Why is Sex Important!?!

[greywolf]

And I kinda don't appreciate the comment " would you be happy if he did all the talking with u and sex with someone else" that really urks me! I dislike cheating & I have nothing to worry about

 

I'm a little confused. In your first post you said that you didn't think intimacy was important for a relationship. So what does it matter if he gets it somewhere else?

[Sn0man]

. And I kinda don't appreciate the comment " would you be happy if he did all the talking with u and sex with someone else" that really urks me! I dislike cheating & I have nothing to worry about

I asked if it would become important.

 

In your post, you asked "why can't a couple just talk and do things together without worrying about sex?". You made it clear that sex was not important to you.

 

If that were true, then should he choose to have it with someone else, by your reasoning, that should also not be important - provided he's still talking to you and doing things together.

 

Given your response, (irking you), it obviously is important to you. That being the case, you should know darn well why it's an important part of a relationship, and especially a marriage. If it was not important to you, and indeed, not an important part of a marriage, then how could you call him having sex with someone else 'cheating'?

 

Your logic is seriously flawed in thinking that sex is not an integral part of any human relationship.

[I_Speak_Jive]

I have nothing to worry about

 

Yes, you do... Remember that you are the one who (very unfortunately) had to go through the abuse, but by not doing everything in your power to deal with it, you are imposing the consequences of it on your husband.

 

I am sorry that you are shy and therapy is difficult, but if you love your husband you're just going to have to suck it up and get help. I mean, it's really all primarily for yourself -but if you don't want to do it for you, you really do owe it to him.

 

In my head it really is that simple. It's a question of fairness.

 

Ps.- I don't think people were being flip when they suggested your husband having sex with someone else. If you really don't want to have sex with him and you won't seek help about it or divorce him, you may want to entertain the possibility of laying some ground rules for him to do so -before your entire marriage implodes.

[grymoire]

Well sex is very important because that indicates a very deep level of intimacy between the couple. It also differentiates a guy and a girl that are very good friends. But just friends.

 

Friends can talk, hang out, and do stuff all day. So based on your posts I believe you should have just been friends for life with the person that is now your husband. I am not sure why you got married to him. You should have told him upfront about this 'no sex' deal and asked if he would be your life long friend. But instead you chose to marry him. Why is marriage important? You could have avoided marrying him and just remained friends right??

[HouseKitten]

I dislike cheating & I have nothing to worry about

 

It'd be nice to believe your husband is a saint, but that's unlikely to be the case.

 

If he doesn't get sex from you he's either going to get so physically frustrated that he ends up cheating because he longs for that intimacy and physical passion, which you don't provide, or even worse he'll take your lack of passion for him to mean you don't really love him, and he'll seek more than just physical affection elsewhere - he may well start an affair.

 

At the moment he's being patient. And hopefully if you start to work on your problems then this will never become an issue. But if this carries on, some people would definitely say he was driven to have an affair. Sex is a realistic expectation of a marriage and your dislike of it could lead him to come to any number of conclusions in his own mind.

 

Just never get so lax about your partner that you feel they will tolerate any level of unhappiness just to be with you. They won't.

[WWright502]

He is not the cheating type so i still am not worried about that. I wasnt imposing that sex isnt important because I know it is! I was stating my logic.. WHY is it important?? I know that it is but WHY for a relationship.

 

So to whoever wrote this can talk, hang out, and do stuff all day. So based on your posts I believe you should have just been friends for life with the person that is now your husband. I am not sure why you got married to him. You should have told him upfront about this 'no sex' deal and asked if he would be your life long friend. But instead you chose to marry him. Why is marriage important? You could have avoided marrying him and just remained friends right??

 

HE KNEW UPFRONT ABOUT MY ISSUES! WE DIDNT JUST MEET EACHOTHER ONE DAY & GET MARRIED THE NEXT! WE DATED FOR 4 YEARS .. HE WAS WITH ME THRU EVERYTHING SO NO I DIDNT JUST POP UP THE WEDDING DAY AND SAY "HEY, NO MORE SEX".

[hexaemeron]

You seem really hostile to anyone offering you a different perspective that might help you look at the issue in a positive way. If this is how you approach your issues, I'm not surprised they're still not resolved.

 

In my opinion, right or wrong, you need to cut the defensiveness you've shown here (because if you're doing it here, you clearly do it to the people in your life as well) -- Being abused is an inexcusable violation, and as someone who has been both molested and raped as a young person, I truly share your anger and grief.

 

But anger here isn't productive and just because life dealt you a really unfair hand, that doesn't give you the right to yell at everyone because they're not validating your admittedly wrong viewpoints.

 

You're here to get some insight. So, take that insight for what it is. Without anger, without judgment. Seriously.

[Speranza]

Nobody is 'not the cheating type'.

 

Push them hard enough, and...

 

I never cheated, and always thought it was cos I wasn't the type. However, I was once in the situation where I was unhappy, and it was on offer, and I have never been so shocked as when I found out how much I WAS the cheating type after all.

 

I made the decision not to cheat. But I've never assumed ANYthing about anyone since. It wasn't an easy choice an to be honest it could easily have gone the other way. I realise that just sometimes, people must find it almost irresistible. I'd have had an awful lot of reasons to cheat, I could have justified it pretty well.

