Obervations on "emotional affair" with co-worker.

[Luke Skywalker]

***Again, this is not simply arbitrary rating scale, but allot of work, such as age appearance, poise, beauty, etc... is gone into making an accurate rating.***

 

I wasn't discussing your rating "skills"! It's the whole rating thing that I find abhorrent. I'm not arguing your point, she may be physically ugly or unpleasant, that happens, but you're being very weird about the whole of it!

 

How does she fit in your life? All I see from your posts is that you are repulsed or at least not at all attracted to her physically. You just seem to let her cling to you - saying she derives pleasure from it. She most probably does, but you don't feel the same, do you? This is not fair to her, I don't think there is a woman who wants a guy that does not love her really.

 

I'm trying to be accurate about it, objectively, I treat her very well when we go out and she has a pleasant time with me. It's not something I feel very badly about and I believe I'll eventually get used to it. There is no sense lying to myself and saying she's pretty and sexy when she is not.

 

She fits in my life like a glove. She is no demanding or imposing and is okay with me dealing with other girls whenever it comes up. I can go places with her. She just has the same sort of personality (i.e. can relax, enjoy long trips, can enjoy being alone, etc...) or I feel has the same vibe as I do. What I would do by myself and feel comfortable doing by myself, I can add her along to that world. If I go out with my parents, she can also tag along. There are no loyalty or trust issues with her.

 

Let's just say, if she didn't fit into my life, she would not have survived even one or two dates with me. People who don't belong in my life go like exploding meterors entering into the atmosphere.

 

I thought I said, I derive pleasure on the fact she derives pleasure from me. I enjoy seeing someone appreciate me sexually or romantically, because that, in itself, it turns me on, maybe it's a bit narcassistic, but I like being a sexual or romantic object to another woman. So, virtually, if anyone is attracted romantically or sexually to me, then I'm going to enjoy that type of attention (assuming that person is single of course.). I'm a sponge for stuff like that. I'm sure there is some minute aspect that is also attracted to her 'woman form', and feels that Haitian fire arising from her when she is french kissing me. I enjoy the 'imaginary' smell of the Haitian fire from this women when she is passionately kissing me and feel that it's really a french kiss right on how that kiss is expressed. She is french after all, and french people, including Black Haitians are very passionate when it comes to kissing. That's why they call it french kissing.

 

In fact, the first girl I had a french kiss from also had a french background of growing up in Montreal (even through she was from Nigaria Africa). They call it a french kiss for a reason.

[pui]

***narcassistic***

That's the word I was going to use myself.

Your "basking in that attraction" is what is not fair about this. What happens when you get bored with her attention?

[Luke Skywalker]

***narcassistic***

That's the word I was going to use myself.

Your "basking in that attraction" is what is not fair about this. What happens when you get bored with her attention?

 

I don't see that happening anytime soon.

 

Besides, what relationships here are permament? In lots of cases, attraction is lost, or love is lot, or whatever, even if it was a peak or genuine at one point. Here there is a juice or dynamic for this to work, even if it's 'indirect' in my case and direct on hers. In fact, I don't think it matters what you are attracted to, even if you enjoy the other person being attracted to you.

 

The way I see it, there is allot of juice from my end for this to go on for a while.

[ramonymone]

Is the objective of this relationship for you to use her as a catalyst, for you to attract better looking women(see Shallow Hal), or are you in this mindset of feeling a better sense of oneself, on account of you being a “fixer upper” on her behalf?

[Luke Skywalker]

Is the objective of this relationship for you to use her as a catalyst, for you to attract better looking women(see Shallow Hal), or are you in this mindset of feeling a better sense of oneself, on account of you being a “fixer upper” on her behalf?

 

I think to get a better sense of myself. If you look at all these threads I'm writing, including my own diary book, there is lots of introspection that is going on concerning this.

 

One of the sense of myself would be to understand that I would appear to be attracted to youthful looking women, or I may be more cogniscant of that now, than before. So, it's not necessarily older or same-age attractive women, we are talking about 10+ years yonger than I am. So I'm also aware of what I would "naturally" like, or would feel aesthetically congruent.

 

My girlfriend is now telling me that she never felt she would have children because she never meet a man that would take her seriously. Since her father was also a guy that slept around, and she grew up with her mom's side of the family, she didn't want to be with a guy that would give her kids and then run off. She is worried that guys do not take her seriously. After she meet me, now there is a hope risen on her that she may have children.

