After reading Mayday's

[sadcomposer]

Well, I just sent her a friend request. We'll see how it goes. If she only accepts my invitation, but will not make other contacts, I will just let it go and finally move on. Thanks everyone. I will keep you up to date.

[createhappiness]

 

About 2 months ago, she opened a facebook account. No picture and no friends. I wonder to this day why someone would open an account and not even have a single friend. Unless she wanted to look at my profile?

 

Sad

 

she is probably has privacy settings on her picture and friends list from people not connected to her on facebook.

[sadcomposer]

I don't think so. The link to view friends is open and says she has no friends... so. Too late now, I sent the request, we'll see. She is not computer savy at all. I helped her buy her first and she is 45 yrs old.

[sadcomposer]

Well, she has not accepted or rejected my friend request. I wonder if she even got it. Like I said, she is not very computer savy. But I'm ok with it, I'm not obsessed and I don't feel like I have moved back or anything, so that's a good thing.

[OrangeMoon]

Why do it like that?...

 

I you want to contact her...than really contact her. Call her or send a text..anything by which you can tell she is open for communication or not.

 

Or send her an email to an address you know she actually uses..

 

To me the whole FB/MY space -request thing is so juvenile. You either go for what you want or you dont!

 

Sorry if i sound a bit harsh...but i am passionate about this topic as you might know..

[sadcomposer]

In my case, after 9 months of NC, not knowing wether she is still in a relationship or not, I thought that sending a friend request was good because it opens the door to see if she wants to communicate or not. I have changed all my email addresses in the las few months, so this is really the only way she can contact me. I don't know, it's still only a few days ago I sent the request, she could be out of town or whatever.

[Real]

Listen and listen carefully. If you really want to contact this individual, you must do it in a confident manner, not in a childish and cowardly way. Trust me, it will come off as a cop out with the facebook, myspace, email, text way. Listen to broken34, as she is right. But make sure and I mean make sure you are somewhat strong enough to handle whatever the outcome may be. But doing the facebook, myspace, thing is from my standpoint cowardly. Even texting and emailing has a form of cop out to me. If you really want to prove to yourself that you are strong enough, pick up the phone and dial... BUT, don't call until you are seriously ready. Don't do it based on emotions..... Take some time to yourself and analyze the situation and make a decision. This is a decision you will have to live with. So Take your time and make the choice.. Again remember that a phone call is a stronger choice. But you know the person better than we do and only you can decide which mode of contact is best.

[longdist]

So regardless, I would not call right away. If you instantly call after sending the request, if she received it, it may look like desperation. Wait. It sounds like you weren't really ready to go both feet in yet anyhow, so it shouldn't hurt you to wait to make a call, if that is what you decide to do.

[sadcomposer]

She still has not confirmed or ignored my request. It is still sitting there. I'm wondering if she has seen it at all. If she does not want to talk to me, I gave her an easy way out, just ignore my friend request. I will wait some more I guess. But I will eventually contact her. Right now (and this could change) I still think we need to talk, whatever the outcome.

[Growl1971]

Sorry to tell you guy, but it has been 8 months! Time to let it go and move on.

 

Life is too short to waste pining for someone that doesnt' want you, right?

 

If it's meant to be she'll come back...but if she hasn't shown any interest, and it's been going on a year now, let her go.

 

Stop idealising what once was, just be thankful that you met someone that meant so much to you at one point, and learn what you needed to from it...

 

Be prepared not to get much from your efforts, so you can safeguard your feelings.

 

In my opinion, it's best you look through the front windshield at what's coming, instead of looking back.

 

don't waste any more of your time....you live once.

[Sheba]

Your contact - via an impersonal Facebook request - reminds me of a feeble approach by an ex I had several years ago.

 

He forwarded me some letters, on the back of which he scrawled the words - 'Sheba, please come up'.

 

I thought if this is the best he can do to bring me round, then I'm insulted!

 

How about making a warmer approach?

[sadcomposer]

She still has not ignored or confirmed my friend request. But, she has added her brother as a friend. I don't know why, she comes from a family of 13 children, a lot of whom she is closer than her brother, and they are on facebook as well. I guess you guys were right, it was a feeble attempt on my part to make contact. Tomorrow is her birthday, I might just take the plunge and call her to wish her a happy birthday. Thoughts anyone?

[Amasa]

I am an undying optimist, and I say CALL HER!!!

 

I don't know if I would have replied to the facebook friend request. So many people that I haven't talk to since high school try to be friends with me on there. And if an ex did it, I would wonder why they were trying to check up on me. If they want to know what's going on they should call or at least text.

But what if she added you, you didn't get along, then she'd have to delete you. I'd have to do wayy too much rejection that way.

 

Just throwing it out there.

[sadcomposer]

Well, she never answered my friend request, so I gave up and removed it. So now, a few months later, I get a friend request from her 14 year old niece. What's up with that? So I searched for my ex again, and now she has put up a photo and has started adding friends. The thing is, the photo she added is one that I took of her and gave her as a present. Don't know what to think. If she wants nothing to do with me why would she put up that photo?

[floridafan]

If she wants nothing to do with me why would she put up that photo?

Only one way to know for sure - you gotta ask her. I'll admit, it seems pretty positive on the surface, at the very least it's not negative. Good things may come to those who wait, but only that which is left behind by those that hustle. Unless you have a more direct way to contact her, I might resend that friend request. At least now you know that she logs on to her account from time to time and can know that if she ignores it again it's intentional.

