i heard from her today

[Annapanna]

That is not the way to enter a relationship my friend. You have to think about what you want out of life and be secure with your own personality. This may sound crazy now but maybe this breakup is a good thing. Now you can really think of what you want out of life, look at your ambitions, find your self and love your self. Connect with people around you. Some people (like me) tend to lose their ambitions when they are with someone, because it is so comfortable to be in a relationship. My break up was a blessing to me, when I was left alone out in the cold, I really had to think about my life and what I wanted to do. I know a woman who left sacrificed a big part of her life for her husband, left her friends, hobbies and moved to the country side with him. Now, almost 40 years later, he cheated on her and they are getting divorced, she has no friends on her own, almost no life on her own now 62 years old. I want to learn from her mistake and keep my independency.

[Brownstone322]

That is not the way to enter a relationship my friend. You have to think about what you want out of life and be secure with your own personality. This may sound crazy now but maybe this breakup is a good thing. Now you can really think of what you want out of life, look at your ambitions, find your self and love your self. Connect with people around you. Some people (like me) tend to lose their ambitions when they are with someone, because it is so comfortable to be in a relationship. My break up was a blessing to me, when I was left alone out in the cold, I really had to think about my life and what I wanted to do.

Great observations. Relationships are about partnership and compromise, but "sacrificing everything" for someone else is a formula for disaster. What kind of person would expect or allow you to do that for them? It's a very bad sign unto itself.

[sunnyv]

absolutely brownstone. i agree 100 percent.

[AmandaB]

Ok, so its been almost 11 weeks since the breakup. Still have yet to speak to him. He has not contacted me. During this time I have thought entirely too much about what has happened. When I look back I see that there were a ton of red flags everywhere. As far back as Christmas, we got into an argument and I asked if he really wanted to be w/ me and he couldnt even look me in the face and say yes. He barely said yes. But a few days after that encounter he was back to talking about getting married. He was so up and down w/ everything, all over the place. I mean he would never call me, I always called him. I was supposed to move into his parents house w/ him to save money but then he dumps me a couple weeks before I can do it. I just dont get it, call me clueless, its ok, just please dont tear me apart.

 

Looking back at all those red flags earlier on really makes it seem like I will never see him again, or that chances of reconciliaton are extremely low. Very very very low. Im trying my best to move on, dont get me wrong. I continue to hike, do things w/ friends, etc. I dont cry everyday anymore and some times im actually somewhat happy. I know im going to get my head bitten off for this one but deep down I still love him and would love to see him come back later on down the road. Its just these red flags make is more unlikely since he had been pulling away months ago, letting go of me. Do people really look back at decisions they have made and think that they have made a mistake?

 

Ok, dish it out.

[adamt]

It sounds like you are making progress. Your head is clearer and you can now see the warning signs long before you split up. This should help put your mind at rest that it wasn't an instant decision and he most probably had been thinking about breaking up for a while. Thats why he hasnt contacted you because his mind was already made up long before you split up. I made a list of all the red flag warnings signs in my relationship. It helped to move me on.

 

it is good that youa re starting to accept that you won't get back together.

 

it is a long journey but keep on that straight road and don't look back. You will get there.

[AmandaB]

it is good that youa re starting to accept that you won't get back together.

 

Thats the problem, I have having a very very hard to accepting that we wont get back together. I still would like to think that later on he will wake up and see what we had was special. Its pathetic, im getting mad at myself for thinking this! I just am having the hardest time thinking that the love we had for so long is done, no chance at reconciling. You read the success stories, I know bad right, but their breakups seem to be instant, no red flags, no warnings. It just seemed like a lapse in judgement is all. I just think that in my situation, w/ all those red flags, that he will never ever come back. All the signs are there still, not contacting me being the big one. Im so frustrated at myself for ever thinking that if we were really meant to be that we could be together. I feel like an idiot for even holding out any hope for us to bet together in the future.

[Puckdog27]

Just because you accept that you wont get back together doesnt mean it wont happen one day. Accepting that you wont be back together now is the key to moving into a better place in your emotions. Acceptance is one of the stages in dealing with loss/grief. Its not one that can be skipped.

 

I teeter sometimes with acceptance, but in honesty its the days that I accept it that I feel better, its the denial days that feel lke crap because with the denial comes the yearning. Im making everyday an acceptance day now.

[SnowFox]

Since you (and no one else) actually knows what the future holds, there is no way you can "accept" that you will never get together again. That is like "accepting" that you will win the lottery in 10 years. It can't be done.

