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I dont really get why the really bad stuff in life is supposed to help you


mr me

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Im right now at my lowest Ive ever been and its pretty much bothering me. I dont seem to have anything that has happened to me that has really made this any easier. Its like your supposed to just ignore the bad things or try not to focus on it but in reality things are haunting me and im almost like begging for things to not get any worse because i dont know what else to do. I am trying not to talk about the things bothering me because i really cant even think about them anymore. Its like your supposed to somehow find some inner strength or some type of way to cope with life but its not working for me. I dont even know why im not suicidal because usually i would be if i really felt this way. I just feel like my whole body is completely exhausted and my mind is completely worn out. Its like your supposed to find something to help you get thru this but i dont see that happening for me. I dont really see myself gettin close or gettin help from anyone. I go to my therapist once a month because i cant really go anymore because of no insurance. I dont even go out that much because all i can really do is try to get lost in my own world because too many things trigger me and then i just end up going into a self-destructive downward spiral. I have so much anger that i dont even know how im supposed to do anything because if i get stressed out at all then im like just in bad place trying to deal with rage. I keep on seeing how i somehow am dealing with defense mechanisms that i dont even know how to deal with because i dont even understand them. Im not even sure if i should be writing anything because people will just start telling me that i should be doing this or that and even if ive done them then things dont change much. I just dont really have the energy to argue with someone on how im supposed to be doing things when all i can do is try to not completely shut down or try somehow to survive this. I just hate things like this because its like no matter what i do things will probably just stay the same way and im just stuck feeling like this.

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I guess im not sure if i should be posting this here because i wouldnt want to have this become something that its not. I can see that im in a victim mindset and people just keep wanting me to do things to get myself thru this or somehow help myself. I dont think people see that if thats really the way im dealing with it then thats probably because for whatever reason thats what is helping me right now. I dont seem to understand why people like to feel some sort of way because im negative or down on myself or whatever it is. I learned from therapy that no matter what im going thru im supposed to learn that i have to be ok with however things are for me right now. If im suicidal or self-destructive then i am and thats ok. Its also sometimes because doing something that is negative is somehow helping me or is more my comfort zone. This is basically the problem i have with putting myself out there online because anyone can respond and usually that person will think they are right. Im not naive to the fact that more then 1 person can be right about something differently. I usually just end up helping myself alot more then anyone else could because no one really can understand everything that im going thru. Its just if i dont write then im not letting myself put this somewhere besides dealing with it just in my head. Im also not letting anyone if they really have anything good to say, say it. I guess again i dont even know if this matters that im saying this but i guess it doesnt matter that it might not matter.

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I guess i dont really get the journal section because for whatever reason even if no one hears what im saying or gets it, at least me writing it here seems to get me at least that feeling that im not alone. I guess it could really be a cry for help but thats basically what this is all about. I see myself and my life gettin so bad and there is really nothing i can do besides just deal with it. I hope that somehow it still turns out alright but i really dont even know anymore. I just feel like people give me advice on how to do things to make things better and they dont see how im not in a place to do anything better. I even go to a therapist and she basically doesnt give me any advice. I just talk about stuff and she understands how bad it really is for me. I couldnt even talk about most of my issues because i dont know if i could even believe someone could understand where im coming from. Its just at the same time then im trying to figure out how can i really deal with everything im going thru basically all on my own. I just dont get how going thru so many bad things can really help someone sometimes because of how basically everything im going thru makes me feel like this. I just feel like im in a lose-lose situation because im not really going to do anything that people will understand unless they have been thru it and then for me im supposed to deal with this on my own but its not like that just happens without me basically feeling like im going crazy.

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I wont to say something that i probably shouldnt but what i will say is thats only up to a certain extent. Things can end up being way too bad to where you cant learn from them. Its kinda like that with everything because too much of anything is never a good thing. I guess at least thats with alot of things. I dont really like it but im trying to be ok with people not being able to help me. Its hard because you never want to feel like your alone but thats pretty much the case. I can say that in some very general ways i might be able to relate somewhat.

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I understand what you mean, sometimes it's not a temporary thing that can be analyzed in a black and white way and deemed 'just something to learn from'. Sometimes you just have to fall back, allow yourself to feel the complete extent of your sadness. This is something I learned recently, there is so much advice telling you to move on etc, but I have learned that you need to allow yourself to feel the pain and the negativity and not be ashamed of it and hopefully that will eventually 'purge' the sadness away.

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Its good that someone could hear what i was saying or where i was coming from. I think another thing im trying to learn is to be ok with things being bad. Its pretty much that im a person that likes to fix things but alot of stuff is out of my control right now. Its hard because i want to make things better but at the same time i cant change everything so quickly. I guess i was also talking about how even when you feel really down or depressed that sometimes you have to try to make it thru those. I used to block out alot of stuff but slowly im trying to actually be able to deal with it.

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