Should I leave her this letter?

[HankPrairie]

Hey guys, looking for some advice again. I had previously posted how my GF and I had been very slow in the bedroom and that all I got was excuses from her and had thought about cheating. I never wanted to cheat and I've thought it over and over and decided that even if I had decided to cheat, I'd never be able to go through with it.

 

At the same time though, the same problem still presents itself. Her sex drive being non-existent. We've talked about it so many times and we always end the conversation about how were going to work on it, yet nothing changes. Talking about it is very hard, because when I have a point I would like to make in my head, she starts to say things and everything gets jumbled and lost in argument.

 

So last night it was just really getting to me. We went to a fair had a good time, but when we got home she still didn't even sit by me on the couch or cuddle and backed away from kisses

 

So I ended up being silent for the rest of the night. I got too upset and just ended up going to bed. She came to bed awhile later and tried to ask if I was mad and why I was mad. I just said nothing and that discussing it wouldn't make a difference. I left this morning for work without giving her a kiss and wishing her a good day like we always do. Just before I got to work she sent a text that said "so I see you left without saying goodbye....".

 

So I haven't said anything back and don't plan to for the rest of the day. I drafted this letter below that I'd like to leave at home for her to read and be somewhere else when she does. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them, thanks!

 

xxxxxxxxx,

 

I want you to know how much I love you. I never really knew how love actually felt until now. It's just a complete different feeling with you. It's something much bigger than I've ever felt before. And while that scares me, I still absolutely love it. I seriously still get butterflies in my stomach everytime I see you, your beauty, your smile, your voice, everything. When we first met there was something I knew I really liked about you. After our first date, I could hardly wait to see you again. Each day is still like that for me. I think about you all the time during the day. When I get home from work, I can't wait until you walk in the door. I always want to run up and give you a hug and a kiss as soon as I see you.

 

I dont know, maybe I'm still stuck in the honeymoon stage in my mind, because I don't think we ever had an adequate one. We never really got to have that time period where we were all over each other having sex all the time and not caring about anything except being together. Now it seems like it's very annoying to you when I want to see you, kiss you, hug you, cuddle, have sex, and want to always do things together all the time. You pull away from hugs and kisses and anytime I'm even remotely trying to initiate sex. It's gotten to the point where I stopped trying. We've talked about it so many times that it's pointless to try to talk about it anymore.

 

I know and understand that you're stressed and have a lot of pain because of your back and other things, but what I don't understand is why it weighs so hard on our relationship. I could see sometimes where it would just not put you in the mood for things, but it's not just sometimes, it's always! Maybe I don't voice it as much or just express it differently, but I'm stressed and have pain too, but it's never made me feel like I didn't want to be intimate or be close with you. I keep hoping that one day it's going to change and you're going to walk in the door and things will be different. You'll be happy, unstressed, in less pain, our sex life will get back to normal, we won't fight anymore, and we can just completely enjoy everything. I've come to realize that it doesn't look like it's going to happen though. No matter how many discussions we have about it or how we say it'll change in time.

 

At first I was just hoping it was the stress of your job at the restaurant and going to school. Then all the problems with your roommates got lumped into it. Then problems with your dad and more and more things. All you ever seem to be is stressed and in pain. Then you graduated, got a new job, things died down with your dad, and you got away from your roommates. I thought after a little bit of time things would get back on track, but they didn't. I always try to help. I try to take you out, give you massages, buy you presents, tell you I love you, help out with all the stuff around the house and anything possible to try to make you feel better. Nothing really seems to help.

 

I know you do things for me too and I really do appreciate it, but I just don't know how much longer I can go on without being intimate and feeling loved by you. I mean, I know that you love me, but it's just when I try to kiss you or hug you and you back away, it makes me feel totally awful and rejected. I know you don't think you do these things, and maybe you do it without realizing, but it really does hurt. I know you've said things like if I just be aggressive and do things that it'd be easier to have sex, but when you're backing away from hugs and kisses, it's kind of hard to go any further than that. It seems like the only way to actually get to sex is by asking if we can do it, which takes a lot out of it.

