Can't Stay Interested

[TalELA]

Thanks! This was a very useful post! You definitely understand where I am coming from! Have you ever heard about the theory that fantasies cannot become reality because once they do, they are no longer fantasies? That is somehow how I feel about dating. The chase is definitely more fun than the catch, and the catch is usually not all it's cracked up to be.

 

I think a big issue is that I need to find a guy who is willing to stand up to me and tell me when I'm being irrational. So many guys are too willing to accommodate me. For example, instead of telling me to deal with it, they try to stop their habits to please me. This makes me lose respect for them or perceive them as being weak.

[waveseer]

end of the OPs second post. pursues guys she feel she can't have and when she gets them, she loses interest. Commitment phobes love datng 'unavailable' people........they can hide their own unavailability behind that of the other person. If they date 'available' people, they soon sabotage

 

Oh, okay. I stand corrected.

[Batya33]

Thanks! This was a very useful post! You definitely understand where I am coming from! Have you ever heard about the theory that fantasies cannot become reality because once they do, they are no longer fantasies? That is somehow how I feel about dating. The chase is definitely more fun than the catch, and the catch is usually not all it's cracked up to be.

 

I think a big issue is that I need to find a guy who is willing to stand up to me and tell me when I'm being irrational. So many guys are too willing to accommodate me. For example, instead of telling me to deal with it, they try to stop their habits to please me. This makes me lose respect for them or perceive them as being weak.

 

Glad I could help. I think there's a fine line between someone who is assertive and reasonably confident on the one hand and someone who is tactless/mean on the other hand. Be careful that you're not craving being put in your place in a mean or obnoxious way because although that keeps the challenge going, once you develop more self confidence you'll hate it. And of course if someone changes his habits because he knew he needed the motivation to change or he'd been working on it anyway, you would still respect that, yes?

[TalELA]

Answer me this question honestly. If you want a committed relationship so much, why do you seek unavailable men?

 

I don't seek unavailable men, it just happens. I don't know if it's because I think they are "safe" because there is no potential for commitment or what. My mom is the same way. She's dated married men ever since her and my dad split up. I hated her for it when I was a teenager and will not do the same thing, but hate that I have the tendency! It's really embarrassing to admit this...

[Batya33]

I don't seek unavailable men, it just happens. I don't know if it's because I think they are "safe" because there is no potential for commitment or what. My mom is the same way. She's dated married men ever since her and my dad split up. I hated her for it when I was a teenager and will not do the same thing, but hate that I have the tendency! It's really embarrassing to admit this...

 

But it doesn't just happen - you make a decision to go forward despite his unavailability. If you want a man who is not passive then you have to be sure not to be a passive person yourself. Good for you for admitting it!!

[TalELA]

But it doesn't just happen - you make a decision to go forward despite his unavailability. If you want a man who is not passive then you have to be sure not to be a passive person yourself. Good for you for admitting it!!

Just to clarify, I don't go forward. I've never gotten involved with an unavailable man. It's just that I frequently (too often for it to be a coincidence) find myself attracted to them. Who knows, the same thing that happens with available men could happen if I were to get involved.

[furious]

Is it possible you're rushing yourself? You're only 26, yet you seem frantic to settle down and get married.

[TalELA]

Is it possible you're rushing yourself? You're only 26, yet you seem frantic to settle down and get married.

I'm not frantic to get married, and am content with being single at the moment; but, I worry that I am NEVER going to be able to find a fulfilling relationship because I just can't seem to stay interested in anyone. I would like to be in a relationship for the companionship (haven't had a real relationship in 3 years and miss it), but am certainly in no rush to get married or start a family...however, those are things I would like to do in the future (like in the next 4-8 years).

[Circe]

Do you mind if I ask what your dating situation is like now? I seriously worry about my future!

 

I'm married and very, very, very happy.

 

When I first started dating my husband, it only lasted two weeks. I had that same "repulsed" feeling I get with everyone because I just knew it wasn't going to work.

