I Need More Than He Can Give

[mcgirl]

Been reading through this section for a while and have read a lot of good positive things. I'm posting my take just b/c I need someone to listen and maybe respond with some good advice.

 

My b/f and I broke up Monday nite. Been dating 8 mos or so. I'm 37 and he's 33. We both have plenty of LTR experience. Both been engaged before. Both lived with SO's before. So it's not like we're new to this whole relationship thing.

 

I've typed, deleted and rewritten this post several times. I didn't want it to be long - but it has to be to get whats in my head out. But when I type it out it smacks me in the face that my ex just wasnt into our relationship. The writing had been on the wall for a while.

 

The lines I was given aren't new - and we've all heard them before...

 

"You want more than I will give you and it makes you unhappy...and Im not going to give you more...so...its just best if we don't see each other any more" "I like spending time with you...I do...I like you alot...but you want more attention than I'm willing to give you...and it's not a good situation..."

 

And this is true. I did want more. But its not like the "more" I wanted was cohabitation...a ring...or marriage. And the attention I wanted wasn't 24/7 and total time monopoly. I didn't want to consume his life nor he consume mine, I just wanted us to be a part of each others lives.

 

I wanted someone who would reply to txt's I sent, esp when it was a question about plans we had (and I didn't txt a lot - maybe 1 a day).

I wanted someone who would consider me in his plans. Not check w/me - not clear plans w/me (like he accused me of), just remember that he has a g/f and she may want to see him at some point during the weekend.

I wanted someone who would initiate contact w/me once in a while.

I wanted someone who would share things going on in their life w/me rather than tell me after the fact.

I wanted someone who made me a priority. Not top priority - but not zero priority either.

 

I guess I wanted a b/f who acted like he wanted a g/f.

 

He wasn't always like this. I'm not that big of an idiot. He was someone who started off strong out of the gate. Sweet, kind, considerate. He made plenty of time for us. He was engaged in our relationship. He initiated things. Physically he was very engaged, not just sex, but in general - hand holding, hand on leg when we'd ride the train or watch tv, just that nice sweet contact I appreciate (although I appreciate lots of sex too

 

As par for the course he pulled back eventually. It was ok at first - the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever (and it cant - we'd get nothing done But over the last 2-3 mos I really started to notice how little I factored into his life. I was an add-on - and a low priority one at that. I would bring this up (in a mature way) and sometimes he would acknowledge my p.o.v and make changes and other times he'd bristle or make jokes that I was being "needy" or "senstive".

 

The last few weeks I really started to question why I was still here. But I didn't want to end it - I just wanted him to give a little. Literally just do basic stuff. He was inconsiderate to me Monday nite (lack of txt reply to a question that really needed an answer) and when I called him out on it (which of course he hates) his comeback was "i dont want to be * * * * * ed at for not replying to a txt msg. this isnt working, we shouldnt see each other anymore" - and then the standard issue lines flowed from there. I didn't fight or argue. I expressed what I wanted from him and how it wasn't really a lot. But to him it was. I guess when you dont want to give anything - even the slightest request is "alot".

 

And logically I know I'm better off (emotionally it takes longer to get there). I know I will be fine. It really hurts that he didn't think I/our relationship was worth even the tiniest bit of effort. It hurts that when we actually were together - we got along famously - its just that in between when we werent together there was a big disconnect in how each of us thought things should go.

 

I think what is really bringing me down though is wondering if this is how relationships are going to be from now on. The older I get - the more emotionally unavailable men become? Is only seeing someone 1-2 times a week and not communicating daily going to be part of my new relationship reality? What happened to people making room in each others lives for someone they are interested in and care about?

 

Are guys like that still out there - or are they all already taken - and what we're left with is guys who clearly don't want to be in a relationship to begin with?

 

Thanks for listening.

