My parents. His parents. I just cant win -_-

[ay0_x]

(really really long)

 

My parents (and my boyfriend's parents) are Muslim. Basically this means I have to have their permission before getting married to anyone. Which, for people with normal parents, is fine, I guess. But my parents =/= normal.

 

My boyfriend introduced me to his parents and the rest of his family. They're all lovely people. It seems like they genuinely like me a lot. (I was as charming as I could be).

 

He then told me I should probably tell my parents about him. I don't know why I decided to listen. I shouldn't have, but I did. And it blew up in my face immensely.

 

My father (who has abused my mother and us kids since I was about 1, but this isn't the thread for it..) was really angry, saying "YOU'VE BEEN DATING SOMEONE FOR 2 MONTHS AND YOU DIDN'T TELL US?" and basically spat in my face and went on a tangent, swearing at me, swearing at my boyfriend, swearing and saying nasty things about his parents. But he didn't do anything unexpected.

 

My mother had a psychotic breakdown. She started yelling because my boyfriend hasn't gone to college and he's in a trade. She said things along the lines of...

 

"HE'S BRINGING YOU DOWN! LOVE IS MEANT TO LIFT YOU UP! You don't really love him! He doesn't love you! If you loved each other, you wouldn't be depressed and be taking anti depressants, his love would be enough to make you happy all the time! He wants you to quit school to be a nobody like him! Why do you love him? He's not rich! Is he good looking? THEN WHY DO YOU WANT HIM? I WANT YOU TO REPAY HIM FOR ALL THE GIFTS HE'S GIVEN YOU. AND NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN".

 

The whole situation ended in tears. I'm now pretending to my parents that he and I no longer see each other.

 

I'm 18 years old. I'm still a senior in high school until November 13th. I can't move out until then, it'd simply be too much stress, and either way I couldn't afford it.

 

My parents will never approve of this union. And that's fine, because it's my life, not theirs. I plan to cut my ties with them because they've never been productive to my happiness or my health.

 

My father will not approve full stop. My mother is really shallow and superficial and my boyfriend's appearance would NOT go down well with her.

 

The thing is, if I were to cut my ties with them, his parents would reject me, because they'd see it as really improper and wrong. He's very family oriented, and he couldn't be with a girl if his family turned their noses up at her, no matter how much he loves me. And I feel as though I can't ask him to.

 

Any insights?

[annie24]

i think you should go to university, get a degree, and then choose to marry whomever you love and who loves you back. i'm sorry your parents are living in the stone ages. but you are an adult woman, and soon you'll have to make adult decisions for yourself.

[ay0_x]

i think you should go to university, get a degree, and then choose to marry whomever you love and who loves you back. i'm sorry your parents are living in the stone ages. but you are an adult woman, and soon you'll have to make adult decisions for yourself.

 

Thank you for the reply but I dont think I was clear =\.

 

I've been planning to kick my parents out of my life for about 3 years now, I'm still going to do it.

 

But as soon as I do that, HIS parents will kick me out of his life. So to speak.

[annie24]

well, you know, if he can't man up and stand up to them, then he's not the man for you.

[ginger007]

Leads me to think your boyfriend will end up being like your dad...and the cycle continues...

[Ivory_Tower]

I'm so sorry to hear that! It sounds like a really hard situation to deal with. Your parents sound a lot like mine, they mean well, but they come accross as overbearing and really controlling.

 

They want the best for you, but the way they are communicating probably feels the exact opposite.

 

At this point I would just say hang in there, and then go to school so that you can get away from them! Once you are out and on your own you will be able to make your own decisions about who to love, and what YOU want to do.

[ay0_x]

well, you know, if he can't man up and stand up to them, then he's not the man for you.

 

Thanks but that's a tough pill to swallow.

 

Leads me to think your boyfriend will end up being like your dad...and the cycle continues...

 

How do you mean? =\

[annie24]

well, if you are going to be brave and stand up to your parents for your love, then he should be able to do the same thing. if he can't do that for you......... well..... yes, i agree, it's a tough pill to swallow.....

[dreamwarrior]

Boyfriends come and go, family is forever.

[ay0_x]

Boyfriends come and go, family is forever.

 

I think you missed the line where I said my father was abusive.

 

I don't want to leave my family because of HIM. I want to leave my family because of ME. Everyone from my psychologist to my aunties to my friends has no idea why I still live with them.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I think it's important to understand that in Islam, you don't need your parents' permission to marry, nor can anyone force you to marry. It is the woman's decision. Many cultures, however, like to take that decision away from women and call it part of Islam.

 

Soon you will be an adult and legally able to make your own decisions. As you know, there are consequences and benefits to every choice. I'm not sure what your solution will be. Clearly, you are not willing to let your parents run your life and you are planning to break from them soon. You cannot give this up just for your boyfriend. His family will reject you, you say, and if they do, so will he.

 

Is it possible that this relationship is not meant to be right now? Neither you nor he can compromise? So if that is the case, then you have to accept that it can't work right now. Maybe what you really have to do is stay true to yourself and see what *actually* happens, because what we think will happen often does not become reality when push comes to shove.

