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[Heavenless]

There is absolutely nothing left to look forward to.

[jaded123]

A,

I did also want to say this: you destroyed me when you left me. You should know that. Total destruction of personality, ego, happiness and worst of all hope.

Schopenhauer said: all life is pain.

But I disagree. I think: all life is love.

I will rise again, and I will be happy again and I will trust and love again. And I always have and will always wish you happiness (even at the cost of mine). A few times, I've had the natural tendency to want to detest someone who has hurt you, as a coping mechanism. But I have not and will never give in to that (it is not always easy though, sometimes it takes every last breath to not give in).

 

The hardest is the memories that keep crashing into me, from the very first flower you gave me, to the first email I sent, to every single thing in between, to the last meeting at el beit. I never ever left you. You turned me away from your door and I just desperately wanted a sign you loved me. Another happy memory is mom and I looking at rings that I could propose with, and my parents had even come to see you. I was sick with flu when I came back that January and I had lost my phone. I tried so much but you were even more hurt that I couldn't come see you immediately. I know I hurt you in many many ways, and I still disgree with the practices of your cult (of which you are a victim too, a victim of wanting to help people and being taken advantage of) but I supported what I didn't want to, for you, in the end. To the point of taking the entire "course" on my own to show my support.

 

But you couldn't give me another chance...you have someone better now, I support. Life goes on.

 

All live is love.

-H

[RougeQueen]

You disgust me and right now I really believe that I hate you. I think it's mostly because I feel that you still have power over me. Only I can release myself from the hold you have on me. I'm trying.

 

I keep running through all the bad things about you in my mind. You have a fat a$$, you have gross teeth, you're over 10 years older than me and you can DEFINITELY tell, you're a compulsive liar, you're a half-a$$ed father, you're always broke (at least that's how it seemed when you were around me so I had to pay for everything. Apparently you have enough money to take other women out on dates though), you have nothing to show for all your years of work, you never take responsibility for the actions you make, you're boring in bed and believe me it's not as big as you seem to think it is so you should really work on your technique, you use people, you are a pig.

 

Right now I hope something awful happens to you. This hatred will pass eventually but for now I need to vent it. Besides, it's better than being sad.

[MajinGuu]

I miss you, that's all.

[sunshine34]

I think I have been afraid of the very thing I did this morning, yet longing deep inside to do it for a while now. I found out you are going to be missing for another three weeks last night, and all of a sudden I couldn't ignore the situation anymore. I've been distracting myself with trying to find a job, getting myself in shape, seeing other people. I can't anymore, because I can't deny my longing for you. My deep desire for you to love me, to encompass me the way you used to. The way we would talk all day, how I would get so excited to do things I hate just because its with you, how it felt when I had your love so very long ago. You have this way of getting me to abandon all self respect, all self desires, needs and dreams just to keep you. Anything so I won't disrupt the peace, your peace, so you will keep me even for just a minute longer and I'd do it. However, now I am learning I will never truly be happy this way and you won't automatically at random morph into the guy that completed me this way or ever most likely. Any other man who has said the things you have said to me, neglected me the way you have would be out the door but I give you a free pass. Why? Is the hope of a tingle of happiness worth all of the pain and self inflicted desperate hurting? No. Not any more. Because , the longer I wait for you, the longer I keep you in my life, the more prolonged my happiness and hope for love is. So many new men are sweeter with me than you, and you are supposed to be this person who "loves me". I guess you didn't use that word, that's right. That was my imposition.

