Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[IAmFCA]

Hey you, me again.

 

I am beginning to understand you. Clearly, I am meant to bang my head against you until I learn a whole bunch of stuff about who knows what. Well so far I have learned that there is a name for you, you are a High Conflict Person of the Narcissistic type, and that there is hope for to change ONLY if you are self-aware, seek therapy on your own, and have the desire, resources, and stability to pursue therapy for the long-term.

 

I understand that I can not have a healthy relationship with you.

 

I do not understand why I am attached to you, as I clearly am in some way. Your behavior doesn't scare me. It bothers me and it used to hurt me. What do I have to gain by being friends of any type with you? This question always comes up short. Because I believe we attract what we are, I am thoughtful that I am you, in some way. I am what then? I used to be high conflict with Nic I think? I am the narcissist? I am solving that having a relationship with my dad was just like what it can be with you, warm, rewarding and intermittent. Too close and it becomes costly.

 

So, thats it then. I am working out, again and again, the weird dynamic that is my dad? I thought I was good with that? Hmm.

 

Meanwhile, I wish I could send you these links. But I will not.

[lilktg]

I really wanted to break down this week and contact you, but I haven't. It's taking all of my strength.

You were the one that treated me badly and yet I miss you so much. I wish you would have seen in us what I did- that we were worth better. You could have done better for us. Things were not supposed to be this way, and they did not have to turn out like this. You let me down and then when I needed you more than ever, you walked away. I don't even know where you are living now. It's ridiculous but I worry about you. I wonder if you ever think about our life here and miss me? Is your life without me so much better? Do you still blame me for everything? I miss you every second of the day. I dream about you every night.

How is it going on your dating profile? Getting alot of dates? I'm sure in your mind they are so much better than me. You always did want everyone but me. I have no self esteem because of you. I hope you took those pictures down you cropped me out of. That was kind of a slap in the face. You are so eager to find a new relationship, but what about me? Why not me? I loved you and adored you and gave up everything for you and you didn't pick me back.

I wish I never moved us up here. I am miserable here and want to go home. You win. You got a free ride up here and got settled in and dropped me. Now you're in the city of your dreams, running around being single....all thanks to me. And I'm here alone. You promised that would never happen. Do you ever wonder how I must be feeling? Do you know I cry every day? I have panic attacks? I spend ridiculous amounts of money to sit in a therapist office and bawl my eyes out? I'm not ok. I need you to take this hurt away.

How could you forget us? Why did you not miss what we had? Why wasn't I worth it to you?

[Firesite]

Another weekend is here. It's always harder for me on the weekend because It would be the time where I would get to spend the most of the day with you. My mind runs over the break up and the problems leading up to it. I wonder if there was something I could have said or done to change things. But then I realize I did the best I could and I gave it my all. I know you probably don't remember a thing about our relationship except for the bad times. The memories haunt me each day and I feel like I will never be free of them. I want you out of my head, to free me from your tight grip. I no that day is coming but it's not coming fast enough.

[loveandlive]

Today marks day 3 of NC and you've been reaching out every day since I found those pictures. Today was the least amount of times you actually reached out.. which was good mostly, but made me sad as well. What do you honestly expect me to say at this point? You've hurt me so badly and broken my heart. I've already made it perfectly clear that I can't talk to you for a while because I need to heal and move on. I told you it hurts to talk to you. What's going on in your head? Why would you think I would give you a 4th or 5th chance to make the same mistakes again? I can't anymore and now you to have to learn from your mistakes. Do you think this will be a wake-up call for you? I'm scared for the day you actually stop reaching out to me. I know it will be easier for me to heal when you stop, but I know it will hurt badly because it will make me think you're done loving me or met someone else. I wish you never broke/damaged our trust so we could still be together We had something so amazing.... I still love you and miss you every single second of every single day... but I want to forget you now...

[nfperception]

To: My ex and the girl he left me for, M

 

M, I know you left your boyfriend to be with my ex, and my ex did the same to me to be with you. You two deserve each other. It must be nice to know that you two met while at work, and found some common interests along the way, all while I was still with my then boyfriend.

