After reading Mayday's

[sadcomposer]

After reading Mayday's thread about the dark side of NC, I'm starting to wonder if I should not contact my ex. It's been 9 months since the breakup and 8 months of strict NC. I heard in january that she had started going out with a guy really soon after our breakup. I don't know where she is at now. I still love her and would love to get back with her.

 

About 2 months ago, she opened a facebook account. No picture and no friends. I wonder to this day why someone would open an account and not even have a single friend. Unless she wanted to look at my profile?

 

I am seriously thinking of opening the lines of communication just by adding her as a friend ans see what will happen. I admit I am still fragile and would not like to hear that she is happy in her new relationship, but then maybe I could finally move on. Thanks for any advice you might have.

 

Sad

[Timebandit]

Havent read Mayday's post. You got a link?

 

Besides that, I will ask you: what do you hope to acheve by reopening communications with your ex?

[sadcomposer]

 

 

I hope to reconcile obviously, and IM worried that with extended NC, she might be afraid to contact me for whatever reason. I just need to know where she is at so we can either retry or I move on once and for all.

[longdist]

Do it. It seems harmless enough. Just be prepared for rejection. You only live once and you have to live for the moment.

 

Just remember other's advice if she returns contact. Keep everything light, fun, and brief. Realize that reconciliation should take months, not days. So stay patient and don't push it.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks longdist. I'm just not sure what my reaction will be, so I keep putting it off, but I'm tired of being in this state of "the unknown" and a very big part of me tells me that you are right, it is harmless enough. I also asked for NC, and she respected that, maybe she is waiting for me to make a move.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks HNR,

 

I have read all of mayday's posts and many others. I am at a point where I THINK I could live with whatever outcome, but I'm not 100% sure.

[longdist]

Sad,

 

Also listen to HNR because if you do get in contact, you have to be fun and you won't be if you still feel a desperate need to get back together. You also will have had to have worked on yourself since the break and the only reason I advocate making contact is because it has been 8 months.

[OrangeMoon]

Oh Lord...i definitely know where you are.

 

I am sorry i am not able to advice on this one..because its my own blindspot..

 

Fear is not the best advice giver so to speak. I honestly believe that we need to move away from actions out of fear..and move to actions out of love..

 

But timing is everything.. Will you 'miss out" when you wait too long, will you get rejected, is she as much of a coward as you are? They weren't when they ended it..

 

so that is the tough one..

But i can imagine that a step towards reconciling is as much a risk for the dumper as the dumpee. If they have witnessed the hurt they have caused..how can they take a step..when they still might not be sure if reconciling is what they want. All these questions..

 

 

I think that ultimately it comes down to who is in control of your happiness..is that you or are they in control?

 

Dealing with rejection should not be such a fearful process. Because if you think about it..that is whats holding you back.

 

I can only say this..if in a few months...i cant shake this constant feeling of wanting to reach out..i am going to take a chance. If after all of this time they still have not softened up..than i guess its best to know this sooner than later. I am a year broken up in a few days..have not seen him since August last year, but our last contact was in january..i want at least 10 months of total NC behind my belt before i make a move.

 

But its not going to be just a text or phonecall..i want to see him one last time. 1 last move..and if that doesnt do anything in his heart..i am gone forever.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks longdist. I know that I will eventually make contact if she does'nt, and 8 months does seem like an appropriate amount of time. If the contact is by email, I know I can keep it light and fun, a face to face encounter would be an entirely different thing. But it has to start somewhere.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Broken34. It will be ten months for me on the 21rst of may. You're right, I should not fear the rejection, but it is easier said than done.

[sadcomposer]

It's almost as if she opened the account to invite me to make contact, she just does not have the courage to do it herself. I know it's just speculation, and that is what I want to stop doing. I either get rejected or friendzoned, then move on or we actually end up trying again. Confusing

[sadcomposer]

I'm a bit concerned that you've confessed to feeling "fragile". Are you sure that you are not being prompted to get in contact because you are feeling generally down. This could show in your contact.

 

I think it's important that you at least feel like you are in a better place. It's a sad fact, but people are more attracted to upbeat people - at least initially. Could you perhaps leave it a little while longer - perhaps another month?

 

Take the time to remind yourself of why the relationship ended and produce a checklist of those reasons and tick them off if you feel they've been dealt with Then get yourself in a more enthusiastic mood!

 

I've done all the checklist thing, and I am in a better place. I gave my 100% DURING the relationship, but it was never good enough for her. She is the one that needs to work on her insecurity if ever it was to work. Without that, I would not take her back as sad as that would make me.

[OrangeMoon]

Well..you need to be able to deal with the rejection..otherwise it will set you back big time.

 

Right now i feel too vulnerable also and that's why i am not doing a thing. I need to do some stuff for myself first. It might even lead to me not wanting to contact at all...

