difference between an abusive relationship and one that simply fell into a rut or was, say, stressed by career commitmets.

 

Then there's the idea that a new relationship will somehow be "better." That too depends on how "bad" the previous relationship actually was. In my particular case -- where the issues aren't especially severe -- I'd much rather reunite with my current ex (whose idiosyncrasies I know and understand) than spend a year or so learning to cope with a whole new set of bad habits from someone different.

[waveseer]

yes, fly and be free!!!!

 

It's not easy admitting that I didn't stand up for myself until it was far too late and my breakdown was in full swing. In my case I was not long out of a marriage where I allowed myself to grow accustomed to mistreatment and manipulation so in my next relationship I fell right into the trap like it wasn't even there.

[waveseer]

Hindsight, if we work hard enough at it, approaches 20/20. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but I'm glad you are aware so you can recognize the signs sooner next time. It sounds like you really care for her.