Obervations on "emotional affair" with co-worker.

[Luke Skywalker]

I guess I am just thinking how I would feel if I had to fuss and cry to make a man tell me he loves me. I wouldn't be happy at all.

 

It is not like that at all. I tell her that I love her too whenever she says that I love her. Sometimes I tell her that I love her as well out of the blue when we are talking.

 

I saw her again tonight. While I was sort of in a hurry to go, we relaxed and listened to some CD music, and she made out with me, we drove to another location, she gave me a hand-job (people were passing the car on the street, embarassing), kissed and left. She is moving to an apartment so we can do that sort of stuff in there instead rather than in my car.

 

I'm planning on seeing the co-worker tomorrow. This time I'm going to be primed up, have CD music in my car, and also put it in my mind to try and hug her or make some sort of physical connection with her. This section was unplugged because of my girlfriend, but now I'm going to re-program this and play with that.

[Luke Skywalker]

I still do not honestly know not know how to break up with my girlfriend, if she just came back from a retreat where she gets visions about me being together with her, etc.... She will say that I'm playing games if I don't want to be exclusive with her, or start trying to relax the boundaries of the relationship. The other problem is I'm sort of a 'submissive' to her and what she wants. For example, I'm not into french kissing her, but will do so to please her, etc.... She wont 'understand' or take any break-up talk from me, she can just probably talk me out of it.

[Miss Firecracker]

I still do not honestly know not know how to break up with my girlfriend, if she just came back from a retreat where she gets visions about me being together with her, etc.... She will say that I'm playing games if I don't want to be exclusive with her, or start trying to relax the boundaries of the relationship. The other problem is I'm sort of a 'submissive' to her and what she wants. For example, I'm not into french kissing her, but will do so to please her, etc.... She wont 'understand' or take any break-up talk from me, she can just probably talk me out of it.

 

 

That's scary, Luke.

 

I have a cousin that was like that, although she was very pretty. She would latch onto a man and never let go. She would go as far as to chase them down the road in her car. Once I was with her when that happened, and she came within an inch of wrapping her car around a tree. And I was on the side that almost hit it. So I do know women like this. This girl never married, and now she is a crazy old cat lady. She keeps probably 50 of them and can't allow anyone near the house. No human will have anything to do with her because she is too messed up.

[Luke Skywalker]

That's scary, Luke.

 

I think it's quite obvious if it was a normal girl that she'd probably see already that I'm not really into her, or I'm just going along with this. Fortunately there is some element that's a quasi-turn on for me. She's sort of like a 'black mama' to me the way she is taking care of me, and I like seeing her breasts or neck outline to face while french kissing even if I'm 'asexual' towards the actual french kissing. I didn't get hard on a hand-job she was giving me either, just a little hard.

 

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm some auto-erotic asexual or something, or I'm not getting turned on properly with this girl. This is the problem when I've adapted to mental and picture stimulation....what I enjoy about a real woman is that sort of 'silent communication' that comes when you are having a sexual sort of encoutner and having that eye contact or communication when you are trying to express yourself sexually. However, it seems that I feel more turned on sexually if I'm masturbating or imagining stuff while I'm private on my bed.

 

Now, if I was with a hot or pretty woman, I'm not sure if that would be any different, of if I'm really a bit asexual, or just not in the mood or horney when I was with her tonight.

 

I have a cousin that was like that, although she was very pretty. She would latch onto a man and never let go. She would go as far as to chase them down the road in her car. Once I was with her when that happened, and she came within an inch of wrapping her car around a tree.

 

Well, at least she was pretty. My girlfriend does not own a car. (smile).

 

And I was on the side that almost hit it. So I do know women like this. This girl never married, and now she is a crazy old cat lady. She keeps probably 50 of them and can't allow anyone near the house. No human will have anything to do with her because she is too messed up.

 

Thanks for sharing that story. Makes me feel better.

[Miss Firecracker]

I guess you will never know until you are with a very pretty woman how that would feel, Luke. Hopefully someday you will find out.

