i heard from her today

[AmandaB]

Thanks everybody. Last night was bad. It definently set me back. I know why they say to stay away from everything that has to do w/ them. I just dont see how it could be a group of guys. I live in Las Vegas, guys wont want to stay up in the mountains w/ nothing to do when there are a million casinos with a million things to do down in the valley. There is nothing but hiking up in those mountains. i know because im up there hiking every weekend. He's not a big hiker. He does a little but nothing like that.

[emptyinside70]

Amanda, don't jump to conclusions. Worrying what if is the worst thing you can do. Just stay busy, or if you're not working/hiking, watch a movie to get your mind off things. I really know how you feel. By snooping I found out ex has a boyfriend, is sharing unforgettable moments with him, her family/friends love him, etc. No good can come of it and it makes moving on even harder. Not to mention it may be a federal crime. And when and if you reach that breaking point and feel like you have to call him, come here first and talk it out with us. NC is your friend, the only reason you should ever talk to him is if he comes back to you and wants to try again.

[AmandaB]

Amanda, don't jump to conclusions. Worrying what if is the worst thing you can do. Just stay busy, or if you're not working/hiking, watch a movie to get your mind off things. I really know how you feel. By snooping I found out ex has a boyfriend, is sharing unforgettable moments with him, her family/friends love him, etc. No good can come of it and it makes moving on even harder. Not to mention it may be a federal crime. And when and if you reach that breaking point and feel like you have to call him, come here first and talk it out with us. NC is your friend, the only reason you should ever talk to him is if he comes back to you and wants to try again.

 

I have no intentions of calling him what so ever. None at all. I am so hurt. I may be jumping to conclusions, that is not impossible for me, trust me. I always think the worst. I will never look that stuff up again, trust me. Ignorance is bliss right now. The only thing that makes me think more rational is that he got a room with 2 beds, not one. I just need to get through this. He is showing no interest what so ever in coming back, i need to move forward as hard as it is. I just dont know how.

[sunnyv]

keep staying busy amanada. you will make it through this. you don't know for sure who he is with, etc. your head can play evil tricks on you and make things seem worse then they are. just try to stay calm and stay busy. or come on here

[Puckdog27]

I agree. I was at a party on the 4th with friends and looking down at the crowd thinking "shes down there with him, last year she was with me" Turns out the next day I saw her post on a friends facebook page and she was back home and I know she wouldnt take a guy she has been dating for 2 months back home to her parents, Not this soon. They would flip. You never know whats goin on, so no sense trying to assume you do

[sunnyv]

i agee puckdog. what makes it worse is us assuming the worst. gotta stop doing that and just be in the moment. we can't change it, even if they are with someone else so we gotta stop thinking that. you are right my man

[adamt]

how is every one? this morning just feeling tired of the whole situation. wish it would all go away. either fixed or forgotten out of my mind. So tempting to contact the ex, but i know it wont solve things

[sunnyv]

hi adam

 

i'm doing ok. i have my good days and my bad days or bad moments. sometimes i just want to reach out and contact my ex as well. but i have not. which is i guess good. i just wish my ex would contact me to let me know it was her and not me, the reason we broke up.

[brokenheart311]

Hey all,

 

I haven't posted here in a little bit, but seeing that today is the three month mark of the day I got dumped and yesterday emotionally blew chunks I figured why not. I find myself coming back to this particular thread since so many of us seem to be made from the same fibers and got dumped it similar fashions.

 

I haven't seen nor heard from my ex in 3.5 weeks (I think) and that was when she came by to pick up a few things she "forgot" when she made her big move. I still haven't been back to church in almost 7 weeks, I just can't stomach the thought of seeing her and her son again yet.

 

I thought I was doing better, I had been dating a girl for 3 weeks, but I think that has got to come to an end. I find myself unable to give my all and my best to this new girl, the truth is that if my ex called me right now and said she wanted me back then I'd dumo the new girl in a heartbeat. So I better end it while things are still pretty casual, I don't want to keep going in something if I'm only half-hearted about it. Plus there are plenty of red flags, beside lingering thoughts of my ex, that this new girl and i would not work out in the long run, so I'm not gonna waste my time or hers.

 

Yesterday was really hard for some reason. Maybe it's because I saw a friend of hers yesterday, who I've seen many times since the split, and normally this friend is really outgoing and nice to me. Yesterday she gave me the cold shoulder when I said "hey, how's it going", in all of our exchanges In haven't asked about the ex, so I can only speculate where the cold shoulder came from.

 

On July third I put some damien rice lyrics up on my facebook:

So * * * * you, * * * * you, * * * * you

And all we've been through

I said leave it, leave it, leave it

It's nothing to you

And if you hate me, hate me, hate me

Then hate me so good that you can let me out

Let me out of this hell when you're around

Let me out, let me out,

Let me out of this hell when you're around

Let me out, let me out

 

Was it mature of me- NO, but I didn't feel any compelling desire to censor myself and I didn't say anything about directing them to my ex. The next day I discovered that the ex had dropped me on facebook, which is fine, I had blocked her from my newsfeed so that I didn't see her updates when I logged on and I had been wanting to remove her as a friend for awhile. I hadn't yet because everytime I logged on to drop her she had either put up a new picture of her having a great time with her new/old friends or there would be some flirty comment by some guy i don't know, I just didn't want her to think I was dropping her as a friend in retaliation to any of those things. In the end the lyrics apparently bothered her, oh well if she thought it was about her then she must still be feeling guilty.