 

I'm at a loss right now. Something else has to be going on to be making you feel the way you do other than just stress and pain. Maybe it's just something you're scared to tell me, I don't know. One thing I do know though, is that this cannot keep going on like this. It's happened for far too long already. I've waited and given it a long time to try to get better and I've seen no progress whatsoever.

 

If there's something you think I can do to try to help, I will do whatever possible. I think if things got back on track, we'd be much happier, wouldn't fight, and would live a much less stress and pain filled life. And that's what I want. I want to live a happy life with you for as long as possible, but we have to get over this hump. I love you.

[EQD]

I like this letter. but i think its best to sit down and say these things to her in case she doesnt 'hear' the right tone when she reads it and gets defensive.

i would read the letter to her preferably.

[HankPrairie]

Honestly, I know if I sit there and try to read it to her, she'll try to rebuke things as I read them. Even if we make an agreement that she can't say anything until I'm done reading, she'll probably make faces or gestures that would spark an argument.

 

Plus I want to give her time to be alone and think about what she needs to say and not just spout something out (which is generally "I dont know") which usually just starts a fight.

[annie24]

i agree, maybe read it to her.

[DN]

I think it is a good letter and you should send it. Talking hasn't helped and you would not be able to say half the things you have in a letter without her getting defensive or it getting into a fight. By sending her the letter she gets to read what you are feeling and can then think about it without having to immediately respond.

[mr.mac]

I think it is a good letter and you should send it. Talking hasn't helped and you would not be able to say half the things you have in a letter without her getting defensive or it getting into a fight. By sending her the letter she gets to read what you are feeling and can then think about it without having to immediately respond.

 

Agreed. Your tone is pretty easy to read and you clearly want things to improve. Hopefully she will understand that and respond in a productive way. Good luck.

[EQD]

well.. i hope her reading would help. but honestly she can just as readily throw up blocks as she reads your note. just as if you were reading it or saying it.

 

sounds like shes got some issues i'm not sure you can change.

[HankPrairie]

I think it is a good letter and you should send it. Talking hasn't helped and you would not be able to say half the things you have in a letter without her getting defensive or it getting into a fight. By sending her the letter she gets to read what you are feeling and can then think about it without having to immediately respond.

 

DN, I agree exactly. I believe I'm just going to leave this letter in the house in front of the door where I know she'll she it. She's supposed to be going to her parents house tonight after work, but will stop home first. This should give her adequate time to think about things before coming home later to say what she wants to say.

 

I was mostly looking to see if anyone had any suggestions for the letter, if maybe something came out which she might read wrong and take offense to.

[DN]

DN, I agree exactly. I believe I'm just going to leave this letter in the house in front of the door where I know she'll she it. She's supposed to be going to her parents house tonight after work, but will stop home first. This should give her adequate time to think about things before coming home later to say what she wants to say.

 

I was mostly looking to see if anyone had any suggestions for the letter, if maybe something came out which she might read wrong and take offense to.

I think the letter is fine if it expresses your feelings. Don't worry if she takes offence because if she does it means she isn't taking your feelings seriously. There was nothing in that letter that was insulting and providing it is factually accurate she should respect that you have been honest and open. She may not like it and she may not necessarily agree but she should take it as honest.

[Casey13]

A letter is something you send to your SO who's over seas or it would probably be appropriate if you're in high school. Forget about the letter and just tell her all this.

[shygal2008]

Send it You talked enough! Now the balls in her court!

 

Your the kinda guy allllllll women want, she's crazy not to jump into your arms after reading it..

 

 

You deserve so much more. Let us know what happens.

 

 

Good luck.

[DJBaby]

I agree with those saying give her the letter. It would have been nice of my ex if he had given me a letter like than instead of cheating.

[HankPrairie]

Send it You talked enough! Now the balls in her court!

 

Your the kinda guy allllllll women want, she's crazy not to jump into your arms after reading it..

 

 

You deserve so much more. Let us know what happens.

 

 

Good luck.