 

I don't know if this is further emotional blackmail because she is telling me this, we have not have any sex (or intend to), and I've never made any definate plans to marry her. She is certainly making me feel sorry for her as a means of deeping our relationship -- whatever it is going on, I'm going along with it since she's giving me attention. Her tendency is to make sorry stories designed to make me feel responsible or sorry for her rather than me coming to a healthy decision about this.

[ramonymone]

Why not find an attractive women, or someone you find attractive. Are you afraid of competiveness, is that the reason why you stay at a job that is hoo-hum but, allow you to interact with attractive women with the little obstacles.

[Luke Skywalker]

Why not find an attractive women, or someone you find attractive. Are you afraid of competiveness, is that the reason why you stay at a job that is hoo-hum but, allow you to interact with attractive women with the little obstacles.

 

Because I already have a girlfriend, and finding an attractive woman, or scoping out for one would be cheating unless there is an official break-up, and possibly until at least six months after a break-up to re-program my mind away from her.

 

There is a proper process of dealing with this. I think the right sort of decision is whether it is better remaining single than being with an unattractive sort of girl since this is the first relationship I have, she seems very serious with me, and I'm not confident in my ability to attract beautiful yonge girls into my life, otherwise I wouldn't have settled for this girl in the first place.

 

In my experience being single, I actually have not written any pity-party threads or expressed discontent at being single. My main problem with being single is that my thoughts, or auto-erotic behaviours tend to have taken rather extreme sort of directions that have freaked even my folks out. (i.e. using a fleshlight, or contemplating a real-doll, viewing pornography, etc...) I may have written 'weird' threads on here that were symptomatic of being "single", but thena gain, it seems I still "feel" single, when I see yonge attractive girls, since I'm not totally satisifed with my gf's looks.

 

 

In effect, having a girlfriend has helped me have a stronger shell and be less social because now I know at least I have someone and don't need to try anymore, and she's showing so much interest towards me, that I don't even need to put any work out to maintain her, or worrying about where she really stands. So, staying with my girlfriend encourages me to be lazy. Beautiful women may have aesthetic charisma and inspire me to work -- but so far, I think I'm too discouraged to feel that I can attract a real beautiful woman, maybe because of the competition.

 

So, All I can say is that I'm not seeing anyone else besides my girlfriend, and although I may subconciously be scoping around or wanting someone more attractive, there is nothing that is concrete about that, and my mind seems to be continually programming towards leaning towards my girlfriend as more 'blocks' or 'blind spots' are starting to naturally form towards single women in this environment. This happens when I tell my girlfriend that I like other girls -- don't know, weird I guess.

[Luke Skywalker]

Well, it appears this thread, or perhaps mood of things are taking on a bit of a twist. In the beginning, it appeared that I was not true with my girlfriend and am looking for every opportunity to 'emotionally cheat'. Now, it's beginnign to look like I just want an easy way out and excuse to stay in my shell and find order and balance in my life in the form of just staying away from pursuing attractive woman and settling in a woman I'm just comfortable with but barely attracted to. Let's face it, pursuing an attractive woman sounds like something that's emotionally exausting, time-consuming, and mental anguish (of the competition, not knowing where you stand, etc...), and inefficient in terms of other uses of time.

 

So, I"m not sure if this whole thing is just a cop-out to not pursue attractive woman, or if there are real issues of infidelity that are involved. The above poster appears to think it's more of a cop-out the way that post sounds like and this is not a "real" infidelity thread, but using infidelity as a cover for maintaining a shell to avoid getting close to any woman I may be intimidated by (due to competitiveness, attractiveness, worldly-smart, etc...) by staying with a woman I'm not fully attracted to (at least at the moment). But then again, isn't that what settling is about? Am I being true to myself even?

[ramonymone]

The premise of your beliefs is her being comfortable with her physical appearance, yet, you are categorizing it as her settling for less. It is very apparent in your way of thinking because you are informing us of what she rates on a scale (as of now), yet if she were to comply w/ your reasoning her number would increase by an increment of two.

 

How can you be critical of this woman when you yourself are settling for less? To name a couple would be, entering a relationship with someone that is unattractive to you, yet, you stay with her because it’s better than nothing, and it is comfortable. Secondly, your job, I don’t know what your finances are but you seem as though you are not making very much money there but, you stay there because there are attractive women there—who you will settle for friendship instead of trying to pursue more, all because it is too much work.

 

Pushing someone to aspiring standards (relationship wise), when you yourself have yet to achieved your personal standards is very hypocritical. You have painted this woman out to be lazy, but YOU are the one who is being lazy. By writing to talk shows, and various organization, in hopes of them shelling out money to “beautify” your girlfriend maybe hoping to build herself esteem via a make-over, proves that you have low self-worth and lack motivation, to do the leg work of going out and fiding someone you find to be more suitable. You pointing out her flaws instead of acknowledging yours is the classic case of making someone feel like sh-t so you can feel better about your ramshackled state.

