When do I give up?

[aprilflowers]

My fiance (we were together almost 3 years) dumped me suddenly 5 months ago and it was one of the worst things I have EVER been though. I have been pretty dignified about it and read all the advice about staying calm and trying to get him back. He had all kinds of reasons about why he ended it, but then kept giving me signals that it wasn't over. Emails, requests for help - about 2 weeks ago he came over and it was like old times, Lovely. We were romantic but not intimate. So then I find out from his sister that he met someone else but never told me. I don't know the status of the relationship, and if it ever went anywhere. I am confused. When do you know to turn away for good?

[Ms Darcy]

Some people never know when to give up and they suffer through a state of limbo for years. I would say that he's moving on - he's dating and only reaching back to you as emotional support. For your own sake, I would start moving on. If it happens in the future, it happens, but for right now your priority should be getting over this relationship and focusing on your own life.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is time to turn away now. Next time he contacts you tell him that you can't maintain just a friendship with him when at one point the relationship meant much more. Tell him that you heard through the grapevine that he is dating and it is time for you to do the same and move on..that he made his choice to end things and that you accept his decision and it is time for you to go your separate ways..and that he should only contact you if he wants to work on getting back together.

[coolchick64]

I wouldn't put too much stock in what his sister told you. It's secondhand information for one thing. And even if it's true, there's no way of knowing whether that relationship was even a relationship, let alone whether they're still together. It's been five months, so of course he's dated and there's nothing wrong with it if he has. Mine left me 2 months ago---I didn't want it and I've been feeling terrible about it---but I've gone out with a number of different guys because I'm doing whatever I can to stay busy. It doesn't mean a thing. Base your decision on the actions you've observed when he's around you.

 

From what others have said about reconciliation, it sounds like there's not a clearcut moment when one person says "I want to try again." It's more often like the two people drift back together. IMO, that's what your ex is kinda doing. I'd say you don't have enough information to decide anything yet.

 

Why don't you contact him and just see how he acts---is he happy to hear from you? Does he want to get together again? If you're too uncomfortable with the ambiguity to do anything, I think you should ask him. But do it in a neutral, open-minded way so you don't shut down communication. If you don't like what he has to say, you can always tell him you're not up for it at that point.

[lavenderdove]

You don't want to be his security blanket while he is shopping for a new woman. That is the worst place for you to be emotionally, and creates an environment where he feels like he has all the time in the world to decide whether there is someone 'better' out there for him or you to come back to in case he doesn't find someone he likes better.

 

So I wouldn't let this state of limbo go on for long. I would tell him that you can't be friends with him because you still love him and it is painful and prevents you from moving on. Tell him that he should only see if you if he decides he made a mistake and wants to try again. Otherwise, you could be thinking you're working on something, when all that is happening is you're his security blanket and backup plan.

 

You need to think about what is right and healthy for you, and being someone's backup plan and tortured just isn't it. You have nothing to lose by starting to date other people, and make it clear to him that you won't wait around for him to shop around for other women, that you are worth more than that, and if he wants you, he'd better step up and get back with you or you may well be permanently with another guy and gone.

[annie24]

From what others have said about reconciliation, it sounds like there's not a clearcut moment when one person says "I want to try again." It's more often like the two people drift back together. IMO, that's what your ex is kinda doing. I'd say you don't have enough information to decide anything yet.

 

i have certainly had exes come back and say 'i want to try again.' even after not hearing from them for several years!

 

i can see where you are coming from, but what he did to her, breaking an engagement, without giving a precise reason why, i think this 'drifting back together' is emotionally dangerous to her. like the others said, it sounds like he is using the OP as a backup plan while he's out shopping for other women, and that is NOT ok. it's not emotionally healthy for her, and it keeps her from moving on.

 

aprilflowers - i would move on right now. next time he contacts you, tell him that you are moving on with your life, and for him not to contact you anymore unless he is serious about getting back together, and that you may or may not be interested in that by that time.

 

i would honestly move on today.

[coolchick64]

like the others said, it sounds like he is using the OP as a backup plan while he's out shopping for other women, and that is NOT ok. it's not emotionally healthy for her, and it keeps her from moving on.

 

Agreed, but only if that's what he's doing. I don't think there's enough information here to conclude that. There's absolutely nothing wrong with dating after you breakup. The question is whether he's seriously entertaining the idea of reconciling. She'll never find out what he's thinking if she assumes she knows and issues him an ultimatum. If that's her position on things, she may as well just stop responding at all and leave it at that.

[annie24]

that's true - best to talk to him and clear the air. however, if he didn't ever give any clear reason for breaking up, then how is she supposed to know if he is serious about wanting to get back together? i mean, i've seen couples break up over a defined reason, then they work on that issue, and then have an even better relationship. but i think he really has to be clear and not give her the run around.

[elite867]

I would turn away now. If it is meant to be, he will come running after you. Otherwise, you are only hurting yourself by waiting for him to come to you. You could end up waiting years for him only to remain alone. Life is too short. Go out, meet new people and one day there will be a guy who will know 100% without a doubt he wants you and no other. We all deserve that and should not settle for less.