[mr.mac]

I could have written this exact post about my girlfriend. She is almost to the letter currently acting how your ex acted towards you. I share all of your concerns about relationships as we get older and it scares me that I (we) might have to accept less than what we want in a relationship. I hope there is more out there...for both our sakes.

[SapphireNoir10]

Thats not true. Every person is different. Some people are right for you, some arent, its a learning process. And yes you get hurt along the way, but, you learn more and more WHO you are and what you want and it means you can decide what you will settle for and what you wont.

 

Chin up, there are good ones out there.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

there are plenty of guys out that are good men who are ready for a relationship...

 

but you can't expect someone to be with you 24/7 if you are only dating and only dating 8 months.

 

since you have both been in LTR before .. then i would assume you've both been hurt before- and i think its important to keep your own life, own friends, own interests ... if you make someone you world .. someone you have only known 8 months you are asking for trouble.

 

i think you have who you are tied up into a relationship - instead of being an individual .. just because you are in love and you are a couple doesn't mean you should give that person your entire life.... we are adults now - we things we need to take care of and we need our own space... and we also need to keep our interests because know that things don't always work out and if we gave our everything - dropped our interests friends and our alone time .. then when that person leaves or we need to leave- we have nothing?

 

i think you need to rethink your views on relationships ... and how much time you want to spend with that person - you most likely came accross as clingy and needy - and those are both very unattractive traits.

 

figure out why you need to spend so much time with you partner..

 

i think what your BF did was kinda rude he could have talked to you about it...but he also let you know clearly where he was it .. what he was giving you was all you were going to get.

[25thfloor]

I bet you'll get a lot of responses that we've mostly all had this experience. it seems a little thing to ask, but if you're not into the relationship...it's a whole lot to ask...and the fact you HAVE to ask to see someone...oh..i don't think so. i stopped looking....i didn't even date for 3 years. and then love found me. in the strangest place. i know now that i am fine with or without this relationship, but if i hadn't had all the crappy practice with the wrong men, i wouldn't have given my new BF the time of day....and actually i ignored his pursuits for a couple of years. never settle. it's a two way street....you have to be on the same 'relationship' page in order for it to work. he's a butthead. you're better off without him. be strong.

 

oh, and always be on the look out for men/women that start off strong....it will never last. it's not reality.

[forgotten1]

I could have written this exact post about my girlfriend. She is almost to the letter currently acting how your ex acted towards you. I share all of your concerns about relationships as we get older and it scares me that I (we) might have to accept less than what we want in a relationship. I hope there is more out there...for both our sakes.

 

Nope you dont have to accept it you just wait and find the other person out there who will fit with who you are. I am a person how dives in 100% into a relationship once i feel its worth working for...many relationships did not work out because of that fact...thankfully ive now found a women who dives into her relationships 110% and we have found a way to make up that other 10% even with us now being 3000 miles apart.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with this 100 percent. Some of the things you wanted did seem a touch needy to me. At the same time, he did seem somewhat unavailable. The more you pushed, the more he pulled away. Really, the post above says it all. Excellent HHWH - I hope you are feeling better.

[D_Lish]

He's been looking to end the relationship for sometime I think. Hence why the attention waned....

 

All you did was ask a simple question to which you expected a reply. Suddenly, you are likely thinking that the breakup was all your fault and because he turned the situation around, to make it appear it was all your fault. Men are good at shifting the blame...

 

I dont think you sounded too needy at all. I see nothing wrong in expecting a reply to text messages, to receive at least one message per day from a bf/gf, to have a bf share his life and what he's up too. This is the kind of thing we would all expect from a partner and I see nothing clingy or needy about it....

 

Fact is, he couldnt be bothered to make an effort anymore and because his heart was no longer in the relationship and for whatever reason. The needy and clingy thing, was an excuse to end it IMO...