 

Well I'm obviously not what all women want, haha.

 

I left her the letter. I knew she was getting home around 6 or so. I waited until 7:30 and heard nothing from her. I headed home. As I started to get out of my car I swear I could hear her moving around inside and a door shut. When I walked into the house, it was dead silent with my letter flipped over with her writing on it in the same place I left it for her.

 

She expressed that she agrees something is wrong and she always felt that she can't say things to me because she had tried before and I always took it the wrong way. She says that I become far too upset too often and can't control my anger. She says when she met me I was so easy going and happy and smiled all the time and that I don't do that anymore. That I flip out over the most minute things, even things that are out of her control. Because of this she doesn't have fun with me, which she says is why she finds it hard to be close and intimate with me.

 

Now we have spoken about this before, and yes, I get upset over little things a lot, but there's issues in our past with her talking to other guys (a bit more and not in a way she should've) before. Now everytime I hear her phone ring or a message is received I think the worst. It's been almost a half a year since this incident and I have gotten a lot better about it, but sometimes I just gets thoughts in my head and it upsets me so much i can't hold back. She says because of that, I make snide comments toward her and sometimes in front of other people, which hurt and embarrass her.

 

I have noticed this happen before, generally when we had been drinking. There'd be a conversation going on about sex and she'll be all in the conversation talking about all sorts of things she's done and I overhear it and makes me upset. As she said most of all her ex's were crappy to her, yet I overhear all these sexual experiences she's had with them and things she's done which i hate to hear about. Then I have to wonder why she's never done those things with me, or why we don't do it as often. It gets so upsetting that I cant control myself and I'll make a comment.

 

I have cooled off quite a bit as we have discussed my anger problem before. I've done a lot to try to cool things down and have been working at it as best I can. Yet in her letter she says that I need to start really trying. I've tried to express to her that it's hard to not get upset when I keep trying and trying, yet nothing changes on her end. I'll start letting things going and be really cool and calm. We'll have all sort of fun and great nights together, then we'll get home and she'll just go to sleep.

 

I have never seen her try to better the situation by getting close and intimate with me more than every two weeks. I continue to try and improve things, yet she sits back and acts the same way as always.

 

We've haven't really talked much about it. She wanted to, but I felt the letter communication worked much better. If we wouldve spoken right after I read the letter, it wouldve lead to an argument.

 

We had sex yesterday morning for the first time since the letter. Now the next week will be the test to see if it really had an bearing on her or if it was just a waste of time communicating to her.

[mr.mac]

I think you are way too concerned about the sex aspect of it. I have done that in the past, as well, so I'm not judging. I'm just saying that if you work on the things that she wants you to work on , and she works on the things that you want then the physical and emotional things will start to fall into place. It can't always be - you're wrong, I'm right! Or - do this, do that! You have to work to get to the point where you do things because you want to do them for that person and not because the other person wants you to do them. I bet she wants to have sex with you, but you keep bringing it up and you make a big deal about it and now she feels obligated. Just relax and work on being the best that you can be for her and I have a feeling that she'll notice and do the same for you.

[HankPrairie]

The thing is I don't bring it up. And yes, I am very concerned about the sex part. A relationship that is still as young as ours shouldn't have had the sex die out in it 5 months into the relationship.

 

And I have been trying to control the anger better for the both of us. It's not always directed toward her like she thinks, it's many different things, but i've been working at it and controlling it better everyday. And I should add that my anger is just getting upset and being silent usually or being in a bad mood, it's never violent or anything like that.

 

It's not fair for me to be the only one working on stuff, she isn't perfect either and she's well aware of how big a part sex is of a relationship.

[annie24]

hold on, you've only been dating 5 months????? maybe you should cut your losses and move on. i somehow thought you guys had been together longer and had a more estabilshed relationship.

[Mia_of_Doom]

hold on, you've only been dating 5 months????? maybe you should cut your losses and move on. i somehow thought you guys had been together longer and had a more estabilshed relationship.

 

I think the 5 month mark was when she first started turning down sex and affection. I'm pretty certain they've been together longer as well.