[Luke Skywalker]

How can you be critical of this woman when you yourself are settling for less? To name a couple would be, entering a relationship with someone that is unattractive to you, yet, you stay with her because it’s better than nothing, and it is comfortable.

 

Right now it's a summer relationship. Her Aunt said to give me a try for my summer. My Aunt says I should try this out and see what happens by August. I don't think this is totally settled.

 

But, aside from the tech points, I would say that she is physically not attractive, or there is virtually no physical chemistry, but that is one of the reasons I feel comfortable with her is because she is not intimdating, or the type of women that guys would rush after. I practically do not have to worry about her being unfaithful, or some dude doing her from behind while she's talking to me on the cell phone and thinking she's faithful (heard that horror story somewhere).

 

Because of the emphasis of my Christian faith, and core Christian values, which includes seperation from the world, it's important for me to find a woman of faith who equally shares these values.

 

Sure, the people at the office may be attractive. However, the only two woman that I've had a connection with: one was taken (married), and the other is single, but she's into new age or is a catholic and there is a wedge on the difference of our spiritual beliefs. However, the physical chemistry is STRONG and she's really good looking. I'd pray for her from a distance, but since Christian values and beliefs are important and given even more weight than look then that is another reason why I would go for my girlfriend over her.

 

Part of the Christian beliefs is that God can answer a prayer based on what I need, not what I want, or filling the lust so to speak. If my current girlfriend gives me what I basically need, and I'm not really lusting over her, I'm not idolizing her, then that sounds like something that is natural. If I had a girlfriend that just turns into an idol or draws me away from God because she has a different belief/value system then that's another issue.

 

Secondly, your job, I don’t know what your finances are but you seem as though you are not making very much money there but, you stay there because there are attractive women there—who you will settle for friendship instead of trying to pursue more, all because it is too much work.

 

When you are working in Real-Estate, it doesn't matter what office you are working from since the results will be the same. This office is 5 minutes from my home. Location wise it's fine. It is the closest Remax office and has lots to offer in terms of support and training. I think that it's a bonus that there are attractive woman here to interact with, but I don't think I made any core decision to remain here because of that.

[Kantriakhor]

 

Because of the emphasis of my Christian faith, and core Christian values, which includes seperation from the world, it's important for me to find a woman of faith who equally shares these values.

 

This is the one part I'll comment on, take a look at all of your threads, you violate many parts of the doctrine you profess to adhere to and write it off saying you'll "fail anyway" or that as long as you don't make it a habit it's okay. Very hypocritical when you claim to be something then systematically try to work around it.

[ramonymone]

Luke, sir, you have said that she is a summer relationship, yet, in your post you inform us of her fitting into your life, we can only equate that into you thinking long term as a couple, based on your postings. Luke you are becoming very contradicting. Its all going back to you being critical of how this woman is settling to be aesthetically numerically lower than her true potential. But, you are finding solace in being complacent with her unattractiveness. Overall, you are settling and that is hypocritical of you.

[Luke Skywalker]

This is the one part I'll comment on, take a look at all of your threads, you violate many parts of the doctrine you profess to adhere to and write it off saying you'll "fail anyway" or that as long as you don't make it a habit it's okay. Very hypocritical when you claim to be something then systematically try to work around it.

 

I need a woman who is either going to pull me up spiritually or at least be at level as I am, and don't see anything hypocritical about that since that is one issue that is mandated in the Bible (not to hang-out with non-believers, unless your ultimate goal is to win them to the Lord and there are no conflicting goals). In fact, I would be systematically working my way around it if I were to be dating a non-believer, how is that? I'm not just settling for friendship, the Bible actually forbids me to pursue her, even if I was single myself, unless my first priority is to win her to the Lord.

 

This single person that I may have felt connected doesn't share my same faith and has no interest in going to church, but there is a connection. Therefore, I think it's best to remain "just friends" with her, and I do not feel I'm settling to say I will put less weight on someone's looks than whether or not they are saved.

[Luke Skywalker]

My girlfriend offered to give me money today, but I refused to accept any money. I explained my financial situation, and told her that I am fine and don't need any money. This is pursuant to advice on this thread, my mother, and my own moral conscience not to accept her money.

 

I made two decisions today that I feel good about:

 

1) I didn't phone a married woman in my office to ask her how she was doing to touch base with her. After I talked myself out of it, I had a nice feeling inside.

 

2) After refusing to accept money from my girlfriend, I also had a similar nice feeling like above.