 

Nice to know that destiny brought you two pieces of s*** together and he dumped me when he found out you were single. It's nice to know who my true friends are after this whole debacle. So, I want to say thank you, to my ex, and to his rebound, M. Without you two, I wouldn't have found out who my true friends are.

 

Without you two, I wouldn't have found out who my ex REALLY is. Without you two, I would have been deep in debt if I was married to him. Without you two, I wouldn't have found out how much of a manipulator and masters of victim mentality you guys can be.

 

So I toast a song to you two, Beyonce "The best thing I never had"

 

May you two live happily ever after by taking a long walk off of a short pier.

 

- NFPerception

[hopelessincan]

wow. this is just awesome. 4am and I woke up crying. well not really sure that I slept. I tried to but I tossed and turned and watched tv. cant even really watch the tv. I just stare at the screen while my mind wanders to bad places.

knowing you, you've been sleeping like a baby these last two weeks. I'm pretty sure that's all you've done. gone to work and come home to sleep. Wish I could trade places with you, cause i'd much prefer to sleep this depression away than have my mind going a mile a minute. I wish you would get out of my head and my heart.

The only consolation I suppose I have is I know that you sleeping is your way of 'dealing' with your emotions and sadness. You can work all day and be busy and not think about us or your feelings.

The one thing I hope is that you have at least seen your best friend. You've pushed him away just like you did with me. The one good thing about buddies though, is they don't get as emotional about it, right? He loves you just like I do. We care about you and worry. Constantly.

I hope now that I'm not around that you will talk to him finally. You have no one else. And you really really really need to let out everything you've been keeping inside. It is just not healthy for you.

And if you have talked to him, I wonder if you told him about us. You've always pretended all was well. You never wanted him to think badly of me. Worry about you, and if he knew the gods honest truth about everything, I bet ya he would give you some good advice and maybe even slap you into shape.

I'm holding out for you, but its getting harder every minute. The resentment is building up. I will always love you. And if you do come back, and I am a b**** to you, just know its not because I hate you, but because I have to protect myself from you. I keep building my wall up against you, and every time I think I am strong enough to keep you out............ it takes a smile from you to break it down. I'm not sure it will be this easy the next time.. if there is a next time.

I still think that you and I were meant to be. And I think deep down you do too

[sunshine34]

Ever since we spoke about my results everything has gotten worse.. I know that perhaps even though I was moving forward, without the goodbye and the officiality of it all it was easier to move on. Now that I've said goodbye, it's real, and there's no looking back. I erased the spot on my board w a running tally of days I've endured, because now , since the goodbye it's like I've begun again only from a much lower space. As if I should be recording from -5 days down to where I started then onwards. The true new count is 1 day down, this is day 2, but I feel miserable and afraid. You leave next week and there's a large part of me which hopes you will say something before you leave ,despite knowing this wont happen I still hope. I know eventually I have to abandon hope again to move past the past. I guess I feel a need to linger in your memory. Stay there one more day in hopes you are hurting too. I've just finished a book called lunch in Paris and most of what I took from it is the Parisian mindset that personal success is measured by happiness and family instead of wealth and position. That was the big collision of the minds I thought we shared, this in between space between happiness and striving. With my illness and you seeing me through, it still burns deeply to think it left you not only unaffected, but deflected away from love for me. That now you saw me as one of your patients and a weak figure below you.. Which you loved less than the strong minded, hard exoskeleton packed with useless wisdom about life.. Yes, all of these things I used to value more than my insides, but now I look at happiness on a lens from within, not outside. I thought we shared this, and to be proven wrong in a a place where I believed from the depths of me you saw me, you got it and you valued it was heartbreaking. Maybe I'm not heartbroken over "you", rather, the figmented convoluted figure I saw before me is causing the heartbreak. Seeing that figment metamorphosize in front of my eyes and shred it's depth to a thin layer of epidermis that only cares about the surface protein bonds shook me. Now I am afraid, afraid to need someone for the fear that I will be wrong again. That the mask will be unveiled to another man more concerned with butterflies and movie romance than the thoughts, values, and ideas in our minds and souls. Before this goodbye, I was beginning to move forward, talking to this man I met a while ago, Michael, and planning a new date with Anthony. Both of these men are many things you are not, established (yes u are in med school but you still have years to go), seasoned and cultured, mature, responsible, and experienced. They know how to court a woman and won't need to be taught like you, when asked what they want answers like family and marriage arise not girlfriend and to do well in school. This helps me to feel like I am more suited to someone else, someone who can understand my lens and have a meaningful interpretation of what that life would be like. I am realizing I probably am longing more for an idea of the couple we could be, not the one we were. Also, in the past 2 months, you didn't treat me like a girlfriend, that wouldn't change. It's more a hope that was broken, a dream that was crushed. You and I against the world.. Best friends and lovers. This is shattered and I'm dealing with the halves that were mine. In reality, all of the pieces are probably mine because you were never a part of this dream. I stand alone.