 

Also, I want you to stay in today. Today nothing has really changed except your parents know about it now, and they are mad. Give them some time to process and you think about your next move.

[Ivory_Tower]

Boyfriends come and go, family is forever.

 

True words if ever I heard them! That goes for your best friends as well.

[ay0_x]

Really? I've never heard of your first point =\. I've always heard that it's considered Zina (adultery/premarital sex) if a girl weds without her parents' permission?

 

Thank you for your insight, I was looking for insight and not really actions. I'm moving away for college next year, and neither my dad nor I ever want to speak to each other again. I'm still going to be in contact with my mother (because she's Mom and at the end of the day that''s what she'll be no matter what happens), but of course, she's not going to be such a major influence in my life.

[dreamwarrior]

I think you missed the line where I said my father was abusive.

 

I don't want to leave my family because of HIM. I want to leave my family because of ME. Everyone from my psychologist to my aunties to my friends has no idea why I still live with them.

 

No I didn't miss the line where you mentioned that your dad is abusive...so don't be so snippy. I never said you had to stay with your dad...now did I ?...did you see anywhere I wrote this?? Perhaps you can stay with another family member if they live close by.

[ay0_x]

No I didn't miss the line where you mentioned that your dad is abusive...so don't be so snippy. I never said you had to stay with your dad...now did I ?...did you see anywhere I wrote this?? Perhaps you can stay with another family member if they live close by.

 

I wasn't being snippy. The thread is about my mother and father, and when you said "family is forever" I assumed you hadn't understood the situation and I was simply clarifying.

[dreamwarrior]

I wasn't being snippy. The thread is about my mother and father, and when you said "family is forever" I assumed you hadn't understood the situation and I was simply clarifying.

 

I read your post not once, but twice. I never said stay with you parents. I am saying that no matter what you decide your family will always be your family. Believe me everyone has family and parent issues some worse than others, but the problems you are having with your parents are their own issues, but people have a way of taking their frustrations in life out on those closest to them. It's not right, but still it happens.

 

I didn't have parents growing up so I guess I feel that no matter what, I would try to work things out even if they are upset right now, give them time to calm down. Only thing you can really do once you graduate HS is do what's best for you and to make yourself happy, because your happiness is most important.

 

In 44 years I have learned alot about life and understand the world so very well.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Really? I've never heard of your first point =\. I've always heard that it's considered Zina (adultery/premarital sex) if a girl weds without her parents' permission?

 

Thank you for your insight, I was looking for insight and not really actions. I'm moving away for college next year, and neither my dad nor I ever want to speak to each other again. I'm still going to be in contact with my mother (because she's Mom and at the end of the day that''s what she'll be no matter what happens), but of course, she's not going to be such a major influence in my life.

 

Uh-huh. Well, question is, did God dictate that to Muhammad for inclusion in His last message, or did a human being make it up? That you will have to decide for yourself. This is off-topic, but if God says that women have to give consent for marriage and cannot be forced into it, then does it make sense that she needs her parents' consent?

 

I know what you mean about Moms. After being away for a bit, it is possible that that relationship might heal somewhat. Regarding dad, well, he would probably need a spiritual transformation first. IE stop being an abuser. My relationship with my mom healed a bit after some space. Dad is a different matter.

[ay0_x]

Uh-huh. Well, question is, did God dictate that to Muhammad for inclusion in His last message, or did a human being make it up? That you will have to decide for yourself. This is off-topic, but if God says that women have to give consent for marriage and cannot be forced into it, then does it make sense that she needs her parents' consent?

 

I know what you mean about Moms. After being away for a bit, it is possible that that relationship might heal somewhat. Regarding dad, well, he would probably need a spiritual transformation first. IE stop being an abuser. My relationship with my mom healed a bit after some space. Dad is a different matter.

 

I'm not Muslim by any sense of the word except perhaps by name. It's more important to me to make a point to people that if this marriage was to ever go ahead, they couldn't say it was invalid in terms of religion.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I'm not Muslim by any sense of the word except perhaps by name. It's more important to me to make a point to people that if this marriage was to ever go ahead, they couldn't say it was invalid in terms of religion.

 

Oh ok. I am Muslim. It bugs me when cultures use the religion to subjugate women. *stepping off soapbox*

 

The thing is, and I know I sound cliche, but you will realize this as you get older: People can say whatever they want. It does not make it true. The older you get, you will realize that the words of people who have no real authority behind them are often meaningless, and everyone will have an opinion on everything. Especially if you are a woman from a family steeped in a male-run culture.

 

It is nice to have other people be ok with one's actions, that's true. But you will soon realize that you don't need their acceptance in order to live, and you, a woman who is already quite the independent thinker, will then understand that you may not really want it if it means having to be untrue to yourself.

 

Good luck!

[dreamwarrior]

I left home when I was 17 (I grew up with relatives) and lived my whole life without any family around me, and never asked them for a dime. If you intend to cut your family out of your life let me tell you it's going to be a very hard life for you so be prepared....you will survive, but it will take alot of hard work. If you have other family members who are supportive it will make things alot easier.

