why won't he say that he "likes" me?

[Snowgrrl83]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post here, and I hope that someone can cheer me up a little - or at least give me the straight up truth. I hope that my story isn't too long, so bare with me.

 

I've been dating this guy for approximately 6 months. I am 25 and he is 31. We have many things in common, we both enjoy and love snowboarding and wakeboarding (and are both ex-competitors), both have the same religious and political views/values.

 

When we both met, on the ski hill, he was still in a relationship, and so was I. I was, in fact, engaged. I didn't live with the man I was engaged to, but had been dating for about a year and a half. He (my burrent boyfriend) was in a four year relationship where he had baught a house and had lived with the woman for about a year.

 

He then broke up with her about 2 weeks after we had first met. He had told me that his relationship wasn't going so well. Although we had only seen each other twice, we had a great time together as friends (nothing sexual). In my case, I think that meeting him made me realize how little I had in common with my fiance at the time and how little values we had in common. I left my fiance about a month after meeting my current boyfriend.

 

In his case, his ex-girlfriend was abusive. She would threaten him, he would lie to her to make her happy, she would throw house items at him, she would sometimes pack his bags and lock him outside his own house, etc. They weren't very sexually active (he said he was lucky if they did it 3 times per year). Getting some of his stuff from the house has been a total nightmare. She is a police officer and so she keeps on threatening him that she will call the cops on him because he signed the house off to her but hasen't retrieve all of his belongings yet (so she would call the police to say his trespassing)

 

He has told me that he has a hard time trusting women now.... which I can understand, because I have been in an abusive relationship before as well.

 

Our relationship kicked off about a month and a half after we first met. Which was way too soon, I must admit and both of us weren't quite ready to get into a relationship when your heart is still hurting. I had a an easier time getting over my fiance - he doesn't call me every 3 days, in fact, he decided to move out of the country and visit south korea for the next year.

 

He has now bought a new house, which is currently being built. His ex-girlfriend still calls to say that she misses him...even though she threatens him....this woman has major mood swings!

 

My boyfriend and I have a great time together. He invites me to his parents house all the time (I've met his parents multiple times....). We talk regularly (since he's gone on his business trips often). We go boating and wakeboarding together every weekend. We never (or very rarely) fight. He brings me shopping and buys me clothes. We go on trips together to go snowboarding and to the family cottages. This great time has been going on for 6 months. I've said that I like him....but he won't even say that he likes me. We are very sexually active (daily sex). I haven't said that I love him..... but I've said "Je t'aime" which means somewhere between I like you and I love you in French...since I'm French.

 

I know that I can't force him to say anything like that....but sometimes I wonder if he's just with me for the sex..if he won't even admit to "LIKEING ME". It really hurts to see that he won't even say "I like you"...I'm not asking for I LOVE you. I just need to know that I'm not being used.... I sincerely think that he likes me, but for some reason, hearing those words confirms to me that he isn't just using me to look cool or to have sex.

 

He is a very difficult man to read and he doesn't show his emotions very much.

 

I need some advice or someone to just cheer me up.

[CatsMeeoow]

I'm sorry for the limbo in which you find yourself....

 

So he left this previous relationship and jumped in with you? First and foremost he needs to deal with the issues at hand with the prior relationship...

 

This could be a guy who is gunshy... or a guy who sees sex with someone he is compatible with and currently isn't looking for anything more... you are a time filler perhaps.

 

The key here is to recognize your own requirements before having any expectations of someone else. If you require that he share some sort of connection via like or love with you and you are not getting it then it is your responsibility to draw the line and make it clear... such as "X I have been having such a wonderful time with you over the last few weeks and I feel such a strong connection on my end but I would like some type of reassurance of your feelings for me to stay really connected"... be prepared as it could go either way and be sure to stand behind what you say.

 

We all have requirements and deal breakers... is he lack of verbal affection one of yours? Only you know the answer to that.

 

Good luck!

[addictedblue]

Well actions speak louder than words. You guys see each other all the time and have sex every day. I don't think he'd be doing that with you if he didn't like you. You say he doesn't show emotions much, plus he's kind of weary of women because of his ex; that explains why he isn't gushing emotions to you. A lot of men don't feel the need to say things like "I like you" - he probably just expects you to take the hint because of all the time you spend together. If you need him to say it though, ask him. But if I were you I'd just assume he does.

[thetruth]

i've been with girls , and spent a lot of time with them over 1-2 months, hotels every weekend. only to find out they didn't really like me. they wanted NSA and were just "fooling around" ... for 2 months. i don't understand it, it sucks, but it happens. i imagine some guys do that as well....

[HeartGoesOn]

I think that you both rushed into this way too fast, and neither of you gave yourself time to breathe in between relationships. I would not be comfortable with his ex girlfriend calling, saying she misses him, why is he allowing that?

 

I wouldn't say that he's using you just for sex, since you're also giving your consent, even though he hasn't even "said that he likes you." It's my opinion only, but I would never sleep with someone without knowing what our status is, as far as being committed to each other, and being sure that we're in it for the long term.

[annie24]

The key here is to recognize your own requirements before having any expectations of someone else. If you require that he share some sort of connection via like or love with you and you are not getting it then it is your responsibility to draw the line and make it clear... such as "X I have been having such a wonderful time with you over the last few weeks and I feel such a strong connection on my end but I would like some type of reassurance of your feelings for me to stay really connected"... be prepared as it could go either way and be sure to stand behind what you say.

 

We all have requirements and deal breakers... is he lack of verbal affection one of yours? Only you know the answer to that.

 

Good luck!

