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Can't Stay Interested


TalELA

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I'm an attractive, successful, 26 year old female. I date frequently and occasionally meet someone that I am interested in. However, for some reason I cannot stay interested. Every relationship goes the same way: I feel attracted and interested, we start dating, after a few weeks I am not only not interested, but I am repulsed by the person. Everything about them bothers me to the point I don't even want to try and talk it out. I want to be able to have a successful relationship, and it's not going to happen if this keeps going on! I am to "why bother?" point now because I know how things are going to go. Does anyone ever feel this way or know anyone who is similar?

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you are scared so you sabotage relationships or avoid them altogether. What are you scared of? Look back to your childhood for the possible answers. Do you fear being abandoined? Do you fear self disclosure? Do you fear closeness?

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you are scared so you sabotage relationships or avoid them altogether. What are you scared of? Look back to your childhood for the possible answers. Do you fear being abandoined? Do you fear self disclosure? Do you fear closeness?

No, actually I want those things. It gets worse as time goes on. As a teenager I did the typical dating that all girls do and had a couple longer relationships in my early twenties. Now I can barely find someone that I would like to have a second date with. It is very frustrating. I've tried giving guys the benefit of the doubt thinking that it is just a stage I go through, but the feelings of being irritated with and unattracted to them get stronger and stronger. I don't know if it's a commitment issue....I do find myself attracted to guys that I feel like I can't have. However, once I do get them (if I do), I fall into the same pattern.

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I think you don't trust yourself to pick the right person, so inevitably, any person you pick you're going to 2nd guess, find flaws, and then focus on those flaws to the point of repulsion.

 

It's not weird... just a fear of making the wrong choice. And it's a valid fear, to be honest. In this modern era, with so many divorces and failed relationships, it's clear than many people do indeed make the wrong choice.

 

I think some people are meant to find their mate early on. Others are meant to find the right person much later. You may have several things in yourself you need to explore first before you know yourself well enough to confidently pick someone and trust your judgment.

 

I'd recommend not worrying about it... go out there and climb Everest, run a marathon in Arizona, go diving off the shore of Australia, stand in the impenetrable forest in Uganda... just suck up life for another few years. Eventually, everything will come together.

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You aren't ready, be easy on yourself you will know when it is time and don't settle. Maybe you are really in tune with red flags and loser characteristics, you know what you want that is awesome...just wait you will find a good one...

There are always, always red flags....despite the fact that I've dated some really awesome and successful guys. I know that I am too picky (maybe even unrealistically picky), but I have no idea how to stop picking guys apart! Once I notice something I don't like, I can't stop noticing it. I've stopped seeing people for silly things like because they chew too loudly or made one comment that I thought was stupid! It's ridiculous and I am totally aware of that, but I can't stop!

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I'm assuming it's personality traits that repulse you and not physical traits? Or both?

Personality traits. More specifically, habits...like nail biting, clicking pens, chewing with mouth open, etc. All little things that shouldn't matter, but drive me crazy. Sometimes they're more personality related, like not being assertive enough, or not being good enough at mingling.

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No, actually I want those things. It gets worse as time goes on. As a teenager I did the typical dating that all girls do and had a couple longer relationships in my early twenties. Now I can barely find someone that I would like to have a second date with. It is very frustrating. I've tried giving guys the benefit of the doubt thinking that it is just a stage I go through, but the feelings of being irritated with and unattracted to them get stronger and stronger. I don't know if it's a commitment issue....I do find myself attracted to guys that I feel like I can't have. However, once I do get them (if I do), I fall into the same pattern.

 

when people fear commitment, they fear closeness. They fear giving and receiving love.

 

when you date guys you can't have you are effectively sabotaging. The chances of the relationship working are quite low, so it gives you an excuse to avoid a committed relationship. Same with having unrealistic expectation or seeking 'perfection'. It gives you an out.........something is never right for you, so it gives you a reason to avoid a relationship. Your sub conscious develops a number of 'defences' to avoid relationship/commiment and this is generally because of fear.

 

Being a commitment phobe has nothing to do with being or not being ina relationship. Plenty of commitment phobes have plenty of relationships, but they are never fully committed. That is the misconception......that commitment phobes fear relationships. They don't necessarily fear relationships, they fear closeness in a relationship.

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when people fear commitment, they fear closeness. They fear giving and receiving love.