 

And tbh your husband certainly could, too. After all, you've cheated him of a sex life. You say he knew of your issues upfront, but you've indicated that he thought you were holding off sex to resume it when you married.

 

When you get to counselling, prepare to hear him being very angry.

[penelope13]

This is a difficult situation both for you and your partner. Let me ask you this:

 

a) do you enjoy holding hands with your partner, to kiss him, be kissed by him, to hug him?

b) how do you define marriage and how do you define cheating.

 

 

I am only asking these question to understand where you are coming from, not to judge you.

 

You know yourself that lack of sex is not the norm in most marriages/ relationships. But the reason why it is important for me might be very different for the next person. For many people it's not only an emotional need, but simple biology and they require it in the same manner as they would need food - it's an intrinsic need, where most people even don't think about why they need it.

[HouseKitten]

He is not the cheating type so i still am not worried about that. I wasnt imposing that sex isnt important because I know it is! I was stating my logic.. WHY is it important?? I know that it is but WHY for a relationship.

 

As everyone keeps saying - intimacy. Sex is an expected part of a relationship, something you normally only share with the person you marry, and anyone entering a marriage is foregoing their ability to ever have sex with anyone else, because they love that person enough to only ever want sex with them. Such a big deal is made of it because hey, it's a big deal. Sex governs so much of what we do. It is important, end of story, for numerous reasons from the physical, the evolutionary, the mental, all of it. It is crucial to a healthy relationship and there are few young couples who would be happy without it, except perhaps for religious or health reasons. Overall, to a normal couple, sex is a central part of how you connect and bond with someone, and denying your partner of it, and claiming not to understand why it's important, is incredibly detrimental to your marriage. As has been said - you don't have sex with your friends, because you're not expected to be as close to them as to your husband. Your husband wants to be close to you, as close as he can be, and you're telling him you don't understand why he would want that.

 

HE KNEW UPFRONT ABOUT MY ISSUES! WE DIDNT JUST MEET EACHOTHER ONE DAY & GET MARRIED THE NEXT! WE DATED FOR 4 YEARS .. HE WAS WITH ME THRU EVERYTHING SO NO I DIDNT JUST POP UP THE WEDDING DAY AND SAY "HEY, NO MORE SEX".

 

Hexaemeron's reply to you about this part of your reply is spot on. You're coming accross as extremely hostile. And it doesn't make a lot of sense - you appear to know that your point of view is illogical, but you're also not willing to accept what others are telling you is the correct viewpoint?

 

No one here is attacking you about this - we're trying to help. This could potentially end your marriage if you don't seek help. That's not an exaggeration. You need to read what people here are saying, take on board their advice, and hopefully seek professional help to get you through this. Being hostile and 'shouting' is only going to alienate the people who are trying their best to give you advice.

[grymoire]

So to whoever wrote this can talk, hang out, and do stuff all day. So based on your posts I believe you should have just been friends for life with the person that is now your husband. I am not sure why you got married to him. You should have told him upfront about this 'no sex' deal and asked if he would be your life long friend. But instead you chose to marry him. Why is marriage important? You could have avoided marrying him and just remained friends right??

 

HE KNEW UPFRONT ABOUT MY ISSUES! WE DIDNT JUST MEET EACHOTHER ONE DAY & GET MARRIED THE NEXT! WE DATED FOR 4 YEARS .. HE WAS WITH ME THRU EVERYTHING SO NO I DIDNT JUST POP UP THE WEDDING DAY AND SAY "HEY, NO MORE SEX".

 

I was the one that said you should have just been friends with him instead of marrying him. I still stand by that regardless of your all caps screaming.

 

Look we are going based on what you wrote here. You mentioned it very clearly why not just talk and do stuff all day and why sex is needed. Friends talk and do stuff all day and do not have sex. That seems like a good deal and I mentioned it.

 

If he knew upfront about your issues and dated you for 4 years then what is the real concern? Is he complaining about the lack of sex? If he is not then what exactly is the problem?

[diabolik]

If he knew upfront about your issues and dated you for 4 years then what is the real concern? Is he complaining about the lack of sex? If he is not then what exactly is the problem?

While sex was not frequent prior to marriage, it sounds like it dropped off considerably after marriage, to the point where it's once every 3 months now. So even though he knew about her past trauma, it seems like he was unaware that their sex life was going to drop off a cliff.

[grymoire]

While sex was not frequent prior to marriage, it sounds like it dropped off considerably after marriage, to the point where it's once every 3 months now. So even though he knew about her past trauma, it seems like he was unaware that their sex life was going to drop off a cliff.

 

Yea, but is he complaining now about the drop in sex life? If he is not and is fine with things the way they are then I do not understand what's the problem.

[BellaDonna]

I don't think they are fine right now. The OP mentioned that they argue about sex.

 

We are always arguing over this sex issue

[grymoire]

I don't think they are fine right now. The OP mentioned that they argue about sex.

 

Then that answers her question.

 

They are arguing because of the drop in sex. If it were not important they would not be always arguing about it. Very clearly the husband is not satisfied.