[kz91]

I was out of town today and I came accross a water fountain but when I looked in it, there was money so I thought people have been making wishes too.

 

I made a wish too, I didn't wish for anything but I made a wish for you. If I say it now, it won't come true but I shouldn't even care. It was to do with you and your happiness, in a good way.

 

Miss you.

[sunshine34]

Today is still difficult. I am upset that you aren't coming back and at least at the moment feel level headed that it's not going to happen and it's okay. I want to be with the man I can end up with and that can't be you. I am disappointed and depressed, but I'm sick of having to control my thoughts and be upset with you. I've been upset with you for mos, even when we were "trying" I was deeply hopeful but always waiting for the other ball to drop and when it did it broke me. I have come to terms with the fact that even if we were speaking, I wouldn't have the option to have you no matter what. You can't make anyone love you, if they don't they will never fight and if they do, all they will do is fight for you. Despite you telling me you loved me, I need to understand the love you have for me is much different than the love I have and hopefully will not have soon for you. I want to be free and independent. there's no use looking back for someone that isn't there and doesn't want to be there. When you get married one of the vows is, " in sickness and in health", you were there in sickness, but you stopped loving me. That's not okay, I don't want to forgive that. Especially for someone who still can't love me even after me forcing myself down your throat and to be perfect yet it wasn't enough. I am unsure what you want and are looking for, but it's not me.

[gotexans12]

I know that I told you that I didn't care, that I'm much happier now that we broke up, that my sister-in-law already trying to hook me up with some of her friends. I just told you those things in the heat of the argument. You know I tend to say things that I don't mean when I'm in an argument. I usually apologize later on. I guess this time I really hurt you. Deep down I know you really love me. You don't have to ask me why I know. I know that when other guys try to talk to you that you told them that you were with me and you think we will get married. You know I really love you and care for you. I know I f-ck up this time. I know the true reason you broke up with me. I was just confused at first trying to know why you broke up with me. I did some stupid things that wasn't even related to you. I accused you of being a fake. I broke up with you a few times over my insecurity. I really miss you Bunny (her petname). I actually started hanging out a lot with my friends lately after we broke up. No matter where I go or if I meet a new person; they are nothing compare to you. Today I went to a state park with some of my friends. It was a really nice park. The scenery is amazing and the lake is awesome. Then I saw this girl pushing a cooler with her grandma towards the lake. That girl looks just like you. It made me think about you. I took a good look at her 3 or 4 times just to make sure she wasn't you. Same hair, same facial features, same type of dress that you use to wear. For a moment I thought it was you. It made me feel really bad that it wasn't you. I even looked back a few times after I walk away with my friends. It brought back all the memories. She was just sitting there looking out at the lake. I remember a few weeks before you broke up with me you mention to me that you wanted to do something nice outside. I told you that I would take you to a nice park one day. Well today was the day that I wish you was here to enjoy it with me. Your face somehow replaces the women that I meet at the club. I could never talk to them because all I could see is you. I miss you so much baby.

