Guys always come back...

[shikashika]

Ok, first a disclaimer... I know that this is a generalisation... but is only MY generalisation.

 

(I say this because I'm usually one of the first people to point out that generalisations are ridiculous in any thread!

 

Also, this isn't really a question, but a comment about what I've noticed in my life.

 

In EVERY relationship, where I have been 'dumped' the guy has always come back.. or tried to... 2 or 3 times. Most recently a guy that broke up with me 3 YEARS ago!! (the one that brought me to this site over 3 years ago!!)

 

Because it was soooo long ago, and between that time, there have been other guys and other ( even more heartbreaking) breakups (well, only one actually) I honestly dont' care anymore.

 

I can be nice, civil to him.. but honestly... it's so silly.

 

I was out of the country for a while and all of a sudden, he finds out I'm back and is calling and/texting and just coming to where he knows i am and 'hanging out' for hours.

 

Then when he figured out he wasn't going to get any, he sulked off like a 7 year old.

 

The more recent breakup I had... he came back twice, but then changed his mind again when he realised I wasn't going to jump back into it.

 

I can think of a couple more examples from years ago.. where EVERY time a guy has broken up .. he ALWAYS comes back whether it is 3 days, (or in this case) 3 YEARS later.

 

When I've broken up with someone, I'm done, I'm over.. I have NEVER changed my mind

 

I realise this is not always a 'guys do this' or 'girls do that' thing, but since I'm female, I'm only going on what's happened to me. And I'm 32.. so it's not like this is my first boyfriend/date/ etc etc

 

Any thoughts??

[waveseer]

There is something about you they find it difficult to forget.

[shikashika]

There is something about you they find it difficult to forget.

 

Ha! maybe..

 

I just find it absurd that someone would (try to ) come back after 3 years.

 

Or just keep changing their mind.

 

maybe what I'm asking is (guys and gals) What would make you change your mind if YOU were the dumper?

 

I ask that because I would never do that... if it's done.. it's DONE.

 

I have never re-developed feelings for anyone.

[waveseer]

Ha! maybe..

 

I just find it absurd that someone would (try to ) come back after 3 years.

 

Or just keep changing their mind.

 

maybe what I'm asking is (guys and gals) What would make you change your mind if YOU were the dumper?

 

I ask that because I would never do that... if it's done.. it's DONE.

 

I have never re-developed feelings for anyone.

 

Almost every long term relationship I've ended I had just as many feelings as ever but knew that it wasn't going to work out to both of our best advantages.

[shikashika]

Almost every long term relationship I've ended I had just as many feelings as ever but knew that it wasn't going to work out to both of our best advantages.

 

 

see, I guess when I'm done, it's because i've lost all feelings.. none of this "I have feelings but-it-just-can't-work"

 

So I find it hard to understand that concept.

 

If I still have feelings, i want to make it work ( unless they've cheated/abuse or something I have never had to come accross... yet!)

[waveseer]

see, I guess when I'm done, it's because i've lost all feelings.. none of this "I have feelings but-it-just-can't-work"

 

So I find it hard to understand that concept.

 

If I still have feelings, i want to make it work ( unless they've cheated/abuse or something I have never had to come accross... yet!)

 

Most often it's been a case of incompatible or conflicting priorities for me.

[jettison]

I think that if you're classy and you let people go without making too big of a fuss over it, they will come back as long as there was once love there. But if you beg, and grab, and latch on to someone, and cause a scene, and act nasty... not so much. That's how they will end up remembering you.

 

It works the same with men and women though.

[Wolf_22]

Any thoughts??

 

Yes.

 

You attract co-dependent, needy men.

[shikashika]

I think that if you're classy and you let people go without making too big of a fuss over it, they will come back as long as there was once love there. But if you beg, and grab, and latch on to someone, and cause a scene, and act nasty... not so much. That's how they will end up remembering you.

 

It works the same with men and women though.

 

I agree, it probably works the same for men and women.

 

But, why would you break up with someone if you have feelings or them... and how do they resurface?

 

There are many people I've HAD feelings for, but they don't just all of a sudden come back.

 

And, I can be quite blunt sometimes and a bit full on... and I know i've said some sharp words in my time!!

 

I always want everyone to get a long, so I always try to be nice and civil, even if it kills me..

 

I just don't understand the whole changing one's mind thing...