[mr.mac]

The thing is I don't bring it up. And yes, I am very concerned about the sex part. A relationship that is still as young as ours shouldn't have had the sex die out in it 5 months into the relationship.

 

And I have been trying to control the anger better for the both of us. It's not always directed toward her like she thinks, it's many different things, but i've been working at it and controlling it better everyday. And I should add that my anger is just getting upset and being silent usually or being in a bad mood, it's never violent or anything like that.

 

It's not fair for me to be the only one working on stuff, she isn't perfect either and she's well aware of how big a part sex is of a relationship.

 

I can assure you that no matter what you might think, she is working on the relationship. I'm curious what your point is to say that she's not perfect either? Isn't that a given? At 5 months most people are still trying to figure out how they fit inside the dynamic of a new relationship and this girl has you reminding her about the importance of sex and getting angry with her because you aren't on the same page. You are fortunate that she has stuck around and I think you should be focusing on finding a balance within your relationship instead of trying to make things about who is right or wrong. You should be working with her and not against her.

[Casey13]

I can assure you that no matter what you might think, she is working on the relationship. I'm curious what your point is to say that she's not perfect either? Isn't that a given? At 5 months most people are still trying to figure out how they fit inside the dynamic of a new relationship and this girl has you reminding her about the importance of sex and getting angry with her because you aren't on the same page. You are fortunate that she has stuck around and I think you should be focusing on finding a balance within your relationship instead of trying to make things about who is right or wrong. You should be working with her and not against her.

 

How can you personally assure him that she's working on the RS? Many people fall into relationships and loaf without putting in their share of any effort.

 

"She's not perfect either" has a commonly accepted interpretation other than literally what it means. It usually implies that someone has their own share of down sides that need major improvement, many of which other people don't have, so it's not a given.

 

If you still don't know how you fit into a 'dynamic' of a relationship after 5 months then you are obviously not paying attention to the relationship. That should be resolved within the first three months and if the relationship is not progressing where it should it should be terminated. New relationship? I wouldn't refer to 5 months as anything 'new'.

 

If sex is important to him then he should be reminding her of that NOW. Not later but now because it gives her the opportunity to get out now instead of waiting around another year for this to be an issue.

 

To be fortunate is to have someone you're happy with. OP is definitely not content from what I see and in fact he is pushing for balance in a relationship which is to have some sex life rather than have it not exist.

 

Pal! Let me tell you. I completely agree with you and if you are having intimacy issues so early on in the RS then there is a problem, especially since sex is so important to you. If you think intimacy will just invent itself five years down the line then you're dreaming. Offer her the best that you can be, and let her offer you herself at best and if the two don't satisfy then move on.

[Casey13]

I can assure you that no matter what you might think, she is working on the relationship. I'm curious what your point is to say that she's not perfect either? Isn't that a given? At 5 months most people are still trying to figure out how they fit inside the dynamic of a new relationship and this girl has you reminding her about the importance of sex and getting angry with her because you aren't on the same page. You are fortunate that she has stuck around and I think you should be focusing on finding a balance within your relationship instead of trying to make things about who is right or wrong. You should be working with her and not against her.

 

How can you personally assure him that she's working on the RS? Many people fall into relationships and loaf without putting in their share of any effort.

 

"She's not perfect either" has a commonly accepted interpretation other than literally what it means. It usually implies that someone has their own share of down sides that need major improvement, many of which other people don't have, so it's not a given.

 

If you still don't know how you fit into a 'dynamic' of a relationship after 5 months then you are obviously not paying attention to the relationship. That should be resolved within the first three months and if the relationship is not progressing where it should it should be terminated. New relationship? I wouldn't refer to 5 months as anything 'new'.

 

If sex is important to him then he should be reminding her of that NOW. Not later but now because it gives her the opportunity to get out now instead of waiting around another year for this to be an issue.

 

To be fortunate is to have someone you're happy with. OP is definitely not content from what I see and in fact he is pushing for balance in a relationship which is to have some sex life rather than have it not exist.