[coolchick64]

that's true - best to talk to him and clear the air. however, if he didn't ever give any clear reason for breaking up, then how is she supposed to know if he is serious about wanting to get back together? i mean, i've seen couples break up over a defined reason, then they work on that issue, and then have an even better relationship. but i think he really has to be clear and not give her the run around.

 

I think it's best to move from this point forward. If he doesn't have anything productive to say now, that's the issue. Doesn't matter what was said before.

[catfeeder]

that's true - best to talk to him and clear the air. however, if he didn't ever give any clear reason for breaking up, then how is she supposed to know if he is serious about wanting to get back together? i mean, i've seen couples break up over a defined reason, then they work on that issue, and then have an even better relationship. but i think he really has to be clear and not give her the run around.

 

This is true. If nothing's changed, then nothing's changed. If someone breaks up without offering a reason, that's their right and it doesn't make them a villain, but it also gives you zero to work with--or work on.

 

I wouldn't allow such an ex to 'drift' into my life again, he'd need to earn his way in. That sounds hardcore, but it doesn't need to be. It's not an ultimatum, it's a simple and clear truth: I love you, and I respect your choice to break up with me, but I'm not ready to be friends with you until I'm over you. If you ever decide in the future that you want to reconcile with me, you can contact me for a talk about what broke us up, and how we can make it better--but I can't guarantee you that I'll be available in the future. I'm moving forward.

 

There's no ultimatum there. No salesman-style 'take-away', no manipulation, nothing but the pure truth. There's also clarity about not being used as this guy's emotional safety-net while he shops around for someone new. That's a raw deal, because 'friends' in this instance means you're supposed to suck it up like a good sport after he moves on with a new lover, and you're left with double the grief to clean up back at square one.

 

I'd close the door tightly unless he opens it, and there's no reason I couldn't do that gently.

 

My best,

Cat

[lavenderdove]

My experience is that most of the 'drift back together' couples you see on this board will drift back together, then a few months later, you will see the person back on this board saying how the reconciliation didn't work and they've broken up again and it hurts worse than the first time.

 

The point is if there are problems enough to break up (including them leaving for another person), then it is something that has to be addressed directly, negotiated, worked out. One of the main reasons for breakups is there is not enough open, honest communication about thoughts and feelings, so the people go underground and don't resolve problems, just bury them for them to come back later.

 

The reconciliations that seem to work are the ones where the person comes back and says, 'i was wrong to leave, and i left because i got attracted to another woman and assumed that infatuation was more than just an attraction, but realized while dating her that you and i had something so much deeper and better, that i was crazy to leave in the first place and was wrong.' Or 'All my friends were partying and convinced me that i was too young to be committed to any one girl, but after months of partying with them, i woke up and realized it was a shallow hollow life, and i don't want that and missed you terribly and realized that being with you is what i really want and need in my life.'

 

If your ex comes back and willingly admits he was stupidly chasing off after someone he thought was better, and during that process realized that you were the one for him, or starts talking openly about the problems and reasons you broke up and is active in working to fix them, only THEN would i think not only is he coming back, but that the reconcilation might work.

 

Many exes come back for round two or three when they are bored, lonely, or their latest ex dumped them, but that doesn't mean they'll stick around. If they take responsibility for their actions and truly work to take your relationship to the next level, then i'd take it seriously.

[coolchick64]

I agree completely with all of this. The conversation has to happen sooner or later. My point is that it might take a period of testing the water before things can build up to that point. If you press for it too soon, (like, I won't have contact with you unless you assure me about your intentions, apologize, etc.), you can kill any chance before you even know what's happening.

 

It's kind of like dating someone you've just met. You wouldn't say to someone on the first or second date, I won't go out with you again unless you can promise me you want a long term commitment. The conversation happens when it makes sense, when things have gotten to a certain point. The trick is staying open to the possibility of something more without investing so much that you get hurt if/when it doesn't happen.

[lavenderdove]

The problem i see with waiting to discuss it is frequently the person just goes out and has fun and they slip back into intimacy and sex, then the person tells themselves, well, i don't want to rock the boat since it is going so well, so i won't bring up the topic of what went wrong and the fact that they left me for someone else.

 

Then it goes back underground, and the pattern is repeated.

 

My experience is that if someone is really serious about reconciling, they will be more than willing to state that right up front, admit they made a mistake etc. If there is any squeamishness about talking about it, or avoidance about talking about it, all kinds of serious misconceptions and disjuncts can occur, and the person who was originally dumped can get badly burned again. Someone who is sincere will have no trouble talking about that right up front.

[coolchick64]

yes, bad idea to slip into sex or regular contact without having everything out in the open. I think we're in agreement about everything except what is meant by "right up front." I see room for flexibility/patience in gray area between first contact and "the talk." It's okay to wait and see, as long as you don't invest too much while you do it.

[aprilflowers]

Your wisdom is SO appreciated. I'm a smart person, but I am still confused, sad and linger on despair - yes, a mistake to make this relationship the symbol of EVERYTHING. You'd think that things get easier as you get older; not true. This advice is so smart, though - and thanks.