That's the problem isn't it? I'm shoving feelings, words, actions even into your mouth that you never displayed. Tacking on ideas and reasons where I shouldn't. Just to keep you with me, to justify your actions. These are the facts, the night before my surgery, when you were the only man I loved and the only person in my life I could rely on, you proceeded to tell me that you couldn't date me because the difference between that and what we were doing is that you couldn't be with someone else in the future and that you may want that. Basically affirming that I was not enough for you and that you needed other women. You listened to me cry, my teary eyed plea asking what I could do? what I could change? what was I missing? in the lowest of my lows and you said there was nothing I could do. Never giving me the satisfaction of explaining what I was missing that you were seeking in the other women you so desperately couldn't give up. Apologizing saying that you wished you could change how you felt. I heard your phone vibrating and couldn't stand laying in your bed while you were entertaining the possibility of something better.. with someone who couldn't love you more 3 feet from you. Yet so much further from me. That day I let you go, I told you I loved you not in the hopes of hearingit back, but because I meant it, and I knew I wouldnt see you again. YOu said it back, why? I am still not sure, pity? so you wouldn't feel badly about yourself?

 

Days later I said one last goodbye text because we were still speaking here and there and I knew this wouldn't help me , that I would keep the wound open with you texting at all. I knew you were leaving for the entire summer and it was best I just let everything go, hopes of anything all of it. If you didn't want all of me, why should I give you the satisfaction of parts of me? Bits and pieces to fill in your boredom whenever that happened to fall on you. You just left it aloen and didn't say anything, a silent bow out which honestly was the best answer I could have gotten. BEcause anything you could have said would have just burned deeper within me. Destroying any positive memory I have of you and mutating it into the new reality where I'm just some girl to you. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

I'm finally doing alright, well not really, but sort of, spending my time on me and trying to see others to show me what it means to care about someone. That someone actually could appreciate me, and they did. Much better than you. Then you contact me, saying you didn't want to leave without telling me you still had feelings and wanted to work on us when you got back.. Not that you loved me, or that you were sorry for breaking my heart, or that you didn't need other women, none of that was said. I just said it to myself for you..

Then you leave, unable to speak to me, you sort of half assed answer some of my questions but nothing to make me feel better. Days turn to weeks and we barely speak. Flash forward to last night when I find out you are spending 3 more weeks away , I'm sick of pretending. Pretending I'm okay, that this makes me happy. That you are doing your part, because you aren't. I'm doing everythingI can to do it for you, maybe you only wanted me because you knew how much I loved oyu, that I would basically let you do anything just so I could have you.

Finally, I do what ive been wanting to do forever, stand up for myself all the while knowing this means you will just stop talking to me. Because I'm not worht the complications for you. Complacency is destroyed so now you can just blame me for being erratic and emotional and high maintenance even though all you had to do was be good to me and love me back. With maybe 1/5 as much as I do.

I wake up to a text responding to me where you say, I havent had time to talk to anyone, I have to pay for wifi. This made me livid. I'm just grouped in with everyone else as usual, I'm an expense . You can just write off an excuse and I'm supposed to accept it even though you don't even realize how LUCKY you are to have all the love i give you, to just have me waiting around for you. NONE of that means anything. YOu are a selfish, spoiled, piece of crap. I tell you still in nice enough words how the probelm is that I'm not special , I'm grouped in with others that you can do what you want and explore those options you always wanted to. You only gave me a few sentences, not even a phone call, and I took you back. You didn't tell me you didn't need other women, or that you loved me, or devoted any time to speaking to me. I worded it lightly, and for some reason I can't remember exactly what i said even though it was only this morning. Probably because it hurts me to send these to you.

Because I know you don;t care enough to prove it, that me being inconvenient will only push you away and in your mind give you license to seek out other women. Only, I partially don't care anymore and partially still dont want to care anymore. I don't deserve this and I don't want it anymore. I shouldhave said that. I told you to take me off of the list you message. I am starting to think it's best if we won't speak anymore.

New guys are nicer to me, saying nicer things, taking me on dates, courting me, caring about me more than you do at this point and I'm wasting love on you. I haven't found love yet, but I won't with you hanging in my thoughts. CLogging up my arteries and taking my breath with all the harsh words and neglect you dish out. It's unacceptable and I don;t know how you can see anything differently. Why what you did is okay to you? Why you think you can just waltz back into my life and be the same jerk you were when I last saw you? Oh yeah, because I'm accepting it. No more. I'd rather hurt than have you in any part of me to mess me up again. I know at some point you will say somethign else and I'm not sure if I should acknowledge you or just ignore you stone cold. I somehow blank at everythign you say because you twist it into something it's not and make me feel unreasonable.

