moonbug Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 wow that really is a strange dream. pretty powerful. isn't that crazy how those dreams just pop out of nowhere? i know they tend to catch us off guard. thanks for sharing pdoog. i'm not going to text her. its just hard. part of me still wants to fight for her. You know what Sunny? Let a few days go by...maybe a couple of them. All doubts you have will be resolved in your own head. You will see for yourself that nothing good can come out of messaging her. Right now, you are probably very emotional about the whole thing. It comes and goes. I have the same phases like 3-4 times a week. But when you take some time off and you clear your head, it all makes sense. Then, you will thank your stars that you didn't do something stupid like sending a 'Hi how are you' message. Right now, emotions are clouding your rationale. Never act when you are feeling that way. As for the future, all I can say is that don't sweat over it. Tell me one thing. While you were with your ex, was this the future you ever imagined? No! But did it happen? Yes! Futures have a way of getting messed up out of nowhere. Dreading that the worst will come true, will only ruin your present. Things will play out the way they have to. None of us here on ENA ever imagined that in the near future we would be sitting online on weekends, alone, pouring our hearts out like "losers". But here we are. Point being, never imagine a future. If you imagine its going to be happy, its almost always going to be crappy and if you imagine its going to be crappy, then its going to turn out better than you think. Trust me, in the future, if she does get away forever, you will never regret it. Because by then, you will be in such a happy place yourself, that you will look back on this breakup and think of it as an essential step that only led you to being much more happier. If you are a good person, good things will eventually start happening to you. You gotta believe that. Link to comment
brokenheart311 Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 got a question for everybody. how is nc doing for everybody? does anybody ever get the inclination that they just want to reach out to their ex via text and say "hi how are you". i would really like to type, " i miss you" but that is just too much i think. i haven't sent any texts to my since nc but just wondering if anybody gets these urges to reach out and contact them. i often wonder by not contacting am i doing the right thing?? by not contacting is this just giving them more reason to move on?? or on the other hand do i just leave it up to my ex to contact me?? just questions i was wondering if anybody else has answers to or is experiencing the same thing? I know the exact feeling, but since that is the one thing i can control I get myself quickly back to letting her make contact. Except my fb flub of two weeks ago. Today I was at the park playing tennis with my parents and just the sound of the ducks took me back to the days that we took her son to that same park for his first "feed the ducks" trip. it didn't destroy me, but I wanted to text or call her about the time we ere joking about how ducks in the distance sound like a group of drunk people taking turns telling jokes. in was a running thing with us for over a year. Those * * * * ing ducks! j/k, i don't blame the ducks. Puckdog, I know you say you poured your heart out about 30 days ago and now she obviously knows how you feel now. She was still hurt and slammed the door, as the dumper I would still say it is on you to continue to try and repair what you broke. A "hi, how are you doing?", in my opinion, would not hurt your chances as much as continued silence on your part. i just think it would show her that you are still putting in the effort to make amends. Testing the water periodically is not as damaging from a dumpers perspective, just my opinion though. Of course if she is still hurt she could reply with an obscenity, but over time with diligence and a willingness to letting her know that you are aware you messed up is more powerful than a one-time declaration with silence to follow. Just don't be obsessive about it, maybe a random text every few weeks, could even just be a good joke you heard and want to pass on, not too heavy with the "i miss you, I love you" stuff, just be present until she warms up. Link to comment
bexcelant Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 As the dumpee seeing a dumper coming back (Just so happens, I have one of those coming back right now from 5 years ago). You don't really trust them. They left you. They went off with someone else. They left you floundering around in a sea of bad emotions. Why would you want to trust this person again??? I"m not saying I wouldn't give this person a chance but..hell, she's gotta really go out of her way to prove to me that she wants me. I haven't answered her overtures by email. If she picks up the phone like a big girl, and calls me, I will talk to her and let her guide the conversation. Link to comment
brokenheart311 Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 As the dumpee seeing a dumper coming back (Just so happens, I have one of those coming back right now from 5 years ago). You don't really trust them. They left you. They went off with someone else. They left you floundering around in a sea of bad emotions. Why would you want to trust this person again??? I"m not saying I wouldn't give this person a chance but..hell, she's gotta really go out of her way to prove to me that she wants me. I haven't answered her overtures by email. If she picks up the phone like a big girl, and calls me, I will talk to her and let her guide the conversation. The thing is if you had unconditional love for them it means you love them even though they hurt you. If mine came back (and yes I still love her unconditionally and desire reconciliation) I would want and expect it to be a slow process, too much damage can be done with too much too soon. I know it sounds counter to unconditional, but yes trust has to be rebuilt from the ground up, but if you really love the person you will give them that chance. Good strategy on your part to let her lead the conversations and find out what her motivations are. It's funny that people talk about making their exes "jump through hoops" if this is what they really mean then it is destined to fail. Sound like on some level there is a revenge factor lurking. Now someone who wants there exes to back up there words with actions is the way to go. Link to comment