 

Why not just focus on the truth: you are not together now.

 

Don't put blame on yourself, don't put blame on him, just remind yourself that you are not together....and then do things to build a happy life for yourself based on that current reality.

[Puckdog27]

Since you (and no one else) actually knows what the future holds, there is no way you can "accept" that you will never get together again. That is like "accepting" that you will win the lottery in 10 years. It can't be done.

 

Why not just focus on the truth: you are not together now.

 

Don't put blame on yourself, don't put blame on him, just remind yourself that you are not together....and then do things to build a happy life for yourself based on that current reality.

 

That was the point I was trying to make. Accept that the relationship you had is over.

[AmandaB]

So do any of you think that anybody can reconcile no matter the breakup situation? This is sort of a general question, I guess. I mean, the person who had a cheating partner, are they more or less than the people who grew apart? What Im just trying to say I guess is that can reconciliations happen in any situation? Probably a stupid question but I will throw it out there anyway. Do certain breakups have a better chance at reconciliaton than others or is it fair game, a toss up?

 

Here is one thing I have sure of, I need a vacation!

[Puckdog27]

So do any of you think that anybody can reconcile no matter the breakup situation? This is sort of a general question, I guess. I mean, the person who had a cheating partner, are they more or less than the people who grew apart? What Im just trying to say I guess is that can reconciliations happen in any situation? Probably a stupid question but I will throw it out there anyway. Do certain breakups have a better chance at reconciliaton than others or is it fair game, a toss up?

 

Here is one thing I have sure of, I need a vacation!

 

I think its possible in any situation, but it depends on the individuals involved. Sure people get past cheating, abuse, etc etc. BUT both parties have to be willing to have it. I think the one thing that gets missed is alot of times, no matter how much a person misses the other person, there may be things that they just cant let go of and because of that they are not willing to go back and do it again.

 

I find it amazing how many in this forum are willing to hang on to some one that hurt them so bad. Anyone I ever dumped (only a few) was in no way interested in giving me the shot of dumping them again. My current ex, I know thats why she wont respond to me. And I even told her in a letter I understand why she wants nothing to do with me. I hurt her emotionally. And I know her, she isnt gonna subject herself to that pain again. So like I said, it all comes down to both parties wanting it for their to be any chance, no matter the cause of the break up.

[adamt]

Amanda, your break up sounds similar to mine. Possibly no cheating involved or a big argument about something that leads to a quick break up.I think your ex has been thinking about leaving you for a while, just like mine.Probably just grown apart from you and realised that they just dont want to live forever with you and commit. Thats how i see my break up. So by the time they break up nothing will change their mind as their mind is made up a while ago. 2-3 months down the line they have not made any contact so likely they are now relieved to be out of the relationship and enjoying life and not looking back.

 

It sounds harsh but that is the reality and the sooner it is accepted the quicker the dumpee can get on with their lifes.

[AmandaB]

It does sound harsh but also exactly what I was thinking. Im just having problems with the accepting he is gone and moving on. I just dont want to believe that it is that cut and dry. That maybe later on down the road he will resurface. Im not waiting though but it still hurts. I still think that we belong together and until I meet someone who proves me otherwise I guess thats how it will be. I mean one of two things will happen here, my ex and I will end up together at some point or I will meet somebody who will blow my ex out of the water. There is a third thing that can happen, I could become the old spinster lady w/ a million cats but I dont like to think about that one yet.

[Puckdog27]

It does sound harsh but also exactly what I was thinking. Im just having problems with the accepting he is gone and moving on. I just dont want to believe that it is that cut and dry. That maybe later on down the road he will resurface. Im not waiting though but it still hurts. I still think that we belong together and until I meet someone who proves me otherwise I guess thats how it will be.

 

This is gonna sound harsh also, but there is someone that has proven you otherwise. Him.

[adamt]

Way you have got to look at it is he has done you a favour by splitting up now rather than later down the line. Such as if you had got married and bought a house. Now that could have been a messy split.