 

I'm sick and tired of this bad luck, of being sick and tired. I need a break. SOmething to go right for once. I can't get a job, despite practically killing myself going on interview after interview after interview and pretending to be so enthusiastic about bartending jobs when thats the last thing I want to do, but its the only way I can get quick money and fix my car before I can get a good job. Starving because I can't eat right now because I dont have a job, dealing with my family and friend drama and being a sponge to take in all of their problems and drain them away will suppressing my own. Each day waking up and being positive about something I really am not sure will resolve itself. hating my body every day and not understanding why I am so mentally sick that I need to be tiny. Sick of this superficial city and the expectations to be outwardly perfect and inwardly empty. Tired of you making me feel unworthy of love and unable to love all these people that want me .. Unable to find good friends and connections. Something needs to go right for me.. I can't keep doing this. I almsot wish school would start again so I could drown myself in studying and forget everyhting else that is wrong, which would be everything. I just want to scream. And eventhat doesn't provide any relief. I HATE YOU

[Alone Now]

I am certain I will write more tonight, but I need to write this right now. J, I miss you, I find myself thinking of you all the time since I went NC on you. I want to tell you all the things, big and small, that have occurred in the last couple of days. I woke up this morning hoping to see a text from you or an email and of course there was none to be found. When I think of this NC I get an odd feeling in my stomach and a burning sensation over my entire being. Why am I being so subborn> Why have I placed MW in such high regard. I thought about it and yes, MW was a major contributor to the drama between yo and me. He wasn't directly tell ing me things, but he was in the back of my mind as if telling me to pick either you or him. Why can't I have both?

 

I am going out to a concert with a girl friend and I am certain we will talk about both you and MW. She thinks you are a sweet wonderful kind gentle man. She hates MW. Why then, do I feel the need to defend him?

 

More when I get home. And for the record, the name of the song I mentioned last night/ this morning is called "Call Me And I Will Set You Free". I called the radio station's hot line after I posted it. Darn it I wish I could post the song here!

[MajinGuu]

I feel like sending her a long angry text...

 

Luckily I won't since I actually realize how it would do nothing but make me look bad and pathetic and will make me feel so stupid afterwards.

 

The temptation is still here but I guess I'll just go youtube some Miranda Sings videos and forget about my anger. \\

[nickbroken]

Meh I wanna say I am sorry I wish I tried harder in some ways, I know the mistakes I made and that you made I know this is for the best. I wish I didn't fall into what I did, I wish the stress you put me under didn't help lead to it. I am sorry that this didn't work and that I don't get to spend more time with you, it's been an amazing few months and showed me that I can still open my heart. I wish we could still be friends but that would just lead to pain.

[sunshine34]

I'm upset and sad .. I say what I want to say or feel so inclined on impulse get wiled up and then realize you haven't responded and I could have lost you and none of it is worth it. It's sick how much I want to sacrifice my well being for yours, but it's unhealthy and unreciprocated I'm just disappointed in you. I don't know why you don't see or understand any of this..

[Alone Now]

I was suppose to go to a concert with a girl friend tonight, but I couldn't manage to go. I hate feeling like I need to babysit someone else at a show. J, with you I could always relax at concerts. I could dance and be happy and goofy and you encouraged that behavior.

 

It's like when we were at the MF show in Athens back in April. We were having such a good time until we both saw MW in the crowd and then I had to clam up. I so wish we could go see them again, they are playing this weekend in South Carolina. I need that relaxation that I find with you. I felt safe, loved, joyful, at peace, excited and relaxed. Id I decide to end our friendship, I will miss feeling safe and relaxed the most when I was with you.