sunnyv Posted July 18, 2009 Author Share Posted July 18, 2009 thanks for all the responses. i really appreciate the insite. i am going to take everybodys advice and just wait a few days, take a deep breath and hopefully this feeling and urge to contact her will pass. its just so hard. watchign the summer days roll on by as well as the nights and imagining her with somebody else is just eating me up. i am pretty sure everybody knows how i feel. how do you get that out of your head?? thinking about her with somebody else?? that is what is killing me and making me want to reach out to her and scream i am still here......i want to fight for her, for our love, but what good is that? i have no confirmation she is with someone else but just the fact that she hasn't contacted me can only make me think bad things. i dont know. just my feelings. this really does hurt guys. thanks for being there and supporting me. i am having a rough weekend. don't know why this weekend is rough, but wow it just is Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Start thinking of her sitting home alone. She may be doing just that. I find that women only want guys to fight for their love when the are seeing it on TV or in a movie. When it actually happens for real, they despise the behaviour. Ironic, huh. Link to comment
sunnyv Posted July 18, 2009 Author Share Posted July 18, 2009 i will try that. imagine her sitting home alone. thanks puckdog. it can't hurt. it is extremely ironic. i must agree with you on that one. Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 i will try that. imagine her sitting home alone. thanks puckdog. it can't hurt. it is extremely ironic. i must agree with you on that one. Remember what I said a few days ago? Thought my ex was with new guy, she wasnt even in town. You just never know so no use imagining it Link to comment
sunnyv Posted July 18, 2009 Author Share Posted July 18, 2009 somehow our minds conjure up stuff that is just crazy. it seems like we always imagine things to be way worse than they really are. the power of the mind is a dangerous thing. no use in worrying about something that we have no control over and most likely is probably not the way it is going down. its just getting my mind to understand this and stop conjuring this awful scenarious up. its like everyday i have a new scenario in my head of what she may doing. Link to comment
adamt Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 I do get urges sometimes to contact the ex, but then I keep telling myself that the day we broke up she knew exactly how i felt so nothing will change without her being the one wanting to fix things. I know if i really wanted to be with someone i wouldnt have been able to walk away. Link to comment
sunnyv Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 yup. all of our exs have something in common, they think they are missing something out there. soon enough one day they will find out the only thing they are missing is us. hope everyone is having a good saturday night. i am starting to really understand myself a little better. thanks everyone for helping me. definilty not going to text the ex. she doesn't deserve the ego boost it would provide. she needs to text me if anyone is going to text anyone Link to comment
dimnickel1980 Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 i'm so curious to see what the future will bring for everyone. in 6 mo, a year i hope we remember to get back on ENA and tell everyone what happened! Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 lol yeah! Gawd I hope I'm not on day1(againx100) Link to comment
becca0194 Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 somehow our minds conjure up stuff that is just crazy. it seems like we always imagine things to be way worse than they really are. the power of the mind is a dangerous thing. no use in worrying about something that we have no control over and most likely is probably not the way it is going down. its just getting my mind to understand this and stop conjuring this awful scenarious up. its like everyday i have a new scenario in my head of what she may doing. I think it helps to realize that as much as you don't have a clue what she is up to, she doesn't have a clue what you are up to. For me, somehow that helps. Maybe there is something going on right now, but this weekend has been crappy for me. Link to comment
becca0194 Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 lol yeah! Gawd I hope I'm not on day1(againx100) lol omg, if we are here on this board in a year...we all need to come up with a plan "B". Link to comment
moonbug Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Watchign the summer days roll on by as well as the nights and imagining her with somebody else is just eating me up. i am pretty sure everybody knows how i feel. how do you get that out of your head?? thinking about her with somebody else?? that is what is killing me and making me want to reach out to her Sunny, like most of us here, I too have felt this. It just messes you up for hours, if not days doesn't it? The thought of your ex being with someone else, having sex with them, cuddling and sweet talking just completely makes you feel powerless. But there is something you can do. It seems to work for me. I have mentioned this on another thread I had started a few days ago. Imagine your ex, her new beau and you are sitting in a restaurant having lunch. Suddenly, a psychotic man with a gun enters the place and we have a hostage situation on our hands. The gunman takes you and the other guy hostage. Your ex is sitting on the other side of the table. The crazy gunman says to your ex, "One of them is going to die. You pick which one." What do you think your ex will say? Now if they are as in love with their new SOs as they claim to be, I am sure she will pick you to die. Imagine that. After all the years of loving and caring you have given her, today she will pick you to die. If she is going to be so stupid and cold-hearted to choose a newly unfolding honeymoon phase over years of closeness, should you be worrying about what she is doing with the new guy? Is she worth it? You should instead feel sick about yourself, right? Because you loved (and still love!) someone who will pick you to die so she can protect the new guy. Personally, this just makes me feel like I don't want anything to do with her. I am not that pathetic...pathetic enough to mope over someone who will pick me out to die, when faced with a choice. Let them do what they want. In time, it will all even out. Just wait it out and bide your time. Its soon going to get better for you. Link to comment