[loveandlive]

You won, congratulations. Your constant reaching out to me got to me once again. But I finally blocked your number and deleted you from my phone so that's it. I hope that if you reach out again, it will say something so you know I blocked you or changed my number. Now you have to e-mail me if you want to ever get a hold of me again. Are you happier now? You make it seem you want me so badly, you want us, you love me and miss me so badly... then you disappear for a while. What the hell is that all about?! I don't think you realize how bad it was for you to lie to me repeatedly, then find a girl to take to that resort the day after we broke up. You are disgusting! How can you seriously not feel something terrible inside by doing such a thing? And you had to drive 3 hours to get there, right down the road from me! I could have stopped by the resort to see if you were there. I wish I did because I would have seen you two and this would have ended much sooner. I would never speak to you again! I still shouldn't, but I still love you and you keep winning for your apology texts/voicemails. Not anymore. You broke me down enough. You took everything from me. I have nothing left to give anymore. Thank you for taking me heart and shattering it into a million pieces. It will take me a very long time now to put them back together.

[hopelessincan]

I guess this is going to become my nightly ritual. You suck. You've killed my heart. I want to hate you. I told you that the night you broke it off. You freaking looked me in the eyes and said then do it. OMG

You had the confidence and arrogance to say that cause you know Im wrapped around your finger. Screw you.

omg my heart is so broken. I'm fighting so hard not to contact you. At least let me make it a month. 16 days to go.

[sunshine34]

Today I am dealing with the permanence of this situation. I keep thinking about when you come back from vacation, that I will have an urge to see you, as if time will somehow bring you closer instead of what it will do which is being you farther away from me. I want to move on, but I am struggling with the forever letting go concept. I know I will find someone better when I am ready and I will forget you, just as anton forgot me when he was once wrapped up in me. Time heals all wounds, the problem is reluctance to acceptance. If you don't want to heal or move on, you won't. Just like when I was a silly girl and took 3 years to get over a guy that I allowed to waltz in and out of my life after the breakup with cliches like "you never know what can happen in the future". I want to make sure this doesn't happen w u and I can move on permanently through this process. I hope my date on Monday makes me hopeful for the future, even if he ends up not beig what I am looking for, at least offer me some excitement about my new future instead of the melancholy your ghost brings it. I want to get to a point where I truly want happiness for you. Right now I still want you to miss me and come back, but I know a distinctive character of class is being able to wish you well and mean it, without me. That is what I hope to happen with time, because even though I can't stomach it now I do have a desire for you to be happy.

[einsteins_girl]

What do you do these days? Just wondering.

[Alone Now]

MW: As promised, I drove here thinking exclusively about you and here is what I learned, or in most cases relearned or need to relearn again.

 

You are a coward. You are self-centered. You are very gifted in manipulting me. You think you are about to lose me and then find some way to garner my attention. Last time I was ready to break things off with you, you decided that you would check into seeing a therapist. You admitted that you never did and, as of right now, you have no plans to. You play the martyr role very well. You deflect any attention from yourself but still manage to be the center of attention. How is that even possible? You have a wife, but swear that you are not sleeping with her. BULL****! You want a relationship with me. You want to take care of me. You DO NOT want to take care of me! You want to own me! You have no interest in having a committed relationship with me because you have said that you are incapable of having a committed relationship with anyone. This includes yourself!

 

I admire you in a way because you are damaged goods and are perfectly content to stay that way. You have no real interest in changing any of your behavior patterns because you are comfortable being in your own skin. If you are challenged, you lie. If you are threatened by anyone else, you lie. You say that all you really want it me, you lie. You tell me you care about my little man. You lie, because I can see you struggle to have a relationship with him sometimes. He thinks you really care about him and you might, but you go through the motions except when I'm around and then you are all about him. You lie! You helped destroy a wonderful friendship with J by lying! Yes, he talked crap and he owned up to it eventually. It was like pulling teeth getting the truth from you. I trusted you more than I trusted J and it was so wrong of me! I still have a bitter taste in my mouth towards J and it is mostly undeserving. Why would you be so concerned about someone who was my best friend? It's as if you contact me just enough to be front and center. And once you have my full attention, you pull back into the sad pathetic liar that you are so quick to embrace! I CANNOT FIX YOU MW! You have to want to fix yourself and it is clear to me that even if you tried to get help, doubt that will happen, I don't have enough time to sit and wait.