[MajinGuu]

me and my ex would watch those videos ! =[ merpp

Oh damn, I'm glad I kept Miranda to myself. I can't watch other channels we would watch together though, it's just ruined.

[MajinGuu]

This evening we won't have talked for 3 days, it's the longest we've ever been apart. I miss you bad and I'm in pain, I can't function today and I don't know what to do with myself. I wonder how you're doing, what you're feeling. I'm having a hard time keeping it together today, are you already over me?

I can't believe only last month you were depressed and had insomnia because you missed my voice when I was away, and you agreed that we weren't made to be apart.

 

The pain is atrocious.

[Loz333]

Oh no. I'm in tears again. I have avoided crying properly for days. And now I find myself tortured by the beautiful words of the poem that you once wrote me. Why did we let this go my darling?! I love you so much. And now it hurts so much!

 

Eskimo Kiss

 

 

I miss the way you dance around in front of the tele,

Or do a little jump or hop when you’re excited.

I miss your cute little nose and its Eskimo kiss,

And your big brown eyes that defy all of your pain.

I miss hearing you quietly sing along to music,

You’d swear you have a bad voice but I know the truth.

I miss your lovely soft baby tum,

And your legs and your face and your hair and your… laugh.

I miss your sexy stretchy morning sound,

And the fuzzy feeling it always gives.

I miss the way you loved to care,

A back scratch or massage was never too much.

I miss your emotions and yes I know I’ve complained,

Forgive me, I’m a man but I am willing to learn.

I miss your warm heart, so fragile and strong,

I could search for a lifetime and never find one so beautiful.

More than anything I miss your love,

Nothing could ever be so perfect.

 

I miss you so much

 

x x x

[Looking up]

Maybe you might be thinking about me on this day I know I am of you. I can remember you sitting accross from me on the deck on the water on our first little trip.

That's where we both said I love you to each other.

 

I new at that moment I found what I was looking for

 

 

 

Happy anniversary where ever you may be

 

I love you

[jaded123]

A,

I guess I still love you as much as ever. I haven't been able to eat or properly sleep these past 2 days and in the fitful sleep I did get some hours ago, I dreamed that maybe your facebook post was fake and that you would come back to me. i keep saying your name over and over again until i cant speak anymore and then it just runs in my mind. i remember the way your heart sounded, it was always so strong. i miss you so much...

H

[MajinGuu]

I'm so mad at you and it's great!

 

Hope you're miserable. xoxoxo

[iam42]

i am afraid that i will always miss you -- and never understand.

 

the distance between caring and not caring feels unbridgeable. how did you get there?

[jaded123]

A,

 

I just want this to be a record of how much I still love you and I would even do myself any harm, if that meant you would forgive me, even now and maybe find your way back to me.

 

But, even though I've been forced to move on, by age and time and by your going away, and even though in the past I've thought I had actually succeeded: that is not really the case. I never got over you. I keep thinking I never left you ever (yes, I keep saying this too, over and over again and it's true). I'm sorry I hurt you and I didn't mean to and didn't realize I did at that time.

 

I always thought it was destiny that brought us together, a positive force in the universe. And I think so now too.

 

But I just can't go on like this anymore. I feel utterly sick and devastated and 16 months is a long time to feel this way. I tried so hard, tried to rectify so many mistakes, I don't know what else you would have had me do. I know you loved me very much once and I do too, to this day. But I can't live like this anymore. I have to say goodbye and I have to destroy my feelings for you now. I'm not capable anymore of handling this much pain, forever. I'm sorry, I thought I was different in that I could always love you (no matter what), but I can't keep the memories alive. Someone told me that mercury is in retrograde (whatever that means) but if there is any larger force or destiny, then you'll come back to me, in a few weeks. And I'll take you back and I'll still pull out your chair for you because I truly love you, unconditionally. But if this doesn't happen, I can't go on like this anymore.

 

I'm letting you go now.

 

You'll always be good.

