Playing your cards right, what happens if it works?

[waveseer]

Im just curious, you named this thread "Playing your cards right, what if it works?" then you go on to say that reconciliations normally dont work and people almost never change. How does that title fit your view?

 

Ah, because a great deal of the gbt topics deal with negotiating your way back into your exes life or managing their negotiating their way back into yours.

 

I starting this topic under the premise that the gbt the person is hoping for is successful in an effort to help them dig a little deeper and figure out if they really want to go through all of that based on their findings. I want them to picture themselves back with their ex, not as they wish it would be, but more realistically.

[waveseer]

So how would each of you have to change to make a reconciliation permanent?

[Puckdog27]

Ah, because a great deal of the gbt topics deal with negotiating your way back into your exes life or managing their negotiating their way back into yours.

 

But the whole idea of this forum is to have a sounding board for the issues of negotiating reconciliation, which is a hard road that sometimes leads to failure, and often leads to happiness. Hence the name Getting Back Together.

 

I starting this topic under the premise that the gbt the person is hoping for is successful in an effort to help them dig a little deeper and figure out if they really want to go through all of that based on their findings. I want them to picture themselves back with their ex, not as they wish it would be, but more realistically.

 

I can think of many of my friends who split up and reconcilied, married and are very happy. It seems that you gave reconciliation a shot, it failed, and now you are intent on spreading the message that everyone else will fail as well and people wont change so forget it and move on. Thats not what people are hear looking for, and its not always the case. Its no one job to build a vision in other peoples eyes as to how they should picture their ex and thats only because we are all strangers, nothing more than words on a screen, and we are all hearing only one side of every story. What was realistic to you, may be a different reality for others.

[Tired Tiger]

Waveseer, starting that thread on this forum is like waving a red flag at a bull!

 

bulls... tigers... whatever.

 

That was an excellent analysis. So, are you saying that people expect their partners to telepathically know what the issues are and solve them?

 

Which is exactly why I've been opposed to the blanket mantra of "NC". No telepathy necessary here... just mature communication. Contact is only bad if there's low mutual communication skills, or when one or the other is unable to get past bitterness and resentment.

 

Out of curiosity, if your relationship dogma is so hell bent on 'no second tries', why would you spend a disproportionate amount of time in the "Getting Back Together" forum? Just spreading sunshine?

[Honey610]

I agree with some of the sentiments of this post. Now that the ex and I are completely over, if we actually did get back together, I don't think he has had any self reflection on his behavior. I've done the work on myself and there's probably more for me to do, but I don't think he's worked on himself at all. He still has communication issues. He continues to not answer my questions directly and lets things boil up inside him and when he's reached his limit, he will blurt out all the problems he has with someone and subsequently cut them off. He does not know how to work through issues.

 

He's been in this pattern with all 3 relationships he's had (including myself) and yet, he doesn't see it. So if we were back together, he would probably end up doing the same thing to me again. So no matter who was attempting to reconcile with him, it would be difficult unless he overcame that habit. I hate admitting it cause I care about him so much, but the reconciliation probably wouldn't work... ugh.

[Puckdog27]

Out of curiosity, if your relationship dogma is so hell bent on 'no second tries', why would you spend a disproportionate amount of time in the "Getting Back Together" forum? Just spreading sunshine?

 

My thoughts exactly!

[waveseer]

But the whole idea of this forum is to have a sounding board for the issues of negotiating reconciliation, which is a hard road that sometimes leads to failure, and often leads to happiness. Hence the name Getting Back Together.

 

 

Anyone who has done their due diligence into analyzing their former relationship and still wants it back should not be bothered by a topic encouraging a little imaginative analysis to determine the viability of a second relationship with a former partner.

 

 

I can think of many of my friends who split up and reconcilied, married and are very happy. It seems that you gave reconciliation a shot, it failed, and now you are intent on spreading the message that everyone else will fail as well and people wont change so forget it and move on. Thats not what people are hear looking for, and its not always the case. Its no one job to build a vision in other peoples eyes as to how they should picture their ex and thats only because we are all strangers, nothing more than words on a screen, and we are all hearing only one side of every story. What was realistic to you, may be a different reality for others.