[Luke Skywalker]

There is nothing going on with this co-worker. Plans to have gone out to the financial place have cancelled since her brother is already involved into it. I do not honestly see myself asking her out or doing anything with her in the future despite the physical chemistry feels way stronger. I feel somewhat intimidated by her, but on the other hand, feel comfortable with my girlfriend. Need to be with someone I'm comfortable with, not intimidated by. Also, I think on a subconcious level, that I'm "friendzoned" already by her, and that's sort of the vibe that I feel, so again, I don't think there is anything to it. There is no plans to look out for any other girls.

 

There is no other woman out there that's competing for any attention from my girlfriend, so with her out of the picture, there is no further stress on this issue.

 

Again, this follows the belief that this co-worker is nothing further than a fantasy and is nothing worth risking any relationship over by making an unnecessary diclosure about it to my girl, and I think any other "pretty" girl apart from my girlfriend is also a fantasy. That's why I've rejected most of the arguements on here. I don't think it makes sense to create a wedge on my girlfriend to just chase fantasies, just like it didn't make sense a few years ago. If I'm totally settled that I'd rather remain single than be with an "unattractive" girl that I sort of feel somewhat 'asexual' with, and agree never to complain again anywhere, about my lack of experience with women, then at that point, I think I'll be ready, if ever, to break-up with my girlfriend.

 

The relationship will proceed on it's own merits, and if there is a natural point for it to come apart (i.e. the novelty of having a woman in my life or relationship has worn out and I'm starting to sort of get bored of it, or I don't see her as a mother-figure that's also takign care of me), then that's fine. If I lose the apetite to see my girl, then at that point I think the relationship will naturally fizzle.

 

I'm not feeling well right now. I think I've jinxyed myself by "trying" with this co-worker. I'm now starting to get nauseated. I have to believe that I can not get an attractive or pretty woman.....it's imaginary, this is a threat to this relationship if I get any glimmer of hope. I always get nauseated after I see this co-worker than think of french kissing my girlfriend. I hate it when I interact with a girl where there is physical chemistry and I actually feel interested.

[Luke Skywalker]

I There would be nothing wrong with your approach if we weren't talking about something that involves other human beings and their feelings. I get that you want to get experience and figure out what works for you. Life in general is often trial and error. But doing it in such a way that shows complete disregard for how your actions will affect those around you is not the way to do it. It's pretty obvious that all you care about is yourself and what you can learn and whether this is good for you. As long as you get what you want out of it, then who cares what happens to anyone else?

 

I disagree with this because I feel my girlfriend is getting what she wants out of spending time with me, or doing what she's doing when she's with me. It doesn't seem like I'm really enjoying myself either if I'm feeling 'asexual' around her, or do not like the smell coming from her breath sometimes.

 

The other available ways of getting 'experience' have been very unacceptable in contrast with this, (i.e. going on adult-friendfinder, seeking the servies of a prostitute, buying a real-doll, or going on a third world country for a sex tour), so there are actually worst ways as far as I see that are out there that are unnatural, risky and more demeaning. At least this is still a natural interaction, where a girl is interested in me and I'm interested in her (enough) that there is enough juice for it to work for now.

[Kantriakhor]

When you're planning for a relationship to end that's usually a good time to break up with the person otherwise you're just being selfish, cowardly, and manipulative. Just because there are worse ways to go doesn't make your way noble, kind, or moral.

 

I have a feeling if she was told everything, full disclosure from you (not that you would ever do that because that kind of honesty, the kind that directly affects you, scares the living light out of you) that she'd rather break up then stay with someone who's waiting for her to leave.

[Miss Firecracker]

I hear a lot of people say they are in relationships that aren't really going anywhere and that they just enjoy each other for the moment. I think it's not uncommon.

[Kantriakhor]

I hear a lot of people say they are in relationships that aren't really going anywhere and that they just enjoy each other for the moment. I think it's not uncommon.

 

How many of them are planning for the relationship to end? How many are being passive-aggressive about that timetable? How many of those relationship end with both parties feeling great about it? How many of those people you talk to have full disclosure with their partner stating their intent for the relationship to end?