 

XO,

-H

[trayle]

i loved you more than anything in the entire world and you acted like you felt the same, then said you hadn't felt that way for a year so thanks for lying to me, betraying me, and using me. you're a real great actor. i never thought you would be the one to hurt me, but i guess i didn't know you like i thought i did. i hate you for making me feel this way and i hate you for still texting me and giving me hope because if there is no chance of us being together again, then i just want to move the hell on. i hate you, but i love you, and i want you to go away, but i want you to come back. F.U. very much

[kz91]

For the first time since we broke up, today I've actually been happy and I can say it's the truth. I was smiling and it's not because of you anymore.

 

 

I despise you.

[nick66]

Happy ending for me, my wife wants to save our marriage so now I will tell her my thoughts directly. I know what it's like to hurt and hurt badly. I've been through six months of hell, but God has brought my wife back to me.

 

Stay positive everyone, I know at times it's difficult to do so.

[Balloonh8r1302]

Shame on me for getting my hopes up so easily. I should have known it wasn't going to happen. Most likely you were just using me to make your boyfriend jealous or make a point to him. It was foolish of me to think there was a serious chance of your relationship crashing. You won't allow that to happen because you love him too much.

 

I keep trying to convince myself that there's no future for us and I just need to move on so I can be your friend and nothing more. I don't know what your game here is but I need to stay on my own course going forward. You can wait for your boyfriend to move out of his mom's house in ten years but I'm not waiting ten years for you.

[Alone Now]

I missed you today and spent the entire day thinking about you. And I wonder if you think about me. Have I even crossed your mind? Do you have the urge to pick up the phone and call? Or to text? I think about you more and more, your presence will not fade.

 

I have gotten some advice on ENA about you. And me. And MW. I think I need to really consider if I have been a good enough friend to you. The consensus is that I should just walk away from you and be done. But you deserve more. You deserve better. I'm going to try and sort things out and I hope when it is all said and done, I can be a better friend to you. I do love you J. I know I do. But I don't know in what capacity. But I want to be your friend, I look for guidance on how to be that kind of friend to you.

[einsteins_girl]

For months and months and months, I didn't hear a word about you, and now your name is popping up everywhere. It's weird. And while talking to my mom about that tonight, I realized how very worried about you I had been and how relieved I am to see indications that you're becoming you again - the you I liked, the you I loved. You're writing again. You're taking photos again. You're hanging out with the group of friends I liked, instead of the other group you gravitated towards after the breakup.

 

It almost makes me want to cry with relief to hear these things. I really didn't realize just how much I was holding on to concern for you. I told my mom this all made me feel better - these little glimpses of your return to normal. I told her I guess I was worried about you, and she said, "You would."

 

I know she thinks I'm too nice. I know she thinks I shouldn't care. But I do, and I think I always will. Whether you know it or not, you'll always have me in your corner. Thanks for making it an easier place to be these days.

 

Take care of yourself. I miss you.

[iam42]

i read somewhere that not mattering to someone who is important to you is experienced as psychic annihilation. that seems awful.

 

i am not your responsibility. i never was, and, because i lean toward shame with every exposure or indication of need, i couldn't bring myself to ask for much. but when things were simultaneously good (my career) and bad (my son's depression and hospitalization) what i so needed from you, what i would have given anything for, was a hug. a moment with my head on your pillow and your face inches from mine. to hear you say hello because now we were in bed and the door was closed, and i could just come out and tell you what was really going on with me. to have you touch my face and lose your hands in the mass mess of my hair. hi, you would say. and my mouth would go running.

 

i could've heard anything from you and would have believed/accepted all your reasons for needing us to stop. and because i do love you and don't believe that possession has any place in that, i would have let you go. why not after all? ldr's suck! but you couldn't spare that one moment in time, grant that one hello that we had planned in a giddy but quiet way during the last days of my last time in your home. i forgive you, or i will. but we will not know each other again. who knew that a man whose voice i have never heard raised could be connected for me to so much hurt? so yes, not mattering to someone who is important to you is experienced as psychic annihilation.