[drewciouS281]

my girl had some of your ex's characteristics recently after we got back together after a 2 week break up. Its a control game and they know thier winning. In my case i just backed off and stopped worrying about things so much. If it works it will work, if not than so be it and so far she is picking things back up. In YOUR case, i honestly get the impression that he just doesnt care anymore. He wanted out but was comfortable but you getting on him about your needs was his excuse to end it. I know it hurts but he wouldnt have snapped out of this unless you backed off too but this can backfire. In my case its helping but in alot of other cases the relationship just dies cause no one is trying. Im sorry your hurting but you will be better off without him. Just enjoy life and focus on you and dont worry about finding someone, he will come!

 

I worry too about marriage and all cause im 28 but i feel like i should be married by now so i will be honest, i do put up with a bit more crap because i dont wanna be single at 30 but i will also know when enough is enough. There is always someone better out there for you. Its just patience!

[mcgirl]

Thank you all for your replies and perspectives. I truly appreciate that y'all took the time to read and comment.

 

I feel like I did my situation a little disservice b/c I didn't provide a lot of background. Had I done that it would have been twice as long, and no one would have read it We weren't just dating - but we were exclusive from very early on. I've met his family. We've taken trips together. And the background would have helped clarify how I wasn't being clingy or needy towards my ex, I just wanted him to treat me with consideration and respect.

 

We would go a few days in a row without much, if any contact. I play a lot of sports and am very active and I rarely asked him to come out and watch/support me or my events. That was my time to do my thing. Early on in our relationship he stated that he does like/need time alone to do his own thing, read, write music, whatever and I respected that. I've been in relationships that got 24/7 before - and it was the farthest thing from healthy. So I took this relationship as a good opportunity to maintain my own identity, life and independence - which I still have.

 

That being said, I don't think its abnormal to want your significant other to be an active participant in your life. I don't think its wrong to expect contact or replies to contact. Otherwise, why are you together in the first place?

 

I'm still just doing a lot of thinking, about my own situation and just what it means for future relationships in general. As I get older, I see so many people around me who are so incredibly selfish and self absorbed when it comes to dating or their relationships, inflexible, non-compromising, and ready to drop people at the slightest hint of conflict, that I'm having a crisis of confidence of finding someone who isn't like this.

[JonasWaingaro]

Reading your OP, I don't think you sounded needy at all. It sounds more like he doesn't understand being a partner in a relationship, or is not interested in bothering. I can't imagine going days without contact in a committed relationship. Not when you can make quick easy contact, text, email, call, etc.

 

Heck when my ex went to Mexico with her mom, she emailed everyday telling me all about their adventures. It was great! That's why we get into relationships, to share our lives. So you weren't expecting anything more. A text a day or seeing what your plans are isn't clingy nor needy.

 

Anyhoo, he has the issues not you. And yes, there are guys out there that want exactly what you want! That are emotionally available, committed, and looking to share our lives with someone. We are out here, age groupers with a like mind! Sadly, dumpees too. lol Sheesh.

[mcgirl]

Thanks Jonas. I've been experiencing a lot of self doubt whether I did in fact want too much. My gut tells me I didn't - but its easy to go down that path when you're hurting. Given how easy it is to communicate by email, txt, IM - it shouldn't be that much to ask.

 

It's good to know there are "oldies" like me out there who still want to share their lives w/someone.

[happythoughts]

There is no way you were clingy or needy...he was a selfish jerk who wanted out of the relationship or didn't want commitment. He called you needy to deflect attention from his own bad behaviour.

 

Texting a partner and them not replying is just rude on their part. It's also intended to show you who's "in control"

 

One text a day or hoping to see somebody on a weekend is NOT clingy...it's called a relationship. Don't second guess yourself and don't let him make you insecure.

 

The last two guys I've been with were a bit like this and I gave them three weeks each (the deadline was in my head, they never knew about it) before I showed them the door. Pulling away and manipulating the other person is not a sign of loving behaviour. I let them do it for three weeks and then they were done with. They've been in touch since by the way....as people do when they know they've been wrong.