icemann89 Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 i imagine somthing like its the end of the world and my ex has just 5 min left to call just one person alive and i know that * * * * ing aint me Link to comment
sunnyv Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 hi everyone i can't even imagine a year from now. wow. i hope we all have some good stories to share on here, no matter what they will be. moonbug-thanks for the advice. lol. what a crazy scenario. lol. i would definitly agree with one of your last statements, things even out, i think in the end our exs will realize what they had done wrong and how it was not us. i think this is the power of nc too, it gives them time to realize what life is like without us in this and it allows that honeymoon phase to disappear eventually. they have to miss us if and if they are ever going to come back. and if they don't then hopefully there is someone better out there for us who appreciates us every minute they are with us and won't want to leave us. Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 hi everyone i can't even imagine a year from now. wow. i hope we all have some good stories to share on here, no matter what they will be. moonbug-thanks for the advice. lol. what a crazy scenario. lol. i would definitly agree with one of your last statements, things even out, i think in the end our exs will realize what they had done wrong and how it was not us. i think this is the power of nc too, it gives them time to realize what life is like without us in this and it allows that honeymoon phase to disappear eventually. they have to miss us if and if they are ever going to come back. and if they don't then hopefully there is someone better out there for us who appreciates us every minute they are with us and won't want to leave us. Why would you want someone who doesnt even miss you? As far as a year, I am back here mostly because it helps to pass the advice you are receiving along. I came on 2 years ago after my divorce. Hardly any of my old friends are here now. You will all be gone one day too Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I did this, I emailed and fought for her/our love, etc. After 5days of NC. Then called trying to see what that did, it wasn't great. I don't know if it backfired but she wasn't in a mood to hear it. Just angry and annoyed. It was a set back for me, so stay strong and stay NC. This weekend has been hard for me as well. I imagine all the possibilities and start to pace. It took all my self control not to email her this morning. I was super weak. Thankfully there's this board, this has been a life saver and I'm so grateful for everyone here. How can such awesome folks be here?! The world doesn't make sense sometimes. Hang in there! Link to comment
becca0194 Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Ok, I have good news. I just went back one year and none of the people posting then are posting now. PHEW !!!!!!!!!!!!! : ) Link to comment
AmandaB Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Is NC that best thing to get an ex back?????? I have read other posts and some people say that you should "fight" for you love. Ive been NC 9 weeks now. I went NC right after the breakup. What is the best way to fight? Is it NC? Is it LC? Is it begging? Or is it moving on with your life? Link to comment
SRTtoZ Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I'm an extreme advocate that you need to give a big 4-8 week break before SOMEONE makes a move. This break period depends on how long the relationship was in the first place...its a recovery period. If the relationship was 5 years, it would probably take MONTHS before you should contact them. But no I dont think NC is the best way AFTER the recovery period...Someone has to make contact if they intend on making something better and sometimes EVEN the DUMPER has doubts if you would take THEM back... and everyone has pride. Everyone is scared. Dumpee or Dumper, we all have human emotion. If its the guy trying to get the girl back, I think the guy should after a while make contact. We are men...we are supposed to make the first move in EVERYTHING we do...Get ready to get bloodied and maybe be shot down, but you will NEVER know if you NEVER try. Link to comment
AmandaB Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Thats the thing. We were in a 6 year relationship. This has destroyed me. I feel paralyzed and I cant do anything that involves him. I dont have the nerves to call him or even text. I just still cant handle the response that I will get, or wont get. Even after 9 months I still feel this way. At this poing he would need to make the first move because I am too scared to. I feel like such a whimp but he hurt me soooo bad. He said the worst thing you can say, I dont love you anymore. Im a whimp! Link to comment
adamt Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 I think my way of staying in NC is trying to treat it as if my ex has passed away. I've seen or heard no sign of her so it can work. But problem may come if i see her in the flesh. I also keep myself strong in non contact by assuming she has movied on and any contact will result in me being laughed at amongst her and her friends. I also tell myself she is the one with the issues and immature for not wanting to talk through the issues. she also changed a lot in the last 4 months of the relationship so i see her as a stranger and not the girl i went out with. i do get urges to contact her but i will ring up/text friends/family instead. Link to comment
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