[sadcomposer]

thanks florida,

 

I'm am so used to NC now. Just seeing her picture has brought back a lot of sadness. I can't believe that it affects me that much. I did accept her niece's request, but nothing sine. Man I gotta let go, read some Eckart Toelle or something. lol

[doiiiieeezie]

Well, she never answered my friend request, so I gave up and removed it. So now, a few months later, I get a friend request from her 14 year old niece. What's up with that? So I searched for my ex again, and now she has put up a photo and has started adding friends. The thing is, the photo she added is one that I took of her and gave her as a present. Don't know what to think. If she wants nothing to do with me why would she put up that photo?

 

Facebook... Myspace... blah blah. Really, it's silly... don't worry about it. She is sadly gone, and I used to read into it a few months ago. I just read Maydays post, and it's true... the "NC" approach at first IS needed... both need to get their heads together and composed. The silly thing is that worrying about what she is up to will not help you move on. If you want to contact her, email her, call her... see what's up. Time has passed, you still have feelings for her.. what do you have to lose now?

[floridafan]

Sad, you do need to let go (if it's truly over) -- it's been quite a while and it seems as though you still think about this often. I'm sure you're intimidated by how she may respond (or not respond) if you reach out, but look at this way: if you reach out and are rejected, worst-case scenario, it will provide the closure you most likely need to begin putting this fully behind you. Best-case scenario, she responds positively. Like doiiiieeezie said, whatcha got to lose?

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Doi and Flor, I just have to gather up my courage and do it. I need a change anyhow.

[rapunzel]

sadcomposer: my feeling is you should go with what you KNOW, not with any assumptions. The facts are: your ex ignored your friend request from a few months ago. Recently she posted a photo of herself on FB that you gave her as a gift. Her niece has sent you a friend request. You felt very sad when you saw her photo. She has not contacted you. You have been in No Contact (as you should be).

 

I don't mean to be harsh and hate to be the purveyor of doom but her posting a photo you took does not necessarily mean anything. Maybe she thinks it is a flattering photo. Don't assume anything by it. My ex posted a great photo of himself on his online dating profile that I took on a beach, during a romantic weekend away. When I saw it my heart sunk as I quickly realized he was using this sexy photo of himself to yup, meet other women. Not me, the woman who took the photo.

 

FB is not online dating, of course. Ask yourself this: Do you really need to be rejected again? After all this time? Because it is very possible this will happen if you reach out. You sent her a friend request and she ignored it. If you are truly willing to take the risk and put yourself out there, then do it but truly ask yourself if you need to hear it again. If you don't really care, then by all means, contact her. But my sense is you are still hopeful for reconciliation.

 

I had to hear it AGAIN this past summer. I work part time with my ex and HE felt the need to initiate a walk/conversation with ME to AGAIN tell me TO MY FACE that he just wanted to be friends and did not want a relationship. I felt like I had been sucker punched and all the progress I had made was for naught. I have since recovered some but will NEVER forget this incident. And I didn't even ask for it as I have not pursued him AT ALL since the break up....not one phone call, email or even conversation has been initiated by me. My error was accepting the walk and the conversation, and thinking that it might mean "something".

 

So if you want to risk the potential emotional fall out of again hearing "I just want to be friends" or "I'm sorry, I'm not interested" then by all means do it but then you throw all that great No Contact and healing time out the window.

 

I'm sorry but I'm feeling rather "tough love" this morning. Good luck to you, look to the future and try to have compassion and gratitude for the past. I am trying again to do this myself.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Rapunzel,

 

You make very good points. I'm sticking to NC for now. But I have a feeling we will talk in the future and I will be ready for whatever outcome. Thanks

[sadcomposer]

Well. what do you guys think. A couple of days ago, I changed my profile picture. I used a picture that she took of me on her couch at her place. Yesterday, she removed her picture, and removed all of her friends. I was sort of relieved, closure of some kind. BUT, just now I went and checked her profile. Now, she put up a picture of the 2 of us, but cropped so only her is showing. This was a picture taken by my mother the first time my ex met my family. We had it framed and she always kept it on her piano. I really don't know what to do. Thanks for any advice.

[rapunzel]

Me responding again...hmmm....

 

What you should do is: NOTHING. What would you possibly do? People changing photos on a social networking site is irrelevant and doesn't mean anything. Change your photo as much as you like but just know that your doing this, and her doing this really doesn't mean anything...until she comes out and contacts you and assigns some meaning to it.

 

If you do NOTHING, you can't screw up.

 

I'm sorry, I know how hard it is. I am a musician, will see my ex tonight at rehearsal, he is a musician. All I can think today is that how he's probably wishing I wasn't in the band as he thinks of me/our relationship as "the elephant in the room." So here I am dwelling on that, worrying about what he thinks. You know, f*ck him. I can't do anything about what HE thinks, or what HE wants, or what makes HIM happy. I can only take care of myself. The same goes for you.

 

There is nothing you can do, so you should do NOTHING and expect NOTHING. Hang in there!

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Rapunzel,

 

I am not going to do anything... yet. When she took her profile down, I figured that she did not want any contact and that she had put that picture just because it was flattering. I was still wondering why I got a friend request from her niece, but figured it was maybe a coincidence since her niece was not in her friends list. I really closed the door for a day, feeling sad and relieved at the same time, thinking I could finally move on. But now, she is in my arms in this picture, you just can't see my face. And her ONLY friend is her niece so.... she is trying to tell me something I am sure.

 

When I last spoke to her over a year ago. I told her that if she wanted to come back to me, it would be up to HER to convince me, I had done my part. This still stands today. I'm open but VERY careful. So, I'm going to wait some more. Thanks again

[sadcomposer]

Ok, call me childish. I put up the same picture but with her cropped out. I also removed her niece as my friend and wrote in my status that I was open to comments. Now she changed her picture to another I took of her. I don't know what to think, but she is obviously playing with me. Any advice would be appreciated.