 

when you date guys you can't have you are effectively sabotaging. The chances of the relationship working are quite low, so it gives you an excuse to avoid a committed relationship. Same with having unrealistic expectation or seeking 'perfection'. It gives you an out.........something is never right for you, so it gives you a reason to avoid a relationship. Your sub conscious develops a number of 'defences' to avoid relationship/commiment and this is generally because of fear.

 

Being a commitment phobe has nothing to do with being or not being ina relationship. Plenty of commitment phobes have plenty of relationships, but they are never fully committed. That is the misconception......that commitment phobes fear relationships. They don't necessarily fear relationships, they fear closeness in a relationship.

I agree to an extent; however, all other relationships in my life are very successful. I have no problem getting extremely close to friends and disclosing personal information. It is very specific to my love life. And the problem is I want a relationship! I want the closeness and companionship! I don't feel like that is something I am afraid of, I just can't find someone that I want it with! Does that make sense?

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Women like you should take a look at yourselves and pick YOU apart before judging others. Then you will realize that you must get your head out of the clouds lower your standards. Imagine some guy holding you to the high standards you have for them. What if you got some food stuck in your teeth. Would that be a deal-breaker? You're not a bad person but your behavioral patterns are unrealistic and childish and as you get older the window of available decent guys will shrink and you'll be left with a bunch of true losers. That said, get some help and you may be able to escape this pattern before it is too late. on the other hand, maybe you should forego dating altogether. That way you will be sure not to keep disappointing yourself while leaving the poor dudes who chewed too loudly in your wake.

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anonguy77... I feel you are out of line in your judgments.

 

OP, I feel you. I am like you in many ways... decent looking, successful career wise, etc. I feel my standards are high also, but at the end of the day I'd rather be single than in an undesirable relationship. Keep your high standards. When the right guy comes along you'll know it.

 

-Kevin

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anonguy77... I feel you are out of line in your judgments.

 

OP, I feel you. I am like you in many ways... decent looking, successful career wise, etc. I feel my standards are high also, but at the end of the day I'd rather be single than in an undesirable relationship. Keep your high standards. When the right guy comes along you'll know it.

 

-Kevin

 

Kevin, it is clear from the OP's post that she, not the dudes she dates, is the problem. If she is feeling repulsed within a few dates, it is not the dating pool, it is her. I am urging her to get help and to remedy the flaws that are apparent from her own words while you encourage her to preserve the pattern. You are doing her a diservice by telling her there's nothing with this picture. I'll bet even decent looking, successful guys repulse her after a couple dates. Now is that normal or is it whack?

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I don't want to hijack the thread anonguy77, and you are entitled to your opinions, but you're way out of line and quite harsh. You don't know this girl, her history, her expectations, etc. She is aware of this "fault" she has otherwise she would not have posted the original question in the first place, right? That said, why is she wrong to feel the way she does? Perhaps she just hasn't found the right person. To suggest to someone to "...get your head out of the clouds..." and "...your behavior patterns are unrealistic and childish..." and to "...forgo dating altogether..." is nothing but YOU being rude and disrespectful.

 

Clearly this aspect of her dating life is something she is working on. You're not helping by reminding her of what she already knows. And your interpretation of my suggestion is incorrect too. I'm only suggesting that it's okay for her to feel the way she does, and not to "settle" for some lame guy. When people settle or lower their standards they become unhappy in life. Ambition is a good trait, not a bad one.

 

-Kevin

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I agree to an extent; however, all other relationships in my life are very successful. I have no problem getting extremely close to friends and disclosing personal information. It is very specific to my love life. And the problem is I want a relationship! I want the closeness and companionship! I don't feel like that is something I am afraid of, I just can't find someone that I want it with! Does that make sense?

 

it doesn't matter if all other relationships are successful...........i have dozens of friends, yet i have always feared a committed relationship. You don't open yourself emotionally to your friends the way you do to a partner, therefore you don't invest as much of yourself emotionally. There is always some distance between friends and that key is usually the physical intimacy that separates the relationships we have with our friends vs our partner.

 

You said in an earlier post that you suspected you might have a fear of commitment. If you suspect it, there is a high chance you do fear commitment.

 

All of the things you posted earlier suggest to me sabotaging behaviour.

 

Answer me this question honestly. If you want a committed relationship so much, why do you seek unavailable men?

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I think I said something similar to this to a guy yesterday...

 

When you meet the man who "does it for you" he could have any or all of the habits you find so annoying in the men that don't do it for you and you will think those same habits are endearing. Not to worry.

