Really need to ask him

[Blossomed]

He broke up with me a while ago. LDR but have a child together. Motive: Bad timing - Hadn´t made each other happy enough for a while.

He was very distant when he visited last time in March. Much on his phone and computer. I questioned him at Christmas if he was seeing someone else but he wasn´t but I didn´t in March.

I did ask him 3 weeks ago if he was seeing someone else. He answered "no" in not a very convincive way. I asked again and he said no more firmly but I have BIG doubts! I actually was in similar situation with my former ex boyfriend and didn´t come clean until I couldn´t handle it anymore and we broke it off... I don´t want to compare the 2 relationships as we´re all different and react in several ways but I´m just afraid that this time he would never tell me the truth about this as he maybe wants to have his options open with me and I could never figure it out as we live so far away from each other. He told me that maybe in the future when the timing was better we could get back together... Pathetic!

 

A-w, my question is this: What do you think about me sending him a text message saying: "I know that you´re involved with someone else. When are you going to come clean with me?"

This is none of my business right? But still I can´t help it... My gut feeling is telling me that he has been dishonest for a while now and I so much want to hear the truth even though it hurts. It would make me move on quicker I´m guessing...

 

Any thoughts, suggestions or slap in the face from you guys ;-) would be much appreciated! Thanks.

[SapphireNoir10]

I say stop nagging him over it and if he is then he'll come clean or you'll hear about it sonner or alter. You've already asked him, hes said no, your not going to get the truth out of this man.

 

Just remember hes not worth anymore of your time for feeding you all these lies.

[huskiesfan]

I agree with Blueafterglow. Pushing him and pushing him at this point, when there's no definate proof that anything is going on, is not going to help things. The way he's acting, most likely he is getting involved with someone else, but if you confront him now, he's just going to lie his way out of the situation. If you find out that he is involved, than by all means, I'd send that message, but not until then.

[Pixiedoc]

Hey,I remember your previous posts - still cares more about the computer eh? *sigh*

 

I wouldn't give him the pleasure of knowing you care. Even if you ask him the question it's likely he'll deny it, then you're eating away at yourself again. Just ASSUME he's with someone, and they're welcome to him as long as he meets his responsibilities with regard to your little one.

 

If you challenge him, he may well use this as an excuse to stay away so what little contact your child has with him may cease altogether. It may anyway but that text may hasten it.

 

If you act like you don't care, and try and get into that mind set, over time you will be able to feel it more and realise that he's just not worth any more of your time. Take care.

[Hope75]

You don't know for a fact that he was seeing anyone else, and comparing this relationship to another one with another person isn't fair to either of you. Being distant might just mean the relationship had lost it's luster and he wasn't happy, as you freely admit neither of you were.

 

At this point the most important things is that you weren't making each other happy and weren't satisfied with an LDR, and so you broke up. Now, you are right, it isn't your business what he's doing, and he doesn't have to tell you anything.

 

My advice is to let it go. Hounding him to admit something you really don't know is true really isn't getting you anywhere, it's just keeping you stuck in limbo.

[annie24]

to be honest, since you are broken up, it doesn't matter if he is dating someone else or he isn't. i would just assume he is dating others. I think the #1 thing should be the co-parenting of your child, and i would focus future conversations with him about the child. why doesn't he visit more often? is he paying child support?

[catfeeder]

Why not just pretend you already did that, and the answer was 'Yes, I'm with someone else now'. Then you can focus on moving forward. Questioning the guy isn't going to move him any closer to wanting to be with you--just the opposite. So what's the point to exposing your inability to let go? In your shoes, I'd want him to think of me respectfully, not as someone who can't cope.

 

I'd turn my focus into a healing goal for myself, and I'd imagine the future slowly teaching the ex everything you'd want to have him to understand about you--and I'd put faith in this happening so I can let it go.

 

Then I'd focus on moving myself forward, one step at a time. I throw myself into meditation, exercise, parenting, exploring new hobbies, making new friends--gravitating toward older and wiser people who can teach me news ways of viewing life and love. I would focus on learning the kind of self-respect that will serve me in future relationships.

 

My heart goes out to you. Breakups are difficult, and anyone who's loved well understands your pain. Grief is a normal process, and I hope you'll be kind to yourself and allow yourself special rewards for meeting small goals, one step at a time to a new future.