[Miss Firecracker]

How many of them are planning for the relationship to end? How many are being passive-aggressive about that timetable? How many of those relationship end with both parties feeling great about it? How many of those people you talk to have full disclosure with their partner stating their intent for the relationship to end?

 

I don't know how many.

[Kantriakhor]

I don't know how many.

 

If you don't have numbers then all you can say it is has happened, you can't put a rarity on it and without the answers to my contextual questions then you only know one half of the story and for all you know the other partner may be seeing a classic storybook wedding down the road for them being unaware of the thoughts of their loved one. It's a classic duping/bait and switch scenario then, or to put it bluntly, lying by omission.

 

Relationships mean open honesty when it comes to the relationship, if both people acknowledge the relationship going nowhere yet still want to be in it for no other reason (likely loneliness) then that's fine, but Luke's position is having all the cards and only showing his partner a few of them while saying the others are known to her only if she has some kins of psychic connection and can know what he's posting without being told about it. It's an immature way of dealing with it and is manipulative.

 

I understand that you may sympathize with Luke but he's holding all the cards and is rationalizing it away as being "correct" because it's not as bad as what he could do (which doesn't make his current act moral at all) and basing that she likely knows because of a psychic connection that he's imagined in these posts.

[velvette]

luke is telling her he loves her, being nice to her, for all means acting as if he DOES love her--when he clearly doesn't. that is highly manipulative and extremely wrong. he's toying with her emotions. who cares if she's, in his words, 'crazy' or unstable or whatever. he's still contributing to her 'latching-ness' by encouraging her with his actions! it will be entirely luke's fault for her future heartbreak. oh god it makes me angry for her, poor girl who is also a *human being* does not deserve to be toyed with like this.

[Luke Skywalker]

My girlfriend just wrote an email to me.

 

It basically said that I have healed her, or am healing her by the love and affection that I am giving her, and even though I can't actually "help" her (au contrare, it's the other way around), she really loves my love towards her.

 

She also told me that she wants my love to continue towards her and for me to be true to her.

[Luke Skywalker]

luke is telling her he loves her, being nice to her, for all means acting as if he DOES love her--when he clearly doesn't. that is highly manipulative and extremely wrong. he's toying with her emotions. who cares if she's, in his words, 'crazy' or unstable or whatever. he's still contributing to her 'latching-ness' by encouraging her with his actions!

 

She likes those actions. She just wrote an email saying that I'm healing her. Therefore it's obvious I'm contributing something good in her life.

 

People on here are thick. I already tried to break it up with her, but she didn't accept it and talked me out of it. Look at the state of relationship. I don't want to introduce her to my family and I don't want to be introduced to hers. There is no definate plan to get married or engaged as that too is now up in the air (which is a compromise for actually totally breaking up with her).

 

With the last email she just sent, there is no way that I would be even thinking of that now. How can you do that if someone sends an email like that and tells you you are healing them and all of a sudden you try to break up with them.

 

If I withdraw from her she'll think something is wrong.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think Abraham Lincoln felt a similar way toward his wife, Luke. She was a little off and was said to have chased him down the street with a butcher knife in her hand. His comment to her was please, not outside. I guess he could handle that if no one else saw.

[Kantriakhor]

 

People on here are thick.

 

No need to be insulting, put down those rocks or you'll scuff up the lovely glass.

[Miss Firecracker]

I know what Luke is doing, but thanks for telling me. I believe everyone here knows what is going on. He's making is pretty clear.

[Kantriakhor]

I know what Luke is doing, but thanks for telling me. I believe everyone here knows what is going on. He's making is pretty clear.

 

It was more for Luke's benefit than your own, he still seems in the dark.

[Miss Firecracker]

It was more for Luke's benefit than your own, he still seems in the dark.

 

Oh, well since you quoted me I thought you were speaking to me.

 

 

No, I don't think he is in the dark at all. He's much more self aware than most people. And I don't know why you assumed I was sympathetic to Luke. I don't feel sorry for him. No, I am not Luke's sympathizer.

[Kantriakhor]

Oh, well since you quoted me I thought you were speaking to me.