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I think I said something similar to this to a guy yesterday...

 

When you meet the man who "does it for you" he could have any or all of the habits you find so annoying in the men that don't do it for you and you will think those same habits are endearing. Not to worry.

 

when someone says they are attracted to unavailable men, that rings all sorts of alarm bells and none of them have to do with a simple matter of 'not doing it for her'.

 

The one and only reason people chase unavailable partners is that they are unavailable themselves.

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when someone says they are attracted to unavailable men, that rings all sorts of alarm bells and none of them have to do with a simple matter of 'not doing it for her'.

 

The one and only reason people chase unavailable partners is that they are unavailable themselves.

 

I read the whole thread, but maybe not carefully enough. I didn't see anywhere that the men were unavailable. I read that she quickly lost interest (which probably means she wasn't feeling it).

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Kevin, it is clear from the OP's post that she, not the dudes she dates, is the problem. If she is feeling repulsed within a few dates, it is not the dating pool, it is her. I am urging her to get help and to remedy the flaws that are apparent from her own words while you encourage her to preserve the pattern. You are doing her a diservice by telling her there's nothing with this picture. I'll bet even decent looking, successful guys repulse her after a couple dates. Now is that normal or is it whack?

 

anonguy77 speaks the truth... OP needs to work on herself, figure out what the root reason why she doesn't give, in her own words, "someone that I am interested in" a chance and why she's "unrealistically picky". i would venture that it's a lot easier to dump somebody before they have a chance to find out the real you and potentially dump you first.

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I read the whole thread, but maybe not carefully enough. I didn't see anywhere that the men were unavailable. I read that she quickly lost interest (which probably means she wasn't feeling it).

 

end of the OPs second post. pursues guys she feel she can't have and when she gets them, she loses interest. Commitment phobes love datng 'unavailable' people........they can hide their own unavailability behind that of the other person. If they date 'available' people, they soon sabotage

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after a few weeks I am not only not interested, but I am repulsed by the person. ...Does anyone ever feel this way or know anyone who is similar?

 

Me!!

 

I was like that. It didn't take me very long to feel whether there was a chance that someone was right for me.. or no chance.

 

Once it occurred to me there was "no chance" I'd feel repulsed by the person. That's because the idea of having or developing an intimate bond (whether that be emotional or physical or both) with someone who I just knew I couldnt be with "forever" just sat really badly with me.

 

But then I am very much a "one man" person. I have always wanted to be truly intimate with just the right person. I've never been interested in experimenting just for the sake of it or having many relationships just for the experience.

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Me!!

 

I was like that. It didn't take me very long to feel whether there was a chance that someone was right for me.. or no chance.

 

Once it occurred to me there was "no chance" I'd feel repulsed by the person. That's because the idea of having or developing an intimate bond (whether that be emotional or physical or both) with someone who I just knew I couldnt be with "forever" just sat really badly with me.

 

But then I am very much a "one man" person. I have always wanted to be truly intimate with just the right person. I've never been interested in experimenting just for the sake of it or having many relationships just for the experience.

Do you mind if I ask what your dating situation is like now? I seriously worry about my future!

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Kevin, it is clear from the OP's post that she, not the dudes she dates, is the problem. If she is feeling repulsed within a few dates, it is not the dating pool, it is her. I am urging her to get help and to remedy the flaws that are apparent from her own words while you encourage her to preserve the pattern. You are doing her a diservice by telling her there's nothing with this picture. I'll bet even decent looking, successful guys repulse her after a couple dates. Now is that normal or is it whack?

If you read my post you would realize that I am obviously 100% aware of everything you just said. I'm asking for advice, not a summary.

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anonguy77... I feel you are out of line in your judgments.

 

OP, I feel you. I am like you in many ways... decent looking, successful career wise, etc. I feel my standards are high also, but at the end of the day I'd rather be single than in an undesirable relationship. Keep your high standards. When the right guy comes along you'll know it.

 

-Kevin

Thanks Kevin. I agree that lowering standards is not something I want to or am willing to do. I always say I'm not going to settle for being content...I am going to be happy! I am just to a point in my life that friends are getting married and having children, and I am always the single one. It also wears on me. I mean, I feel guilty! I know that I am unintentionally hurting people and that sucks!