I am not going to act on a feeling i have right now. It has to be a deep and consistent feeling. Not an impulse..not an emotion..but a clear decision.

 

Dont get get caught up in dates (as in 21 May)..Go out there and open yourself up to "rejection"from other girls..and see how you feel. Yes the one that mattered will always feel somewhat different then new prospects. But still..time should have done some work on you too. If it hasnt ..it has just been time passing by..and then you are just not ready yet.

[longdist]

It's almost as if she opened the account to invite me to make contact, she just does not have the courage to do it herself. I know it's just speculation, and that is what I want to stop doing. I either get rejected or friendzoned, then move on or we actually end up trying again. Confusing

 

There could be a number of reasons for these sorts of things. I know everything seems like a sign to a dumpee. I feel like the lack of contact from my ex is a sign that she is trying to get over me. I feel like contact from my ex is a sign that she wants to get back together. These assumptiosn are not likely to be true. So just bear that in mind.

 

Question: What makes you think that your ex wouldn't just break things off again?

 

As I said before, you only live once, so you must figure out what is best for you and if you are ready. Just don't hold back because of fear. Throw your fear out the door and know that it isn't the end of the world if she isn't interested. Think of her as someone you don't know because chances are you are both completely different people at this point. Just treat as someone you just met and are trying to impress by being witty.

[OrangeMoon]

Sad..i have just read your break up-post.

 

No matter how you feel about using pot..a drug is a drug. In my country girls might not make a big deal out of it..but in yours people in general do.

 

So if you are serious about getting back..have you addressed this issue seriously..or do you (still) see this as a way to control you?

[sadcomposer]

Thanks very much. All things to consider. Bring it on.

[sadcomposer]

Sad..i have just read your break up-post.

 

No matter how you feel about using pot..a drug is a drug. In my country girls might not make a big deal out of it..but in yours people in general do.

 

So if you are serious in getting back..have you addressed this issue seriously..or do you (still) see this as a way to control you?

 

I'm in Canada by the way, pot here is not as big a deal as it is in the states. But anyway, I was never a big user, and I quit months ago because I went to play music on a cruise ship and it was forbidden. Pot was never the problem, it was her insecurity that made her want to control everything.

[sadcomposer]

She made me feel like a drug addict and an alcoholic when I proved to her many times over that I had control over it. But really, all that had nothing to do with our problems, she just would use that as an excuse for me not to start questioning her own addictive and compulsive behaviors. Please let's not make this thread about dependencies, it really is not a problem for me.

[OrangeMoon]

Its not a post about dependencies or perceived ones..i dont perceive you as an adict at all. But we were talking about when to decide to make the move to contact our exes..and whether they would be open to reconciliation.

 

but you are right..if she had deep issues herself and used your break up to avoid having to deal with them..the only way a reconciliation is going to work is if she has addressed her own demons.

 

You will not find out how she has gotten a long if you don't contact her. It just seemed like that if she would still "reject" you..you would be devastated again.. And i am saying this, because i "read" somekind of sadness as you are writing.

[sadcomposer]

Yes there is sadness. She has been seeing a psychiatrist for over 15 years. She herself works in psychiatry. She has been on anti-depressants for years. She has the ability to avoid any kind of situation where she will be the one being discussed. I could go on....She has had many failed relationships, but has never admitted her part in the failures. I am hoping that after all this time, she has had time to think about all this. But my friends all tell me it's a hopeless case. Thanks everyone, I guess I'll wait more and be happy in the meantime.

[OrangeMoon]

HNR is right...there is somekind of impasse in your situation it seems..

 

 

Very difficult. I think your part is easy..but hers might be more troublesome. Is she ready? She must know all to well that getting back with you equals facing her own demons.

 

Thats always a tough one..

 

In a different way i have the same thing. My ex is emotionally starved..and as such could not deal with my emotions. Dealing with me would make him deal with his own emotions. That scares the hell out of him. As long as he is not ready to do that..we dont stand a chance. Because the woman i am wants a guy who is in touch with his feelings. I cant deal with cold, distant ..emotionally out of touch men again. Even if there has been a time that i actually picked those types unconsciously. That is done for me now..and it took some real soul searching to figure it out.

 

So the balance i have received is dealing with my own neediness, insecurity and emotions..but some of it will always still be there..and that part of me will always need someone willing to deal with that.. to a healthy level ofcourse..but still there..

If he can't cope, or is not willing to face his own..we dont stand a chance.

But i have learned to deal with making myself the center of my happiness..and before i did not know that i was putting it all on his back.

[BeOptimistic]

Yeah you should definitely wait until you sound happier. You sound too depressed to be contacting her. Imagine if she was some girl you liked and was asking her out for the first time. What do you think she'd think? You don't sound like you could pull if off at the moment.