 

Pal! Let me tell you. I completely agree with you and if you are having intimacy issues so early on in the RS then there is a problem, especially since sex is so important to you. If you think intimacy will just invent itself five years down the line then you're dreaming. Offer her the best that you can be, and let her offer you herself at best and if the two don't satisfy then move on.

[mr.mac]

The thing is I don't bring it up. And yes, I am very concerned about the sex part. A relationship that is still as young as ours shouldn't have had the sex die out in it 5 months into the relationship.

 

And I have been trying to control the anger better for the both of us. It's not always directed toward her like she thinks, it's many different things, but i've been working at it and controlling it better everyday. And I should add that my anger is just getting upset and being silent usually or being in a bad mood, it's never violent or anything like that.

 

It's not fair for me to be the only one working on stuff, she isn't perfect either and she's well aware of how big a part sex is of a relationship.

 

How can you personally assure him that she's working on the RS? Many people fall into relationships and loaf without putting in their share of any effort.

 

"She's not perfect either" has a commonly accepted interpretation other than literally what it means. It usually implies that someone has their own share of down sides that need major improvement, many of which other people don't have, so it's not a given.

 

If you still don't know how you fit into a 'dynamic' of a relationship after 5 months then you are obviously not paying attention to the relationship. That should be resolved within the first three months and if the relationship is not progressing where it should it should be terminated. New relationship? I wouldn't refer to 5 months as anything 'new'.

 

If sex is important to him then he should be reminding her of that NOW. Not later but now because it gives her the opportunity to get out now instead of waiting around another year for this to be an issue.

 

To be fortunate is to have someone you're happy with. OP is definitely not content from what I see and in fact he is pushing for balance in a relationship which is to have some sex life rather than have it not exist.

 

Pal! Let me tell you. I completely agree with you and if you are having intimacy issues so early on in the RS then there is a problem, especially since sex is so important to you. If you think intimacy will just invent itself five years down the line then you're dreaming. Offer her the best that you can be, and let her offer you herself at best and if the two don't satisfy then move on.

 

My assurance is based on my opinion of things. She took the time to respond to his letter, she asked if he was mad, etc. Just because she isn't trying in a way that is agreeable to him doesn't mean she isn't trying in her own way.

 

Did you even read the sentence where he mentioned she wasn't perfect? He pointed out that he is working on things, sex is important to him and she isn't perfect all in the same sentence. You can twist the words anyway you want but that's a very selfish approach. Just because she is aware of something does not mean she is required to just do what he wants nor does it mean she has some sort of downside.

 

To him 5 months is new and who are we to tell him otherwise? I have never heard that anything beyond 3 months is no longer considered new.

 

Telling her want he needs to be happy is fine. Pouting and playing games is not a healthy way to find balance within a relationship.

 

I agree that he is not happy and if he is not happy then he should decide to either move on or try to fix things. He's asking for opinions and my opinion is that he is trying to push the things that he wants upon her without trying to find common ground or at least understand her side of things.

[HankPrairie]

First of all to get it out so no one is confused anymore. We have been together for a little over 10 months now and live together in my house. 5 months was the mark when problems began to arise.

 

Second, I'm not sure how I'm being selfish. Mr. Mac, let's see how you would feel in this situation.

 

You start dating a girl. She's awesome, someone you could see spending your life with. The relationship is great, the time together is great, the sex is great and you fall in love with her. You come to notice that she is constantly getting text messages and phone calls at all hours from guys. She explains this is because all she has is guy friends and very few girl friends. You think about how the last girl you dated told you the same exact thing, only to find out she had been cheating on your the whole time. But you shrug it off. This girl is different. She's so much better. You realize they're just friends and leave it be, though it's always in the back of your mind. This is in the 3rd month of the relationship and she notices you slowly getting upset about all the calls and texts from guys. She gets frustrated that you're upset over her talking to people that are just friends. So she decides to remedy the problem.