 

Well, all I can say is that in my belief system if they truly are happy now it is because there was no inherent fundamental belief conflict. I am not trying to dispute anything.

[waveseer]

 

Which is exactly why I've been opposed to the blanket mantra of "NC". No telepathy necessary here... just mature communication. Contact is only bad if there's low mutual communication skills, or when one or the other is unable to get past bitterness and resentment.

 

Out of curiosity, if your relationship dogma is so hell bent on 'no second tries', why would you spend a disproportionate amount of time in the "Getting Back Together" forum? Just spreading sunshine?

 

Do you mean disproportionate today or over the last 11 months?

[Seraphim]

I think someone is an EX for a reason and they should stay that way. My parents tried like 5 times at the minimum to make it work over the 17 years they were actually "together". Each time it was pointless.

[longdist]

I can see where that dynamic would take a heavy toll on a relationship. What did she do that was stubborn? Why didn't you tell her what hurt you?

 

Most relationships never get off the ground if there is disinterest at the beginning, so I can agree that it likely came about later.

Well I don't want to hijack this thread too much.

 

The stubborn explanation was meant more as a generality in the fact that we were both stubborn, so neither would give on an issue. So, any minor issue would be amplified until we didn't talk about it. Therefore, we would never resolve discussions. Part of this communication problems stemmed from our long distance relationship. We never wanted to talk about anything serious on the phone and when we'd see each other in person, we tried to cherish the time, rather than bringing up serious topics that weren't fun to discuss. So we were never able to resolve issues about the two of us being stubborn.

 

Why didn't I tell her that she hurt me? I don't know, why didn't I tell her I loved her. These questions haunt me and make wonder about myself and why I wasn't able to communicate with the person I cared most about. I think part of it was the distance. I think in either case she knew inside when she would hurt me or that I loved her, but the lesson has been learned about communication.

[Puckdog27]

Anyone who has done their due diligence into analyzing their former relationship and still wants it back should not be bothered by a topic encouraging a little imaginative analysis to determine the viability of a second relationship with a former partner.

 

 

But again, this board is called Getting Back Together, so that is obviously what the people here want.

[waveseer]

I think someone is an EX for a reason and they should stay that way. My parents tried like 5 times at the minimum to make it work over the 17 years they were actually "together". Each time it was pointless.

 

That must have been very difficult for you to go through. I put my own family through it twice, but certain things did improve, just not for me. I hope they are glad I tried again.

[Brownstone322]

So how would each of you have to change to make a reconciliation permanent?

This isn't an an interrogation (well, I'm not gonna play along as if it were), and "necessary changes" weren't my point anyway. The point was that sweeping generalizations about the efficacy of reconciliation -- without regard to the specific issues that precipitated a breakup -- simply aren't very useful.

 

The advisability of going back to a guy who was consumed with his work and paid you inadequate attention versus one who drank, patronized prostitutes and slapped you around would be considerably different.

[Puckdog27]

I think someone is an EX for a reason and they should stay that way. My parents tried like 5 times at the minimum to make it work over the 17 years they were actually "together". Each time it was pointless.

 

My best friend and his wife split up for a year got back together, got married and are just past 10 years now.

 

An Ex isnt always an EX for a reason. As Brownstone outlined, sometimes there are issues that came into play that may not always be the case down the road. People make mistakes, run away, and then realize things werent so bad. Every case is different. Sorry it didnt work out for your folks, but that doesnt make reconciliation ending in failure a law, or even a theory for that matter.

[Seraphim]

Sometimes people do not want to give up,but you can only be a yoyo for so long before the string snaps. I am glad my mother finally learned that it was not going to work with my dad no matter what they did or changed or tried. Just seeing and living the torture I know if I ever broke up with someone there is no second chance. Saying that it takes a REALLY long time for me to get to that point. Once I am done however that is it I am done and I do not look back.

[longdist]

But again, this board is called Getting Back Together, so that is obviously what the people here want.