 

In your corner.

[Blossomed]

to be honest, since you are broken up, it doesn't matter if he is dating someone else or he isn't. i would just assume he is dating others. I think the #1 thing should be the co-parenting of your child, and i would focus future conversations with him about the child. why doesn't he visit more often? is he paying child support?

 

Thanks for your answers. I know it´s none of my business... It just hurts that he was able to throw everything away and move on so easily. I went out the other night and just thought to myself "great... I don´t want anyone else... How could he just leave me like this?" Just sucks to have this strong gut feeling of him being interested in and maybe already involved with someone else...

 

I wrote him a mail 2 weeks ago and thought I´d eventually get an answer but I never did. A few days later I sent him another mail asking if he could help me out paying for our daughter´s daycare and he did help me out. He doesn´t pay child support and that was my decision at the time as he´s finishing his Masters (I am as well though and my daughter and I are living at my parents´ as I can´t afford renting... I did get a job for this Summer, he as well and he told me he was going to try to help like he could).

I asked in the mail that I wrote 2 weeks ago if he ever wanted to skype so he can see his little one and if he had thought about visiting at some point. He did answer abt the skype thing when he said he´d help me out with the daycare suggesting we´d try to talk last week. I answered him back asking him to just let me know when he could and wanted to chat but I still haven´t got any answer (it was a week ago that I sent that)... A-w. Not very interested huh?

 

I´m really considering now if I should tell him to just contact any of my family members like my older brother or something if he wants news from his child as I´m not sure if I can handle this situation. I want to cut all strings for at least 60 days to heal myself but can´t because we have a daughter together. But I could though if I just tell him... He´s not trying to contact us anyway... His mom is planning on coming on a visit for her grand-child´s 1 year birthday. We stay in touch on a very regular basis (much more than with the actual father...) so he could also just talk with her if he wants any news... What do you think? Should I maybe just tell him I can´t handle this?

[annie24]

you know, i think since he is the father of the child, you two should have some kind of legal setup regarding visitation and payments. i don't think you should play games where he has to call your family to get access to his daughter. i understand that you can't handle talking to him. that's fine. tell him from now on, you want your future interactions only to be about your child, that is it.

 

i think that he needs to be paying you regularly what he can. even if he is a student - so are you!!!

[Blossomed]

you know, i think since he is the father of the child, you two should have some kind of legal setup regarding visitation and payments. i don't think you should play games where he has to call your family to get access to his daughter. i understand that you can't handle talking to him. that's fine. tell him from now on, you want your future interactions only to be about your child, that is it.

 

i think that he needs to be paying you regularly what he can. even if he is a student - so are you!!!

 

It´s not about playing games at all... It´s about me moving forward quicker. His silence for such long periods of time just tell so much about his lack of interest and that really really HURTS! That´s why I´m assuming that his interest is set elsewhere. If I cut the strings for a certain period of time I would know why he doesn´t contact me as I would have asked for that and I wouldn´t be wondering why he never contacts us. Anyway I guess I just need to step back and be an adult without letting some of my feelings get in the way. Just the fact that he doesn´t make anymore contact than this is hard to accept for the moment. It just tells me that he doesn´t give a s"!$ and that´s why I can´t see that me asking him to contact someone else than me should be an actual problem... He´s in good contact with my brother and of course his mother.

[Pixiedoc]

I understand where you are coming from on this one. But you can draw up an agreement that on regular dates you could maybe let your daughter's grandmother collect her and go for a visit during which she could see her father as well. This would be good in several ways:

 

1. You don't get to have direct contact with him.

 

2. Your daughter still has contact and it would be regular, making sure THEY still have a relationship.

 

3. You can then have NC with him.

 

4. Legal contact agreements can be accompanied by/progressed with financial support now and the future.

 

I can't see any disadvantages to this. Good luck.

[savignon]

You need to consider your daughter aboveall else in this. What if you say, "Find about your daughter from your mother...I can't handle this"....and he says, "okay. Will do"....then what? Not very fair to your daughter or yourself. He should be paying you regularly for child support for HER...not b/c "you" are self-sufficient or don't need it. Save for her needs...toys, daycare, school, college, food. This isn't about looking strong or doing everything on your own. That's not fair to this little girl.