[Muisje08]

I can only say this..if in a few months...i cant shake this constant feeling of wanting to reach out..i am going to take a chance. If after all of this time they still have not softened up..than i guess its best to know this sooner than later. I am a year broken up in a few days..have not seen him since August last year, but our last contact was in january..i want at least 10 months of total NC behind my belt before i make a move.

 

But its not going to be just a text or phonecall..i want to see him one last time. 1 last move..and if that doesnt do anything in his heart..i am gone forever.

 

 

Hi BrokenHeart,

 

Can you tell a bit about your story again please? I thought you were also left for someone else, is this right? And if so, would you contact him in case he would be still together with that new girl?

[Brownstone322]

This comes down to the nature of your particular relationship: What are your respective ages, how long were you together, why'd you break up, what are your respective personality traits, and what were the exchanges and understandings between the two of you in the final days?

 

This part troubles me a little: "I heard in January that she had started going out with a guy really soon after our breakup." That makes me wonder if that's why she left to begin with. For lots of people (young people especially), that's all a "breakup" is -- somebody leaving for a new partner, and that's hard to overcome.

 

That said, I've never been in alignment with the "NC as brinkmanship" crowd. It's not about stubbornness and breaking the other person's will. If I had lived my life that way, my current separation would be meaningless, because we would have broken up a long time ago. In our particular relationship, the onus has always been on me to resolve disagreements, not on her. It's just the roles we have always played in the relationship, and it's consistent with her shy and insecure personality.

 

Anyway, I can understand you're needing to know, and I don't see a problem with making contact. C'mon, after eight months of silence? That can hardly be construed as pressure. I don't know if your breakup was bitter, but not many people are angry after that much time.

 

I just contacted my girlfriend after 2 1/2 months of separation, and I didn't get blown off; she just said she needed more time, time that I'll gladly give her. But the point is that I didn't feel "fragile" when I made the call -- I felt pretty good, pretty confident, and I was prepared for the worst. Make sure you are prepared too.

 

By the way, some people open MySpace and Facebook accounts for practical purposes. My girlfriend has both so she can access the sites of her favorite bands. But she has no pics, no friends, no nothing, because she doesn't use the accounts for social purposes.

[OrangeMoon]

Hi BrokenHeart,

 

Can you tell a bit about your story again please? I thought you were also left for someone else, is this right? And if so, would you contact him in case he would be still together with that new girl?

 

In short he said that he couldnt deal with my emotions and that he thought we were not a match (based on the fact that i came accross insecure/needy, he was calmer and i more emotional). He didnt leave me for someone specifically, but the fact that we were coming closer to some major decisions (me moving to his country, us living together) and his inability to deal with what i needed from him, caused him to slowly get attracted to other options outside. In his eyes the grass looked greener. And up to this day i dont know if it actually is.

 

All i know is that he has never once iniated contact with me, so chances are major that it simply is.

 

When i make contact..it is something i am going to do for me..my final closure once i am back to the one i want to be. If he agrees to meet me for a cup of coffee one day..that is all that matters. Whether he is in a relationship or not and what that means to him is his business.

 

Only in that meeting will i know how he will feel in my heart..but before i meet him ( if that happens ofcourse) i want to be able to be strong enough to look at it as our last goodbye. If after all of the time apart, he would still be opposed to having me in his life..i honestly think i will not want to be in it anyway. Its good..

 

But if i hide at home, hide in my work, keep licking my wounds until that time comes..i will either get my hopes up too much or suffer the devastating consequence of that final rejection. Cant take that risk..so i know i still have some stuff to do before i engage in that situation.

 

So the meeting is something between him and I..whether he has just started something new, in the middle of it or at it ends.. It all does not really matter. A cup of coffee, is just that. I only have the obligation to protect my heart and if he is involved i know he will respect that union and so will I.

 

If he comes back into my life it will be because he clearly wants to..and not because i have pushed in anyway. If he does not want to meet..i will respect that and never contact him again. I am still in doubt of course..but the feling keeps growing inside of me..that i dont want to let fear of rejection get the best of me..

 

When is the best time? Is it ever the best time? I dont know what goes on in his head..but with some reasonable time behind us and some major improvements on my side..i can only come out of it a winner. For me ..thats not winning the relationship with him, but that i have shown to build myself up again, faced my own fears and went there for me..and me alone. And if he doesnt even respond or wants to meet..i want to be at a place where i can honestly and from the ground of my heart say that..he was right..we were never meant to be..and its OK. But i will never have to doubt, worry, contemplate, think, wait or whatever in agony again.

 

I can actually say that the more i think about it..the more liberated it feels.

BUT..i can only act when i am really ready. And i know what i have to do for myself to get there. If i am not there yet..i just cant do it..because it would set me back big time and i dont want to go back there again. I am having a bad week now due to my 1 year break up anniversary..but i am progressively getting to be more done with that.