 

yes, i totally agree with this, this is a really good point. and i like how she phrases it in a positive way, i think that is a better way to get him to open up rather than, 'tell me you like me or i'm out of here!!!' but it is being clear about her feelings and what is going on in her head.

 

i don't know what his deal is, if he is ready to date or what. i think things sound positive, but you'll have to talk to him to know where you stand.

[Snowgrrl83]

Hi everyone, thanks for the advice and words of wisdom. I sure hope that actions speak louder than words, that he is just gunshy and that he isn't just "fooling around". I guess I'm just afraid because he keeps on saying things like "Girls, can't live with them, can't have sex without them"....ish! Funny...... but not that funny.

 

Then again, if I remind him that he's forgotten something, or I send him a message from work when he's out of town on a business trip, he'll reply to me with a message like

" U R soooo sweet. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo"

or........

"I miss you!"

 

I guess I'm a very logical person, and I need to know for sure, no games! HATE GAMES!

 

I find that asking him "Do you like me, I need to know because....." would be forcing him to say he likes me... and you can't force emotions on someone.

 

Oh..and.. what does NSA mean?

[annie24]

nsa = no strings attached.

[Snowgrrl83]

HeartGoesOn - thank you for your message. I agree that we both jumped into relationships before we were ready.

 

It drives me crazy that he still talks to his ex-girlfriend. Whether she is screaming and yelling at him, threatening him and verbally abusing him... or she is being sweet and begging for forgiveness and for him to come back to her, it drives me NUTS. I try not to show him this because I think that things are already hard enough for him. He has said sorry before because he talks to his ex, and he has said that I shouldn't have to hear about it.... and he is sorry for dragging me into this whole thing. He still needs to keep in contact with her because she has about 10 000$ worth of furniture and appliances that belong to him - that he will need to furnish the house that he just bought for himself.... I can't wait for him to get his stuff back! Maybe then, it will be over once and for all with him and this woman.

 

Sometimes I wonder if he considers going back to her..... could this be the reason why he won't say that he likes me?

 

I really appreciate everyone's advice and point of view.

[thetruth]

you are an introspective thinker. it is hard for us in relationships. we want a guarantee before we are willing to put our heart on the line. emotions can cause so much pain that we need to be sure.

 

but there are no guarantees - and until you start taking chances it doesn't get better. you can strengthen your extroverted feeling without losing your logic. i wouldn't have done it if i would have lost my logic!

 

he sounds unsure as well - but not necessarily that he is playing games. i didn't mean to be a downer, but " i like you" is not too much to ask for. i recently ended a relationship with a girl i REALLY REALLY liked, because she wouldn't let me in and tell me how she felt. at all. i mean i've grown, but not that much.

[Snowgrrl83]

thetruth-- I feel as if an "I like you" isn't too much to ask for either......but I haven't really directly asked him that yet either. Although I do say, once in a while..."I had so much fun today, I like you.".....and then he'll say "Awe, you like me, do you?" and ill say, "yup" and that's where it will end. Argh...can't he just say "I like you too, I really enjoyed the weekend as well"...but nope, he never acknowledges that we have a good time together either. I have to ask him if he liked the weekend and he usually simply says "yes"....nor does he ever thank me for the great weekend...or evenning...

 

Although he called me about 20 minutes ago to tell him that he pulled his back...and that the only thing that could ever cure his back strain is cuddles and hugs from me. He's so cute, yet so confusing.... and then he went on about getting my opinion about the furniture that he'll buy for his house - he won't buy anything unless he gets the approval from me.

 

I think he does like me...but I guess it still hurts to know that he won't admit it openly. I guess it bothers me that he might still like or possibly even love his ex. Sometimes, I also think that he says things just to please me and that he doesn't really mean it.

 

Him not saying that he likes me isn't a deal breaker right now between me and him...but it is hurtful. Possibly, in time, if this sillyness of not saying "i like you" or complimenting any of the time that we have together;this could end up being a deal breaker with a combination of other little problems.

[Snowgrrl83]

I had a breakdown yesterday. I asked him if he was dating me because of sex and he said no, that he likes to hang out with me, go wakeboarding, pick clothes for me, etc.

 

Later that day, I had another "breakdown" and I said that I didn't think that he liked me...and never got a positive response back. We just drove home.

 

What to do? This is really starting to get to me.

[Ms Darcy]

I had a breakdown yesterday. I asked him if he was dating me because of sex and he said no, that he likes to hang out with me, go wakeboarding, pick clothes for me, etc.

 

Later that day, I had another "breakdown" and I said that I didn't think that he liked me...and never got a positive response back. We just drove home.

 

What to do? This is really starting to get to me.

 

It sounds like you have gotten your answer.

 

Honey, make sure you give this the reasonableness test. He knows your concerns and he won't reassure you. That means he probably doesn't feel the same way you do. What you do now is up to you but a very sensible option is to move on to a guy who does like you.

[annie24]

It sounds like you have gotten your answer.

 

Honey, make sure you give this the reasonableness test. He knows your concerns and he won't reassure you. That means he probably doesn't feel the same way you do. What you do now is up to you but a very sensible option is to move on to a guy who does like you.

 

yeah, i agree. it does sound like the guy likes spending time with you, but does that translate over to him wanting to be your boyfriend? from what you said, doesn't sound like it.

[Imprecision]

I know personally, as a man, if I liked a girl (at least sexually) but for some reason could not get with her (e.g. because I'm in love with another woman), I can string her along for a long, long, long time.

 

The technical term here is lying by omission - He won't tell you he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. But he will not, on his own initiative, dispel your illusion about this.

 

Ms Darcy and Annie are right. Just leave him. If he likes you enough, he will repent and chase after you. But don't hold your breath.