 

how can you have feelings one day, then not the next.

[shikashika]

Yes.

 

You attract co-dependent, needy men.

 

in the most recent one.. ( not the I-came-back-after 3 years one) YES, you are absoluely right.

 

Ahh! (I must have a sign on my forehead or something!!)

[lavenderdove]

It's the 'little black book' concept. When people are lonely, bored, been dumped by someone else, they will frequently try to search for the intimacy (and sex) they had with a woman from the past who is easily called up from that black book.

 

The bad news is most of them are looking for quick sex (hence the pouting) or emotional support until they feel better then off they go again.

 

Unless they are very serious about wanting YOU and wanting to address the problems that led to the original breakup i wouldn't take these kinds of things seriously, other than recognizing you are someone in their little black book that they can call whenever they're lonely, bored, wanting sex, in between women, recovering from a breakup etc.

 

In their minds, it is less work and quicker intimacy than going out and searching up and meeting new women, so they fall back on it during dry spells. Many new women will expect them to date for a couple months before getting to the sex, and they hope an old girlfriend will fall into the routine much quicker! They also may hope to fall back into the hanging out and hooking up stage quickly, rather than spending lots of time and money on formal dates first.

 

I always give these 'repeaters' the bum's rush unless they really have something new to offer me and immediately talk about the breakup and how they were wrong and why. Otherwise it is just all about them meeting some transient need rather than a true interest in building a lasting relationship with me again.

 

And i do think both men and women do this to their exes, though men seem a bit more likely because they have a harder time with long sexual dry spells until a new person shows up than most women do, since women are better at waiting those out due to the influences of testosterone vs. estrogen.

[shikashika]

well not always.. I actually wouldn't mind the sex part.. haha!

 

 

I can think of times when the guy wanted to get back together when we were in a long distance thing... so he couldn't just call back for a quick bit of sex.

 

I would happily have sex with someone ... if it was good!

 

I just can't be bothered....even if i'm gagging for it.. ha!

 

edit: also.. I would NEVER wait 2 months to sleep with someone.. I'm in my thirties, not a teenager. So I don't think it's about dating..

 

I've had guys come back and profess I missed you, bla bla bla even when we were 7000 miles apart. So it's not like they're back for the sex.

[shikashika]

Also, just to add.. I know people ( guys AND girls) go back for sex

 

But this has happened with EVERY guy i have dated.. Every single one.

 

So yeah, i find it sort of amusing.

 

Maybe next time I get dumped, i should just say, "Ok see you in a week or month or whatever"

[waveseer]

Is it possible that although you know you are completely done forever with them you somehow don't communicate this fact in a way they can comprehend it?

[shikashika]

Is it possible that although you know you are completely done forever with them you somehow don't communicate this fact in a way they can comprehend it?

 

well, i guess i think of it as 'they broke up with me' so I don't get why they would come back if it was their decision.

 

I have no idea...

[waveseer]

well, i guess i think of it as 'they broke up with me' so I don't get why they would come back if it was their decision.

 

I have no idea...

 

I know for a fact (because of later communication) that usually at the time of a breakup I give off that 'don't ever bother trying to speak to me again' vibe. I don't think I've ever said those words so it wasn't explicit, maybe I just sounded done?

[shikashika]

I know for a fact (because of later communication) that usually at the time of a breakup I give off that 'don't ever bother trying to speak to me again' vibe. I don't think I've ever said those words so it wasn't explicit, maybe I just sounded done?

 

hmnn... interesting..

 

i guess I dont' get why THEY aren't done??

 

Especially if they are the ones making the decision.

 

Doesn't a breakup mean... we're done/through/kaput/over?

 

If I break up with someone, and he doesn't indicate that he is done... that doesn't matter. I AM. AndI'm the one who made the decision for it to be over.

 

So, if someone, (i.e my exes) decides they are done... what makes it un-done.

 

I'm not just talking about sex, I mean the whole "I love you I miss you, I made a mistake.. wah wah wah"

[waveseer]

hmnn... interesting..

 

i guess I dont' get why THEY aren't done??

 

Especially if they are the ones making the decision.

 

Doesn't a breakup mean... we're done/through/kaput/over?

 

If I break up with someone, and he doesn't indicate that he is done... that doesn't matter. I AM. AndI'm the one who made the decision for it to be over.

 

So, if someone, (i.e my exes) decides they are done... what makes it un-done.