 

Sorry to ramble for so long, but I think I needed a release. I haven't spoken to any one around here about it since before the end of June and I just had to get it out.

 

I pray for release, relief or possibly reconciliation for us all, just all depends on what God has in store for us.

[moonbug]

Don't worry about rambling. Thats pretty much what everyone does on this thread. But I am not sure putting up those lyrics was the best thing. For one, it clearly gives your ex the signal that you are not moving on. You are still in pain. That is not the idea you want to give her, especially if you are hoping for a reconciliation.

 

Secondly, I think putting those lyrics on your facebook amounted to breaking NC. Basically, it looks like you were communicating those lyrics to her, just indirectly. So now, I would say, all the time you were in NC has been nullified and you are going to have to count again.

 

Such slip-ups will happen every now and then. However, the longer you are in NC, the less likely they should be. Try hard to not make any communication towards her. Not through facebook, not through her friend, not directly. It will soon get better and you will be happy before you know it. We don't need these dumpers to make us happy. The sooner we realize it, the better it is for us.

 

Take Care.

[brokenheart311]

Yeah, it didn't help that i was pretty drunk that day, I had thrown a big party adn had been drinking since about noon and put those lyrics up about 10 PM. The next morning I knew it pretty much amounted to a drunk text, but it was too late to take them down. It could also be the source of why her friend gave me the cold shoulder. I don't normally try and talk to he exclusive friends, but this one started to come into the gym I work at on a regular basis after the split. The first time I saw her there I didn't make eye contact with her or anything, but since she always come up and says hi to me and make idle chit chat for a few minutes.

 

Or the fact she may have found out I was dating. We have some mutual friends from church who I went on a float trip with last weekend that I hadn't seen in a month. When they asked what I'd been up to I told them about the dating. I think that maybe word had gotten back to the ex (I hope not since I don't ask them about the ex and don't want to feel betrayed) and her friend thus the cold shoulder.

 

But thanks for the reminder Moonbug, I will redouble my efforts and rethink what NC means. I just have to remember that an attempt to vent online (even if it's not meant to be seen by my ex) could somehow be relayed or seen by her.

[sunnyv]

hi brokenheart.

 

if you ever need to vent remember you can use ena too. thats what i do. if i have an urge to contact my ex i go to ena. it helps a lot. also its ok, we all take about 2 steps forward and one step back but the fact that we see what we do, we recover and continue to grow, thats ok. you are making progress even though some days it seems like you are not.

 

the facebook thing was bound to happen. that thing is pure evil and it just tempts you to make contact with her. i would stay away from it if you have anymore urges to contact her.

 

glad to see you back on the thread. stay positive you will make it through this.

[brokenheart311]

Sunnyv,

As always thank you for your assuring presence. It's funny how out of nowhere they pop back into our minds and we start all of the questioning and wondering about the breakup and relationship in total all over again. I hate that I do have some grounds to contact her again (my class ring is in with her jewelry and she owes me money for our joint gym membership), but I won't ask her for those things until I'm comfortable with her still not being part of my life.

 

Half marathon in 4 months, yeah I'll be ready by then.

[FriendnorFoe]

hi brokenheart.

 

if you ever need to vent remember you can use ena too. thats what i do. if i have an urge to contact my ex i go to ena. it helps a lot. also its ok, we all take about 2 steps forward and one step back but the fact that we see what we do, we recover and continue to grow, thats ok. you are making progress even though some days it seems like you are not.

 

the facebook thing was bound to happen. that thing is pure evil and it just tempts you to make contact with her. i would stay away from it if you have anymore urges to contact her.

 

glad to see you back on the thread. stay positive you will make it through this.

 

I actually deleted my facebook and myspace recently, one less thing to have to worry bout

[pdoog]

Yes facebook and myspace are potential killers when trying to move on. I think we have all done it to an extenet. I know I did.

 

Anyway I hope everyone has a great weekend and remember life goes on.

[brokenheart311]

The weekend is looking to be a good one. Off to play poker at a friend's house in a few minutes and then tomorrow night there is a free concert featuring 7 Mary 3, Sponge and Marcy Playground that I will attending. woohoo!

[sunnyv]

hi broken heart

 

oh my gosh 7 mary 3 and sponge. all 90s bands. i love them. haven't heard them in such a long time. how awesome is that. enjoy it.

 

pdoog i hope you have a great weekend too.

 

yes pdoog you are right. life is short, lets try to enjoy even if it is getting out and seeing a concert. has anyone been doing anything by themselves? i find myself going and doing things by myself. i haven't been able to really do the big group things for a long time. i find myself thinking more about my ex in the large group settings. don't know what that is.