 

I was still getting over a broken heart (with the one guy i had wanted a relationship with without getting repulsed and believed could be "the one").. and I just could not date someone else.

 

I thought I could but I couldnt.. and I started to feel as I always do. I told him exactly why I was breaking it off and did so. I just could not continue.

 

Years passed.. I got well and truly over my broken heart.. and we tried again.

 

Initially I wasnt sure that he was "the one" for me at all.. so I had trouble with those old negative feelings again and I definitely tried to push him away. One month into dating.. I felt that whole "I'm repulsed.. can't continue" feeling again and I broke up with him. Again. But then something happened (I'd tell you but it's really embarassing) that very same day which made me realise that this man cared about me. And that he was a good, loyal person with a good, courageous heart.

 

And then things changed. I stopped pushing him away.. I stopped feeling "repulsed" and some real feelings started to grow and they got stronger and stronger and stronger.

 

We are now married, I adore him with every morsel of my heart, I literally thank God (I'm not even religious) every day for bringing him to me, and I can't stop thinking how lucky I am to be with someone I love who loves me in return. And I am so, very, very happy.

[atelis]

I don't seek unavailable men, it just happens. I don't know if it's because I think they are "safe" because there is no potential for commitment or what. My mom is the same way. She's dated married men ever since her and my dad split up. I hated her for it when I was a teenager and will not do the same thing, but hate that I have the tendency! It's really embarrassing to admit this...

 

and then you wonder why you have commitment problems.

 

Talela, you can run and hide and deny all you want. You have a classic case of commitment phobia and you sabotage or avoid relationships. I think deep down you know it. It's time to admit it and seek help for it. Commitment phobia has it's roots in childhood and the relationship you had with your parents. The root of the problem for all commitment phobes is a fear of closeness.

 

You can tell me all you want that you want a close committed relationship, but the fear resides in your sub conscious, not your conscious mind and that's where the behaviour comes from. So consciously you tell yourself you want to be in a loving relationship, but your sub conscious fear overrides any attempt you make to do that.

 

Don't make any more excuses. you are still young and you should get help now otherwise you will be like me and have a string of failed relationships deep into your 30's

[TalELA]

What kind of help is out there for something like this?

[Cabinfever93]

I just made an account because I've never met someone with the exact same issue. Literally everything that you've said is 100 % mutual. I've had this problem since I started the dating world. I have normal relationships with friends & family but when it comes to intimate relationships I can't keep interest. The first few weeks I'm completely flattered & lustful of the person but then just randomly the moment hits me that I'm completely repulsed in that person & of myself for even being with them sometimes. It's completely me at fault I do understand but I don't know how to fix it. It became so bad that I thought I could be gay when I was younger so I started dating strictly girls from age 17-21. I was in a committed (abusive) relationship with a woman from age 18-20. I'm not sure if it was the fact she wasn't that interested in me but mostly used & cheated on me the whole relationship it was like a challenge for me that I had never had but that is the only person I have seemed to keep attraction with. I am now 22 & noticing I am starting to find more interest in guys & want a relationship more than anything. I am stable, I'd say decently attractive, financially independent, career started, ambitious, woman. I just want to start building a foundation with someone but can't make something last because I always lose connection with the other person.

[RosesSOS]

I'm in the same boat!! I've also never signed up for a forum thing like this but what you said describes me perfectly. I'm 18 and I have never been able to carry on a relationship for more then a couple months. The longest was a long distance relationship, but after we met each other in person, I ended our six month "thing". Every guy has liked me back and been "crazy for me" and I hate myself for being disgusted at them, but I cannot help it. I get this terrible anxiety about seeing them and I avoided any attempt they make to try and kiss me or have physical contact. I also have been so frustrated I've begun to wonder if I'm lesbian.... I want a husband and family though, I just don't understand why my brain turns these perfect guys into my worst nightmare

[notalady]

This is an old thread.