 

Even if he comes back later down the line, will it be the same as it was before. How do you know for sure he won't walk out again. He did it once, so he will have the balls to do it again. Do you really want to go out with someone who may walk away once the going gets tough? You are still in your 20s so i am sure there will be other men out there who will make you happier and be loyal. I think i am going to join a couple of dating websites in a month or so, i'm feeling excited but nervous of doing it. Nothi8ng may come of it but it is a new experience, meeting new people and who knows what might come out of it. if nothing comes out of it then i haven't lost anything. I can only gain from it. You hit a low not long after the break up, from now on everything is going in the upwards direction. you just have to have the self belief and confidence

[AmandaB]

Its not harsh. I just kinda meant it as the next one will blow him away, will make my ex look shameful. I have talked to many people who had their hearts broken and they thought they would never find anybody but then the next person they fall in love w/ is ten times better. That my ex will be just a memory. Either he comes back a better person, ya right I know low low chances, or I find someone who puts him to shame. I guess that is what I am trying to say.

 

adam- I signed up for eharmony out of curiosity today. I still have to pay for it and get all the info but it says I have two possible matches. Im just doing it out of curiosity right now but maybe see where it takes me.

[cazmoore]

I have to say, I completely agree with MrSoAndSo2009.

 

He couldn't have said it any better then what I wanted to say and how I felt when I read your post.

 

I've broken up with a guy before, and he was my best friend for nearly 10 years. I dated him and felt things weren't working out, and he wanted to stay 'friends'. Friends? He still had feelings for me. I don't know how we could have stayed friends.

 

I decided to just completely stop talking to him. I knew that there was no future with him so I ended the relationship. A few months later after the break up, he still wasn't over me. Sending me really nice text messages; "good luck on your exam! I know you'll do great!" after reading a facebook post or something on msn.

 

Still the same behaviours as when we were dating... like he expected us to get back together and was waiting for me to get over it, and give me time to realize that I wouldn't ever have a guy like him in my life again. (his words, too, after I ended it).

 

After, I decided to end our friendship because I wanted to move on and I wanted him to move on and I know that he couldn't if we stayed in contact. I wanted to date other people as well, but I knew that it would crush him.. but I have to move on with my life, so did he, and so do you. Don't give this girl the satisfaction in knowing she still is able to string you along. You have to be strong.

 

Man, break ups suck. They really, effing hurt. It leaves you with this empty feeling in your stomach.. the ultimate insecurity. It completely knocks your confidence. I completely understand.

 

You need to give it time.

[sunnyv]

thanks cazmoore i appreciate it. i agree. i cant give this girl anymore ego boosts.

[sunnyv]

hi amanda-how are you doing tonight?

[AmandaB]

Night alright, morning bad. Its a horrible cycle. I have this feeling that I will never have a chance w/ him again. He is not one to look back, he will move forward, just w/out me. He might even be thinking that this is his new chapter in life, w/out me. I hate it.

[sunnyv]

hi amanda

 

you can't think that way. if you do you will never make it. think about what a great woman you are and what he is missing out on and how someone else who is better than him will enjoy you one day. think about what you are going to gain out of this breakup.

[adamt]

Hi Amanda,

 

You really need to be true to yourself and realise it is over and he is not coming back. It is hard i know as i am going through it. Until you realise deep down it is over you won't be able to let go. I would hate for you to be going in this cycle for the next 12 months.Life is too short. Do you really want to go back out with someone who has treated you this way, would the relationship go back to the good times even if he came back. Can it be the same as it was?

 

have you removed all the bits and pieces at home that remind you of him?

[AmandaB]

Adam, I moved so I had to remove all pieces of him anyway. Alot of my stuff is boxed up still because I dont like my new place so Im kinda thinking of it as a transitional place you know.

[sunnyv]

hi amanda

 

just keep working on yourself. get yourself stronger and in time you will eventually stop thinking about your ex. it just takes a lot of time. a lot of time

[tks]

I have been in NC with my ex for only 3 days, just decided to drop off the face of the earth. I never really got to tell him I was going NC, but I accepted the fact that he and I would not be together now. He said he did not want to be with me because he could not commit, and can not give me the attention or the relationship the attention it needs to survive.

He has a lot of stuff on his plate, and he is going to be going through a big custody battle soon to get his son. He told me that because I supported him so much that I inspired him in a way to take his son's mother to court again. I stressed the importance that his son needed him very badly right now, and only he can teach his son to be a man, etc. His son is 12, going into grade 8, and has been assessed at the grade 4 level. He is failing school and has ADHD. So he needs the care and attention that his mother will not give to him. His son is visiting now, and my ex took me to the airport to meet his son even after he told me he could not commit.