 

In the next couple weeks you notice there's a lot less texts and phone calls and it eases your mind a bit. Come to find out that's because when you're around she puts the phone on silent and checks it as soon as you walk in the other room and tries to hide it before you come back. You find this suspicious and let her know. Even though it's true she turns it around on you and puts blame that she can't stand to see you angry anymore about it, so she has to hide it. While these arguments keep happening she believes you are unconfident and insecure. Over time in the next 2 months your sex life goes from everyday to every other day to 2 times a week to once a week to once every 2 weeks.

 

The real problem comes when your phone bill arrives one day. She used to text you throughout the day everyday. You notice that she isn't replying to your texts anymore or it takes hours in between. You figure, no problem, she's working, she can't be attached to her phone. When you read the bill she has a massive amount of text messages sent all to one number every couple minutes throughout the days she's ignoring you. Turns out this number is of a guy she knew through friends but never really spoke to that you guys had bumped into at the store. She had tells you he had texted her before, but it was just to be friendly and say it was good seeing her. Come to find out they talk all day everyday. He is constantly inviting her to come to the bar or just anywhere to "hang out". You find out that a few times when she said she was tired from work and staying in for the night she was actually out with him, but it was apparently all just "friendly".

 

You confront her about it as soon as you find out and tell her it's over. She begs and pleads and says she never went outside the relationship and even though they hung out and she lied, nothing ever happened.

 

You talk it all out and decide to give it a chance. She never talks to the guy again and you guys start to move on. She starts to text and call in the open again believing your over your anger from the incident. You believe it's ok but in the back of your mind you still find it suspicious. You start to make comments about her texting her "other boyfriend". Over time this gets very upsetting. She tells you that you need to get over it. Your intimate life, even just kissing and hugging is dwindling even more. She tells you that being angry all the time needs to stop. You begin to work on it to make the relationship better. She continues to text constantly with no regard of how you feel about and you still find her trying to hide that she's texting. You feel that you're past being upset about texting anyway, but the fact that she's trying to hide it is again , suspicious.

 

You control your anger that was caused by her screwing around with this guy. You still get upset sometimes, but nowhere to the extreme you did before. Nothing changes with her. You continue to do sweet things for her, give her massages, tell her you love her, buy her gifts, take her out, do things with her friends and family, etc. She doesn't change anything. No intimacy, backing away from kisses and hugs, never does things back for you like massages, gifts, etc.

 

You stop tying to initiate sex or any other intimacy because anytime you do she backs away. You start feeling rejected and hurt by your own girlfriend. You overhear her talk with friends about sexual things and how often she used to do it with other guys etc. You get angry that you treat her better and get treated worse. The anger about the situation only increases when you sit to talk with her about the lack of sex and she always throws you an excuse or lie, that once is debunked, never seems to change.

 

You get to the point where talking does nothing so you write a letter. She writes one back and says she isn't intimate with you anymore because you're not like you used to be at the beginning of the relationship, always happy and smiling. All you are is angry. It doesn't matter that you do everything for her, that your feelings have been hurt, gave the relationship another chance etc. She won't be intimate with you because you're not the super confident awesome happy guy you were when you first started dating. Back when she hadn't hurt you, back when she had sex with you all the time and kissed you and did things for you too.

 

So you seek out help on a relationship forum. You're told that all you care about it sex and she can't just be expected to have sex because you desire it. You need to work on things that she needs and wants to make the relationship better. Forget that you have been working on your temper, do all the things you do for her, which she never does back, and have never tried to force sex upon her (only bring it up). She's perfect and you're being selfish.

 

So now what's your next step?

[KG]

"So now what's your next step?"

 

I would guess it's time to take a break in the relationship. It sounds as if you've done everything you can. I'm sorry, but you truly tried.

KG

[waveseer]

Dump her, she doesn't respect you.

[jengh]

Wow, I'd break up with her... you love her more than she loves you, that's what it screams out to me. I'm not saying that to be harsh or mean, but she clearly has no respect whatsoever for you (after reading your most recent post here). I understand you're in love with her, but love doesn't always cut it. It's only been 10 months, I'd cut your losses and try to move on before you get even more hurt.