He's obviously willing to help but not interested in having a regular relationship with her or with you. If you're not comfortable with him getting in touch when he feels like it (which you give him permission for by saying, "let us know when you want to video conference"), then draw up some clearer guidelines and money arrangements.

Best wishes!

[Blossomed]

I understand where you are coming from on this one. But you can draw up an agreement that on regular dates you could maybe let your daughter's grandmother collect her and go for a visit during which she could see her father as well. This would be good in several ways:

 

1. You don't get to have direct contact with him.

 

2. Your daughter still has contact and it would be regular, making sure THEY still have a relationship.

 

3. You can then have NC with him.

 

4. Legal contact agreements can be accompanied by/progressed with financial support now and the future.

 

I can't see any disadvantages to this. Good luck.

 

I wish it could be that easy but we live on different Continents and there´s NO WAY I´m letting my baby go without me on the other side of the Earth. I´m sure everyone could understand why...

[Blossomed]

You need to consider your daughter aboveall else in this. What if you say, "Find about your daughter from your mother...I can't handle this"....and he says, "okay. Will do"....then what? Not very fair to your daughter or yourself. He should be paying you regularly for child support for HER...not b/c "you" are self-sufficient or don't need it. Save for her needs...toys, daycare, school, college, food. This isn't about looking strong or doing everything on your own. That's not fair to this little girl.

He's obviously willing to help but not interested in having a regular relationship with her or with you. If you're not comfortable with him getting in touch when he feels like it (which you give him permission for by saying, "let us know when you want to video conference"), then draw up some clearer guidelines and money arrangements.

Best wishes!

 

But that´s exactly the thing... Is this the best for her? Of course she has every right to know her father and she will but it has to come entirely from him right? Because I´m not sure I can handle the fact him not contacting her in the future and that she´d ask about it and not understand why he shows so little interest... Anyway. I´m sure he´s also just moving on and that it all be different in the future.

And you´re absolutely right about how I give him permission to just get in touch when he feels like. But I also don´t want that to be an obligation to him. Why bother then? I´m not doing this for me. Nor her. She´s not old enough to understand anything of this so it would only be for him to see her growing up. He has made it clear though that he´s not interested and it´s not the top priority on his agenda...

[Tanzi]

Hey,I remember your previous posts - still cares more about the computer eh? *sigh*

 

I wouldn't give him the pleasure of knowing you care. Even if you ask him the question it's likely he'll deny it, then you're eating away at yourself again. Just ASSUME he's with someone, and they're welcome to him as long as he meets his responsibilities with regard to your little one.

 

If you challenge him, he may well use this as an excuse to stay away so what little contact your child has with him may cease altogether. It may anyway but that text may hasten it.

 

If you act like you don't care, and try and get into that mind set, over time you will be able to feel it more and realise that he's just not worth any more of your time. Take care.

 

I agree with Pixiedoc.

 

I was in a LDR, we broke up (he "dumped" me) and we became FWBs. He always questionned me on whether or not I'd been on any dates, was involved with anyone, was sleeping with anyone ... which I was not. He would tell me that he was not, that he was not interested in anyone else. But we weren't together so it was only a matter of time before one of us would meet someone.

 

I don't know to this day if he is seeing someone else but he had become more distant so I sent two long texts asking if he was seeing someone else, would he be honest with me, its the closure I need, I can't do the "friends" thing anymore blah blah blah. Anyway I eventually got a text ... an explanation about being out late, hung over, he can understand that I can't do the "friends" thing but that it was a pity. NOTHING was mentioned as to whether or not he was seeing someone else. So I have assumed that he is and been in NC ever since.

 

Believe me the first few days were hell. I really wanted to know. I am now in day 20 and its better already. I am now glad I never found out for sure what he is up to.

 

Do as pixiedoc says, and as I did ... assume that he is seeing someone else and focus on moving on.

[catfeeder]

Do as pixiedoc says, and as I did ... assume that he is seeing someone else and focus on moving on.

 

Yep. There's no guarantee he'd be honest with you anyway, and why would you want to fork over power for your own healing to someone who isn't even interested?

 

Closure isn't something anyone else can give us. It's a private decision.

 

In your corner.