 

People have implied that I have a fear of being hurt, so I do the dumping first. I disagree. I would love to be in a situation that I am interested enough in a person for me to actually care if they dumped me! I think it's much easier to be the person who gets hurt than to be the person who does the hurting.

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I used to be like that and I think part of it is that the thrill of the chase (with the unavailable men) distracts you from looking at their (so-called) "flaws" and you are used to feeling the thrill of the chase excitement. Once that level and type of excitement is gone, you're not able to be excited by the thought of seeing the person because that type of excitement is just not the same. (it can be as intense but the adrenaline and the feeling of insecurity (will he call? what did he mean when he said "x"?) is just not there.

 

Definitely, you need a man who keeps you on your toes - not in a game playing way because that gets old fast but because he is assertive and reasonably confident. But that's still not the same type of thrill of the chase excitement.

 

I am attractive, intelligent and successful too (not a model or even close but you know what I mean I hope) but it occurs to me that while that made it easier for me to be asked out/pursued I guess than someone who was unattractive, etc relationship skills are different -- just because you can get the first date or the second, the third, the skills required for staying power are not the same (and I mean in your case, your staying power).

 

As I type this what I realize was the difference for me in my current relationship (and I share this to give you something to think about) was humility. The humility of realizing that I had the same flaws -- or often worse! - than he did and it made me stop and think before getting internally or outwardly critical of his - it wasn't that I rationalized - it was a head and heart conclusion where I intellectually realized it and then felt it deep inside. The humility came from intimacy - from being in situations where I wasn't proud of how I reacted, where I showed a bad/unattractive side, where he had to see me looking unattractive in some way.

 

That he saw me when I had a bad cold is not what I'm talking about - that's one of those things we're all forgiving about - I mean embarrassing or vulnerable situations where I dealt poorly with stress or lost my confidence, or said something really stupid at an important event or to someone on the street, or simply, where I was a big ole klutz.

 

It didn't feel negative to realize this - to the contrary it felt very positive and empowering and human. It's funny -those little things that annoyed me a great deal in the beginning now I either don't notice or if I do often times I find them cute or funny. Maybe because I am more forgiving of my own imperfections? (I add that as something for you to think about, not trying to make this about my self analysis). And now I laugh when I remember the things that used to bother me so much.

 

Oh and part of it is that once you're in a real relationship and have to be a team in making big and little decisions, there's no time to waste on harping on flaws (or calling your friends to harp on flaws) -- and it's no fun to harp on flaws. Especially if you're both busy with jobs, responsibilities, etc, you want to have fun when you're together, not waste the time being critical over silly things or things that just need to be accepted and moved on from.

 

I disagree that it is because you haven't met the right guy - in some of those cases of course that is why but in most cases I think you are the lady who protests too much - you say you want what your friends want, you think you want what your friends want but you're expecting to feel the thrill of the chase excitement and when these guys become human and pick their nose or laugh in a goofy way or slurp, etc it's a rude awakening for you and it destroys the dream and that dreamy excitement. The other part of the rude awakening is when Mr. Slurp calls when he says he will and expresses interest (not in a clingy way - that's a turn off! - but in a normal, let's explore this potential, way).

 

Your friends were able to get past this and feel excited by getting to know the person -- they may tell you that they find the flaws "cute" but my guess is that they went through the annoyance stage too. I am not saying you should settle at all or forgo the excitement but every one of your happily married friends do not feel the thrill of the chase excitement (by definition, the chase is over) - they may be with someone who keeps them on their toes but not in the same way as thrill of the chase and my guess is that while they love the challenging part of the relationship they are happiest with the comfort of feeling "at home" with someone and wouldn't trade that for the world.

 

And don't think that it was all because your friends fell hopelessly in love and that is why the flaws were cute - obviously feeling love is part of it but feeling in love is not enough especially after the honeymoon phase- sure those feelings can smooth over the annoyance faster - but you will get annoyed, you will be turned off at times but it's not just the butterflies that will get you over that - in fact often it's not the butterflies (or feeling "in love") at all - it's that head and heart decision of I made this commitment, I accepted this package with its flaws and then the humility kicks in.

I recommend a book published awhile ago - in 1987 - called A Fine Romance by Judith Sills - she discusses this stage and others and I found it a sensible and intelligent read.

 

Good luck.

 

ps my dating situation is that I'm a 42 year old newlywed. I dated hundreds of men from ages 14-almost 39 and was in several serious long term relationships, including one with my husband many years ago.

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