 

 

No, I don't think he is in the dark at all. He's much more self aware than most people. And I don't know why you assumed I was sympathetic to Luke. I don't feel sorry for him. No, I am not Luke's sympathizer.

 

Then you empathize, I have no doubt that Luke's self-aware, but also delusioned with all his rationalizations though he is a bit better than he was earlier in the thread.

[Miss Firecracker]

Then you empathize, I have no doubt that Luke's self-aware, but also delusioned with all his rationalizations though he is a bit better than he was earlier in the thread.

 

Do I empathize? Not really. I am talking to Luke about his situation. He just wants to bounce ideas off others and is sharing his deepest thoughts. I enjoy hearing his adventures. I do not think I will change him, and I'm not trying. Just listening, that's all.

[Luke Skywalker]

I saw my girlfriend again last night and we looked at a movie together on the laptop, and had some 'outercourse' stuff inside my office at midnight. I bought mouthwash for her breath, and used some myself so she wouldn't feel bad. We french kissed afterwards. Honestly, I've never felt this close and comfortable to any woman before in my whole life.

 

There is no other co-worker or any other girl that is vying for my attention or that I'm officially purusing and think that without my girlfriend I'd really continue to be single. The problem is still that I'm not satisfied with her looks, because I still "feel" single if I'm around pretty women, or a couple with a pretty woman, but I also understand that this is something that I've settled with for now in my mind because I'm also trying to be realistic with what I have on my plate.

 

This way, I know that I will always be scoping or eyeing other pretty woman or trying to emotionally connect with a girl that suits my physical preferences (i.e. 6-7.5 in looks with a pleasant disposition, and in this case likely would be white or mixed background with long hair with at least C-size breasts), and see that if I can get away with a "hug", a pleasant conversation, or an occasional lunch or whatever, that this will probably be just the worst of it - because that is how I usually behaved being single to date, and do not see that sort of behaviour as changing now that I'm in a relationship with an 3-4 type black and fat girl that's open to me. This is simply a fact of life of settling being that I'm not going to be fully satisfied, and this is something that she'll just have to live with, and in a way, that I'll have to live with too.

 

To be kosher, what I could do is have a talk with my girlfriend about that, and just say from time to time, because she's way outside of my physical preferences, that this has occurred and will inevitably occur again, and if she understands this or is okay with it, or she understands she's outside my preference but explain why I like her, then I don't think there is any infidelity issue remaining because this is communicated to her and she understands this. I intend to have a conversation today with her about this and settle it once and for all with her. I think I am having a clearer grasp of my physical preferences, than ever before, and have gone beyond to this *having any woman is better than a doll * phase, so I can more clearly communicate this.

 

This whole thing will just look like I'm flip-floping from complaining about my girlfriend's looks and scouting or eyeing other women, to being comfortable and getting somewhat sexual with my girlfriend, so we are not going to have any progress here since I'm flip-flopping too much, and probably should spend more time with her to see what it is what I want. I think there are other sections or threads that should be made if any other issue comes up with her otherwise this will just turn into a blog.

 

As with other threads on here, I'll continue looking at this thread here as a reference as it's clarified 'emotional infidelity' and boundaries that would be affected with that.

[Luke Skywalker]

An email was sent to my girlfriend explaining that I'm seeing this as a casual girlfriend/boyfriend relationship (some reasons were put in that relate to pills she's taking and that the longer we are waiting, the less likely it will be for her to bear children since she's already passing that age), and that I'm going to have a tendency to want to do things if I have a relationship with her (i.e. eye other girls, seek an emotional connection with them by hugging, taking them out to lunch, etc...). I've said this in a way so that she won't feel bad.

 

However she replies, there can be no infidelity issue remaining in this relationship (assuming it survives that email). With all the threads I've made on this section, I really want to get rid of any infidelity issues, and set the standards of how this relationship is going to go.

[Miss Firecracker]

Good, Luke. I think this is the right thing to do. It will upset her, no doubt. But you are being very honest with her. I would be hurt if I were her, but I think she deserves to hear the truth.