 

we will be happy again one day, it just takes time. don't let that get you down. we are all progressing, some at different paces then others. but whats important is us sharing our experiences, it helps us grow and hopefully get stronger. i thank everyone for posting and continueing to share. you all help me out every day and i can't thank you enough for it. i don't even know any of you but each one of you has helped me in ways i can't explain. thank you all

 

enjoy your weekend; even if its going for a walk, a concert, etc. life does go on, thats for sure, whether we are ready for it to go on or not, it sure does

[sunnyv]

got a question for everybody. how is nc doing for everybody? does anybody ever get the inclination that they just want to reach out to their ex via text and say "hi how are you". i would really like to type, " i miss you" but that is just too much i think. i haven't sent any texts to my since nc but just wondering if anybody gets these urges to reach out and contact them.

 

i often wonder by not contacting am i doing the right thing?? by not contacting is this just giving them more reason to move on?? or on the other hand do i just leave it up to my ex to contact me??

 

just questions i was wondering if anybody else has answers to or is experiencing the same thing?

[Puckdog27]

I get the urges all the time. I broke it off and tried to go back a few months later and was met with a slammed door. I poured my heart out in a very rationale way. How I made a huge mistake, the issues that created it, how I am fixing them, how I want to be a better person for her. Etc etc. No whining begging pleading, very adult like show of remorse and affection. Slammed door.

 

So now NC and coming up on 30 days since I made an attempt. Yes I want to text her everyday, send an email, call her cell. The door is shut and none of that is gonna open it. As long as I knock on it, she is gonna push harder on the other side. If she ever does open it back up, it will be because I am not banging on it anymore and she will wonder where I went. So thats why I am staying NC. Its the only way.

 

And yes I feel like crap for hurting her. Dumpers do feel bad too.

[icemann89]

look ill post a quick answer to your question... if say you had a good friend of the opposite sex (of course) witch lets say you feel close too and have a special bond but dont want to bee with them would you feel comfortable if they send you "i miss you" texts if you dont want that person as a partner would you like them to call to say that they are thinking of you damn no...

you have to have pacience if she misses you than she will call ask yourself this what result do i expect this call\ text to have. because it wont make you feel any better an it wont make the ex leap into your arms it only make you look weak and thats not what you want

[sunnyv]

hi guys

 

thanks for the responses. you are right, everytime there was a contact in the past the door seemed to shut faster and harder every time. so i finally stopped knocking. just basically gave up. figured she could contact me if she ever wants too. i just get sad sometimes thinking every day that goes by is another day that possibly by me not contacting could make the door close even harder than if i do contact. not sure.

 

thanks for the advice. i will take it though. i just get scarred i am missing the time period of reconciliation with her. what happens if i wait too long and one day years down the road i find out she is engaged and planning to get married. then i definilty waited too long to contact her.

 

i just hope i am doing the right thing by not contacting her. i feel awful just not contacting her. but from what i get from you guys is that if i do contact her it will probabably and most likely shut that door harder than if i don't contact her. its just so hard for my heart to understand this. my head gets it, but my heart wants to reach out to her.

 

i will take your advice. thanks for the responses it really helps me

[pdoog]

Sunny, sure I thik to myself a little "hi how are you" wont hurt. But the reality of the situation is that wont do anything, and I already know how she is, she is happy right now with her new life and her new bf. It doesnt bother me anymore and I am moving on.

 

 

On a side note I had a strange dream last night and my ex was in it. I remember I was in her home in her bedroom and talking to her kids and they were a little reluctant or nervous about something. My ex would even walk in a few times but didn't say anything i don't recall. I also remember walking outside to have a cigarette (funny cause I don't smoke). BUt standing outside was her and her new bf just talking. And I walk by and I say "Hey" My ex says "Hey this is Dave" and Dave turns around and shakes my hand and all he says to me is "Thanks Paul" then smirks, I respond with "Your a * * * * ". Cause he was thanking me for not being wth her anymore. In the dream she seemed upset by his comment towards me and held her head down. she said something but I couldn't make it out. Then I woke up.

 

Anyway a strange dream and I haven't had a dream of her in a long time nor have I had strong thoughts of her for a while either.

[sunnyv]

wow that really is a strange dream. pretty powerful. isn't that crazy how those dreams just pop out of nowhere? i know they tend to catch us off guard.

 

thanks for sharing pdoog. i'm not going to text her. its just hard. part of me still wants to fight for her.

[and again]

Sunny , it is hard not txting them, but you never know what they may be thinking, last time me and ex split i thought she was fine with it whilst i was in agony. WRONG, only problem was i let her back to easily probably due to her issues.

I dont know what she is feeling this time , who knows she`s a strange creature, check my thread if you like, one just below this.

[Puckdog27]

hi guys

 

thanks for the advice. i will take it though. i just get scarred i am missing the time period of reconciliation with her. what happens if i wait too long and one day years down the road i find out she is engaged and planning to get married. then i definilty waited too long to contact her.

 

Most reconcilliations happen way down the line. Months or even years. You cant wait for it, because it may never happen. And it wouldnt have been because you waited to long to contact her. It would be because it wasnt what she wanted. There are 2 peoples wants here. They only way reconciliation happens is if you BOTH want the same thing. No amount of waiting is gonna change that.