 

I'm not just talking about sex, I mean the whole "I love you I miss you, I made a mistake.. wah wah wah"

 

I've had a terrible time letting go of a man I broke up with, mostly because I knew he was capable of having a good relationship with me and never really understood why he didn't want to put in the effort (it was long term).

 

I am over him now, but it took years and a great deal of help from my friends on ena and offline folks as well.

 

I went back and 'wah wah wah'ed several times at my weak points. I'm sure he felt the same as you do.

[stranded247]

I think that if you're classy and you let people go without making too big of a fuss over it, they will come back as long as there was once love there. But if you beg, and grab, and latch on to someone, and cause a scene, and act nasty... not so much. That's how they will end up remembering you.

 

It works the same with men and women though.

 

I believed that and from the word go my actions about him were classy, I let him go 100% even though it was the last thing I wanted but still he's happy sans moi, it's been less than 4 months though so who knows, if it happens it will happen when I truly no longer care, it's already getting to the stage where I'm feeling more and more detached and my happy memories of our relationship are quite tainted now.

[BriarRose]

Hardly any of mine ever attempted to even contact me again. I think it's because of what Jettison said - I take breakups too hard.

 

I think it's nice your ex's thought enough of you to try to come back. I don't recommend going back to an ex, but it's nice to be remembered and missed.

[Lonewing]

There's something else to you though...and this may be helpful more for you than for them

 

You base your commitment to people based upon your feelings rather than basing your feelings on your commitment. This is a really important realization if your goal is a LT Marriage. Simply put, no matter who you are with, your feelings are going to wax and wane throughout the course of the relationship. Successful marriages are successful because at their base is something far stronger than temporary emotions - a mutually permanent commitment that guides the course of every action.

 

They keep coming back because their feelings for you never ended. Thy're probably still mystified how you could one day simply shut down as if you never had feelings for them in the first place. Everything was going so fine and then right out of the blue you just give up...or when the going gets rough, you shut down and give up.

[shikashika]

Ok, your last paragraph... do you mean me when you say "you' or is that a collective you?

 

because i didn't give up...they ended the relationships... then came back.

[JeckyllNHyde]

The only times I've wanted to go back as a dumper, was right after. Like "buyers remorse" I'd get "dumpers regret" lol!

 

Other then that there have been some guys I regretted dumping later, but only when I had no one else I was dating or date worthy in my life. Or maybe after going thru a rough experience I'd feel guilt about dumping them, etc and try and patch things up.

 

Most exes I know have had too much pride to come back. Or other women to keep busy with.

[mmike]

well not always.. I actually wouldn't mind the sex part.. haha!

 

 

I can think of times when the guy wanted to get back together when we were in a long distance thing... so he couldn't just call back for a quick bit of sex.

 

I would happily have sex with someone ... if it was good!

 

I just can't be bothered....even if i'm gagging for it.. ha!

 

edit: also.. I would NEVER wait 2 months to sleep with someone.. I'm in my thirties, not a teenager. So I don't think it's about dating..

 

I've had guys come back and profess I missed you, bla bla bla even when we were 7000 miles apart. So it's not like they're back for the sex.

 

How long into a relationship without sex would be the deal breaker? Would you dump the guy just because of that? What if the guy just wanted to create anticipation every meeting (go farther each meeting but not all the way .....according to a plan of his).

[shikashika]

How long into a relationship without sex would be the deal breaker? Would you dump the guy just because of that? What if the guy just wanted to create anticipation every meeting (go farther each meeting but not all the way .....according to a plan of his).

 

Ok.. a bit of a late reply, but if I a guy was 'withholding sex' to 'create anticipation' I wouldn't even want to be with someone like that. So yes, to asnwer your question, I wouldnt' want to go out with a guy who was doing that.

 

How immature!

 

(same goes for a girl who would 'withhold sex to create anticipation')

 

sounds like someone with control / power issues or enjoys game playing

 

If I 'm not getting any by the 3rd 4th date I have no time for that person anymore.

 

Of course, every situation is different, and sometimes you meet people in different ways.

 

But, for me, if I suspected a guy was doing this, I'd be gone. It wouldn't create anticipation, it would just make me more annoyed with him.... (which goes against everything the guy is trying to do.. if he is trying to create 'anticipation' or attraction)

 

Very lame indeed.