So after he tells me he could not commit, we were only hanging out on HIS terms, and it was making me feel awful. 1.5 weeks after that I told him that I was going to let him go, but that did not mean I was going to delete his # out of my phone, or never want to hear from again. I told him that if he wanted to call me to say hello, talk something out, or even to vent about the court stuff, he could feel free to do that. I also told him if he wanted to hang out, to let me know, I'd try to work something out because if he wanted to make time for me...I could make time for him also (this all was a bad idea, I know, because it still was giving him control...and still like rubbing salt in my wounds).

Anyway, he sounded relieved actually that I said this...that I was letting him go, he told me "T, you didn't have a chance, you didn't have a chance...not even Halle Berry (his celebrity crush) had a chance....honestly everything was just piling up and I just can't commit." (Need I remind him that HE was the one pursuing ME....the whole time we were dating...not like I was chasing him, ugh)

Meanwhile, I have been focusing on ME, and making a lot of progress, as I do not hear from him all that often.

I hadn't heard from him since last Wednesday, and he just called to say "hey". That was it, and I moved on.

I decided to go NC after last Wednesday, however I just spoke with him on the phone. I didn't know it was him calling as it was a Restricted ID (he is a police officer) and I had been waiting for a phone call from my boss (I work at a law enforcement agency...this is how we met). Sooo....I thought the call was from my boss. Ugh.

Before I get into the conversation that my ex and I just had...I guess I should give some background on the relationship.

We only dated for 3 months, but in those 2.5 months things were wonderful. He seriously swept me off my feet, was caring, we hung out nearly every night, he met my family, he talked about me meeting his family, he told his best friends about me, he wanted me to meet his son really badly...the relationship was just going really well, like how a relationship should when 2 people are extremely compatible. He told me that he saw me being his "other half" and that he has never met anyone like me blah blah.

I am planning on moving accross the country for work, and he mentioned that he was wanting to go to the same place, and we talked about being together "over there". My family liked him (a first!!)....it was just good. Then we had a talk about where things were going, and then it just came down like "I can't commit". * * * ? I was devastated, but I was trying my best to let go, and focus on myself instead of wallowing in my self pity. I've been through lots of breakups like that, and I just decided that I wasn't going to do that this time.

Anyway, I felt like the last couple phone calls were just to ease his guilty conscience, and because he felt sorry for me....wanted to see "how I am doing" ugh.

SO. He called me tonight. I answered thinking it was my boss. Doh!! (He will be referred to as "K" in this scenario. I am "T".

And he said... : "what's happening!!"

Me: "oh its you, hey"

K: "what do you mean, oh its me???"

Me: "oh I just thought it was someone else"

K: "someone else?"

Me: "yeah I've been waiting for xxxxx's call alllll day, and I thought it was him"

K: "oh ok. So how are you?"

Me: "good I just got home, just relaxing"

K: "nice, do you know what's going on on Monday around town for the holidays?"

Me: "no, why"

K: "oh cuz I want to take xxxxx (his son)"

Me: " I think you'll have to look in the newspaper for that"

K: "oh ok, well I'll let you go...just wanted to see how you are!"

Me: "You know K, you don't have to call me"

K: "I know that, we already discussed that"

Me: "I know, I'm just saying you don't have to anymore"

K: "ok..."

Me: "well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I would rather you not call me anymore. "

***here is where he started to get mad at me...he started speaking reallllly fast and you could TOTALLY hear in his voice that he was pissed off!!***

K: "um T, YOU were the one that said, 'if you wanna call me you can, if you wanna make time for me I'll make time for you..'"

Me: "I know that, I'm just saying that I can't do this anymore...I can't be your friend..."

K: "ok fine, you won't hear from me again!"

Me: "well K, are you mad at me?? I'm not mad at you, I'm just saying that I'm trying to move on and this whole thing is like rubbing salt in my wound"

K: "T, I don't even see you! I JUST CALLED TO SEE HOW YOU ARE!"

Me: "K, I'm really good, I'm just trying to move on and this whole thing isn't working for me. I like you, and I'm saying that I can't be 'friends'. Like I can't make someone want to be with me if they don't really want to be with me....I'm just trying to move on ok"

K: "ok good luck!!" (and that comment was dripping with sarcasm!)

Me: "what do you mean 'ok good luck!'"

K: "No, I meant that in a friendly way!"

Me: "ok well...I don't really have anything else to say..."

AND.....I'm pretty sure he hung up....or we got disconnected somehow....

OMG my heart hurts soooo bad.....I just don't understand why he would be sooo mean.....it hurts....does anyone know WHY he would act this way?:sad:

Please help....