 

If you are going to college that would be the best thing for you...study very hard and make a good career for yourself while your young and always depend on yourself and your instincts to guide you.

 

good luck to you.

[Jpo]

If I were you, I would attempt to move out when you can. It does not sound like a positive situation to be in and probably unhealthy.

 

From my own experience, and it is nowhere as bad as you describe your own, sometimes both parties just need to get away from each other for a while. My parents are Christian, and were extremely strict and attempted to micromanage my life growing up. It was not abusive in any sense of the word, but because of that I had a terrible relationship with my parents.

 

There was lots of yelling, and I would never share any part of my life with them. And like a lot of teenagers, I would purposefully do the opposite of whatever they told me. They actually attempted to keep me from dating anyone until I was out of college, which of course I did not listen to. This caused tons of relationship problems for me, trying to do it behind their back for years. Most ended badly and I blamed it on my parents for not being available to help guide me and talk me through them -- and the fact that I had to do it all without their knowing.

 

Well, I moved out for college and was away from them for a few years, and this really had a healing effect. Being away from them, and they from me, I think really changed the dynamics of the whole thing. They realized that I am my own person and they have to let me make my own decisions, and I, no longer blinded by years of childhood angst, gained perspective on their intentions for me, that they truly wanted to best.

 

It is so hard to fully understand things when you are right in the middle of them, and it is good to step back in order to grasp the bigger picture. In this case, it would be moving out or going away to school. To get away from the conscious and unconscious pressures that your parents put on you and find out who you really are.

 

Now, 22, my relationship with my parents is great. I had never told them I loved them since I was 8 years old, and truly did not, but now I do and tell them every time I see them. I go out with my Father for a few beers every week and always make sure to take my Mother out to lunch to catch up with her and fill her in on my life. It is a complete 180 from they way it was only 4 years ago.

 

If I were you, I would put all these worries about marriage on hold. You have only been dating this guy for 2 months and you really are young. Go out and do your own thing for a few years, and then come back to this problem. Maybe it wont be any easier, but I think that the wisdom you gain, however hard it comes, from separating yourself temporarily from your family will help you immensely on finding the best solution and learning to cope with it.

 

Sorry this is so long, but I feel, in the smallest possible way, that I relate to you a bit. I used to wonder what I would do if I wanted to marry someone, since I refused to even broach the subject of females with my parents. I'm not saying everything will turn out as well as it did for me, and I truly hope it does, but I think that the questions you are asking cannot not truly be answered until you get out of this suffocating situation and hopefully remove some of the ingrained biases.

 

Good luck.

[pinkelephant]

His parents would still think it's improper even when they understood the situation?? If they knew how abusive your father is? I would think that if they grown to know you, love and trust you (over a long period of time), they would more likely to support you in your decision - because it will protect you.??

[ginger007]

Thanks but that's a tough pill to swallow.

 

 

 

How do you mean? =\

 

My father was a lot like yours, very abusive, my parents' beliefs stemmed from religious values but they weren't exactly religious nor knew what they were doing (no church, no baptisms) probably because they were only 19 and 20 when they got married. I was always scared to death of my father to the point that at age 13 I wasn't talking at all to him, I couldn't even look at him, I would hide as much as possible. After I went away to university, things slowly started changing, it will never be a fulfilling relationship but at least we can say one or two sentences to each other before it feels awkward. This is probably because after all those years he maybe realized he was being abusive to me for the sake of 'values' he didn't even know very well.

 

 

In this case, I can say that my father changed probably because there was no solid religious base, luckily.

 

In your boyfriend's case I think there is a solid religious base to his actions (from what you state), and if he at this point is not willing to give up certain aspects as you are intending to do, I do not think that it will change for the better. The situation is easier for him.

 

You say family means a lot him, well imo it's not 'family' that means a lot to me, but people who genuinely care about me that mean a lot to me. With my experiences (which might have been similar to yours) the term 'family' has come to mean abuse, lies, self-incarceration, really nothing positive.

 

So I would wonder regarding your boyfriend whether he genuinely cares about the people he calls family, as opposed to he merely saying he cares about 'family' as an institution that is accepted within a certain context (religious or societal).

[ginger007]

True words if ever I heard them! That goes for your best friends as well.

 

They are true only for certain people. Some people grow up in abusive households. I genuinely believe my mother should have never married nor have me. My biological parents are not exactly family to me, my brothers, yes two of them are.

 

Generalizations like that really make me want to vomit. So far all the boyfriends have had have not come close at all to the way my father treated me, and in a way they fill the void he has made in my life, because he deprived me of a loving father. Have your father drag you around the floor and hit you with a belt leaving welts and then tell me family is forever, really generalizations like that are sick.

 

Family is not a beautiful, desirable thing by itself, a functional, loving family is.

[ang]

Do what you have to do. It's good you're still with your boyfriend. You are an adult. Your parents may never approve but you know you're happy with your man.

I had to date my fiance secretly for 3 1/2 years but now I'm not. My parents are still adjusting but I did something about it and now I'm glad.

I hope things will get better, live your life the way you want to live it. Good luck!