 

Put your experience down to a lucky escape and move on. There is a great guy out there for you who will not find the prospect of one text a day or one date a week terrifying!

 

This is not you fault.

[Ms Darcy]

I do think that this background is useful. I don't really think the things you want are necessarily unreasonable (although I save daily contact for well into a relationship - but that's just me). What I do think is that it depends on both individuals and where they are emotionally.

 

I don't think it was particularly helpful to you that he was so gung-ho early on.

 

I am a definite old schooler in that I would not recommend getting physically involved with someone very early on. My impression is that often people get started because of attraction and then a few months in figure out that they don't like/don't feel compatible with this person. And then everything they do is annoying. Everything they request is too much. The more the other pushes, the more they pull away (going back to my earlier point).

 

There are guys out there who could give you what you want. I think it takes time, patience, weeding out, and taking it slow.

[mcgirl]

@happythoughts

Thanks for your post. Today I've been going down roads where I've been questioning myself and having thoughts of maybe I did want too much. Your words helped bring me back around - he is selfish. No ifs ands or buts about it.

 

@MrsDarcy

Thank you for your thoughts. I wanted to clarify my original post b/c I really I maintained my independence here. But you are right - even when I asked for a little it pushed him further away b/c even that little was too much (in his eyes).

[JonasWaingaro]

Thanks Jonas. I've been experiencing a lot of self doubt whether I did in fact want too much. My gut tells me I didn't - but its easy to go down that path when you're hurting. Given how easy it is to communicate by email, txt, IM - it shouldn't be that much to ask.

 

It's good to know there are "oldies" like me out there who still want to share their lives w/someone.

 

Aww, I didn't mean imply you're an oldie! Cause you aren't! I think I phrased that better in my mind. lol But you know what I meant...hopefully! (fixed lol)

[mcgirl]

Aww, I didn't mean imply you're an oldie! Cause you aren't! I think I phrased that better in my mind. lol But you know what I meant...hopefully! (fixed lol)

 

Haha. No I totally know what you meant. Sometimes when I'm reading stuff on this board I do feel old though. Lotsa people just starting out in relationship land. I wish they had this internet thing when I was in HS & college (lol) Could have saved me a LOT of problems.

[JonasWaingaro]

lol I hear ya! I feel a lil' old on here at times. And yes, I wish I found ENA last year!! Maybe could've saved me a problem or 3.

[butrflyblue]

I know this is painful and I have been there before with a man who after totally backing off is still chasing me and proposed to me knowing I had developed a new relationship. Some people never want what they can have even if it is good for them. Then when you disappear they try to start up with you again just when your life is starting to get back on track. I would really consider the fact he simply can't give you what you need and allow yourself the opportunity to take a break from him and look at other options.

[happythoughts]

You will go through all sorts of rough emotions....the ups of feeling confident you can move on followed by the crashing lows of feeling it's all your fault and wanting him back. This is the cycle of breaking up as I'm sure you know....but it will pass...

 

I honestly can't see you having done anything wrong. If he didn't like texts or seeing you often...what exactly was there in this for you?

 

Being very clingy is characterised by that feeling of being insecure about the relationship, texting and calling all the time, constantly asking for reassurance, being possessive and jealous....making the other person's life hell.

 

It sounds to me that what you were asking for is something that is normal in an adult relationship. How on earth do married couples do it if he thought that was not normal? Millions of couples spend weekends together, have kids, reply to texts. It's not hard to work out that the problem was with him, not you.

 

He's right - you did want more than he could give. But the point is that you DESERVE more than he could give. And you will find it....

[mcgirl]

 

I honestly can't see you having done anything wrong. If he didn't like texts or seeing you often...what exactly was there in this for you?