 

Why can't I get over you then?

 

I am looking forward to the drive back home. Deserving thoughts of J accompanied by Mother's Finest playing in the background. One another different forum topic, I mentioned how a REAL man remembers the little tiny thing. I mentioned that J left a birthday present for little man because he REMEMBERED that little man's birthday is July 9 and he won't be here. Do you even know when his birthday is? And if you do, do you care? I'm losing track of my thoughts. Besides the birthday ppresent, J also made a CD of a song by Mother's Finest that I have fallen in love with recently. It is played every night on the radio at the same time. I told J about this one time. The CD he left me has only this one song on it that he recorded off the radio. For me.

[periwinkle00]

It's been a week and half since we spoke. This is the pattern now. We speak about once every week-3 weeks. Interesting.

 

I am becoming more conscious of my male energy, how I have a stronger male gender presence within, and also the fact that I like other women..nonetheless, you are so cute. I haven't seen you in almost 6 months! You're so sensitive and loving when in the moment. Sure, I have little interest in your main interests, but who cares? We are not defined by our interests. I wonder if you will still be attracted to me if you know I want to dress in drag..then again, you've loved me this long with that thought within me suppressed.

 

You "like" things on my facebook, as to say "hey, i'm taking interest." Life..interesting, and strange.

[Alone Now]

MW: Pouring in Richmond so I pulled off at a Checker's and was listening to one of the Mother's Finest CD's. They do a song called Cry Baby and one of the lines is most apropo. "You see I tried to give you more than physical love, but you were too blind to see, now it's your time to cry". Perfect! I need to switch my brain from you to J now.

[sunshine34]

I missed you a lot today, I was okay until I went to the gym and after releasing all of the energy I felt the emotions come flooding Ito me. I know it's over and it's hurting me that you fell out of love w me, that you wanted something else.. That it was okay to waste my time and my emotions and I wasn't right for you, but that I wanted you. Even after exploring other options, people who seemed more right for me , I wanted you. No matter what happens to me from here on out, the feelings I had for you will never be the same with anyone else Why couldn't you see that? Why wasn't that important to you? I thought you were my puzzle piece. The way I felt so perfectly right around you in every instance grandiose or trivial .. I will never feel that again. It's all your fault and there's nothing I can do. That's the hardest part. It doesn't matter how I long for you, how my heart breaks, how much I pray. I wonder what you are doing.. I see so many silver bmws now and think it's you, but it never is. You are so close to me, under 3 miles yet an eternity away. I wonder if you are with someone else, if you can't wait Togo away or if I am crossing your mind. I don't understand your feelings, how you could be so in love with me to over me to crying and saying u love me but u might want to be with someone else in the future.. I don't understand the gray scale I miss you and I'm upset that I still love you because it's useless . Loving someone who can't be with you is negative work.

[einsteins_girl]

I shouldn't still feel this strongly for someone who hasn't spoken to me for 17 months. I shouldn't, but I do. I don't think you could've ever understood just how much I loved you. How much I still love you. During the rare occasions when I talk about you now, I just feel this flood of affection surge up in my chest. I know your flaws. I know them better than anyone. But everything you do, just makes me love you more. Because you are you, and I fell in love with you in your entirety, good and bad. I have no negative feelings towards you. You know I could never stay mad at you. I really never could. Even now.

 

I always think, "Why on earth would I love someone so much, if we weren't meant to be together?" And then I think to myself that we were meant to be together because these feelings don't make sense otherwise.

 

But we weren't, were we?

 

None of this makes sense. None of it.

[periwinkle00]

It makes me feel kind of sick. I go to your profile on facebook sometimes, because you're off my news feed. I'm usually quite afraid to go there, in case I see some sort of relationship change or posts from beautiful women...well, in your top friends, it shows this beautiful woman. I go to her public profile, and you've liked all of her statuses and posts. You even wrote on her wall a passage from a book you're writing. It is quite intimate and metaphoric. One phrase reads "Will come naked with love, and ask only for naked love. It is dim 'where is my love' ?"

