I want monogomy!

[Jon_Gersham]

First off, I'm twenty years old. I'm in a relationship with a 21 year old and up until the last six months or so, it's been great. When we first started dating, she was "more calm" than I was. She had no "wild oats" whatsoever to speak of, other than to travel (which I wanted to do) and see the world. We've been living together for almost a year now, and engaged for almost that amount of time. Everything in this area of my life would be great, but she's completely changed. Almost a full 180. I'm not big into alcohol, mostly because I don't like the taste. She loves to drink, which I can't stand. I have always wanted a purely manogomous relationship with her. I wouldn't mind her flirting with guys or anything like that. I'm not really the controlling type, or at least I don't think of myself as that person. She's wanting to have multiple partners, up until we get married (she claims). We don't have a date set, and until she revealed this too me, it hasn't been a problem. Since that time, we've both had what we call "fuddies". We've had the same amount, and both of them are our roommates(I don't really like this idea, either). We've particpated in threesomes and foursomes with other people(with us both in them, so far as I know at this point) and our fuddies must be preapproved by the other partner(my terms). I will agree that it can be fun, but still do not feel at all comfortable with our setup at all. When I try to talk to her about it, she gets this really sad look in her eyes and it makes me feel like I'm the bad guy, forcing her to miss out on some important part of life. If I don't talk to her about it she says I get all clingy which I have been sometimes, but she always brings it up when I'm at my least clingiest.

 

My problems with most of this other partner activity are not physical. When compared physically to these people, I stack up really well. I'm in the Army, so a good part of my life is physical training and I apparently have good genes in my jeans (thanks dad ) I still seem to be losing self confidence and ego as this goes on though. I don't like the fact that we have an actual relationship with our fuddies outside of sex, and I especially don't like that we live with them. One of our fuddies(hers) is married and I really don't like that he cheats on his wife all of the time, especially with my fiance. None of our friends act like any of this is a problem, so I really don't have anyone to talk to face to face. I'm at my wit's end.

 

I really don't see this relationship lasting a whole lot longer if it goes this way. Right now, I'm the major breadwinner in my household. My fiance doesn't have a job at the moment, I have two. We both go to school. Our female roomate has a part time job, but she doesn't make enough to put up half the money, so I have to make up the difference. Our male room mate doesn't leave with us seven days a weak, so he just helps a bit with the bills, to the tune of around $150 a month. Right now, I'm the brokest I've ever been in three years, as I'm not on active orders at the moment (I'm National Guard). I work 40 hours a week at wal-mart as well as going to school full time. I feel like I'm killing myself physically to support a lifestyle that is killing me emotionally. I love my fiance, and she still acts like she cares how I feel. I don't want to deny her wild oats just because I don't share them but I feel like it's sabotaging our relationship, if not now then later when we do get married.

 

As I see my options

 

1. I stay with her, and I endure. She gets her wild out and we get married. Everything will be okay, i just gotta make it to that point.

2. I talk to her about it and we either hold back what we do or we stop it altogether. I'm afraid she'd cheat on me (every other girl has) or she'd get fed up with it and we'd break up.

3. I break up with her. All I can really do is leave and live with my dad. He's not a bad man and I wouldn't ever have to worry about money, but he's extremely socially inept (which is weird for a doctor) and I kinda feel that alot of my social awkwardness in my high school years and even some of them now can be brought back to his part in raising me. I'm not sure that I'd be able to make many new good relationships in this environment.

 

I mostly needed this to kinda vent and maybe have some to talk to about this, even if it is just online. Any suggestions or solutions would be great. Thanks in advance for the advice.

[hexaemeron]

I know from reading your post that you don't like the arrangement, but what about it do you not like? I mean, the cheating part from the married fuddy, yes. But I mean between you and her. Is it that you're somehow not enough?

[Jon_Gersham]

Well, while all the sex can be fun, and has been for most of it I just get a weird sick feeling all over. I don't think it would be a problem if I didn't see the huge potentional for her to leave me for these people or for this lifestyle. Her fuddy, a friend of mine (and my only one since we moved to this new place, sorry i didn't mention that) pretty much can walk into a room and get laid at the snap of his fingers. I'm hanging out right now with a girl (who is married, and as of last night is kinda a fuddy of ours) who thinks that she is in love with him. She's not the only one. He's told me stories about times when he's had sex with girls who were cheating on there husbands/boyfriends. He claims I'm a friend he doesn't want to lose and he doesn't mess around with Tab (my fiance) except for when I say it's okay (which I kinda do under my better judment) and without doing anything against mine and her rules. She's not a great liar, but I know he is and I just get scared that there is something more than the sex I know about going on.

 

In addition to this I'm not really all that attracted to my fuddy counterpart (another girl who is head over heels about my fiance's fuddy). When I tried to get a fuddy I actually wanted, someone I had a history (we were in high school together) and that I though that liked me she ended up going off with him instead of me. On top of that, she wanted to keep it a secret, as if I couldn't take the fact that she had sex with him and not me (i was upset because i got rejected, not cause they had sex).

 

sorry for the long reply. I'm longwinded.

[Ms Darcy]

It sounds like you want monogamy where she does not want that. It sounds like you want financial help where she does not give it. And you say you don't see this relationship lasting much longer if she does not change, which she does not want to.

 

Answer: What you do in a relationship that is heading towards nowheresville.

Question: Option number 3 from your original post.

 

Best.

[hexaemeron]

It sounds like you just don't like feeling like second fiddle to your friend. And, honestly, anyone can cheat at any time, regardless of situation. How many people out there think they're getting monogamy, because it's what they've been promised, only to find out they never had it, or lost it?

 

At least this way, it's out in the open and you're a part of the equation. I honestly think it's unlikely that she'll be happy stopping just because you want to stop. It then becomes the allure of the forbidden fruit. Sometimes, people think they need something, and just knowing that they can have it... means they find they don't need it anymore. That might just be the case here.

[waveseer]

The only fuddies I ever knew were fuddy duddies and they were no fun at all.

 

You are a one woman man and therefore you need to find a one man woman to be happy.

[agent1607307371]

Get out now.

 

Some people are made for non-monogamy, and some aren't. You aren't and there's no shame in leaving a relationship that is not fulfilling your needs or one that is making you lose confidence in yourself.

 

I seriously doubt that this set-up will change after marriage.

One of our fuddies(hers) is married and I really don't like that he cheats on his wife all of the time, especially with my fiance.

Seriously, this is messed up. And is not a good sign. If your fuddies have to hve partner approval, why do you think it's ok to approve someone who is married and lying to his wife. Thats a dangerous person to get involved with.

[taya]

it seems like you just want her, and would be satisfied and happy with that. She, however, is not hapy just havin you.

 

Do you really want to be in a relationship where the person always wants someone else and that your never enough?

 

As you said your in the army, im guessing theres the possibility you'd be away for some periods of time? You can almost guarentee it if you are, she wouldn't be 'lonely'...... Im not sure there are many men out there that would be happy with that situation. Also keep in mind with this 'situation'...there is the chance of her falling pregnant with one of her 'fuddies'.....

 

it seems very messy.

[luvanhim2]

It will not stop once you say I do. And have you thought about the damage that your helping someone do to there marriage vows. I'd be afraid of Karma. Nothing about this sounds good.Please tell me that condoms are being used.I feel so sorry for the mans wife. Does she have any idea what type of husband she has. What am I saying, that the saddest part they never do.

 

When you want to get involved with things like this "WHY DO PEOPLE INSIST ON BEING IN RELATIONSHIPS"!!!!!!! This kinda stuff should be done when your fully single with other fully single people,that way nobody has to get hurt.