 

 

Thanks happythoughts. This is what I need to keep telling myself. The last month or so, really the only thing that was in it for me was a lot of frustration when he would keep me at a distance and not even do the little things. A lot of why the bleep bleepin bleep am I bothering here? ](*,) Even the good times we did spend together or when he was acting in an engaged, positive way wasn't 'omg wow this is amazing' enough to make up for all the other bs.

 

It's more down than up now...and I know from past experiences this will eventually change to more up than down. Just takes time.

[icarus27]

I'm still just doing a lot of thinking, about my own situation and just what it means for future relationships in general. As I get older, I see so many people around me who are so incredibly selfish and self absorbed when it comes to dating or their relationships, inflexible, non-compromising, and ready to drop people at the slightest hint of conflict, that I'm having a crisis of confidence of finding someone who isn't like this.

 

Couldn't have said it more clearly myself.

I live with this crisis of confidence everyday, mcgirl.

[emmyems]

I wanted someone who would reply to txt's I sent, esp when it was a question about plans we had (and I didn't txt a lot - maybe 1 a day).

I wanted someone who would consider me in his plans. Not check w/me - not clear plans w/me (like he accused me of), just remember that he has a g/f and she may want to see him at some point during the weekend.

I wanted someone who would initiate contact w/me once in a while.

I wanted someone who would share things going on in their life w/me rather than tell me after the fact.

I wanted someone who made me a priority. Not top priority - but not zero priority either.

 

I guess I wanted a b/f who acted like he wanted a g/f.

 

 

You quoted my last relationship precisely. My relationship started amazingly well too. Then the same things that happened to you happened to me. He never texted back. I think he called me 3 times the entire 1.5 years we were together. He never included me in plans. He would do something worth noting and not tell me until long after the fact. I more than once mentioned that I felt like I was not a priority - just a nice thing to have that he could go to if he felt like it/had the time. I really didn't think that I was asking too much - just to be acknowledged once in a while. I made every effort not to nag, I tried to give him his space, etc etc.

I really thought he would change and go back to the way he used to be. If only I tried harder, showed him how much I cared, made him a priority in my life, included him with my friends, bought him little mementos that I knew he'd like (but which he never truly appreciated), that he would eventually realize how much I do for him and how much I loved him and that things would someday return to normal - the honeymoon days. They never did.

I was thinking about this today. I felt stupid that it took me so long to realize that things would never change. I felt like an idiot for letting him take advantage of my kindness. He appreciated none of it. Sure, when it was good, it was great - but the bad outweighed the good, because for every good moment, there was twice as much bad. I still feel stupid for putting up with it for so long, but I feel better knowing that at least I didn't allow it to go on for the rest of our lives. I just missed (and still sometimes miss) the old him and kept holding onto that notion, hoping we could get back there someday. I'm sure I myself could have done somethings differently too, I can't place all the blame on him - but it's clear our ideas of what constituted a relationship were two vastly different ideas.

I just wanted to share that you're not alone. And I also wanted to thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone.

[saltandvinegar]

Guys not replying to texts is really rude. A lot of what you said sounded very very familiar to me, and he is just being emotionally abusive by telling you its you with the problem- that old "needy " line its BS- i dont think you were asking for much- just common courtesy.

 

There are a lot of guys like this around, a lot of "left overs" at this age, who dont know how to treat other human beings in the right way. Theykind of act liek girlfriends should be seen and not heard, and as soon as you ask for something you are "needy" and if you get mad- you are "psycho"

 

Its all BS.

[amandathepanda]

Guys not replying to texts is really rude. A lot of what you said sounded very very familiar to me, and he is just being emotionally abusive by telling you its you with the problem- that old "needy " line its BS- i dont think you were asking for much- just common courtesy.

 

My ex did this ALL the time. When he was drunk, or feeling needy, he would call or text me a lot....whenever I did the same or was feeling insecure because of the lies and cheating he had done and just needed to talk it over, he would tell me I needed to "chill out" and "relax" and that he needed space. All signs they are not the right guys for us....