 

I think you may be taking the wrong perspective on the original post. A lot of people that want their ex back are blinded by the fact that they want what they can't have instead of wanting their ex back for the right reasons. I think the point of the post was to get people to ask themselves questions before putting all of their heart and soul into getting back together. I don't think all getting back together situations are doomed to fail if it does happen, but I do think it's good to question why people may want their ex back.

[Brownstone322]

I think someone is an EX for a reason and they should stay that way. My parents tried like 5 times at the minimum to make it work over the 17 years they were actually "together". Each time it was pointless.

I'm sorry to read that your parents could not make their relationship work. But that's relevant to me and others here how, exactly? We don't know your parents nor what their issues were.

[Seraphim]

My best friend and his wife split up for a year got back together, got married and are just past 10 years now.

 

An Ex isnt always an EX for a reason. As Brownstone outlined, sometimes there are issues that came into play that may not always be the case down the road. People make mistakes, run away, and then realize things werent so bad. Every case is different. Sorry it didnt work out for your folks, but that doesnt make reconciliation ending in failure a law, or even a theory for that matter.

 

I am talking about MY own belief only. For me I never go backwards. Once I leave that is it.

[waveseer]

I'm sorry neither of you were able to know at the time how large a toll unresolved issues can take on a relationship.

 

I don't think it was the distance, I think it was the lack of willingness to bring up major issues whether in person or from far away. If it's important, it's important. No offense intended.

 

I don't see how you can assume that she knew when she hurt you if you didn't tell her. I also don't see how you can assume that she knew you loved her if you didn't tell her that either. If you can explain that to me I'd be interested.

[waveseer]

But again, this board is called Getting Back Together, so that is obviously what the people here want.

 

I am talking about getting back together and under which circumstances it might be unlikely to work.

 

You are welcome to start a topic describing the circumstances under which getting back together will likely work if my approach bothers you.

 

Both topics would be about getting back together, no?

[Seraphim]

I'm sorry to read that your parents could not make their relationship work. But that's relevant to me and others here how, exactly? We don't know your parents nor what their issues were.

 

Basically my father was and is mentally ill and thought everything he did was ok. He was abusive and nasty and he felt people should put up with that. There is no working with someone like that. I am surprised my mother made it through the on and off years she did.

[Puckdog27]

Both topics would be about getting back together, no?

 

Honestly no. Telling people to not bother is not the spirit of this forum.

[Brownstone322]

Basically my father was and is mentally ill and thought everything he did was ok. He was abusive and nasty and he felt people should put up with that. There is no working with someone like that. I am surprised my mother made it through the on and off years she did.

Then you'd probably agree that "mentally ill, abusive and nasty" are relatively extreme behaviors that, while no doubt tragic for your family, cannot be viewed as bellwethers. Case in point.

[waveseer]

This isn't an an interrogation (well, I'm not gonna play along as if it were), and "necessary changes" weren't my point anyway. The point was that sweeping generalizations about the efficacy of reconciliation -- without regard to the specific issues that precipitated a breakup -- simply aren't very useful.

 

The advisability of going back to a guy who was consumed with his work and paid you inadequate attention versus one who drank, patronized prostitutes and slapped you around would be considerably different.

 

I understand. My point is that if the workaholic or the alcoholic didn't change their underlying beliefs then the same behavior patterns would surface again. If people are unhappy in their relationship, regardless of whether they did the leaving, then it is the underlying beliefs of one or both that need to change.

 

For example, even if it is circumstantial or stress related and there is a reconciliation, if the leaver doesn't change their beliefs about leaving being an effective way to deal with stressful circumstances then their behavior is likely to repeat.

[Puckdog27]

I understand. My point is that if the workaholic or the alcoholic didn't change their underlying beliefs then the same behavior patterns would surface again. If people are unhappy in their relationship, regardless of whether they did the leaving, then it is the underlying beliefs of one or both that need to change.

 

For example, even if it is circumstantial or stress related and there is a reconciliation, if the leaver doesn't change their beliefs about leaving being an effective way to deal with stressful circumstances then their behavior is likely to repeat.

 

But its your contention that people never change.