 

She lives only about a 4 hour drive away, also. You appear to have similar interests. I thought you weren't looking. This explains why you don't feel the need to call me very often, even now as friends, and why you messaged me a couple weeks ago "Not that I really have the right to ask, but where are you?". That made me think you don't believe I have the right to ask you either, otherwise, why would you say it? It is clear that you two message one another often, otherwise you wouldn't share such an intimate thing with her on her wall. I feel so sad to see that. I wonder when it started. Well, her facebook only dates back to January.

 

I don't want to be that stalker woman..When we talk again, I will bring it up, because I just want it to be out on the table. I don't know how I will word it though....I mean, you don't need to tell me anything...it just makes me wonder if you were already interested in her and messaging her before we broke up in October. I wonder if she is the reason why it was so easy for you to stop seeing me. I wonder if she is the reason why you don't call me anymore You don't call very often at all...it makes me think your needs are being fulfilled somewhere else. Online is perfect because you don't feel good about yourself right now, or so you say. It all makes me feel so sick and sad.

[periwinkle00]

I am more than your emotional back up. When you call, I might not always be there to answer. I am capable of having my own life. I will not always be waiting around for you.

Obviously you are not waiting around for me.

How can you fall so hard for someone so soon after the relationship/ She responded sort of abruptly to your poetry. Maybe your interaction is usually of a close friend and news nature, and your intimacy caught her off guard..or maybe it was the public wall intimacy.. (you like all her posts and she is in your favourite friends box, so obviously there is regular interaction) It makes me sad. So sad that you would share your heart like that with someone else.

[loveandlive]

Today I feel defeated. I finally blocked your number and deleted you from my phone. I have no idea if you've tried contacting me and either got the hint, don't care or haven't realized it. Either way I'll never know unless you e-mail me. I tend to believe at this point you don't care. Even though yesterday morning before you were blocked completely you told me you don't want to close the door, you miss me and love me. How can you love me, but the day after breaking up with me you take another girl to that resort down the road from me? You knew there was a good chance I could have shown up there. You still didn't care though and still went with her. Then lied to my face repeatedly telling me all kinds of stories that you went alone to get clarity. Such a liar. All you did to me during our relationship was lie over and over. You made me feel so loved and I thought we were so great together, then to find out that several things you said or did was lies was just a slap in my face. I'm more hurt by you than anyone I've ever been with. I feel abandoned, replaced and thrown out like I meant nothing to you. No matter how much you tell me how much I mean/t to you and how much you love me and want a future with me, your actions tell me quite the opposite. Who are you?! I feel like I don't know you at all and you aren't the man I fell in love with or thought you were. My heart is broken into a million pieces and it will take ages to put it back together. You promised to never hurt me, to never lie again, that you wouldn't treat me like my ex. You won. You by far beat them all times a million. I can't believe this is it. No matter what, I can never be with you again. I've lost all trust and respect for you. You obviously don't respect me either or I don't feel like you would have done what you did over and over. It kills me to think about you with any other girl, especially going back to an ex. Do you even care to think about me with another guy? I hate this...

[mbee]

How is this my life right now? 7 weeks ago I would never have thought this would be how I feel. 7 weeks ago you came home from teaching, and I was just off of work. We walked our dogs, talked about life and just had fun. You hadn't been as hungry lately. I didn't know it was cause you were cheating and planning to end it. We got Mexican food as our last dinner together, one of my favorite foods ever. We cuddled in bed, gave each other long massages, watched movies and just had a lovely day. I didn't know it was our last. I was looking forward to our road trip in the South, was planning a special day for you the next day (day we broke up) and my heart leapt with joy knowing you were home, that we were together, and we were happy.

 

Now, 7 weeks later, it's all just some stupid dream. All those moments we were discussing our trip to the South, to Portland and Japan, you were making plans to meet with Michelle just a week or two later. All those moments we were kissing or making love, how much of that were you thinking about her or counting down till when it was the last time with me. That last chat we had on Gmail just a couple of weeks before, you said we were better together, I was the one you were considering marriage with, you never want to lose me. What changed in your heart?

 

The last email you sent me was 2 days before we broke up. You surprised me with salad at work. You were so excited to surprise me and I didn't see your email in time and you had to wait for a little bit. Why were you so nice to me before it ended?

 

I remember you said you wanted to cherish each moment, but you knew it was ending. I didn't. I thought we had many tomorrows together. I thought you knew how lucky you were to have me and how special our connection was. I was wrong, so terribly wrong. So disgustingly wrong. Just last week you sent me all those messages, calls and words saying you loved me, and that I have to believe that, but I can't. You are still with her. You aren't even fighting for me, you aren't even there for me....

[Alone Now]

Dear J:

 

I will never send this to you, but these are the thoughts I had on my ride back home. I am so sorry for all the drama that MW and I have put you through. While you share some responsibility for what the fight was over, I allowed MW to turn up the heat on you. When I step back and think about it with a clear and unemotional head, I know that MW set you up for failure with me. He knew that we were becoming closer than ever before and he wasn't going to lose me to some "punk ass *****" as he called you. He poured on the charm, started showing up at the house and even wrote me love letters.

 

In a way I feel like I used you to get MW back, even for a little while. I put your name out there for MW to know I was building another relationship with you. Probably if I stopped analyzing it so much, a healthier relationship with you. Things between you and I were fine until MW heard your name over and again from both me and little man. That's when the love letters started and that was when I took the bait with him again. He lied about what you said and spent the next couple of days denying his involvement. Suddenly you were no longer the stand up guy I thought you were and MW felt closer to me than he ever had. I wanted to believe that he was innocent and that you had talked about me behind my back, which you admitted you did, but both MW and I are responsible for the drama that came next. We became closer because we bonded over the lies he had told me concerning you. We slept together with great regularity because I decided he was most trustworthy and you, becoming a police officer, was in the wrong line of business.

 

I'm sorry J. I really am. And now I need to find a way to apologize to you and save face at the same time. You knew when we became friends that MW was going to be a constant in my life. And he is. I can't help it. I really miss your phone calls and how you would always cheer me up when I was feeling down. I miss how relaxed I was when we were hanging around together. I get the same relaxation with MW but not to the level that I feel with you.

 

So now what do I do?

[IAmFCA]

Not really in the mood to chat, but chatting with you anyway because I need an outlet and you make such a good distraction.

 

We are two people sleeping in different rooms, in the same hallway, with the door open. Will either of us invite the other? Nope.

 

You should get help. I am getting help, and I am helping myself, and I am SO much better inside than when we first met.

 

But you, you have become like a family member. I just KNOW you, I understand you, you lie, and I get it. Its not about me, and in a way, its not about you. But it IS your behavior, and eventually, who knows when, I will rid myself of my attachment to you. I don't know when that will happen. Its funny, I trust you. I understand you will first protect yourself emotionally. But you will first protect me, physically. So I will not get in a real relationship with you, but I admit I like having you around.

 

If we are using each other as a lighthouse in the dark of our middle years, then we are each debasing ourselves a bit, just by having a connection that is so circumscribed. Where is your self-esteem? where is mine? But yes, I can feel mine, and I can feel yours. Its not so light and dark.

 

there is no denying that I wish you would fix yourself, as if you can be fixed. I know you cant, because you wont. Its too scary. But my brother was you, in a way, and he is so full of love now. He is still random, but his eyes have love shot right through them. There is no denying it. Could this be you? Will you try? If I pray for you to try, will you find a way? Maybe that is my best option, me, not given to prayer, will try that. Otherwise, you will be old, existentially lonely, having cheapened yourself, and finding isolated joys against a desert. Let this not be you. I know what the 60s look like, remember?

 

After you get fixed, I will know it, I will see that expression on you that makes you beautiful. Whoever you pick, for I will not be yours, will be devoted to you and you her. But first, man up.